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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Zombie Playground Moderators: bert
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  Author    Zombie Playground  (currently 24098 views)
Electric Dreamer
Posted: June 1st, 2011, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Andrew
Brett,

How long do I have to get this read before you pitch it?


Actual Pitch Day at the convention is Sunday.
Any thoughts/insights/typos caught before then would be great, thanks!

Regards,
E.D.



LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: June 1st, 2011, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Hugh Hoyland
Hi E.D.

I just cracked this open. Now I havent got to deep so I dont have any direct comments yet. But they will come.

Now a question or two, when do you plan on pitching this? I want to get to this asap but have another feature I promised to read first. Is this coming pretty fast or do I have a little room as far as time goes?

If not I guess I'll be reading two features at the same time. Which wouldnt be to bad I suppose.

Either way so far so good as far as what Ive got to.


Hey there Hugh!

Thanks for cracking this open, I appreciate your consideration.
Actual pitch day at the con is Sunday. Friday and Saturday are class and socializing.
Any insights you'd like to share by Saturday night, I should receive.
Unless, I'm schmoozing my way into a cocktail napkin deal at the hotel.

Regards,
E.D.



LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: June 1st, 2011, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev

I think an antagonistic kid is equally important. We need a kid that the audience identifies as the bad kid, or bully kid, or at least obnoxious. The kid everyone wants to see defeated. And this kid needs to be introduced early somehow. In fact, I believe it is standard form to have your antagonist introduced early. There really isn't an antagonist here, and to the extent there is(Figgins, Coach D), they are introduced late and seldom seen.


I do agree with this, in spirit.
However, I've been treading lightly due to the ensemble nature of the piece.
The Gymnasties rough up Oz and Kim and smack Scott around.
I do believe there's room for enhancement with the antags.
It's something I'll revisit the next time out of the box. Thanks!

E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 1st, 2011, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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Brett,

I see people are giving you a lot of input. Great! Mine will be short as I read this in places where I was unable to take proper notes.

First of all I want to say that I'm very impressed with this being just your second feature and how you managed to string this story together. It's solid. Something I've never managed to do with a feature yet...maybe due to me also posting first drafts!  

Anyway, great writing and format. All I spotted was some missing words on pages 33 and 39 I think.

So, in short, you did a GREAT job over all. The rest will be me complaining about some of the things that needs attention or tweaking IMHO.

First off, who is this intended for? As a parent of three, I have sat through countless of "family" films. Horrible ones as well as great ones. IMO, it's very hard to write something that will work for pretty much everyone. Writing something that is not offensive to anyone is not equal to writing something everyone will like. Disney and Pixar for example make great films that almost everyone will like. I read ToyStory 3 a while back and I thought it was a fantastic read. You may want to read it if you haven't already. To me, your biggest issue here is who this will appeal to. Maybe I'm wrong and Cathy (C M Hall) is right, I don't know, but I can only comment on something from the way I see it. And to me it seemed like you tried too hard to cram stuff in there to appeal to everybody, but it becomes too busy and doesn't quite work. There are way too many characters in this piece. Even for an ensemble cast. I can't say I connected with anyone. I probably thought Mason was the cutest and most charming, but other than that no one else stood out with their personality. They were just names on the pages. It's almost like you tried to cover every single age group in this cast. Which brings me to the target audience again. Who is this for? IMHO, it is not clever or witty enough to keep an adult interested. At least not me. Again, study some of the big studios and how they manage to keep the adults entertained at a higher level that goes over the kids heads. Lots of those films have a lot of innuendo and can be very suggestive, but don't sink to the level of having a mother say she and her boyfriend are heading into the bedroom to make bacon. Cringe!! Is what I did when I read that. It doesn't fit this story. Find better more intelligent less blunt ways to entertain the older crowed. Kids do not think it's funny when their parents joke about having sex.  I also didn't think this would keep teenagers (14 and up) interested. IMO, the very young crowd is probably who this would work best for. It reminded me quite a bit of that Nickelodeon show that had a lot of green slime in it. I forgot the name. But that's about how this looked to me.

Second problem I had here was the lack of a real feel of tension and suspense. I felt that there really wasn't that much at risk. I'm not sure little kids are even gonna feel it. What's the worst that will happen? Not enough at stake here. I would have liked to see someone from the protag side being in real jeopardy. Something. Being vomited on and possibly turning into a vomiting being themself is bad, but not bad enough.

I also didn't like that someone said Joan's other boyfriend did this or that. She's moving into a house with this new boyfriend and both have a bunch of kids. You made it sound like Joan is trying out new boyfriends all the time. At least in the kid's eyes. That along with the bacon and even MILF part doesn't fit this script.

Where are the other parents? The kid's other parents? That was a big gaping hole. It stood out by not even being mentioned.

Your writing was great, but you seriously need to check how often you use "as".

That's all I have for now. I will look this over later "as" I'm in a hurry right now.

Any q's, just fire away.

Good Luck at the pitch and I hope this can be of any help to you.

Pia  


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leitskev
Posted: June 1st, 2011, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett

Thanks for your reply. I want to touch on the emotional moment(s) I was looking for because I may have explained that poorly.

When I became a bar owner, I had to learn how to become a DJ. No, I didn't spin records or sit there with headphones. I played MP3s. But I paid very close attention to what worked and what didn't. I learned how to build the energy of a crowd, by steps, to a feverish pitch. The formula was fairly simple, and yet it seemed to be uniquely our own. Humor me and let me explain it, then I will relate the relevance.

I would have a full house just starting to loosen up with some current hits played at modest volume. Then I would do a 180 on them, switch gears. I'd all of a sudden play something less clubby, more class rockish, something everyone knew the words to. Like Ac/DC shook me all night long. As the energy built to its peak about half way through that song, I'd fade out early and into a current dance hit. Loud. You could feel the energy jump. I'd play a few songs like that, then repeat the process. Maybe I'd play something really out of place, like Piano Man. Followed by the highest energy dance hit of the time.

I could build crowd energy to where it was basically a frenzy. Well behaved, but a frenzy. The idea is to kind of create an emotional roller coaster. Playing the rock ballad favorite served to really accentuate the energy of the dance hit.

When I am talking about adding emotional moments for your script, I am not suggesting making this sappy, or a tear fest. Think of a suspense thriller that keeps you on the edge of your seat. When comedy lines or moments are inserted, they really stand out because of the tension, and are funnier than they normally would be. But they do more than that. When the audience laughs, it releases tension that's been building. But what this does is it allows the next build up to reach a higher plateau. I don't know why, but it does, just as it does with the music formula. So by steps you lead your audience to a higher experience level.

There are different ways this can work, too. I mentioned how comedy breaks up tension, allows higher levels of tension. Well, tension, or sadness, can do the same for comedy. If, in the middle of a comedy, something sad or stressful happens, the comedy that follows is that much more powerful for the audience. I've never tried to explain this in words, so not sure if that makes sense.

So when I'm talking about hitting a powerful emotion, it doesn't have to be tears. It could be fear, or some other variation of stress or conflict. Every emotional punch you include will sharpen the audience's senses, draw them into the movie, and make them feel and appreciate all of the other elements much more.

I think those emotional moments stand out in a script, too, like landmarks. When someone reads your script, they will remember the general plot, and the characters. They will also remember those emotional punches if you have them.

Man, 18 months, huh? I've only been writing screen for 6 or 7 months. I've written 3 features, but I consider it more part of the development process, of learning how to write a screen. Hopefully. My first script was written on word, with little knowledge of format. My second script I learned basic formatting, and my third I got a basic hold on screen writing. What's left is to master the basic elements of story telling. I'm nearing completion of my 4th script, and hopefully I can start to do the things that create stronger story. The things I have been talking about, creating emotional punch, are not things I have done yet either. That's the next step.

Let us know how the rewrite goes when you start!
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: June 1st, 2011, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
I have to agree with this.  I think you need a much better and more recognizable Antag.


I'll agree in spirit, but not in severity.
They'll be no mustache twizzling maniacal nonsense here.
This simply isn't that kind of story. It's an ensemble character piece.

The Fratellis in The Goonies didn't add much zip to the story.
They did keep things moving for the most part though.
Gremlins only had Spike, a mild dislike between him and Gizmo.
Explorers had no villain at all, but I don't think that's a very successful film.
Heck, even Super 8 is essentially a benign critter that just wants to phone home.
Granted, it's rather cranky after decades of government capture and scrutiny.

However, I do agree that D, Figgis and the Gymnasties are a work in progress.
I'm edging them closer to being effective antags.
And they've developed a fair bit in the four subsequent drafts you haven't seen.

It's back to the grind after a weekend of shameless self promotion!

E.D.




LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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c m hall
Posted: June 2nd, 2011, 12:23am Report to Moderator
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Anther thing I found charming in Zombie Playground is the Rube Goldberg sort of quality in the vast number of characters and peculiar plot twists -- the improbable story moves along at an odd pace that is oddly fascinating.  Family ties, some unexpected, really do ground the  story, however, so no matter how complicated it gets, it's not just (purple) froth.
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Ryan1
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Brett,

I see you've already got four pages of feedback after just a few days.  Very impressive for a feature length script around here.  And congrats on completing another feature.  You already know I think you've got a great concept and catchy title here.

One question I had from the get go here is regarding the Bite product itself.  I didn't understand how it got this far along, well into the branding phase, without anyone at Fig understanding the terrible side effects.  I think I would have found it much more believable if this product was in the preliminary testing phase, where no one fully understood yet the nasty effect of the purple goo.

I think the first ten pages need to move much more quickly.  We're still at the Brewster house by page 13.  The story felt like it was just treading water here.  We need to get to that playground!  You introduce a dizzying amount of characters during the breakfast.  I found it hard to keep track of who was who.  Maybe give us a couple of the kids, let us get to understand who they are, and then intro some more at the playground.  I do have to agree with Pia about the "makin' bacon" line.  If you make no other adjustments before your pitchfest, I'd definitely ditch that.

One of the kid characters has to emerge as the lead.  Mason is the guy I was rooting for.  But, I'd give him a more complete arc.  Right now, he's the little guy who gets crapped on by his older siblings, but I'd like to really see a full character transformation in him by the end.

I did like Coach D and her dreaded gymnasties.  I think because the zombies form sort of a single mass antagonist, as in Dawn of the Dead,  having one particular antag isn't as important as having a strong lead.

The actual playground doesn't become a zombie playground until around page 40.  I think it might work better if you could find a way to have that be your turn into the second act, say right around page thirty.

I liked the second act best when you were able to keep it suspenseful but also lighthearted, like the escape scenes in the hamster cage and arcade.  This is when your script is at its best.  However, the cutbacks to the adults in FigLab gave the story a disjointed feel.  It's like you have a kid's movie going on at the playground and a more conventional horror/thriller at the labs.  The two storylines never quite meshed for me.

I loved that go-kart zombie roundup scene.  But, having the Bite wear off after eight hours, right on schedule, felt like a bit of a cop out.  I wanted these kids to come up with some brilliant solution to save the day.  Another poster mentioned the stakes need to be raised, and I would agree.  What if these zombies were somehow threatening to leave the confines of FigCorp.  What if mass amounts of Bite were about to be taste-tested somewhere else?  Just spitballing here.

To me, this is strictly a kid's movie.  And that's not an insult.  I just don't see many adults being too eager to see a film with such a kid-based concept.  So, in the rewrites, I would seriously steer the script much more in that direction.  Make Gil, Joan and Fig less prominent and give those pages over to the kids.  I think you've got a strong start here and this has real potential to be a saleable script.

Good luck at PF

Ryan

  
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: June 2nd, 2011, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from James McClung
Hey Brett. Read this as promised.
Despite your warnings and me going in with an open mind, I was still completely caught off guard. This whole Figcorp world was as bizarre as anything I could've expected. Again, I'd be curious as to where the inspiration for this came from. The purple haired zombies were stranger still yet I could see how they came out of this world.

Hey James,

I think it's hilarious despite all my efforts and the poster, it didn't quite sink in.
Here I was thinking I was leading you on too much.
Or perhaps the poster was bit too on the nose. Heh.
I liked the idea of making a zombie friendly kids movie.
Since you asked the original idea was inspired by a piece of art I saw in 2009.
It depicted a zombie takeover of a playground.
Remaining human kids were huddled, defending themselves with makeshift weapons.
As straight up horror it would not work in my mind.
However, if I could swap out blood for goo, I thought it might work.
Toss in some consumerist satire a la Dawn of the Dead and off I went.

Quoted from James McClung

Someone needs to lead. I'm in agreement about that.

Scott is developing into that role as the film goes on.
I'm at a loss for an opening scene to establish him better.
I need something, character centric, it just hasn't hit me yet.

Quoted from James McClung

The whole prey vs. predator thing, I never quite understood. Would anyone really make kids do this?

I thought it was a fairly common group game, played a lot at summer camps, etc.
I also use it to juxtapose the zombie outbreak and have some thematic fun.

Quoted from James McClung

I had no idea you were going for a family film until I was near finished. This put a lot of things into perspective (except the prey vs. predator... what?!). I wasn't sure it was even possible to write a family zombie film. But apparently it is.

In this regard, I'll give you some kudos. This is true "thinking outside the box" and I think you've filled a niche that a lot of people wouldn't even think needs filling. So a very good call. And to be fair, this did have a lot of splatter. Obviously, not blood splatter but... splatter. When I wasn't reminded of Spy Kids and such, I was reminded of Gremlins, namely Gremlins 2. That flick also had a lot of goop as well as a silly corporation that's just too retarded to exist.

Hopefully the poster and leave behind document will assuage some confusion.
I got some kid oriented reviews on there as well. Heh.
It's different and homogenizes two recognizable genres not tried before.
Zombies are pretty hot and kid adventure is on the rise with Super 8 coming out.
This was my general thinking, gotta make a splash to get noticed.
You're right, I swapped gore for splatter, but to the same basic effect.
I hope it comes across that way.
I might ask you to review it now knowing what you know.
But if ensemble pics and Spy Kids type stuff isn't your thing, I understand.
Even as a "hater" you recognized the value of the concept, and that's fine too.
So yeah. Not for me. But I think you might have something here.

Quoted from James McClung

- The circumstances of the marriage proposal was awkward. Really awkward. I'm not sure where else you might stick this in but where it is... eh.

- This might be a little harsh but pages 30-40 felt straight monotonous to me. Nothing really progressed.

There's a lot of set up there that could probably be better handled.
It's a lot of plot threads and I'm working on tightening them up.
The marriage proposal is a polarizing scene.
Some of the coverage I got praised that absurd sequence.
But some SS members fill the same as you. It is what it is.
I'll keep an eye out for more notes on it though.

Quoted from James McClung

- Liked the intercut on 65.

- The reunion between Figgus and Coach D was strange and overly abrupt. You might think about adjusting it.

Anyway, there you have it. Good luck at Pitchfest.

I assume you're referring to the battle prep intercut?
It's action heavy in parts, but what adventure picture isn't? Glad it worked for you.
Figgis and D is a work in progress.
Perhaps I'm being too precious with their "identities".

Thanks for all the notes, hopefully I'll make a decent impression at the con.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: June 2nd, 2011, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CindyLKeller
Hey Brett,

Okay, I finished it.  

I guess I'll give you the bad first and get it out of the way...

Even though all the kids spoke differently, I still had a hard time remembering who was who and that, I think, is what held me back from really getting into this story.

I think you have to have a main character. One that we can watch grow and change. You have that person.
I believe that person should be Scott.

Why him?

Because his father is going to marry another woman and that woman has two kids.

Scott had a change of heart for his father when he learned what he did for Mason, right?

Well, I didn't get that he was all that upset with his father to begin with.
He just went along with everything like the other kids did.

I think you should make Scott more of a rebel. A loner. A tough kid on the outside  who hides his true feelings.

Ensemble pieces are tricky and I didn't make it easy on myself, all true.
Goonies has 7 kids. Sandlot 9. And Monster Squad 5.
I guess I chose seven because of The Goonies and Seven Samurai, heh.
You're right about Scott, I need a new opening scene with him.
There was one on page 3, but I merged with the argument scene.
Which I guess needs some work too, since it didn't come across for you.
I'm stumped for a character centric opener for him right now.
I might revisit some old notes and see if that sparks anything, thanks.

Quoted from CindyLKeller

Have him be the one to save his soon to be stepbrother and sister (even though he doesn't know they are going to be related until the end).
Make him actually care for his new family.

He does save Hanna and help save Steph and Mason in the cage.
And he does lead them to the fortress and rally the troops there.
And it is his anger that fuels the retaliation and eventual capture.
I feel like I'm missing a galvanizing first moment to establish him though.
I'll have to go back to the beginning as see what hits me.

Quoted from CindyLKeller

I also believe you can get rid of the pigmy stuff at the beginning.
You don't introduce Francis Figgis until page 15.
I believe you should open on him in his lab, creating Bite. Experimenting with ingredients to see which would create a hunger for junk food.
Make Figgis the antagonist instead of just the FigCorp.
Maybe have a chart in the background showing this year's sales of snack foods going into the toilet.

The Pygmies are another polarizing point. Some SS'ers rail against him.
Yet, it's one thing I get unanimous praise for in the industry coverage. Go figure.
I'll keep this in mind though, many think it goes a long way to setting up the "rules".

Quoted from CindyLKeller

On the good note, you have some witty dialogue and good action scenes.

Well, that's my thoughts.
Hope it helps.

Good luck with this,
Cindy

I tried to construct distinct voices and neat scenes for the kids.
I'm glad they worked for you.
Thanks for all the helpful notes.
Now, I've gotta psych myself out for the convention.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: June 2nd, 2011, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rc1107
Hey Brett.

Well, I guess I was wrong, since (that I saw) nobody has brought up the 'you know what' part I said that might offend a few people.  Maybe I was just looking into it a little too much.

But you know how I am.  I just don't like to see people's moms talked about in MY scripts.  

We all know how you feel about spastic mothers. Did I just type that?
Since you posted this a couple have, so thanks a lot! Heh.

Quoted from rc1107

This might not be a bad idea to work into your pitch somehow.  Something along the lines of 'The first family film with a whole lot of... um... well you know... let's just say it's the first family-splatter film.'

Maybe a stupid idea.  I'm just throwing stuff out there for ya to think about.

The first family splatter film! Genius! Stolen. ^_^

E.D.


Final version of the leave behind that went to the printer this morning is posted.
It's the first comment on the thread, opinions always welcome!


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.

Revision History (1 edits)
Electric Dreamer  -  June 2nd, 2011, 12:43pm
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Penoyer79
Posted: June 2nd, 2011, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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the title of this script gave me the idea of doing a zombie script where the unleashed zombie virus has wiped out all the adults - and only pre-pubescent children are left in the world
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CindyLKeller
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Brett,

I forgot to comment on your poster. Your partner in crime did a fantastic job on it.

And after going back and taking another look at it, I saw Screenplay readers gave you coverage.

How was it?

Cindy



Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Electric Dreamer
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Brett,
I see people are giving you a lot of input. Great! Mine will be short as I read this in places where I was unable to take proper notes.

First of all I want to say that I'm very impressed with this being just your second feature and how you managed to string this story together. It's solid. Something I've never managed to do with a feature yet...maybe due to me also posting first drafts!  

Hey Pia,

Thanks for the read, I really appreciate you fitting me in your busy schedule.
I wanted to try and polish up a decent draft for the site.
Active contributing members have helped me tons.
So, in return, I wanted to try and put together a decent read for folks.
Instead of just giving them my early draft messes.
The story had been marinating in my brain for 18 months.
I outlined, boarded and mapped it out after writing a long treatment.
All those steps helped me to string along the story.

Quoted from Grandma Bear

Anyway, great writing and format. All I spotted was some missing words on pages 33 and 39 I think.

So, in short, you did a GREAT job over all. The rest will be me complaining about some of the things that needs attention or tweaking IMHO.

I took care of those missing words, thanks.
Heh, I appreciate the kudos prior to the complaints.

Quoted from Grandma Bear

First off, who is this intended for? As a parent of three, I have sat through countless of "family" films. Horrible ones as well as great ones. IMO, it's very hard to write something that will work for pretty much everyone. Writing something that is not offensive to anyone is not equal to writing something everyone will like. Disney and Pixar for example make great films that almost everyone will like. And to me it seemed like you tried too hard to cram stuff in there to appeal to everybody, but it becomes too busy and doesn't quite work.

You're right, I did cast a wide net to suggest a kitchen sink approach to appeal.
I thought it might help execs see the potential to go PG or PG-13.
This is definitely leaning towards the PG end of the spectrum.
But I did insert some slightly more risque PG type stuff.
It's quite surprising to see how much innuendo PG films get away with.

Quoted from Grandma Bear

There are way too many characters in this piece. Even for an ensemble cast. I can't say I connected with anyone. I probably thought Mason was the cutest and most charming, but other than that no one else stood out with their personality. They were just names on the pages. It's almost like you tried to cover every single age group in this cast. Which brings me to the target audience again. Who is this for?

It's aimed at the 6 - 12 male and female crowd.
Teaching the value of family by having the adults involved as well.
Ensembles are tricky, I have been making character tweaks all week.
I'm trying to bring Scott into focus better as a lead protag.
I tried to give each kid their own voice, sorry it didn't come across for you.
Monster Squad did 5. Goonies 7 and Sandlot was 9 kids.  I'll keep at it.

Quoted from Grandma Bear

IMHO, it is not clever or witty enough to keep an adult interested. At least not me. Again, study some of the big studios and how they manage to keep the adults entertained at a higher level that goes over the kids heads. Lots of those films have a lot of innuendo and can be very suggestive, but don't sink to the level of having a mother say she and her boyfriend are heading into the bedroom to make bacon. Cringe!! Is what I did when I read that. It doesn't fit this story.

Point taken, I've rewritten those lines to be a bit less, bombastic.
Innuendo is something I'm working on, it's fairly new to me on the page.

Quoted from Grandma Bear

I also didn't think this would keep teenagers (14 and up) interested. IMO, the very young crowd is probably who this would work best for. It reminded me quite a bit of that Nickelodeon show that had a lot of green slime in it. I forgot the name. But that's about how this looked to me.

That's pretty much the target right there, a family "splatter" adventure.
It's not something for teens, as written. If a producer want to up it to PG-13, I could.
As written, it's focused on the younger kids.

Quoted from Grandma Bear

Second problem I had here was the lack of a real feel of tension and suspense. I felt that there really wasn't that much at risk. I'm not sure little kids are even gonna feel it. What's the worst that will happen? Not enough at stake here. I would have liked to see someone from the protag side being in real jeopardy. Something. Being vomited on and possibly turning into a vomiting being themself is bad, but not bad enough.

That's a pretty good idea to kick around.
I wanted to stay away from the whole world danger outbreak type stuff.
I felt confining it to a playground would be more suitable peril.
It's something I'm open to adjusting, should there be interest.

Quoted from Grandma Bear

I also didn't like that someone said Joan's other boyfriend did this or that. She's moving into a house with this new boyfriend and both have a bunch of kids. You made it sound like Joan is trying out new boyfriends all the time. At least in the kid's eyes. That along with the bacon and even MILF part doesn't fit this script.

Good points, I adjusted the bacon business at the boyfriend thing.
I hadn't thought of it that way before, thanks.

Quoted from Grandma Bear

Where are the other parents? The kid's other parents? That was a big gaping hole. It stood out by not even being mentioned.

They return at five to pick up the kids.
They are all the angry folks trying to get into the locked playground.
Perhaps I need to be clearer about that, thanks.

Quoted from Grandma Bear

Your writing was great, but you seriously need to check how often you use "as".

That's all I have for now. I will look this over later "as" I'm in a hurry right now.

Any q's, just fire away.

Good Luck at the pitch and I hope this can be of any help to you.

Pia  

LoL, guilty "as" charged. I can scale that back a bit.
You did get the young family genre right. I'm glad for that.
The director of Gremlins, Explorers and Small Soldiers has a company attending.
And in their con manifest, they are looking for this kind of film.
They described it as, "fresh genre bending family films".
So, I'll definitely polish my pitch and meet with that company.
As well as manager and talent agencies.
The consensus seems to be a manager is more needed to start, than an agent.

Should be quote an adventurous weekend!
Thanks for your insights and effort.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
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Quoted from leitskev
Hey Brett

I think those emotional moments stand out in a script, too, like landmarks. When someone reads your script, they will remember the general plot, and the characters. They will also remember those emotional punches if you have them.

Man, 18 months, huh? I've only been writing screen for 6 or 7 months. I've written 3 features, but I consider it more part of the development process, of learning how to write a screen. Hopefully. My first script was written on word, with little knowledge of format. My second script I learned basic formatting, and my third I got a basic hold on screen writing. What's left is to master the basic elements of story telling. I'm nearing completion of my 4th script, and hopefully I can start to do the things that create stronger story. The things I have been talking about, creating emotional punch, are not things I have done yet either. That's the next step.

Let us know how the rewrite goes when you start!

Hey Kev!

All good points about those emotional moments. It's something I believe in.
I strive for that, such as having a wedding proposal during a zombie attack.
Or Gil complaining about airfare because he doesn't want to see Joan's mother.
The kids taking issue with the zombies being better at video games, etc.
I'm working on it and will try to take your words to heart, thanks.

Well, I didn't work on ZP 18 months straight.
I wrote a thirty page treatment in late 2009.
Let the idea kick around in my head, the rewrote the treatment in summer 2010.
With PitchFest coming and the release of Super 8 coinciding, I saw a window.
Might be a good time to develop ZP into a feature script for this event.
I boarded the story the last two weeks of March.
Just sat around and immersed myself in the characters and plot.
Then wrote a 100 page first draft in April. 25 pages a week.
Since then, I've been rewriting and refining ever since.
Heh, maybe I should start a ZP development thread, heh.
Looking back, it's quite a lot of work to build up to the actual pages.
I'm rewriting every day, there's already been a new draft this week.
I may refine some more, then likely upload again.

Thanks for your extensive and useful thoughts and comments.
It's time to see who's got the long pants and wade into battle!

Regards,
E.D.

Ryan, great comments! Will reply as con schedule allows.



LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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