The Prince of Coal (7WC) by Gary D. Rademan (grademan) - Comedy, Family, Animation - Santa loses his Christmas spirit and the responsibility falls on his assistant who screws up by finding a replacement who received coal every year for Christmas leading to a showdown between old Santa and new Santa on Christmas Eve (90 pages, PDF). - pdf, format

Gary. Gazza. Gazza? I like it.

Here are my notes as I read your script.

"With a bit of Santa magic" I think you should be more specific. It's fine if he throws some powder in the air or whatever, but just show us what he is doing.

Okay, page 3, I'm confused. Your slug needs to be more specific (I love that word). I'm assuming the tree, Santa, and the child are in the same room, yet after a few seconds, the child is in her bed.

Also, maybe the fire could be caused by the lights on the tree heating the tree up. The wire sparking doesn't really make sense.

How do we know there are droppings in the snowball? Maybe have G mutter under his breath that there are, otherwise the audience wouldn't know.

Page 14 and things are going sweeeeet. Dialogue is gold, some hilarious lines, action is clean, and building up a story. Good stuff!

Page 20. G leaves, then T asks him a question.... when he isn't there.

Don't need this, "Up close, Monger reeks of furry troll." Show don't tell, like you did in the line after this one.

I don't think that's the right way to format a vision. I'm not sure of the right way, though. I like it.

Would this all be animation? Or would the humans be real?

Page 26. I wouldn't have "moments later" but cut to another scene for a bit. Then come back to this one, and it will be clearer Thomas told him what they should do.

Okay, so we have met the bad guy. On page 29 or whatever it is. It's slightly too late, I think he should be introduced ten or so pages earlier...

I don't think one incident at the start with the burning house can justify Santa being this depressed and sad. I think there needs to be a lead up of incidents. They don't need to happen on screen, just mentioned.

Page 65, and everything seems good so far. Everything has been set up and developed, lets hope it ends well!

One thing I have noticed here is that the good guys usually win... against the odds. In this, there are some many good guys... and only a few bad guys. Hopefully there is moe against the good guys before the end,

Okay, page 73, and I take back the first comment about the tree on fire, it makes sense now.

I love the final battle and the percent montage

Aaaand, good ending.

I thought I would have more comments than this, I don't think I was very helpful, but I don't really know what else to say.

I liked it. It was slightly predictable, but most kids stories are. Some awesome lines in there, and format was all good.

So well done for writing this, I'm sure others will also enjoy to read it.

Tommy,

Thanks for the read! It's my first feature ever.

Quoted Text "With a bit of Santa magic" I think you should be more specific. It's fine if he throws some powder in the air or whatever, but just show us what he is doing.

I was going to leave that to the film maker's decision but yes I should have indicated it.

Quoted Text Okay, page 3, I'm confused. Your slug needs to be more specific (I love that word). I'm assuming the tree, Santa, and the child are in the same room, yet after a few seconds, the child is in her bed.

My bad.

Quoted Text Also, maybe the fire could be caused by the lights on the tree heating the tree up. The wire sparking doesn't really make sense.

Thanks for pointing that out. We get an explanation later as you point out but that's too long to wait. I'll look at this.

Quoted Text How do we know there are droppings in the snowball? Maybe have G mutter under his breath that there are, otherwise the audience wouldn't know.

D'oh.

Quoted Text Page 20. G leaves, then T asks him a question.... when he isn't there.

There originally was a wryly there (to self with suspicion). Shoulda left it in.

Quoted Text Don't need this, "Up close, Monger reeks of furry troll." Show don't tell, like you did in the line after this one.

Double D'oh

Quoted Text I don't think that's the right way to format a vision. I'm not sure of the right way, though. I like it.

Should be similar to a montage.

Quoted Text Would this all be animation? Or would the humans be real?

Good question. I could see that.

Quoted Text Page 26. I wouldn't have "moments later" but cut to another scene for a bit. Then come back to this one, and it will be clearer Thomas told him what they should do.

Excellent suggestion.

Quoted Text Okay, so we have met the bad guy. On page 29 or whatever it is. It's slightly too late, I think he should be introduced ten or so pages earlier...

Sigh. I agree. One third of the way thru and we finally meet the bad guy.

Quoted Text I don't think one incident at the start with the burning house can justify Santa being this depressed and sad. I think there needs to be a lead up of incidents. They don't need to happen on screen, just mentioned.

Another good point.

Quoted Text One thing I have noticed here is that the good guys usually win... against the odds. In this, there are some many good guys... and only a few bad guys. Hopefully there is moe against the good guys before the end,

I agree the protags have it a little too easy in the beginning in this one.

Quoted Text I love the final battle and the percent montage aand, good ending.

Thanks. This was hard but fun to write.

GARY

Hi Gary, have just finished reading this. You have really put in some hard work on this, so good job.
Look, I have to admit, I really struggled to get into this. The first couple of scenes weren't really comedy to me, more drama than anything. i know you see this as an animation, maybe that's my prob when reading it. It doesn't come over as a comedy straight away, so it became a hard sell for me.

I couldn't really fault your actual writing, there were some nice images in there. The whole coal mites concept didn't really fire me up (no pun intended) but the final scenes were pretty good, in that the story accelerated more.
i think the prob was reading this in three stages instead of all at once, like I usually do. Xmas Day interrupted me a bit.

Hey, this challenge was a pretty big thing, and i reckon we all did well. This one just wasn't my cup of tea, but I can see the family entertainment value in it.
I would like to read a re-write as I feel you have a solid background to work with here. Cheers buddy

Thanks Stevie.

Your comments are appreciated. I expected this to get the "not  my cup of tea"  comments. And it really wasn't meant to be a comedy even though I thought  it had to be done as an animation. And the coal mites could exist under certain circumstances making it hard to get to believe in them.

But glad you liked parts of it. I saw this as a good finisher.

Gary

I think I’m with Stevie on this one, sorry to say, so I’m not sure how helpful I can actually be here. I thought this was remarkably clean for a first draft, so well done for that. I do think you have a good story here, I just don’t know who the target audience is. In my opinion, it’s too dark with little comedy to make it a kids animation, and it’s not the type of story that would have adults flocking to the cinema to see it. I don’t see where it fits. The only way I could see it working, would be to add more comedy, (example, more elf/dwarf/troll games), especially early on because this starts out as a dark drama with the house fire and aim towards the kids market.

My biggest problem was Thomas. Although it turns out he’s not the main bad guy in the end, his back story was on the light side. I wanted to know more about him, why he got coal every year, why was he on the naughty list year after year and why he wanted to ruin Christmas for everyone else. I didn’t care much for him at all, I do think he needs to be developed more in the next draft.

I liked the angle you had with the coal mite basically running the show. Cool stuff.

We know Gnarles messed up by selecting Thomas as Santa’s replacement but how was he selected? It takes a stretch to think Gnarles would overlook Thomas getting coal every year while he was selecting this replacement. I would have liked to have seen more of the selection process and Thomas and Lump tricking there way into getting the position, not just them showing up after a phone call from Gnarles.

You did well with most of your characters. Gnarles was my favourite, I liked how he walked about like he was the top man, scribbling in his book. You made me feel for Santa while he was depressed. I liked Serena to start with but she got quite annoying late on, which was strange. I can’t pinpoint exactly when this started happening for me. Bruce and Chuck were fun, but the constant kicking got old after a while and could be toned down just a little. I would have liked to see a bit of friction in Santa’s camp, with some people siding with Thomas and Lump but realising their mistake in the end and help Santa. Right now it’s too much ‘us vs them’ about it and it could help your story if Thomas and Lump use some of Santa’s own workers against him.

Well, that’s all I can think of. It’s very well written, a breeze to read, but the story just wasn’t my thing. Still, I’m sure others will get a lot of enjoyment out of this and you did make a great job of it. Well done completing the challenge on time.

Brian

1987Brian,

Thanks for the positive comments along with some much needed advice.

I agree on the points above, esp. the target audience quandry. Most excellent point. This originally was going to be a story about a boy who received coal and how it affected his life. Then it started to drift into animation land.

As for characters. Gnarles was my fav. I know what you mean about Serena - she went from adorable to sassy. I had so much fun with Gnarles that Thomas took a backseat.

I see this as a draft in need some major doctoring.  I am not sure I am up to it now.  

Thanks for the time and the comments. I'll be sure to read your new features coming up.

Gary

Hello Gary,

First off, I think that the concept of the Prince of Coal is an excellent one. Right now, I'm going to forget my notes for a moment and just do a "wing it" feeling on what I think you could do to improve on it in the sense of making it more provocative as "a read".

What I felt was that there was a kind of predictable nature going on within it as if "on cue" little Serena's house was on fire and my heart sank big time. I thought oh my goodness is this going to be some kind of horror? So the tone changed in my head right there.

What I would like to see, in hindsight, after reading it, is to see Thomas being bad FIVE TIMES OVER and thus, the coal changes and forms into a coal mite.

Show this scene first so we can develop a sense of the character of Thomas and also the meaning of these coal mites. Show these creepy little things in action...

Then, draw up the scene of them entering Serena's house present day and chewing through the wires causing a short and thus the fire.

Personally, I'm interested in Thomas as a character as I feel the story is named after him and thus is very important. I feel you spent too much time on the scenes with the trolls and gnomes and elfs. Some of it was really good because you made them like opposing factions, but maybe those aspects could be shortened and replaced by more intimate scenes involving Thomas and why he wants what he wants and he and his plotting with Lump against Santa.

Here

GNARLES (CONT'D)
Santa, remember your magic ceases to
function when the sun comes up.

I don't know. This line kind of struck me as a bit humorous. Why don't you have Santa be a bit playful and his return be like:

Santa
You make me sound like a vampire?
Get myself tucked away before the light
melts me.

Gnarles
That's the wicked witch of the west
in the Wizard of Oz.

**And maybe have Santa pull at a toy-
Twilight doll vampire saying

Santa
"I wonder what would happen if?"

Gnarles
What are you thinking?

Santa
Never mind

**What I'm saying, is it might be a plant and a testament
to Santa's spirit where he's lively and bright and tinkers
with the magic. I think that would be fun in making Santa
shown in a richer kind of light.

**When Serena spies Santa and then dialogues for the first
time with him, I expected to see a real reaction and an
awestruck excitement from her. That spot was flat.

**Mrs. Clause sounded robotic to me here

>MRS. CLAUS
Come on, Santa. Get it out.
And then here,

>MRS. CLAUS
--Let's talk about this when you wake
up, Santa.

When I made that comment, I asked myself why.

I think part of it is that Mrs. Clause shows no reaction whatsoever. To hear this news would cause a great stir in Mrs. Clause's heart, I would think, but first she says, to get it out and then she says to talk about it in the morning. The two statements contradict each other.

*In Serena's dialogue here

The scar has healed.

I think instead:

I've healed. I have a scar.

*I love the elves who were Bruce Li (Bruce Lee) and Chuck Nervous (Chuck Norris)

*Here in Santa's dialogue

>SANTA
Well, to be honest. I need a break
from the little hooligans.

*I don't think it's ringing true and in line with the reason Santa took the nose dive into depression in the first place.

Here

>SERENA
What about the children?

I got a kick out of that line.

Like I said, my general feeling is that the concept of this is really good. I would like to see less fights amongst the factions and more work with Thomas and Santa.

If Santa were more proactive somehow too, I think it would be good. Mrs. Clause I think came off as too uncaring and didn't help Santa at all. She just took off to teach skiing lessons.

My advice is to go to work with Thomas. Maybe make him a doubting Thomas and give him a specific reason for moving to the bad side.

The ending was solid. I like the north/south!  

Sandra

OK, Gary # 3 of the 7WC’s for me.  I’m very, very impressed with this.  Actually kind of amazed that you conceived this, put it together, and got it in this form in 7 weeks.  Very, very good!

I took semi page by page notes, which will follow.  Pretty clean script, actually, and that’s another HUGE plus for me!

I’ve read the other reviews and I’m shocked at the negativity. This works in just about every way, IMO.  Characters are all rock solid.  Action is engrossing.  Scenes are well established.  Story is well thought out and thought through as well.  Attention to detail is top notch.  Also, I really liked Serena. She was cute, cool, and a solid character that will be great onscreen, IMO.  Not sure what’s annoying about her.

It hits on many different levels with me.  I think it offers a wide range of audience what they’re after.  Kids will be engrossed and amused with Santa and his minions, as well as Lump (who is an awesome character, BTW!).  And adults will have lots to enjoy as well, as there is a solid story here with lots of laughs that adults will pick up on.

Only a few issues I’ll bring up…

I think Thomas needs to be intro’d earlier and who he is (and what he wants to do) needs to be clearer.  In the end it all makes sense, but I think it just needs to be brought up earlier so we know as we watch, what’s going down and why.

Same deal with Lump and the coal mites.  I wasn’t too sure what the deal was with them until it was all explained late in the script.  If this was made more clear early on, I think the whole thing works much better.

The Battle – This was the weakest point for me, in terms of writing and the actual confrontation, and that’s too bad, cause it has the ability to be great.  It needs much more detail, IMO.  There are lots and lots of great things you can bring up here. Lots of humor can arise here.  You wrote it mostly with 1 line action lines.  It reads super quick, but that’s because there’s very little detail given.  I’d up it and go deeper. Show little battles taking place between certain characters.  Just give us more.

That’s it.  I really loved it, and you know I don’t say that very often.  Cute, funny, creative, memorable.  Worked on every level.  Hell of an effort in 7 weeks, bud!  Way to go.  You’ve really impressed me.

Happy Holidays!

Page by Page notes

Page 1 – “…while waiting for GNARLES GNEDWARD GNOME, an old gnome to finish his pre-flight checklist.” – awkward…what are we seeing in this sentence?  How old is “old” in terms of gnome years?

“kick” – “kicks”

“Everyone laughs…” – Who is everyone?  We’ve only been introduced to Santa, Gnarles, and the reindeer.

“The ELVES join in.” – I think these Elves need to be intro’d earlier, so we know they’re there.

Page 2 – Not sure the transition to NY makes much sense here.  Is the opening scene in NY as well?  I doubt it, and if not, time has passed and there’s no need to transition this way, IMO.

I like how you’re using real locales!  Adds a great visual for this cool flying sequence.

Not too many houses with yards in NYC!  I’d rethink this…

Page 4 – I’m confused…it seemed like Serena was in the room with Santa, as they were having a conversation.  Then, without any passing time, a fire breaks out (awkwardly worded, I might add), and the smoke seeps into Serena’s bedroom, where she’s in bed.  Did I miss something here?

This whole fire thing isn’t working, based on time.  The fire spreads before Santa even feeds the reindeer, and then it’s full blown and a fire truck is already on the way, as Santa realizes what’s happening.

Page 5 – Missing “a” between “in” and “flash”

“rise” – “rises”

It’s day, but Gnarles says it’s his favorite “night” of the year.

Same thing with Santa…he says “tonight…”, but it was either last night or this morning.

General note – I don’t think you need or want to continue using “New York City” in your Slugs.  One way to get around this (and keep them all 100% consistent) is to only have “New York City” as an EXT. establishing Slug, early on.  Once you’ve done that, we know we’re in NYC.  We know Serena’s house and school are there.  It should help.

General note – this is really good so far.  Clever, funny, even heart warming and sad.  I like what you’re doing here!

Page 12 – “The Chuck…” – something’s wrong here…

“a older female…” – “a” should be “an”

Page 13 – “Several miles from Santa’s cabin.” – This is an aside that we wouldn’t know onscreen.  You either need to show us this fact or skip it altogether.

Page 14 – “Gnarles” – “Gnarles’”  (you need an apostrophe) – twice!

Page 20 – Still really good, Gary!  Really enjoying this and I’m very impressed you put this together in a mere 7 weeks.  Your attention to detail is impressive.  Your character names and characterization is all top notch.  You’ve even got a really solid story taking shape.  All praise up to here!  Great work!

Page 22 – “GNARLES' VISION OF TROLL TROUBLE” “COAL MINE” – I don’t understand these headers.  Are they Slugs?  I don’t get it.

Same with the following mini Slugs.  If time is passing, which it is, I don’t think using mini Slugs makes sense.  I’d go back to full Slugs with times.

“END OF VISION” – OK, I guess I get it now, but I don’t think it’s very clear or works quite like you were intending.

Great Flashback of Thomas and Lump!  I like Lump a lot.  Great imagination, Gary!

Page 38 – No reason for the italics around Gnome.

Page 41 – I don’t understand the SUPER “2 days”.

Page 48 – “A little girl peeks…” – This is Serena, why not just say, “Serena peeks…”?

Page 50 – “the Gnarles” – Why “the”?

Page 53 – “He picks up Gnarles and the chair and tosses them through the window. Turkiah follows.” – Awkwardly phrased.

“SUPER : 1 day” – I still don’t get what this is supposed to mean… is it missing some words?  Like “1 day till Christmas Eve?  It needs some attention for sure.

Page 54 – “dwarfs” – isn’t it “dwarves”?

General note – I haven’t noted exact instances, but I’m pretty sure that a lot of your named characters haven’t had their names mentioned by other characters, meaning in a filmed version, no one would know what their names actually are.  Know what I’m saying?


Page 58 – Funny!  Turkey…HaHa!!  Well done.  This would be good to do more of, sa Turkey is funny and kids would love it!

Page 60 – “The Zach” – What’s with the “The”????

Page 62 – “form” – “from”

The Battle(s) – Personally, I don’t like the constant 1 line action lines being utilized here.  It reads very quickly, but that’s because there’s not much on the page.  This battle will play out so much longer onscreen than it does on paper. I think you need a lot more detail here.

Page 78 – “ma” – “am”

General note – Personally, I don’t like the use of these mini Slugs for the Battle.  I’d use full Slugs with times so we see how things are progressing.  I would imagine this is a lengthy battle.

Page 82 – “…an large, calloused hand.” – “a”

Page 84 – “the Calvin” – What’s with all these “the whoever stuff”?????

Page 85 – you need an apostrophe in “Gnarles eyes”

Quoted from Dreamscale I think Thomas needs to be intro’d earlier and who he is (and what he wants to do) needs to be clearer.  In the end it all makes sense, but I think it just needs to be brought up earlier so we know as we watch, what’s going down and why. Same deal with Lump and the coal mites.  I wasn’t too sure what the deal was with them until it was all explained late in the script.  If this was made more clear early on, I think the whole thing works much better. The Battle – This was the weakest point for me, in terms of writing and the actual confrontation, and that’s too bad, cause it has the ability to be great.  It needs much more detail, IMO.  There are lots and lots of great things you can bring up here. Lots of humor can arise here.  You wrote it mostly with 1 line action lines.  It reads super quick, but that’s because there’s very little detail given.  I’d up it and go deeper. Show little battles taking place between certain characters.  Just give us more. That’s it.  I really loved it, and you know I don’t say that very often.  Cute, funny, creative, memorable.  Worked on every level.  Hell of an effort in 7 weeks, bud!  Way to go.  You’ve really impressed me.

The beauty of several critiques that match up is that the author can weed out comments that ring true for themselves as well in hindsight and work to correct them if possible. And anything's possible, right?!!! Sure it is!!!

Gary, regarding the bringing in of Thomas and the coal mites earlier--

If I'm thinking that and Jeff is thinking it and whoever else, then maybe that's a good plan. I definitely felt that it would be a nice creepy image for the beginning that would juxtapose, (love that word) against the Christmas. It would draw people in immediately.

Also, I want to let you know now that The Battle, was a weak point for me too, but I thought it was just me being a woman and so I didn't mention it and also because I thought that it would look good on screen probably, but not necessarily on page as is usually the case with action. However...

Like Jeff says, maybe you could really add interest to the read and dig deeper here. Perhaps you can turn the usually boring action scene that lands on the page as "boring action on the page" to something more.

You know what? I think I know why it's dry here. Because it's just a war and nothing more. Sorry, I actually never meant to rhyme there.  

The best action scenes are probably built with one important character in danger and they are being protected or there is the element where someone is trying to free someone else. It lends a higher importance.

One thing I will mention that I was thinking about mentioning, but I chose not to, but I will now.

The label of:

The Battle--

Was a turn off for me. Not because it's bad if we're churning it out and we're writing on demand and that's the way it is and so just do it. I agree with it in that case, but--

If we're writing for an enjoyable read, which I know, is a completely different animal, then I think we should lose that kind of thing. It all depends though, I know, but I just wanted to offer that up.

Sandra

Agree with Sandra here 100%.  I also hated the "Slug" "THE BATTLE".  It was weak, and kind of odd even.

Also, as Sandra said, I'm sure, onscreen it would be great, but for the read, it was really weak, and I don't see any reason that would have to be the case. It was by far teh biggest scene in the script, so it should also be one of the better "reads' of the script as well.

Big scenes can be tough to write, but I know you can improve on it HUGELY.

One of the few quips on this excellent script.

Okay, I've read Jeff's comments and feel I need to add why I started to find Serena annoying in the second half of the script. I should have explained this more in my first post but I'll give it a shot now.

To start, I felt so sorry for Serena, during the fire, during school when the kids bully her by calling her "Serena Scar Face", right through to when she met Santa again and asked him why he didn't open her letter. Until this point, she was cute, adorable even, the perfect character for this script. Then she started to get to me.

I recall a few lines, one with Serena standing with her hands on her hips saying something like "It's not my fault Santa's such a sad sap". I didn't like this line, didn't find it funny and didn't think it would be something that this cute six year old kid would say.

Another example would be the conversation about how they knew Santa would be at Serena's house, I think it was Mrs. Claus who mentioned this and Serena replied "Duh!". Again, not the kid who I enjoyed reading about at the start.

The last thing that annoyed me was the amount of questions she asked. I know six year olds tend to be curious and ask a lot of questions but that did play a large factor for me. "What's a coal mite? What does it do? " etc... I know you need to get this information out but Serena's character did suffer slightly having her ask every other question which needed an answer.

I'll make myself clear, for 95% of this, Serena worked perfectly. There were just moments where she was getting on the wrong side of my nerves.

Also, I don't understand Jeff's comment about being "shocked at the negativity" . I don't recall anyone being overly negative. I mentioned at the end of my post that Gary did a great job with it and I was sure others would get a lot of enjoyment out of it, it just isn't the type of story I would go to the cinema to see. I'm sure this could work as a kids animation, it just needs more comedy moments as things are pretty deep, especially early on. It by no means needs a complete rewrite, I don't recall anyone saying that.

I hope that clears things up.

Brian

Brian, here's what I'm talking about negative comments...

There are so many piss poor scripts that receive nothing but praise from literally everyone who reads them...it never ceases to amaze me.  This was an extremely solid script in all regards, and the fact it was put togther in only 7 weeks is just amazing to me.

A few reviews basically started off by saying "it wasn't for them".  There's nothing wrong with that, but based on how well this was written, conceived, and put together, I was shocked that those comments would come out, well so many other peices of crap receive nothing but false praise.

I'm not pointing any fingers at anyone, either.  Guess it's just the way it is.

Sandra,

Thanks for the read and the thoughtful  comments esp. re: the dialogue. I did have one draft where Thomas's prank and intro of Lump was first and I chose to go with Santa opening. I felt the Thomas opening would have made the movie too much about Thomas which... it... was supposed to be. Grrr.

Glad you liked Bruce and Chuck. I kept asking my two kids what they should be named. Finally, my son (14), tall with a bit of teenage slouch, suggested Bruce and Chuck. Eureka!

Mrs. Claus does need a bit more depth or at least clarification of her motives (same thing I think). By having her leave I was trying to show Santa's increasing desperation when he took the deal from Thomas. But having her leave was intended as a tough love intervention. Notice she didn't go to a sunny place to get away from Santa. Whatever, it needs clarity.

The battle scene was wrritten and rewritten and finally, I said "let it be." I will definitely see to this when I do a rewrite.

Thanks again,

Gary

Jeff,

Thanks much for the encouraging remarks.

I thought after Cumbara was well received in the October OWC, I'd try to do a full length animation. I'm happy with the response so far.

The reason for the "the Calvin" and "the Zach" was the characters were previously idenitfied as the reporter and the old dwarf so when I finally gave them a name and used find & replace on my editor -- I thought I had got them all.

Sluglines allways get me in trouble esp when I use short ones. I may just swear them off.

This was my first script done using Movie Outline instead of Celtx. Very nice.

Gary