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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Nun the Wiser Moderators: bert
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  Author    Nun the Wiser  (currently 825 views)
eldave1
Posted: June 29th, 2020, 12:11am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AlsoBen
No problem dave. Just to be clear Iím still reading so expect some more from me!


Cool


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AlsoBen
Posted: July 2nd, 2020, 5:15am Report to Moderator
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OK I finished this up

The only overall "issue" is something that's more of a personal preference of mine, and is not really constructive. I was just kind of hoping for something that turned the genre on it's side. It's really clean and pretty much there's nothing I'd say makes this not worth pursuing, and I don't even think - as is - that it's needs further re drafts at all. But I would have loved to see this be something that starts out like a really typical buddy road trip movie with all the tropes, digging for that humor, and then end in a really different place. But that's just me - otherwise this is really serviceable and reads like a pro script.

I liked the poignancy of Kimberly and Theresa's strong relationship and how it builds throughout the script. Even though I still feel lit comes later in the script than necessary, Kimberly's character is really sweet and her background makes for a nice contrast to the comedy. Theresa is just a wholesome character who I liked being around.

You didn't go to any really "gross" places despite the plot revolving around sex workers and I think a lazier writer would have tried to draw more humour out of a naive Nun being around a sex worker, and the sex worker being really shameless/gross or just too exuberant.

Really fun read - sorry it took  me a week or two, but that had nothing to do with quality at all. Thanks Dave


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eldave1
Posted: July 2nd, 2020, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
6165
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Quoted from AlsoBen
OK I finished this up

The only overall "issue" is something that's more of a personal preference of mine, and is not really constructive. I was just kind of hoping for something that turned the genre on it's side. It's really clean and pretty much there's nothing I'd say makes this not worth pursuing, and I don't even think - as is - that it's needs further re drafts at all. But I would have loved to see this be something that starts out like a really typical buddy road trip movie with all the tropes, digging for that humor, and then end in a really different place. But that's just me - otherwise this is really serviceable and reads like a pro script.

I liked the poignancy of Kimberly and Theresa's strong relationship and how it builds throughout the script. Even though I still feel lit comes later in the script than necessary, Kimberly's character is really sweet and her background makes for a nice contrast to the comedy. Theresa is just a wholesome character who I liked being around.

You didn't go to any really "gross" places despite the plot revolving around sex workers and I think a lazier writer would have tried to draw more humour out of a naive Nun being around a sex worker, and the sex worker being really shameless/gross or just too exuberant.

Really fun read - sorry it took  me a week or two, but that had nothing to do with quality at all. Thanks Dave


Thank you, Ben! - Glad you enjoyed it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AlsoBen
Posted: July 3rd, 2020, 6:57am Report to Moderator
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No problem! Thanks for reading my feature draft - it's been really helpful


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eldave1
Posted: July 3rd, 2020, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
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Quoted from AlsoBen
No problem! Thanks for reading my feature draft - it's been really helpful


Glad it helped


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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