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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Zombie Playground Moderators: bert
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  Author    Zombie Playground  (currently 24120 views)
Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 3rd, 2011, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Hey Brett

Hope everything's going well with you. Read 30 pgs. My thoughts on them:

Coach D and Figgis relationship. Very odd how she's so domineering in appearance yet she's so sensitive against Figgis. I understand that their brother and sister but Coach D can beat him up. Why can't she just beat him up? I think it would be good to change her phsyical attributes. they remind me of Dexter and Dee Dee from Dexter's laboratory. Dexter finds Dee Dee so dangerous because she would mess things up. Let the same thing happen with Coach D. Why not have Coach D attempt to prove her intelligence to her brother by messing around with the formula?  You already established this when Figgis slaps her hand away from touching the leaf.

Hey Gabe!

Thanks for taking another look at this, it's greatly appreciated!
I like the dynamic you're suggesting, it has merit.
However, I feel it may put too much focus on these supporting characters.
ZP is already very much an ensemble piece, I fear more Figgis could muddle things.
I like that COach D is big, but has a soft gooey center.
And she finds it once again in the end, bringing her full circle.
If this story was more about them, I think your idea would be great!


Quoted from Mr.Ripley

predator/prey day. I don't think the title is children friendly. I like the speech that Coach D gives about that day but I can't see parents bringing their children to that type of event.  

I see your point, but it's Coach D on the day that decides to get serious.
Pred/Prey is common camp game for kids, I played it as a kid even,
She's using the evolution teaching game for her personal vendetta.
If parents knew that, then absolutely, I would agree with you 100%.

Many thanks for all your insights, thanks so much for helping me make this better!
Looking forward to more posts from you.
And always ready to return the gesture in kind with your work.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: September 7th, 2011, 9:41am Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett

Finally got to finish the script.

I still don't get Coach D's motivation on releasing the zombie drink. I understand it's her form of vengeance against Figgis but I don't see how turning people including herself into zombie's a form of vengeance. Did she know what the drinks were going to do? If so, that's more of a reason for her to not drink it. It's not making a strong connection for me. But prob it's just me.

Also i think you did Figgis's transformation from being mean to Coach D to being sympathetic and understanding way to quickly. There needs to be a bit more interaction between the two so they can resolve their issues.

There's a scene where Radish, Hanna, and Mason meet up with the other kids, and Mason describes how Hanna was cool. I think that should be split btw Radish and Mason. You can have Radish start and then Mason cuts in and finishes the praise.

Other than that, I enjoyed it. After reading it, the material left me heartwarming. lol. (I'm a sensitive guy ok). I suggest you give this another proofread for grammatical errors just in case.

Hope this helps,
Gabe
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 8th, 2011, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from capper
Very interested in reading the new revision. My 5 year-old son would love to see this.

In pre-school (when he was 3) he decided to tell the rest of the kids about zombies and their brain fetish, then rallied them all to stumble around moaning "brainnnns" and fake eating each other's brains.


LOL! It's wild how much zombies have become popular culture.
The very latest version, very minor tweaks, should be up any day.
Kevin and Janet gave some great tips I wanted to include.
A review from a parent of the target audience would be greatly appreciated!
I'd also want to know whether, as a parent, you could sit through it more than once!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 8th, 2011, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from wonkavite
Hey Brett -

So, just finished the read on the re-write.  As I've said before, this one's a gem.  TONS of great lines, jokes and giggle worthy bits.  I'd go into which ones I liked best, but honestly that would take too long.  (MILF was terrific, just as an example.  So was the "overdone" FIG branding of all the products, and the Mini Golf Church, and the Slow Metabolism line, etc, etc.)   Said it before, and will say it again...Nickelodeon should be banging down your door for this one.

Hey Janet!

Thanks a truck load for revisiting this.
It's great to know I can trust members to go through my stuff again.
ZP was not an ideal first original feature.
Ensemble narrative structure and genre bending do not a simple script make.
Whenever I get down on myself for this one, I can look at these words and smile.
I'll keep wrestling with it in between other projects until I get it sharp in focus.
But that process is much easier knowing folks out there dig the material.

Quoted from wonkavite

Hey, but what's a review without a little criticism?  Not much by any means, but just certain things that stuck out at me.  Take them as you will...

Many of these corrections are in the new, new draft I sent to Don over the weekend.
I'll address the ones here that I will get to when my schedule permits.

Quoted from wonkavite

p. 4:   What is D looking to accomplish by giving the can to Abe?

She uses the can to block the kiss. I changed to wording to clarify that.
Coach D is kinda using poor old janitor Abe for some insider leverage.
But she doesn't want to outright reject the poor guy, hence the can.

Quoted from wonkavite

p. 21: (or so): When the test group starts to turn, I STILL think that'd be the perfect place for a
          throw away line regarding "That didn't happen with the hamsters!" (or similar)

You make a pretty strong case here, I'll have to think of something for the next pass.
Maybe stick with the gerbil theme, or something.

Quoted from wonkavite

p. 27:  I feel the rules of the game need more explanation.  As I remember, the earlier version laid them out well, very neat and clean...  I'd also like a more definitive start to the game...  Just to get the mental clock ticking for the audience.

Hmm, I'll have to review an earlier draft to see what I cut. Thanks.

Quoted from wonkavite

p. 35: Re: the ventilation shaft.  Perfect place for Joan to complain - Climb in?  They might still be in there!  Gil: Well, there's definitely one in here...

Now that's theft worthy, as written!

Quoted from wonkavite

p. 36:  Monroeville?  Huh?

Joan is referring to the old lady that mentioned the defib unit earlier.
OR, are you referring to the "special meaning" of the name.
The crusty broad's name is also an Easter egg for intrepid movie fans.
Actually, ZP is loaded with Easter eggs of movies that inspired it.

Quoted from wonkavite

p. 43:  Hey, you already mentioned the boy was obese.  Maybe take one repetition of that adjective out.  Otherwise, you be hatin' on metabolically challenged folks....

Done. Fixed. Just now.

Quoted from wonkavite

p. 47:  Gerbil national holiday.  Huh?

It's a reference to species chosen for our hero kids by the Gymnasties.

Quoted from wonkavite

p. 74:  Everything?

Whoops. Busted. Fixed.

Quoted from wonkavite

p. 84:  I really, really want to see Grandma and Grandpa introduced at the beginning.  
           Otherwise, bringing a dialogue speaking character in so late in the game is    
          jarring...Besides, they seem like great characters

Love for the Takeshiro grandparents! Yay!
Hmmm, so tight for space in this one, already.
But, I MIGHT be able to give them a line or two when Ox and Kim are introduced.

Quoted from wonkavite

p. 85: Dammit, use the batting cages, and hit a zombie kid in the head with a softball!  It's there for the taking, use it..!   (And not all that comparatively violent.  After all, you did have a go-kart go up in flames.)

I thought about it, but decided against it, here's why.
The kids do something similar in the hamster cage in a much more creative way.
The batting cage retread of that this late in the script felt repetitive to me.
However, if I get this note a lot, you bet I'll change it! Thanks.

Quoted from wonkavite

*** In general, I felt that the playground action went on a "touch" too long.  It may be that on screen, it moves faster - so I could be wrong on that.  But if you replaced a tiny bit of it with a little more heart-to-heart kid bonding, or Gil/Joan dialogue, I wouldn't mind****

I see your point, but also came to the same conclusion.
My action scenes are detailed, but it's mostly about capturing tone for me.
If this were to be fortunate enough to be made, I'm sure they'd change stuff.
But hopefully do their best to capture the vibe I set forth on the page.
The action scenes are so busy, I'm pretty sure they'll fly by faster on the screen.

Quoted from wonkavite

p. 88: I actually felt the script lost a little steam, here.  Everything's building up to a crescendo, and then - flatline.  Everyone seems to take the zombie reversion a little too easy.  I know that you briefly touch on the DNA strand and sequence at bit...but I could have really used some more clear cut explanation of why everyone suddenly got better.  And the kids took the reversion too much in stride.  Possibly, you could kill two birds with one stone by having Gil and Joan explain "why" to the kids, who weren't privy to their earlier conversation.

It could be a little more, I just haven't hit upon that great line that sums things up.
But when I do, it'll go in there to button up things better.
I didn't have the kids or parents explain anything for a very specific reason.
I feel a big part of the magic of the reunion is that they don't do the obvious.
They're just so happy to be together, as a family, explanations can wait.
Personally, I love the fact that the kids go back to acting like kids at the end.
They are now a functioning family, talking about zombies can wait.
It's a little sentimental, but for me, it works so well for filial themes.
I also like that only the audience knows what everyone went through to get there.
It's making the audience a member of a secret club.
If the characters knew everything the audience did, it would ruin the magic, IMO.

Quoted from wonkavite

p. 90: Why does Coach D stop?  Just because Figg said so?  She's a zombie at that point: why would she care?  And with a remaining zombie still on the attack, the crowd stops to applaud the wedding proposal?  Maybe juggle the dialogue sequencing around a bit on this one.  And Figg's "I'm such a selfish corporate pig" speech was a bit much.  Though it was cartoony, which fits into the general theme of the film.

Cartoony and abrupt, agreed, I was running out of time.
Coach D's time was a little longer because she's got a slow metabolism.
Being a big girl and all, took her extra time to recover.
Just in time to accept her brother's over the top PR apology.

Quoted from wonkavite

Side Item: Just took a quick look at some of the earlier posts, and the "it's gotta be just the kids" studio comment.  Honestly, a load of hooey - if it makes you feel any better.  The kids DO drive the vast majority of this story, and Gil/Joan hardly take away from that.  I know it's only so helpful to say "their loss, not yours."  But that's true for this one.  Someone will definitely take up the gauntlet on this script - IMHO.  It's just got too much PG appeal and humor to fail, even bringing in the ever-popular zombie theme with a fresh twist.  (BTW..just in case you're worried about me being too positive, please let me reassure you...  I'm very willing to say 'you suck', if I read something of yours that isn't decent.  Though - based on this script - I kinda doubt that'll happen...)

Thanks a ton, Janet!
Whenever I get down on myself for this script, I'll revisit your words.
I truly do love this script and still get misty eyed when I read the end.

It's stuff like this and words of encouragement I get from mothers, that really help.
Saying how it's fun but also delivers a good message about family values.
Every mom I've talked to about it, says there's just not enough of that in movies.
My barber's wife keeps after me to get it made so she can show it to her kids.

***REVISION SPOILERS ALERT***
Janet, I was interested to know your thoughts on the big changes.
Figgis and Coach D now open the story, etc.
What did you think about Scott's letter to his absent mom?
Did it help set him up as our hero and express his plight?
Whole lotta scene shifting in the first act this go around, to break up breakfast.
Did you like aborting the proposal in the lab, waiting until the end.
Did you feel that zombifying Stephanie helped up the stakes?
Does it help galvanize Scott as our hero, now that his sister is gone?

If you have any thoughts on these changes, please share!

Thanks again for your continued support and insights.
You've been quite a bright spot on SS this year, now get back to writing!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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leitskev
Posted: September 9th, 2011, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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Still working on the latest draft, Brett. You have my notes for first half; the rest will come this weekend.

I wanted to mention something. I don't get the complaint that the studios want "kids only" scripts. What do they want, Lord of the Flies? First of all, this story is mostly kids. What is it, 70/30 kids/adults?

Second of all, it seems to me the studio should be evaluating the overall concept and the writer. If they like both, then they can tweak the story in the direction they want. 70/30 can easily become 80/20, or whatever.

This is where I wonder about the wisdom of extensive rewrites. It's probably impossible to tell which concepts will grab the studio. I bet if one is really good at creating marketable concepts, like someone that's a real veteran of the industry, he's still only going to hit on something that happens to appeal to a studio only a very small percentage of the time. And, even for a veteran, it's probably really hard to know what will in fact find an audience with a producer.

My point is this: would you rather have one script and tweak it over and over for a year; or would you rather, in that year, produce 4 or 5 solid scripts. If you start getting nibbles on one, keep working that script.

This is not in any way at all a criticism, Brett. We're all new writers, so we should be trying to perfect our early scripts. I'm just pondering what's the best long term approach. And we know you have other projects in the works too!
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wonkavite
Posted: September 9th, 2011, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Kev:  

For me, I'll rewrite until something in my gut says "ok, I like this."  Then - if a good suggestion for a tweak comes along - I'll run with that and make the changes.   Can't speak for other writers, but for me the feeling of "this script is done" is unmistakable, and a sign that it's time to move on.  (Until those suggested changes suddenly appear and hit a chord, anyway.)  

Brett: Thx for the kind words - you've got a great script here (and an extremely cool poster).  My pleasure to help out..  BTW - as for getting back to writing...finishing up research for my fourth script in the works this weekend.  Course, now I find out there's an OWC about to pop?

Re: the questions on the new material...easy "yeses" first.  

Enjoyed Scott's letter to his mom.  Gave the audience a chance to bond with Scott, provide some family dynamics/backstory without being exposition heavy.  

Aborting the proposal was the right choice.  Adds suspense, and a continuing theme.  Which is good, because there's got to be a *little* something going on that ain't about the zombies.

Zombifying Steph also worked.  You need to have one of the good guys "fall in battle", in order to up the stakes.  And yes, that successfully forces Scott to stand on his own and be the hero.  (Glad to see a little more Lord Gorzon, too - my Sudan Plated Lizard approves.)

Regarding the opening scene.  Honestly, I'd prefer a combination of the new and the original.  Pluses to the new version: puts Figg and D front and center.  Also provides more intro into FiggCorp, which the original scene mostly lacked.  BUT - I felt that the earlier version was much, much more dynamic (as I remember, it had more chanting and tribal rituals and mystery?)  If you could synthesize the best of those two scenes, you'll nail it.  IMHO.

So - those are my only two primary gripes.  Adding more "oomph and mystery" to the opening scene...  And keeping that momentum going for the final showdown, between Figg and Zombie-D!
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leitskev
Posted: September 9th, 2011, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Janet.

Zombie Playground has become our Discussion Playground!

I think you are like me. I really love starting a new project. It's not even that I get sick of working on a project, but more that I just can't wait to start the next. I have several things in my head at any one time, and I get itchy to start one.

I can rationalize it though, too. I think if you take some time off from a script, especially by doing another script, when you go back to the script you can see it with better perspective. Sometimes you can come up with solutions to problems that you couldn't see before.

My view on ZP is that while I'm sure Brett will tweak it from time to time, I'm glad he has other scripts in the works. At this point, future changes to ZP will hopefully be ones requested by the producer! It's a solid effort, and now it's just a matter of hopefully someone thinking the concept is something they want to do. When someone does, they know they have a competent writer and promoter who will work with them on the project.
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Ryan1
Posted: September 11th, 2011, 2:39am Report to Moderator
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Okay, notes on the new version:

Much better opening.  We get to meet Fig and Coach right away.  I'd suggest having Fig take a small taste of the purple brew with his finger, which is how he knows it needs more sugar.

After Abe says "Eight hours of awesome in a can," it seems like he should have transformed quicker.  That scene leaves the impression that Bite puts you to sleep, then zombifies you.  

Good use of VO to intro the Brewster/Horton clan and to show Scott as your hero, especially where he says how its the worst week of his life.  Seems you should more clearly establish the rift between the Horton and Brewster kids.  Scott should voice his displeasure more to Stephanie about the living arrangements  

I'd still recommend ditching the whole "I'll show you some pork products," "Mother was upstairs making bacon" thing.  Just feels wrong for a family show.  You don't want to turn off a reader for Nickelodeon this early into the script.

On page 10 it reads as if Scott is in the Takeshiro house.  You should indicate a VO or an intercut if that's what you intended.  Also the "Coach D and the Gymnasties rule the playground" line didn't sound right coming from Scott.  From the opening, he seemed like he had too much attitude to utter something like that.

Predator/Prey games sounds like a really odd idea for a kid's day.  But, this is such a strange community I actually buy it.

I think you have to get out of the house sooner.  You spend 11 pages there.

Ditch the MILF stuff on 18.  Gotta remember your target audience here.

What's the deal with the satellite beam that envelops FigCorp and KidPlex?  Do we actually see this?

On page 25, if the gymnasties are tween gymnasts, would they really be able to lift Oz and Kim off their feet?  How big are these chicks?  I always thought gymnast girls were like elfin tiny.

Good line with Coach D telling the chipmunk kid what compost means.

So, Coach D and the gymnasties become zombies much sooner, which is a good thing.  Seemed like it took Coach a little too long to transform though.  

On page 43, shouldn't it be Radish who says "Monster jocks everywhere."

Noticed you call the characters Oz and Kim through the entire script, but their character slugs are Ozuru and Kimiko.  I'd just stick with Oz and Kim for clarity.

I still don't really understand the five o' clock pattern mutation and what that refers to.

It's good that Stephanie gets zombied on page 70, but having another kid get splattered before that would help to sustain the tension and element of danger during the second act.  I'd say Kim or Radish or both of them could go purple.

I'm not really buying the whole zombies operating the bottling plant scene.  They've gone from drooling idiots to cheap labor.

Typo on 82 "an demented clown head"

p 86 I'd change rugby huddle to scrum.

I liked the final image of Bite Boy puking on the screen.

Overall, it was a good overhaul.  I'd still like to see either the kids or Gil and Joan come up with a more complex solution to the problem.  Maybe they can concoct an antidote or something and the kids think of a way to get it to the zombies.

I still don't really understand that scene with Coach D giving the can of Bite to Abe.  Does she know its spiked?  If so, why would she drink it herself?

To me the script is definitely more cute than funny, and would appeal to the young kid demographic.  It's a strong concept and I think this version was a step in the right direction.

Good luck with it!











































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James McClung
Posted: September 11th, 2011, 10:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett. Took another look at this. I honestly can't say it read that much differently from the first time around. I really couldn't tell you which scenes were shifted around.

I will say that keeping track of characters was a little easier this time around. You seem to have made an attempt to promote Scott as the main character. I think it was a good effort. Introducing him with his letter to his mother made me pay more attention to him and rounded him out a bit as well. I was able to keep track of the other characters by their relationship to Scott. I didn't feel like I was lost amongst characters I didn't know.

That said, I still don't think he held his own as a main character. This still felt very much like an ensemble story. I think Scott was slightly more developed than the others but the story's attention seemed more or less evenly distributed amongst characters. I think you're on the right track though.

Not sure what else to say, really. These are the things that stood out to me. Overall, an improvement. Still not quite my kind of story but I do think it's got a niche.


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 14th, 2011, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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Hey Guys!

Thanks for the reads, some really great stuff in your notes!
I uploaded a tweaked new draft with lots of your suggestions in there.
It should be posted soonish. Right now, I'm prepping for two events.
So, I'll address the notes individually after the big Expo & Sherwood Oaks.

Per Babz's suggestion, I submitted ZP for Screenplay Readers new promotion.
You can submit the first ten pages of your feature for a free critique!
It's a great way to see if your opener is on the right track.

Check it out for yourselves!
http://screenplayreaders.com/first-ten-pages/

Here's the review I got on Zombie Playground:
http://screenplayreaders.com/f.....yground-by-b-martin/

E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 1st, 2011, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from wonkavite
Hey Brett -

p. 4:   What is D looking to accomplish by giving the can to Abe?


Hey Janet,

I quietly posted the latest draft of ZP a few weeks ago.
Your last round of notes made a big impact on this draft.
I added a beat here to show the can as a "kiss blocker".

Quoted from wonkavite

p. 21: (or so): When the test group starts to turn, I STILL think that'd be the perfect place for a
          throw away line regarding "That didn't happen with the hamsters!" (or similar)

I did give you a nod for the great advice and added a piece here.
Gives a touch more spice to the tense couple dynamic. Thanks!

Quoted from wonkavite

p. 35: Re: the ventilation shaft.  Perfect place for Joan to complain - Climb in?  They might still
           be in there!  Gil: Well, there's definitely one in here...

Another example of adding some couple spice, great comment!

Quoted from wonkavite

p. 36:  Monroeville?  Huh?

Mrs. Monroeville, this beat was a fragment left from an old draft.
However, her name is one of many easter eggs throughout the script.
Monroeville is the name of the mall where Romero shot "Dawn of the Dead".

Quoted from wonkavite

p. 55:  Coach D holds a clipboard AND DROOLS.  (Just a thought.  The visual's funny to me...)

Well, you earned a drool bit for all the nifty suggestions. Done!

Just wanted to point out these little beats you gave me.
Fine tuning like this helps me stumble onto some "trailer moments".
They earned a place in the script, your comments have been uber helpful.

Regards,
E.D.

P.S. Ryan, I woe you a very belated reply!


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 2nd, 2011, 10:24am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from James McClung
Hey Brett.

I will say that keeping track of characters was a little easier this time around. You seem to have made an attempt to promote Scott as the main character. I think it was a good effort. Introducing him with his letter to his mother made me pay more attention to him and rounded him out a bit as well. I was able to keep track of the other characters by their relationship to Scott. I didn't feel like I was lost amongst characters I didn't know.

That said, I still don't think he held his own as a main character. This still felt very much like an ensemble story. I think Scott was slightly more developed than the others but the story's attention seemed more or less evenly distributed amongst characters. I think you're on the right track though.


James,

You bring up a great point I hadn't really considered.
By setting up Scott the way I did, it helps orient the reader to other characters.
You kept track of all the kids by how they are connected to Scott.
It's so obvious now, but until someone says it, I never embraced it. Thanks!

Yes, ZP is an ensemble piece through and through.
But I still needed a hero, and it took several drafts to bring him out.
I had to be careful to not tamper with the ensemble dynamic while doing it.
Great observation! I'll file that "rule" away in the "ensemble rolodex".

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 2nd, 2011, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ryan1
Okay, notes on the new version:

Much better opening.  We get to meet Fig and Coach right away.  I'd suggest having Fig take a small taste of the purple brew with his finger, which is how he knows it needs more sugar.


Hey Ryan,

Thanks for the read. Your insights are always appreciated.
Good point right out of the gate.
This beat has been added to the draft now posted on SS. Thanks!

Quoted from Ryan1

After Abe says "Eight hours of awesome in a can," it seems like he should have transformed quicker.  That scene leaves the impression that Bite puts you to sleep, then zombifies you.

Point taken. Fixed in the new draft.

Quoted from Ryan1

Good use of VO to intro the Brewster/Horton clan and to show Scott as your hero, especially where he says how its the worst week of his life.  Seems you should more clearly establish the rift between the Horton and Brewster kids.  Scott should voice his displeasure more to Stephanie about the living arrangements

Once I came up with Scott's letter to his mom, I knew I was onto something.
I got really lucky with that, it hit me in bed one morning.
I grabbed my iPhone and started typing notes post haste.
Then wrote the scene later that day. It really helped shepherd the story.

Good point about the Horton kids versus the Brewsters.
In the new draft, the Horton kids want to bail on the KidPlex, the Brewsters are excited.
This adds some spice to the breakfast scene. Thanks.

Quoted from Ryan1

I'd still recommend ditching the whole "I'll show you some pork products," "Mother was upstairs making bacon" thing.  Just feels wrong for a family show.  You don't want to turn off a reader for Nickelodeon this early into the script.

I see what you're saying, but it's not a "deal breaker" situation.
No one's going to PASS on the script because of that.
I've gotten positive feedback on the innuendo, little something for the adults.
If a deal is struck and they want it gone, then of course, it goes.

Quoted from Ryan1

On page 10 it reads as if Scott is in the Takeshiro house.  You should indicate a VO or an intercut if that's what you intended.  Also the "Coach D and the Gymnasties rule the playground" line didn't sound right coming from Scott.  From the opening, he seemed like he had too much attitude to utter something like that.

Ahh, I see that format snafu. Now fixed in the new draft.

Quoted from Ryan1

Ditch the MILF stuff on 18.  Gotta remember your target audience here.

I thought you were on board with paying that off sooner.
I agreed that letting it linger was a bad call.
But now, there's that immediate punchline which isn't vulgar at all.
This one falls into the same category as "pork products".
I'm open to those changes, if there's  deal to be struck.

Quoted from Ryan1

What's the deal with the satellite beam that envelops FigCorp and KidPlex?  Do we actually see this?

Changed it to a translucent beam. That should do the trick.

Quoted from Ryan1

On page 25, if the gymnasties are tween gymnasts, would they really be able to lift Oz and Kim off their feet?  How big are these chicks?  I always thought gymnast girls were like elfin tiny.

Yikes, good point. Now fixed.

Quoted from Ryan1

On page 43, shouldn't it be Radish who says "Monster jocks everywhere."

D'oh! Fixed. I switched something there earlier, forgot that part. Thanks.

Quoted from Ryan1

Noticed you call the characters Oz and Kim through the entire script, but their character slugs are Ozuru and Kimiko.  I'd just stick with Oz and Kim for clarity.

I have no idea why I do this, maybe cuz the grandparents use the full names.

Quoted from Ryan1

I still don't really understand the five o' clock pattern mutation and what that refers to.

It's when the energy drink "zombie buzz" expires.
Gil and Joan are not that kind of research scientist.
They only know something big will happen with the effect at that time.

Quoted from Ryan1

It's good that Stephanie gets zombied on page 70, but having another kid get splattered before that would help to sustain the tension and element of danger during the second act.  I'd say Kim or Radish or both of them could go purple.

You were one of the advocates for turning a main kid purple.
And I agree, that it totally elevates the script in the third act.
However, I have to draw a line in the sand on this subject matter.
ZP is a rated PG film, so long as I have control over the script.

Consider the films that inspired ZP...
Goonies. Cloak & Dagger. WarGames. Explorers. Sandlot. Monster Squad.
They don't kill off a single kid. Even the PG-13 one in that list.
Taking out more after all the ancillary kids are turned is too much, IMO.
It doesn't make the threat more real because a kid that got more lines is turned.
There are DOZENS of kids turned in the second act.

The loss of Stephanie brings so much intensity and drive to Scott.
It elevates the entire script, and you were part of that choice.
But I don't see anything close to that kind of benefits with adding another death.
Keep in mind, the adults lose Figgis too. He sacrifices for the parents.
I think there's plenty of supporting character sacrifice as it stands.

Quoted from Ryan1

I'm not really buying the whole zombies operating the bottling plant scene.  They've gone from drooling idiots to cheap labor.

Drooling idiots + cheap labor = a touch of self indulgent satire.
Do I need it? Nope. Do I like it and the subversive consumerism humor? Oh, yeah.
Though perhaps a beat of Figgis directing them would help.
Besides, it's all an excuse to have zombies in hair nets!

Quoted from Ryan1

Typo on 82 "an demented clown head"

Blargh! Fixed.

Quoted from Ryan1

p 86 I'd change rugby huddle to scrum.

That works. Changed. Gracias.

Quoted from Ryan1

Overall, it was a good overhaul.  I'd still like to see either the kids or Gil and Joan come up with a more complex solution to the problem.  Maybe they can concoct an antidote or something and the kids think of a way to get it to the zombies.

I could see that happening, but how to do hasn't hit me yet.
It hasn't been a sticking point so far in pitches.
Spinning it as an "energy drink buzz" has gotten good responses so far.
But if that sentiment changes, I'll get all over that.

Quoted from Ryan1

I still don't really understand that scene with Coach D giving the can of Bite to Abe.  Does she know its spiked?  If so, why would she drink it herself?

She uses the can to block Abe's kiss. I cleaned up the description there.
Coach D has no idea of the Bite's ill effects.

Quoted from Ryan1

To me the script is definitely more cute than funny, and would appeal to the young kid demographic.  It's a strong concept and I think this version was a step in the right direction.

Good luck with it!

Thanks for all the detailed comments, super helpful!
All that's now reflected in the current draft here on SS.

I think taking the rest of the year away from the script will help.
I don't plan to mess with it unless someone gives a good reason to tinker.
Or, if someone wants to pursue an option, then I'll dive right back in!

Regards,
E.D.



LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 8th, 2011, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Good news, brett. Congrats. Hope everything goes well. How's Zombie Playground going?


Hey Gabe,

Thanks for the vote of confidence!
I'm negotiating with a production company for an option on Zombie Playground.
They are a feature film production house and they also produce video games.

ZP was written with a social network gaming slant always in mind.
And my partner works for the number one social networking company in the world.
That got them even more interested in Zombie Playground as a transmedia property.

And, they have a feature film script aimed at kinds they want me to look at.
Put that all together and there's lots of reasons why we should do business together.

It's all about creating that attraction package they can't resist!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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JoshuaBman
Posted: December 9th, 2011, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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Let's Smoke Crack and Build Everything!

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That poster kicks ass! When I get some time after finals I am totally going to check this script out!
Cheers,
Josh B.


Here are some of my scripts, check them out if you dare.

Damn You Bruce!  

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/DAMNYOUBRUCEnnn.pdf

15 page version with fixed formatting available upon request.

3 Nazi's in a Foxhole

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/3NazisinaFoxhole.pdf

Shopping at Save Mart

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/ShoppingatSaveMart.p
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