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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Donor Daddy Moderators: bert
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screen_dreamer
Posted: October 23rd, 2009, 6:48am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Mark.  I get what you're saying, and yes, the story is different.  The problem is that I'm really bad at loglines.  But I'll work on it.  Thanks for letting me know.

Kim
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CrazyArtist
Posted: November 11th, 2009, 4:18am Report to Moderator
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Just started to read your script and noticed that there was a rewrite... or so the posts say.  Could I trouble you for a copy?

thecrazyartist(at)gmail(dot)com
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Aashiq
Posted: August 24th, 2010, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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Absolutely loved the script, I would love to read the new draft.
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fionaman
Posted: October 26th, 2010, 5:14am Report to Moderator
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You know what, I like this story. I like this screenplay. You're writing style is very clean and efficient: it gets the job done. I like the protagonist, Jamie, the neurotic lawyer, even though she over-rationalizes everything and has no sense of humor just like every heroine in every romcom you've seen since 2000. I like the pace, I like the scenarios, even if some of them are a bit cliched. And god, if most of the dialogue, and the jokes here are not SPOT-ON, I don't know what is. There is some truly great stuff here in that respect.

Some of my favorite lines...

Shawn: If the shoe fits, buy it in every color. (Not even sure I know what that means, but it sure worked in context.)

Jamie: You don't look great for your age. My great-grandfather has more sex appeal than you -- and he's dead. (BURRRRNNNN!)

Alarm clock: You’re 35. You’re old. You’re not
married. You have no kids. (So great, because I can just hear the voice in my head)

Now to the bad. The results would be tragic if you tried to sell this screenplay right now. Just this year, we've had not one, but two single-woman-tries-to-have-baby-on-her-own movies hit theaters (The Back Up Plan, The Switch), not counting the other movies in the same vein that have been produced in the last five years alone (Mother and Child, Baby Mama, etc.) Keep in mind that most of those movies have underperformed or outright flopped. Honestly, your script, even if it is a little rough around the edges in this draft, is better than all of those movies, but it probably wouldn't be produced because there has been such a flood of movies with a similar concept. Ouch.

Also, the weak, generic ending does not work for me. Jamie and Shawn have spent approximately 6% of the movie together, yet we're supposed to believe they're head over heels in love with each other? Bulls_hit. This is a severely underdeveloped romance, it felt tacked on and rushed, and honestly, Jamie just seems like she's desperate at this point, like she is having the single-mom jitters, and will do anything for companionship.

It needs some reworking, maybe come up with a fresher take in some spots and gut the hell out of the romance (although there really isn't much of it to gut.)

A solid 7.5/10.
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screenrider
Posted: October 28th, 2010, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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Fionaman,

Good job on digging this little diamond out of the dirt.   I read it and thoroughly enjoyed it.   But I'm gonna have to disagree with your above statement where you said it would be tragic if she tried to sell this script right now.   Movies like The Back-up Plan, The Switch. etc, will be long forgogtten in the few years time it takes to produce this into a film.   This script couldn't be more ripe for the picking than it is now, IMO.

Screen Dreamer, if you're out there, nice work.   This script is snappy, intelligent, funny and heartwarming at times.   I think you've got a hit on your hands.
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fionaman
Posted: October 28th, 2010, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I was kind of scared, thought Phil might attack me, LOL, but it was on the first page and the writer has been here recently.

You're probably right about those critical and commercial flops being forgotten. Hadn't thought of that.

I do hope screen dreamer shows up, haven't got a writer's response to any of my reviews yet, and the last few have been brand new scripts.
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