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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Wild East Moderators: bert
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  Author    Wild East  (currently 884 views)
Don
Posted: March 27th, 2014, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Wild East by Dugan McShain (Duganinja) - Comedy - A young professional explores his family roots in rodeo country while trying to avoid the lackluster life that awaits him in a cubicle. 112 pages - pdf, format


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Emanuel
Posted: March 31st, 2014, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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A few things to start off:

--"His name is Darryl WALKER and he is not a happy camper." -- You have already introduced Darryl Walker. No need to do it again.

--"He turns on the radio expecting music." -- How do you know he's expecting music? You want to show, not tell.

-- You should never have your character say something and then say something again on a different line. Ex:

DARRYL
Hello?

DARRYL
No...Honey... I can't believe it.
Hon...
So what?

DARRYL

DARRYL (weakly)
Oh yeah for how much?

DARRYL
Forget it I'll write the check.

DARRYL
For what?

DARRYL
I gotta go. Can I call you later?

-- Double spacing doesn't indicate a pause where the other person talks on the other end of the phone. This should be:

Hello?...No...Honey... I can't believe it. Hon...So what?...Oh yeah for how much?...Forget it, I'll write the check...For what?...I gotta go. Can I call you later?


--3 periods does the trick.

--So far, diolauge is good. Just Give this a quick touch up.

Good luck,

-Emanuel


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