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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Donor Daddy Moderators: bert
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Andrew
Posted: August 19th, 2009, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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Kim,

I most definitely would like to read the new draft. My email is: andrewallen1981@googlemail.com.

Your call with the 'Jamie Maguire' scene, but I personally loved the nod towards the film. That said, I most certainly trust in your abilities.

'Donor Daddy' - I did ponder whether or not I liked this name last night, and couldn't quite make my mind up. On the one hand, it's catchy and memorable, but on the other hand, it doesn't quite fit. What were your reasons for naming it that?

Oh, and with regards to more reads - I assume you meant on SS? - I would just advise to read as much here as you can, and to garner interest that way, 'cos most will reciprocate. There are others who will take a read if you drop them an ask - people like JonnyBoy are up for that, and he gives a lot of thought to his replies. Baltis will always give honest reads.

I have had an idea where a 'Recommendation' thread could be started up, and within that thread writers here can recommend others' scripts from the site - which would help generate reads, I think. I've been pondering whether or not that will be suitable. I think I'll run that idea past Bert.

Andrew


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screen_dreamer
Posted: August 19th, 2009, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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Very kind of you.  Thanks so much!
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screen_dreamer
Posted: August 19th, 2009, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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Andrew,

Thanks for the offer.  I'll send the script right over.  When I said reads, I didn't mean here.  I've been very fortunate with peer reviews on this script, both here and at Zoetrope.  I meant like agents/managers/prodcos.  I've sent out tons of query letters and maybe a handful of requests.
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Andrew
Posted: August 19th, 2009, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from screen_dreamer
I meant like agents/managers/prodcos.  I've sent out tons of query letters and maybe a handful of requests.


Oh, I see! Umm, I will get to thinking on that one for you. Maybe drop you an email to avoid clogging up this thread. To be fair, I think it's mostly about deciphering the key strengths of the script and highlighting why people would want to go see this film. That's the business end of it, I guess.

Andrew


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screen_dreamer
Posted: August 19th, 2009, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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Andrew, I appreciate all the effort you're putting into this for me.  Above and beyond.  Thanks so much!
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dresseme
Posted: August 20th, 2009, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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I decided to start reading your script, as it came so highly requested by one Mr. Andrew Allen.  I'm only going to post my initial thoughts so far, as I'm up to page 20, and going to be reading this in spurts throughout the day (during lulls at work).

First off, I'd like to say that your writing style is excellent.  You've got your formatting down solid, your actual writing is very crisp/concise, and it's a breeze to read.  It's upon reading something like this that I find myself saying "Man, I wish I could write like this."

I think you've developed your characters well, however I don't know how I feel about the story so far.  It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me that Jamie would be so against using a sperm bank and want to go through all the trouble of screening people herself.  It seems like you're missing a scene where Jamie goes to the sperm bank, sees it's filled with low-lifes, or something like that...I don't know, I think it just gets written off too quickly.

I'm having trouble not picturing Tina Fey in the role of Jamie, mainly because I'm currently watching Season 3 of "30 Rock", where she's desperately trying to get a baby, and kind of doing a lot of the same stuff.    I'm really hoping, seeing as I feel like this plot has been done quite a bit, you turn it on its head in the coming pages.

But yeah, aside from that, I'm sure once I get down to it, the rest should be a breeze due to your writing style.
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screen_dreamer
Posted: August 20th, 2009, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Dressel, thanks for giving it a shot.  I appreciate your feedback so far.  I've been told before that my main character reminded someone of Tina Fey, but it was because of Baby Mama.  I don't really get why this script is constantly compared to Baby Mama and Knocked up.  Besides the baby, the rest is totally different.  But that's a different issue and I digress.  

I have a much more current version of the script where I address the whole sperm bank issue.  If you're not too far into this one, maybe you'd like the read the newer one.  Just let me know.

Andrew, thanks so much for the referral.  I feel like I should put you on my payroll as my Publicist lol
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Andrew
Posted: August 20th, 2009, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from screen_dreamer
Andrew, thanks so much for the referral.  I feel like I should put you on my payroll as my Publicist lol


Just mention me in the Oscar speech!

Andrew


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dresseme
Posted: August 20th, 2009, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from screen_dreamer

I have a much more current version of the script where I address the whole sperm bank issue.  If you're not too far into this one, maybe you'd like the read the newer one.  Just let me know.


I'm up to page 32 now, so I wouldn't mind reading the new version if you want to send it my way.

I think the other thing I'm having a hard time grasping is that, to my understanding, she wants to find a guy, have sex with him, and then have him leave, no strings attached?   What I don't get is that she doesn't have to have sex with him.  That part strikes me as odd.  I mean, I know you've established that she hasn't had sex in a year, but having random, meaningless sex doesn't seem to fit with the character you've created.

But yeah, send the new draft to matthew.dressel@gmail.com.
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screen_dreamer
Posted: August 20th, 2009, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Dressel,

If you make it to the end, you'll realize that she's not as anti-love as she wants everyone to believe.  Somewhere deep inside, she really does want to find a guy and be happy.  But besides that, she doesn't want the creation of her child to be so technical and medical, if that makes sense.  Anyway, I can clarrify if it's not apparent enough when you get to the end.  Emailing the script now.

Andrew,

I'll thank you second, right after God
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dresseme
Posted: August 20th, 2009, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, done.

First off, let me re-iterate that I think you're a fantastic writer.  It's always nice to read a script and not have to weed through a bunch of grammatical and formatting errors.  I'm pretty sure I couldn't find mistakes even if I wanted to, and if I did, they'd probably be nit-picks.

That being said, upon giving this the full read, I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not the target audience for this film.  The humor didn't really do it for me, and I didn't really found the story all that entertaining either.  Like I said, it seemed like all pretty familiar territory to me.

A couple things that stick out are the male characters, Fletcher and Shawn.  Shawn seems like a Matthew McConaughey type character in that he's completely over-confident and doesn't really act like anyone real.  His entire attitude towards Jamie upon first meeting, right up to him walking around confidently naked and saying "Jamie is in bed with her hips in the air.  We just had hot baby sex.  You can go up if you want." exemplifies this pretty solidly.  I just never feel like he's a real person.  Same thing with Fletcher; someone who always knows exactly what to say.  In fact, I know Fletcher adds a lot of conflict to the story, but I would drastically bring down his role in the script (to help with your page count - addressed later).  But then again, I had a hard time getting past the fact that he ends up being her doctor.  A little too coincidental for my tastes.

The closest thing you have to someone who feels real is Jamie, but I can't really connect with her because I don't really identify with anything she's feeling (not your fault as the writer, my fault for having a penis   ).

And as I said before, I think the length is an issue here.  It felt like the script was gearing up to end several times, but then it kept going.  You have a lot of conflicts presented here, a lot of things that need trying up, and it might not hurt to sacrifice a couple for the sake of others.  Or just cut back some of the more dialogue intensive scenes.

I'm sorry for sounding so negative about the script.  I'm able to acknowledge that it is a good script, but it's just not made for me.  If you need me to clear anything up, I can always go back and give it another look for clarification's sake.
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screen_dreamer
Posted: August 20th, 2009, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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Dressel,

Once again, thanks for giving it a shot.  I fully acknowledge that this is definitely a rom/com geared more toward the female audience.  And I certainly can't hold it against you for having a penis

I appreciate your honesty.

Kim
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Adekfire
Posted: September 13th, 2009, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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I loved it. Wonderful narrative and dialogue. Not too much or little. Just perfect, easy to read, and flows beautifully. Most importantly, I loved the story. Great read!!!
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screen_dreamer
Posted: September 18th, 2009, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you!
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MS1
Posted: October 20th, 2009, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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"I haven't been able to generate any reads from this thing."

Are you referring to professional reads from industry people or reads here in SimplyScripts?

I haven't read your script yet, but if you're referring to professional reads I'm guessing the reason might be that it's too close to Knocked Up. That was actually the first thought that came into my head when I read the logline. Tonally or character wise the script might be totally different -- and from the intial reviews posted here it sounds like it is -- but the logline describes almost the exact same scenario as Knocked Up. Maybe change up the logline to reflect what makes the script's concept different from Knocked Up??? It seems like you've put a lot of work into this one, so I'd hate to see it go to waste...

Mark


Quoted from screen_dreamer
Andrew,

Thanks again for all your kind words.  I went though the script again last night with a fine tooth comb.  I'm getting it ready to go back to the coverage place.  I'm desperately trying to get a consider so I can use it as a marketing tool.  I haven't been able to generate any reads from this thing.  Perhaps my logline needs some sprucing up or maybe even a new title.  Any suggestions?

Btw, if you wanted to read the new draft I could email it to you.  Unless you were just trying to be polite.  Don't feel obligated to, though.  You've done more than enough already.

Oh and I unfortunately took out the "Jamie McGuire" scene.  I think you were right about it being too similar.  Instead I have Jamie write up a letter of resignation where she says all those nasty things about Brentwood and then she makes a bunch of copies and hands it around the office lol  Same effect but without ripping off a great movie!

Kim


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