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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Donor Daddy Moderators: bert
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  Author    Donor Daddy  (currently 4663 views)
Don
Posted: August 16th, 2009, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Donor Daddy by Kim Britt (screen dreamer( - Comedy, Romance - The relentless ticking of her biological clock sends a jaded 35-year-old divorce lawyer on a hunt for the perfect father for her baby. When her first choice falls through, she accidentally conceives during a drunken one night stand with a stranger who turns out to be her new O.B. 117 pages - pdf, format


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lalaindahouse
Posted: August 16th, 2009, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Kim,

you're a very prolific writer!  

i haven't read through your entire script, but i hafta say that you're off to a good start!  it's a very entertaining read, thus far.  

i'll try to finish reading it soon!  good job!
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screen_dreamer
Posted: August 16th, 2009, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you.  Can't wait to hear what you think of it.

Kim
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lalaindahouse
Posted: August 17th, 2009, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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Kim,

i finished your story last night!  your writing style is very professional and it was very easy to read.  i love the dialogue and the smart witty retorts by jamie.  i think in some cases, some of jamie's dialogue are really long and should be cut up by adding some action, gestures or whatever.

one thing that really didn't work for me --

the fletcher character.  it didn't seem natural that he would fall in love with her.  he meets her at a bar, they're drunk, they do it....and later she gets pregnant and he's forcing her to have a prenatal exam (or whatever it was).  i get his position of being the OBGYN to ensure that the baby and mother's safe, but i just didn't understand why he would kind force himself on her.

i find it incredulous that a guy would fall in love with someone who's so nasty towards him.  is it that he wants to fall in love and the fact that she's carrying his kid, makes her more appealing to him?

also...the wedding scene.

i understand that you're trying to paint the wedding scene as if jamie's the one getting married.  right when the camera stops on jamie, we know that it isn't her wedding day (because she's in her bridesmaid's dress), so there's no surprise element there like in the script.  i don't know if that makes sense.  

in other words, i don't know if i'd build up the whole part of jamie walking down the aisle.   if this were filmed--she'd be in a different colored dress.  MAYBE--if the CLOSE UP was only on jamie's face as she walked down (but she wouldn't be wearing a veil...)

plus, it doesn't really make sense to have shawn as the best man (or one of the groomsmen).  they didn't have an established relationship in the film.  it would have made more sense to have fletcher standing by him.  

all in all, you possess some strong writing capabilities.  you paint a vivid picture of how these characters are and they're all different, which makes the story very interesting.  

you know how to tell a good story!
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screen_dreamer
Posted: August 17th, 2009, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you!

I wish I was able to update the script on this site.  I sent this script off to a professional reader for coverage and he gave me a ton of excellent suggestions.  I've since rewritten it and most of what you covered above has since been removed.  The dynamic between Fletcher and Jamie is handled much better in the new draft.  Spencer's character has been removed completely.  Plus there's a lot more scenes with Jamie and Shawn.  The birth of the baby is totally different as well.  She ends up giving birth in her car stuck in traffic on the freeway on the way to the hospital.  Fletcher ends up arriving just in the nick of time and delivers the baby, much to Shawn's relief.  Then Shawn and Fletcher have a little moment where they kind of realize that Jamie is in love with Shawn and that Fletcher will never be more than the baby's father and a good friend.

Anway, thanks for giving it a read and for the compliments.  I really appreciate it!

Kim
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lalaindahouse
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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Sure!  i find your stories very enjoyable!  i know you uploaded another story in the last week, but i haven't had a chance to read it.  
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screen_dreamer
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That's so nice of you to say.  Thanks so much.  I sent in a supernatural thriller/horror called Guilt but I don't think it has popped up  yet.  
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screen_dreamer
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I take that back.  It is up in the horror section.  It's not really heavy in the horror department, but I figured that was the best place for it since the subject material is pretty dark.
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lalaindahouse
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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i hafta ask:  are you a full-time writer?  

i write whenever i get a chance, but time has been so slim recently.  i have a short called, "office romance" (if you feel so inclined ) and i'm in the middle of a feature-length comedy.  now, i want to start on another feature, but time eludes me, unfortunately .

i just ask, because you seem to turn out scripts left and right, which is great!  
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screen_dreamer
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I guess you could say that.  My full time job is actually Mommy which allows me to spend a great portion of my day writing.  Where can I find your short script?
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Andrew
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Kim,

It's on the off chance that I got reading here, but this is a real 'grabber' from the start. My initial reservation - from the logline - was it resembled 'Knocked Up' but your writing is excellent and this drew me in to investigate if my scepticism was justified.

Really liked the way you drew the characters in the dreams from Jamie's real-life. The purpose they served in the dream was pretty much - give or take - what they did in the dream. That was a very nice touch.

Btw, I loved how you introduced so much of the relationship between Tiffany and Jamie with this:


Quoted Text

One of Jamieís rehearsed expressions lights up her face.
Only a trained eye could differentiate it from genuine
surprise.



Quoted Text

TIFFANY
Happy Birthday!
(whispers in her ear)
Who told you?


Lovely little tactic.

Commenting-as-I-go here. Jamie reminds me of Ginnifer Goodwin's character in 'He's Just Not That Into You' - is that intentional? At this stage, I am not sure if that's positive or not, 'cos we don't want her to be too similar, y'know. Having said that, it's kind of a stereotypical character, I guess. The key is to how you differentiate from that. Onwards with my reading for discovery.

Early on, it's so clear that you have invested a lot of thought and time into this script - and that shows. Now, this type of script/film isn't my number 1 genre per se, but I am being drawn in. That's down to your writing and clear consideration. I don't this is intended as groundbreaking script, but rather an entertaining feel-good that will slot right into a fall (always amuses me when Americans say that) release slate. I can literally see this script as a film in front of me - well, not literally, but you know what I mean. Anyway, enough talk - I'm just going to read right through now. My only caveat being to drop in notes that I must unload for fear of forgetting them!

Page 36: and this is an exceptional script. My one gripe is why are they going to get down and dirty? Wouldn't a more clinical means be employed - a bit of the ol' artificial insemination? Now, you will probably have addressed this at some point to come, but it seems a glaring one to have not touched on right now. It is 02.33 here in ol' Blighty, so I may have just missed something earlier. Having said that, I believe it to be the correct decision for your script, but a subtle reference to it would just tighten up the only issue I have thus far.


Quoted Text

WE PAN to the alarm clock beside the bed --
8:35 - MOANING is heard in the background.
9:07 - MOANING continues.
9:25 - More MOANING.
9:58 - MOANING reaches a crescendo, then silence.


Again, nice visual and tactic to progress the story.

No idea why, but all I can see is Gerard Butler as Shawn - who do you have in mind?

Chucking in Fletcher - such a smart move.

Kim, so convinced of your abilities at page 55, I took your name to IMDb and found a 'Kim Britt' there with 'Thanks'. It must be you...? Clearly you are a very, very talented writer.

Page 64: Lovely little sleight of hand - I was actually very suspenseful as to which of them would be the doc. Shawn is a joker and could have easily distorted his name - good work. Considering your setup to keeping it a secret from Fletch, it makes sense to be him, but - intentional or not? - you pulled the wool over my eyes.

Page 70: Ahhh, lovely payoff with Spencer - he seemed a bit rogue to this point.

Gripe no. 2, Shawn has been missing for a long time, and with my hunch he's pivotal to the ending, it just feels too long.

Page 87: There's definitely some confusion now as to who Jamie is supposed to be drawn to. Shawn or Fletcher? That's a bit of a problem - I mean, it's good to keep the reader/audience guessing, but this is maybe a step too far.

Haha, I was halfway down the page, and who appears as I resume - freaky!

Page 90: I definitely feel like you are creating the which-one-will-she-go-for vibe, (?) but Shawn needs an entrance before page 87 to justify that teasing of the audience, I think.


Quoted Text

SHAWN
Hi, Iím Shawn. The father.
Fletcher doesnít accept the hand shake. Turns to Jamie.
FLETCHER
You wanna tell him, or should I?
SHAWN
Tell me what?
FLETCHER
Iím Fletcher. The father.


The icing on the proverbial. Great scene.


Quoted Text

FLETCHER
Bye, Shawn. Better luck next time.


Fletcher seems a little inconsistent with his actions as above quote - I think - shows. Now, I can see why 'cos it helps facilitate the tension to eventually bring Shawn and Jamie together, but I think it's a struggle to mitigate the two factors: 1) He's a viable alternative to Shawn, and 2) He's horrible enough to justify her choosing of Shawn. Personally, I think there needs to be some work on Fletcher to make that transition a bit smoother. Maybe he has some split personality thing going on? Like he is actually diagnosed as such.

Re: Jamie's office departure - Jeraldine Maguire? Sorry, bad joke, but it just reminded me of that scene in 'Jerry Maguire', which happens to be one of my faves.

Finished!

I really, really like how you've finished the script. The revelation with Fletcher, gave his character more depth, but I just feel like the road to get there - as I stated above - is a bit murky as it stands.

Also, 118-pages feels quite long, and some fat seemed there from the Jeraldine Maguire (sorry, I couldn't resist) exit through to the Shawn/Jamie declaration of love. That whole scene felt a little rushed as well, and didn't have the punch I was hoping for.

In summary then, as I see it, the big problem at the moment is the mechanics of Fletcher, Shawn and Jamie, rather than the end place, which I think is perfect. Rather than me endlessly ruminating on it, I would really like to hear some of your views.

Terrific script, Kim - really great work.

Andrew

P.S. It didn't feel like 'Knocked Up' at all!

P.P.S and an EDIT: Ignore my comments re: Page 64 - clearly you hadn't intended for the doc to be ambiguous, as it's in your logline! My bad. Official excuse is tiredness - it's now 04.56 here in the UK!



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Andrew  -  August 19th, 2009, 12:56am
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screen_dreamer
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Andrew,

Thank you so much for your in depth analysis.  


Quoted Text
Jamie reminds me of Ginnifer Goodwin's character in 'He's Just Not That Into You' - is that intentional?


No, it wasn't.  I saw the movie, but I'll have to watch it again to see if I notice what you're referring to.  Thanks for pointing that out.


Quoted Text
I can literally see this script as a film in front of me - well, not literally, but you know what I mean


I'm glad you could b/c I could while I was writing it, moreso than any other script I've written, and I'm written a lot lol  I had to keep reminding myself that it was a script and not a movie  


Quoted Text
Wouldn't a more clinical means be employed - a bit of the ol' artificial insemination?


Good point and I address that in the newest draft.  Jamie makes a point to mention to Tiffany that a friend of hers went to a sperm bank and she had an awful experience so Jamie is determined to do it "the old fashioned way"


Quoted Text
No idea why, but all I can see is Gerard Butler as Shawn - who do you have in mind?


I always saw Shawn as someone younger than the Jamie and Fletcher characters.  Someone not quite as mature as the rest, kwim.  I actually have a dream cast in my head and I'm probably embarrassing myself by giving it out, but what the heck.  And for the record, I KNOW I could never get these people:

Jamie - Isla Fisher
Shawn - Jake Gyllenhaal
Fletcher - Josh Lucas
Tiffany - Connie Nielson
Spencer - Jeffrey Dean Morgan


Quoted Text
I took your name to IMDb and found a 'Kim Britt' there with 'Thanks'


By far the nicest compliment I've ever gotten.  To the best of my knowledge, no one has ever IMDB'd me before.  Major ego boost!  Alas, it's not me.


Quoted Text
Page 64: Lovely little sleight of hand - I was actually very suspenseful as to which of them would be the doc.


That actually didn't make it into the new draft.  I was told by a reviewer that the point of view change was odd and didn't make sense.


Quoted Text
Shawn has been missing for a long time, and with my hunch he's pivotal to the ending, it just feels too long.


In the rewrite, there's a lot more Shawn in it, and earlier on, too.  Good pick up!


Quoted Text
There's definitely some confusion now as to who Jamie is supposed to be drawn to. Shawn or Fletcher?


I sent the script for professional coverage and my reader said he wanted to see more of a love triangle.  So it's intentional that you not know who she picks until the end.  It's even more apparent in the rewrite.


Quoted Text
Personally, I think there needs to be some work on Fletcher to make that transition a bit smoother.


Excellent point.  I decided that Shawn was too "perfect" and needed to be given a few flaws and Fletcher was too asshole-y and needed to be softened up a bit.  So I believe I accomplished all this in the latest draft.


Quoted Text
Jamie's office departure - Jeraldine Maguire? Sorry, bad joke, but it just reminded me of that scene in 'Jerry Maguire', which happens to be one of my faves.


LMAO!  Ok, you caught me.  I totally LOVE that scene.  Quoting Jerry: "I'm not gonna do what you all think I'm gonna do... which is flip out".  So funny!  I left this scene in on the rewrite, but if it's too similar or too familiar, I could remove it.


Quoted Text
Also, 118-pages feels quite long


The new draft is 115.  Still long by rom/com standards, but I'm working on that and hope to one day get it to under 110.


So thanks again for the excellent review.  I would have loved to have gotten your opinion on the rewrite.   Perhaps I'll post it in the future when this one fades out lol

Kim
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Andrew
Posted: August 19th, 2009, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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Kim,


Quoted from screen_dreamer
Good point and I address that in the newest draft.  Jamie makes a point to mention to Tiffany that a friend of hers went to a sperm bank and she had an awful experience so Jamie is determined to do it "the old fashioned way"


This is all you needed to cover that small point. Nice one.


Quoted from screen_dreamer
I always saw Shawn as someone younger than the Jamie and Fletcher characters.  Someone not quite as mature as the rest, kwim.  I actually have a dream cast in my head and I'm probably embarrassing myself by giving it out, but what the heck.  And for the record, I KNOW I could never get these people:

Jamie - Isla Fisher
Shawn - Jake Gyllenhaal
Fletcher - Josh Lucas
Tiffany - Connie Nielson
Spencer - Jeffrey Dean Morgan


It shows the level to which you have thought this - don't be embarrassed. Btw, that would be a great cast.


Quoted from screen_dreamer
I sent the script for professional coverage and my reader said he wanted to see more of a love triangle.  So it's intentional that you not know who she picks until the end.  It's even more apparent in the rewrite.


Definitely think the 'triangle' is the way forward. My only real issue was that it didn't feel fairly weighted in how you presented, but it seems you have tackled that now.


Quoted from screen_dreamer
LMAO!  Ok, you caught me.  I totally LOVE that scene.  Quoting Jerry: "I'm not gonna do what you all think I'm gonna do... which is flip out".  So funny!  I left this scene in on the rewrite, but if it's too similar or too familiar, I could remove it.


Haha! I love it when movies pay in-move homage to great films, so I loved the connect here. Haha, yeh, that whole section from the restaurant through to the in-lift "You complete me" was gold.


Quoted from screen_dreamer
The new draft is 115.  Still long by rom/com standards, but I'm working on that and hope to one day get it to under 110.


Definitely think that would be the way forward.


Quoted from screen_dreamer
So thanks again for the excellent review.  I would have loved to have gotten your opinion on the rewrite.   Perhaps I'll post it in the future when this one fades out lol


The pleasure was all mine. Great script and I look forward to seeing this on the big screen 'cos I think it has masses of potential. Btw, would love to read the new draft, given half the chance!

Andrew



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screen_dreamer
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Andrew,

Thanks again for all your kind words.  I went though the script again last night with a fine tooth comb.  I'm getting it ready to go back to the coverage place.  I'm desperately trying to get a consider so I can use it as a marketing tool.  I haven't been able to generate any reads from this thing.  Perhaps my logline needs some sprucing up or maybe even a new title.  Any suggestions?

Btw, if you wanted to read the new draft I could email it to you.  Unless you were just trying to be polite.  Don't feel obligated to, though.  You've done more than enough already.

Oh and I unfortunately took out the "Jamie McGuire" scene.  I think you were right about it being too similar.  Instead I have Jamie write up a letter of resignation where she says all those nasty things about Brentwood and then she makes a bunch of copies and hands it around the office lol  Same effect but without ripping off a great movie!

Kim
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lalaindahouse
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i like the title!  i think you should keep it, unless if there's another big movie of the same name.  

and i would have to agree with andrew, you're a very talented writer.  i read, "better have loved" and that was a well-written script as well!
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Andrew
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Kim,

I most definitely would like to read the new draft. My email is: andrewallen1981@googlemail.com.

Your call with the 'Jamie Maguire' scene, but I personally loved the nod towards the film. That said, I most certainly trust in your abilities.

'Donor Daddy' - I did ponder whether or not I liked this name last night, and couldn't quite make my mind up. On the one hand, it's catchy and memorable, but on the other hand, it doesn't quite fit. What were your reasons for naming it that?

Oh, and with regards to more reads - I assume you meant on SS? - I would just advise to read as much here as you can, and to garner interest that way, 'cos most will reciprocate. There are others who will take a read if you drop them an ask - people like JonnyBoy are up for that, and he gives a lot of thought to his replies. Baltis will always give honest reads.

I have had an idea where a 'Recommendation' thread could be started up, and within that thread writers here can recommend others' scripts from the site - which would help generate reads, I think. I've been pondering whether or not that will be suitable. I think I'll run that idea past Bert.

Andrew


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Very kind of you.  Thanks so much!
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Andrew,

Thanks for the offer.  I'll send the script right over.  When I said reads, I didn't mean here.  I've been very fortunate with peer reviews on this script, both here and at Zoetrope.  I meant like agents/managers/prodcos.  I've sent out tons of query letters and maybe a handful of requests.
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Quoted from screen_dreamer
I meant like agents/managers/prodcos.  I've sent out tons of query letters and maybe a handful of requests.


Oh, I see! Umm, I will get to thinking on that one for you. Maybe drop you an email to avoid clogging up this thread. To be fair, I think it's mostly about deciphering the key strengths of the script and highlighting why people would want to go see this film. That's the business end of it, I guess.

Andrew


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Andrew, I appreciate all the effort you're putting into this for me.  Above and beyond.  Thanks so much!
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dresseme
Posted: August 20th, 2009, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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I decided to start reading your script, as it came so highly requested by one Mr. Andrew Allen.  I'm only going to post my initial thoughts so far, as I'm up to page 20, and going to be reading this in spurts throughout the day (during lulls at work).

First off, I'd like to say that your writing style is excellent.  You've got your formatting down solid, your actual writing is very crisp/concise, and it's a breeze to read.  It's upon reading something like this that I find myself saying "Man, I wish I could write like this."

I think you've developed your characters well, however I don't know how I feel about the story so far.  It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me that Jamie would be so against using a sperm bank and want to go through all the trouble of screening people herself.  It seems like you're missing a scene where Jamie goes to the sperm bank, sees it's filled with low-lifes, or something like that...I don't know, I think it just gets written off too quickly.

I'm having trouble not picturing Tina Fey in the role of Jamie, mainly because I'm currently watching Season 3 of "30 Rock", where she's desperately trying to get a baby, and kind of doing a lot of the same stuff.    I'm really hoping, seeing as I feel like this plot has been done quite a bit, you turn it on its head in the coming pages.

But yeah, aside from that, I'm sure once I get down to it, the rest should be a breeze due to your writing style.
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Dressel, thanks for giving it a shot.  I appreciate your feedback so far.  I've been told before that my main character reminded someone of Tina Fey, but it was because of Baby Mama.  I don't really get why this script is constantly compared to Baby Mama and Knocked up.  Besides the baby, the rest is totally different.  But that's a different issue and I digress.  

I have a much more current version of the script where I address the whole sperm bank issue.  If you're not too far into this one, maybe you'd like the read the newer one.  Just let me know.

Andrew, thanks so much for the referral.  I feel like I should put you on my payroll as my Publicist lol
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Quoted from screen_dreamer
Andrew, thanks so much for the referral.  I feel like I should put you on my payroll as my Publicist lol


Just mention me in the Oscar speech!

Andrew


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dresseme
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Quoted from screen_dreamer

I have a much more current version of the script where I address the whole sperm bank issue.  If you're not too far into this one, maybe you'd like the read the newer one.  Just let me know.


I'm up to page 32 now, so I wouldn't mind reading the new version if you want to send it my way.

I think the other thing I'm having a hard time grasping is that, to my understanding, she wants to find a guy, have sex with him, and then have him leave, no strings attached?   What I don't get is that she doesn't have to have sex with him.  That part strikes me as odd.  I mean, I know you've established that she hasn't had sex in a year, but having random, meaningless sex doesn't seem to fit with the character you've created.

But yeah, send the new draft to matthew.dressel@gmail.com.
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Dressel,

If you make it to the end, you'll realize that she's not as anti-love as she wants everyone to believe.  Somewhere deep inside, she really does want to find a guy and be happy.  But besides that, she doesn't want the creation of her child to be so technical and medical, if that makes sense.  Anyway, I can clarrify if it's not apparent enough when you get to the end.  Emailing the script now.

Andrew,

I'll thank you second, right after God
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dresseme
Posted: August 20th, 2009, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, done.

First off, let me re-iterate that I think you're a fantastic writer.  It's always nice to read a script and not have to weed through a bunch of grammatical and formatting errors.  I'm pretty sure I couldn't find mistakes even if I wanted to, and if I did, they'd probably be nit-picks.

That being said, upon giving this the full read, I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not the target audience for this film.  The humor didn't really do it for me, and I didn't really found the story all that entertaining either.  Like I said, it seemed like all pretty familiar territory to me.

A couple things that stick out are the male characters, Fletcher and Shawn.  Shawn seems like a Matthew McConaughey type character in that he's completely over-confident and doesn't really act like anyone real.  His entire attitude towards Jamie upon first meeting, right up to him walking around confidently naked and saying "Jamie is in bed with her hips in the air.  We just had hot baby sex.  You can go up if you want." exemplifies this pretty solidly.  I just never feel like he's a real person.  Same thing with Fletcher; someone who always knows exactly what to say.  In fact, I know Fletcher adds a lot of conflict to the story, but I would drastically bring down his role in the script (to help with your page count - addressed later).  But then again, I had a hard time getting past the fact that he ends up being her doctor.  A little too coincidental for my tastes.

The closest thing you have to someone who feels real is Jamie, but I can't really connect with her because I don't really identify with anything she's feeling (not your fault as the writer, my fault for having a penis   ).

And as I said before, I think the length is an issue here.  It felt like the script was gearing up to end several times, but then it kept going.  You have a lot of conflicts presented here, a lot of things that need trying up, and it might not hurt to sacrifice a couple for the sake of others.  Or just cut back some of the more dialogue intensive scenes.

I'm sorry for sounding so negative about the script.  I'm able to acknowledge that it is a good script, but it's just not made for me.  If you need me to clear anything up, I can always go back and give it another look for clarification's sake.
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screen_dreamer
Posted: August 20th, 2009, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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Dressel,

Once again, thanks for giving it a shot.  I fully acknowledge that this is definitely a rom/com geared more toward the female audience.  And I certainly can't hold it against you for having a penis

I appreciate your honesty.

Kim
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Adekfire
Posted: September 13th, 2009, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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I loved it. Wonderful narrative and dialogue. Not too much or little. Just perfect, easy to read, and flows beautifully. Most importantly, I loved the story. Great read!!!
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screen_dreamer
Posted: September 18th, 2009, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you!
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MS1
Posted: October 20th, 2009, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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"I haven't been able to generate any reads from this thing."

Are you referring to professional reads from industry people or reads here in SimplyScripts?

I haven't read your script yet, but if you're referring to professional reads I'm guessing the reason might be that it's too close to Knocked Up. That was actually the first thought that came into my head when I read the logline. Tonally or character wise the script might be totally different -- and from the intial reviews posted here it sounds like it is -- but the logline describes almost the exact same scenario as Knocked Up. Maybe change up the logline to reflect what makes the script's concept different from Knocked Up??? It seems like you've put a lot of work into this one, so I'd hate to see it go to waste...

Mark


Quoted from screen_dreamer
Andrew,

Thanks again for all your kind words.  I went though the script again last night with a fine tooth comb.  I'm getting it ready to go back to the coverage place.  I'm desperately trying to get a consider so I can use it as a marketing tool.  I haven't been able to generate any reads from this thing.  Perhaps my logline needs some sprucing up or maybe even a new title.  Any suggestions?

Btw, if you wanted to read the new draft I could email it to you.  Unless you were just trying to be polite.  Don't feel obligated to, though.  You've done more than enough already.

Oh and I unfortunately took out the "Jamie McGuire" scene.  I think you were right about it being too similar.  Instead I have Jamie write up a letter of resignation where she says all those nasty things about Brentwood and then she makes a bunch of copies and hands it around the office lol  Same effect but without ripping off a great movie!

Kim


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screen_dreamer
Posted: October 23rd, 2009, 6:48am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Mark.  I get what you're saying, and yes, the story is different.  The problem is that I'm really bad at loglines.  But I'll work on it.  Thanks for letting me know.

Kim
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CrazyArtist
Posted: November 11th, 2009, 4:18am Report to Moderator
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Just started to read your script and noticed that there was a rewrite... or so the posts say.  Could I trouble you for a copy?

thecrazyartist(at)gmail(dot)com
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Aashiq
Posted: August 24th, 2010, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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Absolutely loved the script, I would love to read the new draft.
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fionaman
Posted: October 26th, 2010, 5:14am Report to Moderator
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You know what, I like this story. I like this screenplay. You're writing style is very clean and efficient: it gets the job done. I like the protagonist, Jamie, the neurotic lawyer, even though she over-rationalizes everything and has no sense of humor just like every heroine in every romcom you've seen since 2000. I like the pace, I like the scenarios, even if some of them are a bit cliched. And god, if most of the dialogue, and the jokes here are not SPOT-ON, I don't know what is. There is some truly great stuff here in that respect.

Some of my favorite lines...

Shawn: If the shoe fits, buy it in every color. (Not even sure I know what that means, but it sure worked in context.)

Jamie: You don't look great for your age. My great-grandfather has more sex appeal than you -- and he's dead. (BURRRRNNNN!)

Alarm clock: Youíre 35. Youíre old. Youíre not
married. You have no kids. (So great, because I can just hear the voice in my head)

Now to the bad. The results would be tragic if you tried to sell this screenplay right now. Just this year, we've had not one, but two single-woman-tries-to-have-baby-on-her-own movies hit theaters (The Back Up Plan, The Switch), not counting the other movies in the same vein that have been produced in the last five years alone (Mother and Child, Baby Mama, etc.) Keep in mind that most of those movies have underperformed or outright flopped. Honestly, your script, even if it is a little rough around the edges in this draft, is better than all of those movies, but it probably wouldn't be produced because there has been such a flood of movies with a similar concept. Ouch.

Also, the weak, generic ending does not work for me. Jamie and Shawn have spent approximately 6% of the movie together, yet we're supposed to believe they're head over heels in love with each other? Bulls_hit. This is a severely underdeveloped romance, it felt tacked on and rushed, and honestly, Jamie just seems like she's desperate at this point, like she is having the single-mom jitters, and will do anything for companionship.

It needs some reworking, maybe come up with a fresher take in some spots and gut the hell out of the romance (although there really isn't much of it to gut.)

A solid 7.5/10.
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screenrider
Posted: October 28th, 2010, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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Fionaman,

Good job on digging this little diamond out of the dirt.   I read it and thoroughly enjoyed it.   But I'm gonna have to disagree with your above statement where you said it would be tragic if she tried to sell this script right now.   Movies like The Back-up Plan, The Switch. etc, will be long forgogtten in the few years time it takes to produce this into a film.   This script couldn't be more ripe for the picking than it is now, IMO.

Screen Dreamer, if you're out there, nice work.   This script is snappy, intelligent, funny and heartwarming at times.   I think you've got a hit on your hands.
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fionaman
Posted: October 28th, 2010, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I was kind of scared, thought Phil might attack me, LOL, but it was on the first page and the writer has been here recently.

You're probably right about those critical and commercial flops being forgotten. Hadn't thought of that.

I do hope screen dreamer shows up, haven't got a writer's response to any of my reviews yet, and the last few have been brand new scripts.
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