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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Zero to 100 Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 25th, 2015, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Zero to 100 by Nolan Bryand - Comedy - Now that training's over, the real crap begins. 82 pages - pdf, format


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ABennettWriter
Posted: November 25th, 2015, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
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Your logline gives me absolutely nothing. It might as well say, "I have no idea what my movie is about".

Do you mean for the title to read Zero to One Hundred or Zero to a Hundred? Both mean the same thing, but they sound different.

Do you mean that someone throws paint in his face? Say that.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: November 26th, 2015, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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Maybe it means now we get blown up.
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TonyDionisio
Posted: November 26th, 2015, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Nolan,

Read to page 12 despite the issues reported above and I will add: "I still don't know what the fuck this about!" Sorry for the cuss word,  dawg.

Your writing is not bad, but without a clue where this headed, I'll bail.

Gl

Tony
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Nolan
Posted: November 26th, 2015, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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I was having issues with the log line.  If anyone has any suggestions it would be great.  The story is about a new police officer.  He comes out of training and is into the job so the log line refers to that.  I'm open to suggestions.  I'm open to suggestions about the title as well.  Thanks.
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Nolan
Posted: November 26th, 2015, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ABennettWriter
Your logline gives me absolutely nothing. It might as well say, "I have no idea what my movie is about".

Do you mean for the title to read Zero to One Hundred or Zero to a Hundred? Both mean the same thing, but they sound different.

Do you mean that someone throws paint in his face? Say that.


My intention was for it to read "Zero to One Hundred", but I see what you mean with it being Zero to 100 that you can read it either way.  Thanks.
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Nolan
Posted: November 26th, 2015, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TonyDionisio
Nolan,

Read to page 12 despite the issues reported above and I will add: "I still don't know what the fuck this about!" Sorry for the cuss word,  dawg.

Your writing is not bad, but without a clue where this headed, I'll bail.

Gl

Tony


Thanks Tony, I appreciate the feed back.  I'll work on that log line.

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TonyDionisio
Posted: November 26th, 2015, 7:16pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Quoted from Nolan
I was having issues with the log line.  If anyone has any suggestions it would be great.  The story is about a new police officer.  He comes out of training and is into the job so the log line refers to that.  I'm open to suggestions.  I'm open to suggestions about the title as well.  Thanks.


Obviously, you have a huge problem here. We couldn't figure what this was about as indicated and you had an opportunity to explain to us what it's about, but yet we still don't have enough to help you with a logline.

Unless you want to use: "another cop academy movie. It moves fast like a race car that does 0-100, really exciting."
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Nolan
Posted: November 26th, 2015, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TonyDionisio


Obviously, you have a huge problem here. We couldn't figure what this was about as indicated and you had an opportunity to explain to us what it's about, but yet we still don't have enough to help you with a logline.

Unless you want to use: "another cop academy movie. It moves fast like a race car that does 0-100, really exciting."


No worries.  I'll explain it a little

Jake is a rookie cop.  The first few pages are a little insight into the training to become a police officer, and it's very brief, hence the montage.  

You can only prepare a cadet so much while in training, but once you get out into the field it's a huge learning curve.  Hence, zero to one hundred.  So the script is about the learning curve from training to be a police officer to policing for real.  And despite what they prepare you for in training, you see stuff that you never imagined would happen or that you'd deal with in your life.

I hope that helps.  
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Lightfoot
Posted: November 27th, 2015, 5:03am Report to Moderator
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I may throw some eyes at this tomorrow, I have read a few pages already so far.

error page 2 "Snot bubbles bubble up in his nose as he clumsily looks around for the radio. "

Just a thought, but have you thought about trying to integrate parts of the montage to similar events in the story?


Your logline though will still be tricky to write out even with your description of the story,   "the script is about the learning curve from training to be a police officer to policing for real" doesn't seem all to interesting, is there anything specific, like a gang or individual that causes this learning curve?

Your current logline reminds me of the ones that Netflix uses...so vague you don't have a clue what it's about.
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Nolan
Posted: November 27th, 2015, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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[quote=LIGHTFOOT]I may throw some eyes at this tomorrow, I have read a few pages already so far.

error page 2 "Snot bubbles bubble up in his nose as he clumsily looks around for the radio. "

Just a thought, but have you thought about trying to integrate parts of the montage to similar events in the story?


Your logline though will still be tricky to write out even with your description of the story,   "the script is about the learning curve from training to be a police officer to policing for real" doesn't seem all to interesting, is there anything specific, like a gang or individual that causes this learning curve?

Your current logline reminds me of the ones that Netflix uses...so vague you don't have a clue what it's about.[/quote

Other than the shooting at the range and driving part of the montage, they all have a link to the story.  I suppose those two could be omitted from the montage.  The more I think about it, the more I think that the name of the script may give the reader a false sense of what the story is about so I need to change that.  
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KevinS
Posted: November 27th, 2015, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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Everyone has a story to tell.

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I like your writing style, but there's no main plot.  It's just about a rookie officer learning the ropes of his new job.  I read up to page 40 and skimmed the rest.  There was no main plot that caught my attention.  Also, there wasn't a lot of comedy, IMO.  There were some humorous parts, but not enough to hold my attention.  In a way, reading your script was like reading a transcript from an episode of Cops.

As for the title, perhaps Learning Curve would be good?

You do a great job with the dialogue and the transitions from scene to scene are good.  Just focus more on a main plot.

Good luck!
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Erica
Posted: November 27th, 2015, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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I can't help but think what's at stake for this rookie?  Maybe the story is starting too early?  As it is right now, it's more of a documentary then a story (based on the logline discussions and explanations).

Why is the rookie doing this and what happens if he doesn't become a cop?  Is the training of the rookie cop really that important or is it more after he becomes a cop?

When a rookie cop thrown into the job, no training could prepare him for _______ and now he must work together with _______ before ________ it's too late.

Just some thoughts, but it's hard to write a log line without really knowing the story.  Plus I struggle too at it


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TonyDionisio
Posted: November 27th, 2015, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Even better, google some plot structure guides and study GSU.
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Nolan
Posted: November 27th, 2015, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, all good stuff.  I'll take a look at it and see what I can do.  Thanks for the valuable feedback, I appreciate it!
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