Funny thing is sometime down the road they'll figure out theres actually money to be made by stories dealing with the whole family.

Then its send in the family orientated script please lol.

Quoted from Hugh Hoyland Funny thing is sometime down the road they'll figure out theres actually money to be made by stories dealing with the whole family. Then its send in the family orientated script please lol.

Hey Hugh,

Thanks for the kind thoughts.
There's a lot of truth in this statement. Timing is so important.
If ZP doesn't gain traction, I should just put it in a drawer.
One day, family movies will get some attention again.
Then I can pitch it as Swiss Family Robinson, with zombies!

Quoted from leitskev Hey, you pitched well, made a good impression. You got through! Now you know the way in. You're on your way, man. Keep pushing.

Hey Kev, no give up here, just hurdles to be jumped. It's all good, thanks.
Just caught me in a funny way, given what I was writing yesterday.
I tend to behave according to the tone of what I'm writing.
I'm back on the horse, taking notes and making pages.

Quoted from Dreamscale Brett...don't fret.  Definitely have a drink...I'm on # 3. You have completely and totally rocked it, bro!  Seriously.  Your first real feature and look where you are already.  Sky's the limit, my friend.  A door closes and a bigger one opens. As I've said from day1, you're gonna make it and we'll all be behind you 100%...maybe 111%, even.

Hey Jeff, no fretting here, just needed to take a breather.
It's very cool they took the time to write me an encouraging note.
I'm not mad or frustrated, honestly, I did this, it was my choice.
I decided to write ZP as a family movie, not just a kid adventure.
I knew it would do what some may call, "limiting it's appeal".
To me, it's a choice that "focuses the appeal" of the story.
It does give me the idea of marketing ZP as Swiss Family Robinson with zombies!

Quoted from Grandma Bear I'm sorry Brett, but that sounds like a standard "no". Pat you on the head while telling you no. Don't give up though. There are other fishes in the pond. You wanna do a pc about it?

Hey Pia, thanks for the note, I realize it's a pass.
But, it's a pass with an encouraging note from the Head of Development.
This is part of making narrative choices, it's part of the game.
I make choices that limit the appeal to some, while hopefully enhancing it for others.
No give up here, just hit me funny yesterday while I was writing sad scenes.
I got it out of my system and I'm back on the horse writing today.
No sad sack pity party podcast from me, rather it be fun and edifying.
Have a great weekend!

Quoted from Hugh Hoyland Hey E.D. While I understand your feeling down, you've done a great job on this script IMO. So my advice is have a few drinks sleep it off then start cracking again! As was said before, one door closes another opens, and its true. :]

It's very true, I haven't decided how I will reply yet.
There's a relationship to cultivate here, just need to be classy about it.
I'm back on the writing horse today.
I should finish the rough draft of the new feature this afternoon.
Then, I'm partying the rest of the weekend.
Hopefully going to see "Bellflower" at the NuArt on Sunday!

Thanks everyone for the thoughts, you all rock!

Regards,
E.D.

I just started reading this script.  It's great.  I've never got a chance to read a children's story-type script before on here.  Keep up the good work!

Quoted from Branzig Rubenburg I just started reading this script.  It's great.  I've never got a chance to read a children's story-type script before on here.  Keep up the good work!

Hello Branzig,

Been seeing you reading around here, thanks for stopping by.
I'm glad you enjoyed what you've read so far.
A new draft with many changes should be posted by the end of the week.
Should you wish to continue, your thoughts would be appreciated.
Are you posting your own scripts as well?

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Hello Branzig, Been seeing you reading around here, thanks for stopping by. I'm glad you enjoyed what you've read so far. A new draft with many changes should be posted by the end of the week. Should you wish to continue, your thoughts would be appreciated. Are you posting your own scripts as well? Regards, E.D.

That's great news.  I'll be sure to check that out!  I have a couple of scripts, but have not posted any online.  I hope to do so within the next month or two.  

When's the latest draft coming? I'm gonna sleep outside for tickets like I did for U2 concerts in college!

Brett,

I’ve listed my comments as I read this below. Often I’m more likely to note negatives than positives.

Title Page – Strong title.

Pg 1 – Just to demonstrate how picky I am... I’d suggest taking out the extra line after “FADE IN:”.

For me you could either take out “Somewhere in” or change it to a stronger tone setting gag.

“It’s a miracle.” – She could say this before we get the reveal of the game console. Also I’m not clear on whether the Grabowski’s have entered the hut or not.

The first page kicks the story off quickly.

Pg 2 – The transition is great and it has the effect of launching things quickly.

“COACH D” – I thought I’d missed his intro, but I see it’s further down.

“Eight hours of awesome in a can.
What does that crap even mean?” – This might be an example of dialogue that could be tightened. If it ended “can?” I think we’d understand what he’s saying.

Pg 3 – I got confused with the “MATCH CUT TO:” on this page. I think it’s because there’s no scene heading so I couldn’t picture where it is.

There’s been good stuff so far but I get the sense that it’s all been a prologue. If that’s the case then you could consider the option of punching it up so that it really hooks us in.

Pg 4 – “average build” – Doesn’t tell me much.

Pg 5 – I’ve noticed in several places that your descriptions might be a little detailed. Also you could consider tightening up the language in a few ways to make the read sharper. Examples from this page:
“growling and snarling.” – If he just “growls” does it make much difference?

“before she exits” – We know what she’s doing and we’ll see where she ends up, so does this add much?

“Gil puts the ring back in his coat.” – How about “puts the ring away.”

“button nose and braids wearing a” – Is her nose going to matter? Could she “wears” instead of “wearing”?

“Mason zombie walks” – As well as thundering?

“Gil enters the hall, wearing pajamas.” – I know they are in “the hall”, and does it matter what he’s wearing?

“Mason halts, he whispers to his trusted lizard pet.” – “Mason halts, whispers to Lord Gorzon.”

I’m being ridiculously picky with all of these, but taken together hopefully it shows what I mean about the read being slowed down.

Pg 10 – “my father is”, “Coach D will” – I got confused into briefly thinking these are the same person.

At this point I get the sense that something is going to happen at the KidPlex and that all these people will play their part. The characters feel varied and they are being introduced in a variety of ways. However I’m starting to get a lingering doubt about the story needing to move along.

Pg 11 – And right on cue it does what I wanted!

Pg 15 – At this point, even though the story has begun elsewhere, the main characters are continuing to live life as per normal. From their point of view nothing has happened that sets this day apart from any other. That might be okay, but it makes it hard to give the story energy.

Pg 20 – “day over--“ – I think “--“ typically denotes an interruption or something that will continue with another “--“ further down. If you want him to tail off “...” is more common.

Pg 22 – “But how?” – Since she saw him kiss her, I’m not sure what she’s asking.

I like the purple ooze thing. It gives this an extra dimension of grossness.

Pg 30 – The action has kicked off now. I’m not sure that I’m attached to any of the characters in particular. Having a large ensemble like this it makes it hard to connect the audience to the people involved.

Pg 31 – I really like Peg and Amy getting contaminated. It makes the kids’ situation much more serious.

Pg 33 – “Yes, I will marry you.” – I was expecting you’d save that for the end. On the same subject I’m guessing that at some point these two are going to have a big falling out with each other, to add conflict.

Pg 36 – Nice action sequence for them getting out.

Pg 37 – “CHURCH INTERIOR POV
Natalie peers down inside and blushes.
RETURN TO SCENE” – I’m not sure you need the camera directions.

Pg 39 – The Fortress feels like a pretty cool location. It’s good that you’re delivering on what you promised with the title.

Pg 43 – You could consider making more of the first child attack that we see. It could be a scene which sets up the special powers of Peg and Amy.

Pg 44 – Similarly, there is an option to have the good kids discover the bad kids in a more developed scene, rather than seeing it in the distance.

Inside the church there seems to be an opportunity for a good chilling moment in having Natalie unsure if she’s doing the right thing and then seeing devil eyes staring at her. You’ve kind of got this already, but as described it’s not punching very hard.

Pg 51 – These scenes of the other kids encountering zombies work well.

Pg 54 – Figgis giving himself up is good stuff. I wonder if there is a way to have him be in the same place as the other two when he does it since that might make the scene more dynamic.

Pg 61 – The playground battle works well.

Pg 70 – “Whatever we do, we do it together.” – Maybe they are being too nice to each other.

I had expected that when the two groups contacted each other they would agree some coordinated high risk plan that would need both sides to defeat their enemies and come together to solve the problem. Maybe that’ll still happen.

“Then meet us at the mini golf cavern.” – On that subject, what happened to Natalie and Garth?

Pg 72 – At this point I see that they are trying to gather stuff for battle, but I’ll admit I’m a bit lost on what they are trying to achieve.

Pg 73 – “operate the Bite production assembly line” – For monster zombies this seems a bit organized.

“Now what?” – At this point in the story I wonder if they should be passed this kind of question. It seems to highlight my impression that they are all a little bit aimless at the moment.

Pg 75 – “Gymnasty Peg blows past the jocks in her kart.” – I’m not a real expert on Zombie movies, but I think I’ve heard it said that Zombies driving really annoys some people. Having said that, I really like the idea of a go-kart chase sequence.

I believe I’m right in saying that so far the good guys have not lost anyone, except perhaps Natalie and Figgis. This might be okay but it kind of makes threats to them seem trivial.

Pg 81 – It’s good pacey finale action at the moment. I’m still not sure what either group is trying to do.

Pg 88 – So everyone returns to normal all by themselves? This seems to mean that all their efforts were a bit pointless. Also it feels little deux et machina. I’d suggest devising a way in which the various characters can knowingly and dynamically save everyone. The kids getting all the zombies tied up and in one place could be one half of the plan, the other half would be the parents getting an antidote and battling to bring it to them. Earlier on I thought that the bearded Dragon was going to play a role in discovering the antidote, i.e. it licks someone and they recover (If the Dragon comes from the Congo then this makes sense.) When the parents are told this they understand how an antidote can be made.

Pg 89 – “Figgis puts himself between the cart and the families.” – Why does this stop the cart?

Pg 92 – I really like the twist ending. I’m not sure you need to have half a page of dialogue to set it up. If someone says “When’s the Tokyo test due to start?” that pretty much covers it.


Overall the story is fun and has a lot of strong action sequences. The characters work pretty well.

I really like the metaphorical aspect of the harm that fizzy drinks and snacks can do to people. It gives the whole thing an extra level of meaning.

This works pretty well as a zombie movie for kids, so it might make sense to back away from the sex and “milf” stuff. That also means that it needs to fall to the kids to save the day.

The technique works quite well. As I described, it could be tightened up a little.

My biggest suggestion on this is to see if you can give them clearer objectives and obstacles through the story and in particular in the finale.

Another thing to consider is if there is a way to create a minor zombie playground/street crisis that can happen the previous day. I say this because it feels like the story takes a while to get going, so having a minor version of the crisis play out early in the story is one way to help with this.

Good luck with it.

Philip

Quoted from pwhitcroft Brett, I’ve listed my comments as I read this below. Often I’m more likely to note negatives than positives. There’s been good stuff so far but I get the sense that it’s all been a prologue. If that’s the case then you could consider the option of punching it up so that it really hooks us in.

Hey Philip,

Thanks for the detailed read.
I have submitted a new draft, it should be posted here soon.
I have made a lot of changes to the opener.
The Grabowskis have been replaced with Figgis and his sister, etc.
Scott has a much stronger introduction now.
I appreciate your insights though, seems you have an eye for detail.

Quoted from pwhitcroft Pg 15 – At this point, even though the story has begun elsewhere, the main characters are continuing to live life as per normal. From their point of view nothing has happened that sets this day apart from any other. That might be okay, but it makes it hard to give the story energy.

In the new draft, I shuffle things up a bunch in the first act.
Including breaking up the long breakfast scene.
I think it's a step towards addressing what you mention here.

Quoted from pwhitcroft Pg 33 – “Yes, I will marry you.” – I was expecting you’d save that for the end. On the same subject I’m guessing that at some point these two are going to have a big falling out with each other, to add conflict.

Funny you should mention that, it's already been changed in the latest draft.
The proposal gets aborted in the lab and the tension carries to the end.
I'll be curious to see what you think of this change.
Assuming you're game to give this another read through.

Quoted from pwhitcroft I believe I’m right in saying that so far the good guys have not lost anyone, except perhaps Natalie and Figgis. This might be okay but it kind of makes threats to them seem trivial.

You zeroed in on another change I've already made.
I upped the stakes in the third act by zombifying one of the kids.
I think it also better motivates our hero to lead the kids.

Quoted from pwhitcroft Pg 88 – So everyone returns to normal all by themselves? This seems to mean that all their efforts were a bit pointless. Also it feels little deux et machina. I’d suggest devising a way in which the various characters can knowingly and dynamically save everyone. The kids getting all the zombies tied up and in one place could be one half of the plan, the other half would be the parents getting an antidote and battling to bring it to them. Earlier on I thought that the bearded Dragon was going to play a role in discovering the antidote, i.e. it licks someone and they recover (If the Dragon comes from the Congo then this makes sense.) When the parents are told this they understand how an antidote can be made.

I've toyed with something like what you're suggesting in outlines, etc.
I like the simplicity of the energy drink's slogan being the solution.
"Eight hours of awesome in a can" The zombie effect wears off, like a sugar rush.
But I'm open to changes should a producer with to pursue the script with me.

You've got a lot of great suggestions here for me to ponder, thanks!
I hope you'll look over the revisions I've already made.
The new draft should be available here soon, I've already submitted it.
If I can return the favor on any of your work, please let me know.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from leitskev When's the latest draft coming? I'm gonna sleep outside for tickets like I did for U2 concerts in college!

LOL! Do I have to give out purple wrist bands then?
I haven't waited out for concert tickets since high school!
I submitted the new draft to Don, I'm sure he'll post when he can.

E.D.

***PITCH UPDATE***

I'll be taking Zombie Playground to Sherwood Oaks pitch event tomorrow.
You can learn more about this nifty institution here:
http://www.sherwoodoakscollege.com/

To prepare for this event, I stepped up my ZP concept art, big time.
I added two new images to my pitching arsenal.
These are to be used in support of the original one sheet.
I've upgraded the corporate logo for FigCorp and added the slogan.



And I'm nailing down the look and feel for the Bite Energy Boost can.



There's a new draft coming with lots of first and third act changes.
I've taken your great suggestions and hopefully put them to good use.

I've also got a new feature out to coverage.
Once I get that in decent shape, I'll post it to the boards.

Thanks, guys! Wish me luck tomorrow!
Hopefully purple is some producer's favorite color!

E.D.

Brett,

good luck at the pitch!

I like the new graphics.....but not as much as the original to be honest.

What's with the bite thing? They're not vampires. IMHO, it gives the wrong impression.

I thought the original 1 page showed the right tone and feel of the script better.

Still, kick ass at the pitch!  

Quoted from Grandma Bear Brett, good luck at the pitch! I like the new graphics.....but not as much as the original to be honest. What's with the bite thing? They're not vampires. IMHO, it gives the wrong impression. I thought the original 1 page showed the right tone and feel of the script better. Still, kick ass at the pitch!

Pia,

Glad you like the graphics.
These new images aren't replacing the original one sheet.
They are just a couple more tools I can use during a pitch, time permitting.
I will always start a pitch with the original poster image at the top of this thread.
The "Bite" is the prototype energy drink that causes the zombie mutation.
FigCorp wants to "cash in" on the vampire craze with the marketing, etc.
The only "biting" going on in this PG zombie flick is consuming energy drinks!

Thanks for the well wishes, I'll take all I can get!
Hope your writing and production work is going well.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Brett

Hope everything's going well with you. Read 30 pgs. My thoughts on them:

Coach D and Figgis relationship. Very odd how she's so domineering in appearance yet she's so sensitive against Figgis. I understand that their brother and sister but Coach D can beat him up. Why can't she just beat him up? I think it would be good to change her phsyical attributes. they remind me of Dexter and Dee Dee from Dexter's laboratory. Dexter finds Dee Dee so dangerous because she would mess things up. Let the same thing happen with Coach D. Why not have Coach D attempt to prove her intelligence to her brother by messing around with the formula?  You already established this when Figgis slaps her hand away from touching the leaf.

Also, I think you should show the formula being made. A trial and error process. A simple montage can do and then someone  like Coach D messes it up.    

predator/prey day. I don't think the title is children friendly. I like the speech that Coach D gives about that day but I can't see parents bringing their children to that type of event.  


Gil and Scott. Their first dialogue could be trimmed. I think there should be certain points where they can be silence.

Hope this helps. Will continue reading,
Gabe

Hey Brett -

So, just finished the read on the re-write.  As I've said before, this one's a gem.  TONS of great lines, jokes and giggle worthy bits.  I'd go into which ones I liked best, but honestly that would take too long.  (MILF was terrific, just as an example.  So was the "overdone" FIG branding of all the products, and the Mini Golf Church, and the Slow Metabolism line, etc, etc.)   Said it before, and will say it again...Nickelodeon should be banging down your door for this one.

Hey, but what's a review without a little criticism?  Not much by any means, but just certain things that stuck out at me.  Take them as you will...

p. 1:  You mention D's Havana shirt two times...surely, once is enough!
         The placement of the logo breaks things up confusingly, for me
         While I feel the new intro works, I actually liked the activity in the original version        
          better.   More dynamic for my tastes.

p. 4:   What is D looking to accomplish by giving the can to Abe?

p. 5:  ""Bearing" logos

p. 14:  Might be, my wife (awk)

p. 21: (or so): When the test group starts to turn, I STILL think that'd be the perfect place for a
          throw away line regarding "That didn't happen with the hamsters!" (or similar)

p. 27:  I feel the rules of the game need more explanation.  As I remember, the earlier version
           laid them out well, very neat and clean...  I'd also like a more definitive start to the
           game...  Just to get the mental clock ticking for the audience.

p. 32: Joan's looks (Joan looks)

p. 35: Re: the ventilation shaft.  Perfect place for Joan to complain - Climb in?  They might still
           be in there!  Gil: Well, there's definitely one in here...

p. 36:  Monroeville?  Huh?

p. 38:  Take out the hip touching.  Too sexy for a PG flick...  

p. 43:  Hey, you already mentioned the boy was obese.  Maybe take one repetition of that
           adjective out.  Otherwise, you be hatin' on metabolically challenged folks....

p. 47:  Gerbil national holiday.  Huh?

p. 55:  Coach D holds a clipboard AND DROOLS.  (Just a thought.  The visual's funny to me...)

p. 74:  Everything?

p. 84:  I really, really want to see Grandma and Grandpa introduced at the beginning.  
           Otherwise, bringing a dialogue speaking character in so late in the game is jarring...  
          Besides, they seem like great characters that you could milk for further jokes...

p. 85: Dammit, use the batting cages, and hit a zombie kid in the head with a softball!  It's
          there for the taking, use it..!   (And not all that comparatively violent.  After all, you did have a go-kart go up
           in flames.)

*** In general, I felt that the playground action went on a "touch" too long.  It may be that on screen, it moves faster - so I could be wrong on that.  But if you replaced a tiny bit of it with a little more heart-to-heart kid bonding, or Gil/Joan dialogue, I wouldn't mind****

p. 88: I actually felt the script lost a little steam, here.  Everything's building up to a crescendo, and then - flatline.  Everyone seems to take the zombie reversion a little too easy.  I know that you briefly touch on the DNA strand and sequence at bit...but I could have really used some more clear cut explanation of why everyone suddenly got better.  And the kids took the reversion too much in stride.  Possibly, you could kill two birds with one stone by having Gil and Joan explain "why" to the kids, who weren't privy to their earlier conversation.

p. 90: Why does Coach D stop?  Just because Figg said so?  She's a zombie at that point: why would she care?  And with a remaining zombie still on the attack, the crowd stops to applaud the wedding proposal?  Maybe juggle the dialogue sequencing around a bit on this one.  And Figg's "I'm such a selfish corporate pig" speech was a bit much.  Though it was cartoony, which fits into the general theme of the film.

p. 93: Maybe use "the second-wave focus group!"  Or Eastern...  Something to deliniate that
           they're not talking about the original set of volunteers...

Despite the deflation I felt at the "everything's returning to normal point", the ending worked great.  Classic "here we go again" scene.  Perfect, colorful and humorous.

So - with the exception of me really wanting to see the denouement punched up several degrees - serious kudos!  Extremely solid script, story, writing...and a nice poster too.

Side Item: Just took a quick look at some of the earlier posts, and the "it's gotta be just the kids" studio comment.  Honestly, a load of hooey - if it makes you feel any better.  The kids DO drive the vast majority of this story, and Gil/Joan hardly take away from that.  I know it's only so helpful to say "their loss, not yours."  But that's true for this one.  Someone will definitely take up the gauntlet on this script - IMHO.  It's just got too much PG appeal and humor to fail, even bringing in the ever-popular zombie theme with a fresh twist.  (BTW..just in case you're worried about me being too positive, please let me reassure you...  I'm very willing to say 'you suck', if I read something of yours that isn't decent.  Though - based on this script - I kinda doubt that'll happen...)

Very interested in reading the new revision. My 5 year-old son would love to see this.

In pre-school (when he was 3) he decided to tell the rest of the kids about zombies and their brain fetish, then rallied them all to stumble around moaning "brainnnns" and fake eating each other's brains.