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Don
Posted: October 28th, 2009, 9:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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V by Josh J. (usaking) - Comedy, Fantasy - The mother of a teenage girl, dies. The day after her funeral, she is reincarnated as her daughter's vagina. Now, the daughter must save her mom before her period comes. 89 pages - pdf, format


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mcornetto
Posted: October 28th, 2009, 11:58pm Report to Moderator
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I had a look at some of this.  I'll read the rest, or as much as I can handle, a bit later.  Usaking, if that is really who you are, you are  brilliant and subversive and at the same time you disgust me.

I still hold to my original assessment of your work.  It will never be a movie but it would make a fantastic underground comic.

To those of you who were offended by usaking's last epic - do yourself a favour and skip this one.  While usaking may write about perverse and strange worlds, he has every right to do so -- you don't have to go there if you don't want to.    
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mcornetto
Posted: October 29th, 2009, 6:28am Report to Moderator
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Alright! I read the whole thing.  

Overall, I really find your scripts mind-boggling weird and perverse and subversive and a bit humourous.   You seem to come up with strange things like the mother and baby screaming at each other or that odd scene with rodentiality.  You have a lot of truly surreal moments in your script and I like them for these reasons.

However, I think that this particular script is a bit too long.  It kind of drags after the middle.  I liked the middle by the way, even if it was self-referential, it felt kind of like that hang moment when a ball you've thrown up in the air hangs in the sky before it falls back down to the ground.

It seems like most of your scripts, including this one, have most of their bang up front - almost like you don't expect people to get far enough through them so you don't care much about the second half.  You should pace your script so that we are equally shocked or surprised all the way through.  I got the feeling in this one that you tired of the story and were just writing anything in order to get to the end.

The end didn't do much for me.  The self-referential thing was used up by the middle and it was no longer a surprise or interesting.  I think you should definitely rewrite the end.

There were a lot of typos in this script - if you don't care enough to clean your script of typos, why should I care to read it. Also you got very repetitive especially with the word butt fucking - by the time I was a quarter of the way through the script it no longer was surprising, it was tiresome and started to feel a bit purile.  You should really try to avoid getting purile with your scripts because they have a lot of value when they aren't.

Have you ever read a series of comics called Ed the Happy Clown.  If you haven't you should.  The reason I ask is because some of the stuff you have here really reminds me of Ed. This is why I say to you underground comics.  

Your scripts don't remind me of movies.  Unless you did them yourself, I don't think anyone would actually produce some of the stuff you have in there - not live anyway - it would have to be animated.  I can't think of an animated movie that is anything like what you've got here nor is there ever likely to be one either. Unless you did it yourself.

However, I can think of numerous underground comics that explore exactly the same territory you do.  You'd be right at home.   And who knows Ed is supposed to be made into a movie next year - maybe you'll be as lucky.  

Anyway, that's all I have to say.      
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usaking
Posted: October 30th, 2009, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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First off, I want to thank Don for posting my script up.

mcornetto, thanks for your input. The middle, for me, does not seem to drag at all. Maybe, it's just me, but I enjoyed the middle much more than the beginning or ending of the script.

I too noticed that some words are used repetitively. I did this on purpose, because for me, it seemed very funny and humorous. I guess maybe it didn't work well.

I know that this script is very purile. It isn't supposed to be taken seriously (obviously), so I put as much purile stuff in as I could. I thought it worked well, but i could always tweak it to make it better. I do not usually put a lot of purile items in my script, but I felt like I had to on this particular one.

I know I have a lot of typos, this is a rough draft for sure. I will be sure to clean up those typos in the future.

I never heard or read of the comic series you speak of. It's funny, you are the 2nd person to say that my scripts are like underground comics, yet, I never read them. Maybe I should start to in the future and see what happens.

I am studying to become a director and this script has obviously not been made yet. Again, I know my scripts have a very low chance of being made, it isn't surprising. I would never want this to be animated. It wouldn't fit well with me, but that's just my opinion.

Again, I will be sure to start looking at some underground comics over the weekend (especially Ed the clown). Thanks again for reading my script.
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rendevous
Posted: October 31st, 2009, 6:04am Report to Moderator
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Josh,

I see you're back with another tour de force. No matter what anybody says you can rest assured your work is unique and original so credit where's it due.

Of course it could also be said it's sick, twisted, depraved and perverted. But then you know that don't you? But then again opinions differ. And one man's meat is another man's murder.

I'm not easily shocked so I gave it a read.

It's fucking hilarious! I'm not sure if that's intentional but funny is funny USAking. So good work on that.

What are you on? Can I have some?

Now then...

For a start the title. There was a big Sci-Fi series called V. So when I saw this I thought is was gonna be a remake of that. And there's also Alan Moore's V for Vendatta so I'd seriously consider changing the title. Flicking through I notice you mention VVV. That works for me.

I'm gonna be careful with the quotes as I don't want to offend the more tender members of SS. Sorry, that sounded far ruder than I intended.

Very interesting choice in character names! I'm still laughing.


Quoted from V
In the middle of the room is a long and wide table, which is also white.


Ah now, you can do better. "In the middle of the room is a huge white table."

I actually thought the writing and the dialogue are pretty damn good. I was hooked from the off. I have no idea what's gonna happen and I'm completely intrigued. I'm also slightly worried, but I guess that's the idea.

I think it starts off well. But then there's a lot of just dialogue. I'd add a little action description occasionally just to break it up.


Quoted from V
TOOL
Gee Willikers!


I've been pissing myself laughing up until now but that cracked me up proper. Ooh it hurts. This is absolutely twistedly hilarious. Loving it.

Strange choice for the medicinal cure methods. Not sure how they'd work but then again, we're in a strange place. When in Rome...

The dialogue about why vaginas grow in human throats is absolutely inspired! I've not laughed at a script this much in ages.


Quoted from V
the top of it brakes off.

Breaks off. Brakes are on cars and the like Josh. Common error.


Quoted from V
.....laying on the table suddenly starts to flap rapidly.


I'd lose the 'starts'. No need. We know it wasn't doing it before so just say "...laying on the table suddenly flaps rapidly.


Quoted from V
now the size of the room, explodes with light everywhere.


Er, that doesn't sound quite right to me. You can do better. "explodes outwards into a ball of bright light" or something along those lines.

Your character's name in the graveyard scene would work better, for me at least, if you played around with the spelling a bit, may Cly Tauris. You get the idea.

Typo - "!985 - 2009."


Quoted from V
He has glasses on and is in a wheelchair wearing black pants and a white shirt.


I'm sure he has. I'd say the phrasing here needs a bit of improvement. What type of glasses, is he scruffy or immaculate? Not to patronise but to help you could say "He sits awkwardly in the wheelchair. His thick rimmed glasses dwarf his eyes. His white shirt and black pants are immaculate." Something like that. Just reads better to me and creates a clearer visual image.

Er, the same with his name. They're just too obvious. Bit of work and they'd be a bonus giggle.

His conversation is, erm, quite fascinating.


Quoted from V
EXT.ROAD - NIGHT
Clit drives in the darkness with Pe in the passenger seat of her black Lexus.


And then you go to dialogue. I'd say you should either start in the car or move there with a header.


Quoted from V
You can only ask if you have a question.

Hmm....I guess it is good because I get to go to the circus for free.


Touching on 'genius' answers. Can't stop laughing! Stop it!


Quoted from V
One time I was caught using a urinal and I got arrested for 1st degree murder.


Sadly it didn't last. You can do much better.


Quoted from V
Clit slams the break on the car.


See earlier comment. At least you're consistant.


Okay Josh. I've promised some other reads but I'll come back and finish this. It has left a mark (or should that be stain?) on me. Later today or tomorrow with any luck.

I have to agree with McCornetto wholeheartedly.

This doesn't read like a film script at all. I think his idea of underground comic is perfect and defintely an avenue you should investigate.

They concentrate more on the actual images rather than actions but it'd be a doddle for you as I'm sure you have the scene clear in your head.

I think this one is much better than your previous efforts.

Obviously sex and sexual organs seem to fascinate you. This is perfectly understandable. They do that to most people. Just most people don't have the balls to say it. Er, bad choice of words there.

That's fine. But it can become tiresome. As interesting as the world of sex is it can be in danger of just being a very weird porn type script which I don't think is your intention.

To avoid this I'd throw something else weird into the mix. I'll leave that up to you.

Good work. Keep it up fella!

RV


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

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rendevous  -  October 31st, 2009, 6:10am
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JonnyBoy
Posted: October 31st, 2009, 6:46am Report to Moderator
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Enter one of the so-called 'tender members'. It's not tenderness, it's a dislike for gratuity. If there's a reason for gore, violence or peversion in their context, then I'm all for it. But only if there's a reason!

I actually had a look at this, because I feel I reacted pretty badly to Frayson. Since I knew what kind of thing to expect, I had no problem with this at all. I think steering clear of 13-year old boys and sodomising Jesus might have helped there! There were moments where I went 'eww' - the moment where she shoves her own shit up her vagina, for example - that was most likely supposed to be a joke, but it didn't strike me as funny. But there were moments I found funny, so good one there.

I have no idea what to actually say about this, in a constructive sense. I can't offer you a proper review, since I still maintain that you're not writing 'screenplays' - by which I mean, you're not writing that has much chance of being turned into a film. There's also not much point commenting on characters, plot, etc., since you clearly have a unique vision here and I don't want to mess with that.

As Rev said, you're original, there's no denying that. I still have no idea if you can actually write; until you attempt something with even vaguely realistic characters or a coherent narrative, I won't be about to judge that. I continue to live in hope that you'll do that some day. I can't really make a decision as to where this is 'good' or 'bad', since I have no idea what criteria to judge it by. So I'll just settle for this: I liked it better than Frayson. Now try coming down to the real world of people, and emotions, and life! It's not that bad down here...


Guess who's back? Back again?
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rendevous
Posted: October 31st, 2009, 8:12am Report to Moderator
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Right. Back.


Quoted from V
Take this and rub it in your *******
tonight while saying the word
"Cumdidiliumpsious."


Instead of 'in' I'd say 'into'. Like the word choice though! I feel like a schoolboy.

[RV's cheeks redden]

I mean I'm taken back. Oh you know what I mean.


Quoted from V
I used to be the president of the
United States of America.


A step too far, even for me. Not really funny either. Maybe an advisor to...?


Quoted from V
Jung lets go of the picture. The wind blows it far away, out
of reach for Jung. His hair blows in the wind as he watches
the picture disappear.


That's quite an effective end to the scene, somewhat poetic too.

I read through your reply to McCornetto. Whilst I understand your postion on animation I think it's a somewhat stubborn one. I'd say animation would be the best way to bring these scripts to life. I really couldn't see this working on film.

A style such as used in Persepolis would work perfectly in my humble. Black and white with perhaps the odd dash of colour. But for each their own.

JohnnyBoy's reaction is understandable. And he makes some good points. I still think this would work well if animated.

However I suspect his opinion is shared by many others. Which means you're playing to a smaller audience than most. I'd read his review carefully. He makes some very good points.

As an aside you'd love Charlie Brooker.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/profile/charliebrooker

And this would be right up your street. He uses a lot of the same language but he does work for The Guardian (great UK newspaper). You could learn a lot from him. I'm sure you're familiar with TV listings mags. Here's his version -

http://www.tvgohome.com/

Back to the script...


Quoted from V
Clit looks at the...


You're a bit too fond of the word 'look' for my taste. Substitute 'stares', 'glances', 'peers' occasionally and it'll read better.

"Here goes nothing" Just lacking a '.'


Quoted from V
Clit takes her clothes off and throws them on the ground.


I'll mention it just the once. It's my current bugbear. 'and'. She doesn't do what you say she does. She performs a series of actions, one after the other. The way it's written states it happens at the same time, which is impossible. Use 'then' instead or separate the sentences.

I notice you've an aversion to full stops. You need to proof read lad. Simple mistakes like that bug people and make 'em wanna stop reading. Avoid it.


Quoted from V
...is BONE-HER, the family dog.


Erm. I'm giggling but I should be laughing. See earlier comment about names.


Quoted from V
The cigarette lands on top of a squirrel. The squirrel
squeals in pain as it burns to death.


Not sure how you'd do that on film. Maybe CGI. Animation a doddle. Not sure how you'd do any of this on film. I doubt anyone would spend the money for CGI on this when it's clearly crying out to be animated.

Brings me to an important point. There is none here. It seems to be a random collection of thoughts. Like a random stream of consciousness, to be generous. Whilst there's something here it needs some coherence to pull it together. It would be a vast improvement. Think about it.

The dog scene is a classic example. It's graphic and appaling and I guess that's the idea. Apart from saying something about these characters it doesn't seem to have any point. It's certainly not interesting or funny. Many of the previous scenes were.

RV

T.B.C.


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

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The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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usaking
Posted: October 31st, 2009, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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rendevous - I am very surprised that you find my script so hilarious, as you say. I hoped people would think that my script is funny, but hilarious, that's just great to hear.

I know that the title isn't very good. When I first made this script, I had a totally different title. Unfortunately, I had a feeling it wouldn't go well if it was posted on this site, so I changed it at the last second.

I agree that most of my script is dialouge, especially in the middle. I did this because I didn't want to be too descriptive. Lots of times, I see writers who spend too much time on description. I tired to get away from that, but it seems as if I went too far with the dialouge. I will see what I can do to fix it and make it better.

There are a lot of spelling and grammar errors in this. As I said in an earlier reply, this is a first draft.

I do plan to start reading underground comics soon to see exactly what you guys are talking about. It might be a good career choice.

The chances of most of my scripts being produced is very low. I am always hopeful though.

I can see how you would think of my script as a "random collection of thoughts." I find it much more surreal. The reason I don't like writing comedies is because I like certain kinds of comedy that doesn't appeal to everyone. Luis Bunuel is one of my biggest influences, so you can see where I am coming from.

Jonnyboy - I am glad you had no problems with my script. A few days before submitting it, I took out some stuff that might get people angry. Luckily, it seems that I did the right thing. I am glad you found some parts of my script funny.

I know most of my scripts, if not all, are extremely fictional. Yet, I also have many ideas that are non-fictional as well. My next script might be non-fiction, but I haven't decided yet. I am taking a little break from writing a new script to spend time with friends and family.

I thank both of you for reading my script, again. Hopefully I will be able to fix those errors mentioned above.
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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: October 31st, 2009, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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I have to say that parts of this are truly inspired.

Some of the dialogue is absolutely fantastic- 'I知 sorry for your loss.'...'Thanks grandpa. I知 sure my mom is in a better place now.'...'No, I meant I知 sorry for the loss of your virginity. I drugged you last night and butt f****d you while you were asleep. I also was tested positive for HIV too. It just came into my mind right now.' - A touching moment between grandfather and granddaughter which really shouldn't be funny, but is actually hilarious. Equally as funny was the follow-up coversation 'Your mother would be so proud...'

The bumble bee scenario was brilliant. Don't know why, but it was.

'I知 in a f*****g wheelchair. How do you think I知 doing?'...'Well, it could be worse. You could have a burnt face.' - Ha! Your mind is a twisted, yet wonderous thing!

I'm not going to pull you up on the many typos in the script, as I see you have addressed those on previous responses.

All in all, I have to congratulate you for many reasons- For having the bottle to actually submit something like this, for having way too many great lines to quote, and for having real touches of extreme (albeit perverted) genius.

I'm glad I read this, but I have to agree that I don't this would ever be made into a feature (can you just imagine the reaction of 'Daily Mail' readers if this ever got filmed?!?).

I look forward to reading more of your stuff, if this is anything to go by.

It reads like an accurately documented account of one of David Lynch's more disturbing, absynthe fuelled wet dreams.

Good work (I think)

Craig


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usaking
Posted: October 31st, 2009, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading and enjoying my script craig.

I am very greatful to hear that I have improved on my dialouge. To me, dialouge is one of the most important elements in a script.

Thanks for complimenting me on the bumble bee scenario. I am surprised that you loved that part so much because it is such a tiny piece of the script.

Over the past few hours I have been looking into underground comics. But, I still think this has a low chance of being filmed. I am not entirely giving up on that, at least not yet.

Even though I am glad you are looking forward to my future stuff, I don't want you or anyone else to think that all my scripts are like this. I plan to write a non-fiction script really soon. I love Fantasy, but have the ability to do "normal" scripts as well.

David Lynch is one of my favorite directors, but I wouldn't really say he inspired me with this script. As said earlier, Luis Bunuel is the real man that made me look at comedy in a totally different perspective.

Thanks again.

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usaking  -  November 1st, 2009, 10:02am
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George Willson
Posted: November 1st, 2009, 3:09am Report to Moderator
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Usaking, if I pegged anyone that you should watch everything from, it's David Lynch. Like yours, his films are the type that are so bizarre that you might have no idea what happened the first time you saw, yet you're compelled to watch it again. Like you, he makes people say "what the heck was that?" and he continues to work. Is he a genius or just plain warped? Who knows? Who cares? Point is that while your visuals might be too far out to shoot, your style and imagination are perfect. I have no doubt that once your work can get some legs under it, you'll find an audience. Honestly, you're too weird not to.


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rendevous
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Quoted from George Willson
Point is that while your visuals might be too far out to shoot, your style and imagination are perfect. I have no doubt that once your work can get some legs under it, you'll find an audience. Honestly, you're too weird not to.


Ah, listen. Can you hear that? That noise. That's a nail being hit square on the head that is. He said it better than I could. And he's right.

You need to engage your audience, as Lynch does, and he does it well. Put your mind to it and you might too.





Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

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Right Back

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usaking
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Thanks for the advice + compliments George and rendevous.

I love surrealism and to hear that I am good at it is quite a compliment.

I will take the advice both of you have given me and use it in the future.
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rendevous
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USAKing,

I'm writing this as I do think frankly it's neglected. I'd like to see a few more of the regulars round here comment or at least read. I think Craig picked one of the best ones...


Quoted from V
Iソスm in a fuc*ing wheelchair. How do you think Iソスm doing?


I'm sorry. If you don't find that funny then you'll get no biscuits to go with your tea in my house.

You've got something here. It needs polishing and you've often gone too far but who the fuck knows where that line is drawn in the sand.

Personally, most here know I like a laugh. And I haven't laughed so much in ages as when I read this. Credit where it's due. You're onto something lad. Just try and find it.

Re


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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usaking
Posted: November 1st, 2009, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for commenting on that quote from my script rendevous. I'm sure not everyone finds it funny, but it is nice that some people do.

I don't mind that not a lot of people have read or commented on my script. In fact, I prefer it, rather than my first script and how it got hundreds of comments and views for being so controversial.

I've been taking notes on what I have to work on with this script and plan to edit my script this coming week.

By the way, in case anyone hasn't noticed, the main character in my script is supposed to be really really really dumb. That is why she basically agrees with everyone about everything. Just wanted to point that out in case some people didn't understand it.
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