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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Nun the Wiser Moderators: bert
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  Author    Nun the Wiser  (currently 810 views)
Don
Posted: June 11th, 2020, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Nun the Wiser by David C Lambertson - Comedy - A nun and a prostitute take a cross-country road trip to discover whether either of them chose the right profession.  118 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: June 11th, 2020, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for getting this up so fast.

Anyhoo:

Wanted to get a road comedy in my inventory because - well, I didn't have one. So this is just kind of a light-hearted one that's based on a short I wrote for an OWC (Nun too Soon) a long time ago.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Yuvraj
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Just when I read the logline, it striked me that this is a fleshed out version of your short script. Gonna read this soon.


Most recent script: DEAD AHEAD, VULTURES
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eldave1
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Quoted from Yuvraj
Just when I read the logline, it striked me that this is a fleshed out version of your short script. Gonna read this soon.


Yes - it is - thanks


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: June 11th, 2020, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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Must be summer (ish). Everyone's bringing out the big guns. Dave, this one will also go on the list after I finish up. =)

P.S. I still think you should make that foray into horror...


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eldave1
Posted: June 11th, 2020, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr. Blonde
Must be summer (ish). Everyone's bringing out the big guns. Dave, this one will also go on the list after I finish up. =)

P.S. I still think you should make that foray into horror...


Thanks, mate


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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stevie
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Just finished reading this and highly recommend it! A breeze to read, engaging characters and some real funny lines. Do yourself a favour.

I would nearly dub the writing as Ďeffortlessí but only the Beatles achieved that moniker




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spesh2k
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Got this on my list, Dave. Should get to this within the next week.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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eldave1
Posted: June 12th, 2020, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
Just finished reading this and highly recommend it! A breeze to read, engaging characters and some real funny lines. Do yourself a favour.

I would nearly dub the writing as Ďeffortlessí but only the Beatles achieved that moniker



Thanks, Steve - appreciated


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
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Quoted from spesh2k
Got this on my list, Dave. Should get to this within the next week.

-- Michael


Cool


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 12th, 2020, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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Dave

This is an outstanding title and idea. Reminds me of `Brett`martins (electric dreamer) Clone Wife...the kind of concept that just made you sit up.

As those in the know say, itís Something you could see on billboards.

I hope to read, but as a starter, this is very sound.

All the best


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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eldave1
Posted: June 12th, 2020, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Dave

This is an outstanding title and idea. Reminds me of `Brett`martins (electric dreamer) Clone Wife...the kind of concept that just made you sit up.

As those in the know say, itís Something you could see on billboards.

I hope to read, but as a starter, this is very sound.

All the best


Thanks, buddy


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Sam
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Hey, I read up to page 40. Itís really well written and no technical issues.  
The action and dialogue are clean and I was never confused about where the characters were or what was happening.

For the most part I enjoyed the story and the relationship between the two characters. Iíve only read the setup and your goal is to get these two characters on the road and I felt at times the plot elements you used to make this happen felt a bit forced. What I mean is certain things felt a little coincidental for the sake of plot. The camper-van is donated to the church and it has to be driven across country and it has to be this nun to do itÖ

I also didnít get the impression that these were two characters who NEEDED to go on this journey. Kimberleyís life as a prostitute seems great. She doesnít seem to be doing it out of financial need or to compensate for an emotional weakness. I donít know what she wants. Itís the same for Theresa.
In Thelma and Louise we have a clear understanding of the characters before they set off. We know what their lives are like and itís obvious this trip is going to change them because we know they need to change.

I thought it was a bit strange that Kimberley works in a brothel. I live above a brothel and I had to go in once to fetch a parcel that our idiot postman left there and itís incredibly depressing and the women didnít speak much English. Kimberley seems more like an escort because she has an air of independence about her. Itís just something that stood out to me as a bit odd thatís all. These two woman are essentially products of their environments and by taking them out and putting them on the road we can see who they really are. At the moment they donít seem like products of their environments so taking them out of that has less impact.

Iím not sure if we need the police/phone plot but Iíve only read the start so I could be wrong. I feel like youíve got enough great stuff to work with without this story element.
One more thing Iíll mention is jokes. One thing professional comedy scripts have is jokes in every scene and in good comedies itís actually every line but you have the scene between Theresa and her father for instance with no jokes. Squeeze every bit of comedy out of your scenes.

I hope you find this constructive and remember Iím not even a fessional let alone a professional. These comments are all off of the back of a really good script. These are just some thoughts I had while reading. The set up is the part of the script I struggle with the most so Iím more sensitive to the start of scripts.


Email - samuellees@yahoo.co.uk
My script The Reachable Moon - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-family/m-1517759624/

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eldave1
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Quoted from Sam
Hey, I read up to page 40. Itís really well written and no technical issues.  
The action and dialogue are clean and I was never confused about where the characters were or what was happening.  


Hey, Sam - thanks a ton for the read and comments.


Quoted Text
For the most part I enjoyed the story and the relationship between the two characters. Iíve only read the setup and your goal is to get these two characters on the road and I felt at times the plot elements you used to make this happen felt a bit forced. What I mean is certain things felt a little coincidental for the sake of plot. The camper-van is donated to the church and it has to be driven across country and it has to be this nun to do itÖ


Don't agree here as given their divergent backgrounds they are only going to take that journey together through some set of odd circumstances. But I appreciate you view.


Quoted Text
I also didnít get the impression that these were two characters who NEEDED to go on this journey. Kimberleyís life as a prostitute seems great. She doesnít seem to be doing it out of financial need or to compensate for an emotional weakness. I donít know what she wants. Itís the same for Theresa.


The "need" for the journey wasn't important for me to for either character. Theresa is ordered, Kimberly goes on a whim. They don't need to travel per se - but they both need to determine what they are going to do with their lives.

I like your point on Kimberly though. I think I could use a little more "why now" for her given that she is relatively happy with her life.


Quoted Text
I thought it was a bit strange that Kimberley works in a brothel. I live above a brothel and I had to go in once to fetch a parcel that our idiot postman left there and itís incredibly depressing and the women didnít speak much English. Kimberley seems more like an escort because she has an air of independence about her. Itís just something that stood out to me as a bit odd thatís all. These two woman are essentially products of their environments and by taking them out and putting them on the road we can see who they really are. At the moment they donít seem like products of their environments so taking them out of that has less impact.


This isn't that kind of brothel. This is the high-end $500 to $1,000 a night kind - like the Emperor Club visited by Elliot Spitzer.


Quoted Text
Iím not sure if we need the police/phone plot but Iíve only read the start so I could be wrong. I feel like youíve got enough great stuff to work with without this story element.


It is a key element - it provides the need for the chase. That being said - it is worth re-examing of a chase is needed.


Quoted Text
One more thing Iíll mention is jokes. One thing professional comedy scripts have is jokes in every scene and in good comedies itís actually every line but you have the scene between Theresa and her father for instance with no jokes. Squeeze every bit of comedy out of your scenes.


Disagree here. Yeah, it some outright comedies you're right. But many comedies have serious, even tragic moments - I intend this to be in that category.


Quoted Text
I hope you find this constructive and remember Iím not even a fessional let alone a professional. These comments are all off of the back of a really good script. These are just some thoughts I had while reading. The set up is the part of the script I struggle with the most so Iím more sensitive to the start of scripts.


I did and thank you much for weighing in - much appreciated.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Sam
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When I say NEED I mean more of an emotional need than a story need. Iím surprised to hear you say it wasnít important. For example does an uptight, naÔve nun learn to stop trying to control every aspect of her life and have more perspective and does a cynical, depressed prostitute learn to trust and find something worth living for? Thatís obviously a paint by numbers example and Iím an idiot for explaining that to you but I think the story would strengthen if you sharpened the edges around your characters.
My criticism seems pretty negative and I just want to say again, I really enjoyed reading it. Youíve really got something.

Because it is so strong I wasnít suggesting big changes but I thought some moments in the story could have had added weight if we had a clearer understanding of the characters early on. That was just my experience. It was more a case of making the good parts great.

I know what youíre saying about comedies having serious and tragic moments but those scenes are usually punctuated with a funny pay off.  Itís been a bit of an eye opener reading professional comedy scripts and realizing how many jokes are on a page. I donít mean gag after gag for cheap laughs but rather constructing comedy out of every scene. Youíre very good at constructing scenes. You know when to enter and when to leave and they flow nicely.

The scene with Theresa and her father isnít serious or tragic and I bet if you went back you could think of a comedic payoff. Itís about a man who sleeps with prostitutes having dinner with his daughter who is becoming a nun after all.

I had no idea those brothels existed. Thereís a whole world I never knew about. Thanks for the insight.
Anyway, youíre very talented and I learnt a lot from reading the opening so thank you.


Email - samuellees@yahoo.co.uk
My script The Reachable Moon - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-family/m-1517759624/

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eldave1
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Quoted from Sam
When I say NEED I mean more of an emotional need than a story need. Iím surprised to hear you say it wasnít important. For example does an uptight, naÔve nun learn to stop trying to control every aspect of her life and have more perspective and does a cynical, depressed prostitute learn to trust and find something worth living for? Thatís obviously a paint by numbers example and Iím an idiot for explaining that to you but I think the story would strengthen if you sharpened the edges around your characters.
My criticism seems pretty negative and I just want to say again, I really enjoyed reading it. Youíve really got something.

Because it is so strong I wasnít suggesting big changes but I thought some moments in the story could have had added weight if we had a clearer understanding of the characters early on. That was just my experience. It was more a case of making the good parts great.

I know what youíre saying about comedies having serious and tragic moments but those scenes are usually punctuated with a funny pay off.  Itís been a bit of an eye opener reading professional comedy scripts and realizing how many jokes are on a page. I donít mean gag after gag for cheap laughs but rather constructing comedy out of every scene. Youíre very good at constructing scenes. You know when to enter and when to leave and they flow nicely.

The scene with Theresa and her father isnít serious or tragic and I bet if you went back you could think of a comedic payoff. Itís about a man who sleeps with prostitutes having dinner with his daughter who is becoming a nun after all.

I had no idea those brothels existed. Thereís a whole world I never knew about. Thanks for the insight.
Anyway, youíre very talented and I learnt a lot from reading the opening so thank you.


Thanks much, Sam - again - appreciate the read and comments.

I actually think we are in agreement on the need issue for Kimberly (see my response - indicated that there should be more there for her).

Yeah - those brothels exist in all big cities. The well connected and wealthy have their own houses of sin.

Thanks again.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Yuvraj
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Hi, Dave,

It took me a while to reply. I was caught with some other shit.

As I finished reading the script it didn't completely register with me to call it a comedy. Sure it has its moments and some dialogs are genuinely funny but the majority of the portion don't necessarily come off as comedy. I don't negatively mean this, it's just that the script is more of life journey/buddy/social genre. This is more of a life exploration done beautifully. The internal conflict and the flaws of the main characters( Kimberly and Theresa) are addressed and sorted in a beautifully paced manner. It is just that it doesn't altogether fall in the basket of comedy.  

The revelation and the characterization in the script are done nicely with a natural flow throughout. Even the characters of Heather, Hector, Sullivan, Tess, Charity, and the other nuns are really good and interesting. The writing is lucid as always and cut to the point. No wasted words.

Although I will argue the segment where Sullivan threats Tess to throw out Kimberly or else he will shut the condo down. And Tess easily agrees given the fact that she can reverse the game by threatening him about his records in her services. Tess can easily push him away since almost everyone in the police department is her client and she can easily retain Kimberly. I mean this might create some conflict and tension( it might).

All in all, a nice story with solid writing.

Good luck.


Most recent script: DEAD AHEAD, VULTURES
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eldave1
Posted: June 14th, 2020, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Yuvraj
Hi, Dave,

It took me a while to reply. I was caught with some other shit.

As I finished reading the script it didn't completely register with me to call it a comedy. Sure it has its moments and some dialogs are genuinely funny but the majority of the portion don't necessarily come off as comedy. I don't negatively mean this, it's just that the script is more of life journey/buddy/social genre. This is more of a life exploration done beautifully. The internal conflict and the flaws of the main characters( Kimberly and Theresa) are addressed and sorted in a beautifully paced manner. It is just that it doesn't altogether fall in the basket of comedy.  

The revelation and the characterization in the script are done nicely with a natural flow throughout. Even the characters of Heather, Hector, Sullivan, Tess, Charity, and the other nuns are really good and interesting. The writing is lucid as always and cut to the point. No wasted words.

Although I will argue the segment where Sullivan threats Tess to throw out Kimberly or else he will shut the condo down. And Tess easily agrees given the fact that she can reverse the game by threatening him about his records in her services. Tess can easily push him away since almost everyone in the police department is her client and she can easily retain Kimberly. I mean this might create some conflict and tension( it might).

All in all, a nice story with solid writing.

Good luck.


Thanks, mate.

I do agree with you on the genre - people tend to be turned off by the "dramedy" category and this certainly isn't intended to be straight on comedy - (;right comedy??  - anyway, I take your point and know I'll eventually have to slot this.

You raise a good point on Tess' options with Sullivan - I agree - that should be addressed. Thanks

And thanks for the read and comments. I am glad you enjoyed it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Yuvraj
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Dramedy, yes -- that's the correct term. It surely is a dramedy accompanied by self-exploration( of the characters) and friendship. Kinda like a light-hearted emotional ride that certainly evokes emotions.

I know comedy is tough. To make someone laugh is the biggest challenge as well as the noblest deed in the world. Keep up the good vibes.  


Most recent script: DEAD AHEAD, VULTURES

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eldave1
Posted: June 14th, 2020, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Yuvraj
Dramedy, yes -- that's the correct term. It surely is a dramedy accompanied by self-exploration( of the characters) and friendship. Kinda like a lighted-hearted emotional ride that certainly evokes emotions.

I know comedy is tough. To make someone laugh is the biggest challenge as well as the noblest deed in the world. Keep up the good vibes.  


thanks


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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spesh2k
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Hey David,

Sorry it took so long to get this, had a few other projects to tend to.

So, this really isn't my preferred genre to read, though who doesn't like a good comedy? But I do admire those who can write well in genres I don't really explore (They Never Left was as close as I can really get to writing a dramedy). And, as a movie fan, some of my favorite comedies have been road flicks -- Dumb & Dumber, Kingpin, of course Trains, Planes & Automobiles, Little Miss Sunshine and my personal favorite, "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle".

I really enjoyed this script and think it would make a welcome addition to this comedy subgenre. It wasn't laugh out loud type of comedy, but I did find myself laughing, amused by the sharply written dialogue. And I really cared about these characters. This is a strength of the script -- excellent character building and building their relationships w/ side characters, even if not given too much screen time. And the characters, specifically Theresa and Kimberly, were very well rounded and three dimensional. It wasn't just hooker and nun jokes the whole time -- these two had a lot in common, are dealing with their own inner conflicts. Fantastic work!

The set up was fantastic as each detail snowballed into what became the plot. My main gripe was that the rift between the main characters happened just a bit late in the script. And the resolution to that conflict seemed to come a little TOO easy, if that makes sense. They had the rift (Theresa finding out that her father paid for Kimberly's services), Theresa found out it wasn't what she thought and then she shows up at the airport and they're best of friends again within a pretty narrow time frame. In good roadtrip movies, there's always a major rift between the characters and the resolve offers a nice moment. That moment was missing here, IMO. I feel like the stronger the rift/conflict, the sweeter and more satisfying the resolve will be. I think when they're grabbing drinks and the two men at the hotel bar offer them wine, that would be a great place to begin the rift. I actually thought that was where the rift was going to start -- maybe Kimberly thinks about making a few extra bucks (perhaps she's running low on $). And maybe the time apart from Theresa in that time, we cut back and forth in contrasting scenes, each character deciding to make a decision of some sort. Maybe Kimberly bails out of having sex, I dunno. But you get the gist.

To me, especially late in the script, there were so many more opportunities to create more conflicts during their journey outside of minor disagreements along the way. There were moments -- like when they get pulled over. But the resolve just happened way too easy each time. And the climax, when Detective Sullivan confronts them in LA, just felt anti-climactic. One way to make this payoff stronger is to maybe create just a little more angst and conflict between Hector and the Detective along the way. It's just about there, but not quite. Also, I think just having Hector whoop his ass isn't enough... Theresa and Kimberly really play no part in the resolve after all this build-up -- Detective Sullivan chases her all the way across the country and that strong set-up, all that time spent on the road... it just falls flat in the payoff to me. The conclusion is a satisfying, feel-good one that I enjoyed, also ending on a strong cathartic moment with Theresa. But it is (just nitpicking) a bit tooo schmaltzy IMO. When you introduce us to both characters, they meet in an Uber. It would be nice to end it with some kind of contrasting image or situation to their first meeting -- sorta like a bookend. I'm not saying it HAS to be like that, but it's a suggestion nevertheless. Also, it'd be nice to see what happened to some of the characters. I know Sullivan gets his ass kicked, but it'd be nice to see him get exposed -- could make for a more satisfying conclusion.

But yeah, this was a very strong first draft. Well written of course. I saw the page count and kinda was like, "Ah, fuck". But at 118 pages, it reads much faster than most 90 page scripts. Not just because of the writing, but it was easy to get hooked into the plot and connect to these characters. But it hits a bit of a lull at the end of the 2nd act, going into the 3rd. I think if you address that part, this script could be damn near perfect for a work in this genre.  

Here are some notes I took while reading...

PAGE 2: Theresa wears a plain, gray cloth jacket and matching long skirt She has short hair, no make-up - no nonsense.

Missing a period.

Also, a little confused as Iím reading Ė did these two women know each other already?

PAGE 1 Ė 10: Ha, like the driverís interjection into the conversation.

PAGE 11:


Quoted Text
John slips out the door. Heather smile evaporates.


Heatherís smile evaporates.

PAGE 13:


Quoted Text
Four NUNS, play SCRABBLE at an old oak table in the center of the room.


No comma necessary.

RANDOM COMMENT: Loving the duality of the characters, the contrasts and similarities.

PAGE 23 (TOP):


Quoted Text
EXT. SAINT ANTHONYíS CONVENT - MORNING Theresa drags her suitcase towards a glimmering, silver SMALL CLASS RECREATION VEHICLE parked in the driveway. 22.

INSIDE THE VEHICLE


Probably just a nitpick, but mini slugs usually apply when itís within the same location Ė For INT, the mini slug would also be an interior shot. Unless weíre seeing this from outside the car, but the mini slug wouldnít be INSIDE THE VEHICLE. No big deal, it didnít confuse me or anything nor do I think it would confuse anybody. Again, just a nitpick.

PAGE 27:


Quoted Text
MADAM TESS
Fuuu ---

And storms into the --

LIVING ROOM

MADAM TESS
Uck!!!!


Ha!

PAGE 28:


Quoted Text
KIMBERLY
Well, I know I ainít go no Elvis. Let me see if I have anything close.


Ainít ďgotĒ.

PAGE 33: Hmm, what year does this take place? Not sure if you need software to track a smart phone, you can usually just look it up online. Iíve lost mine a few times at bars and tracked it several times. You are right about shutting it off, you canít track it anymore, but it still tells you where itís location was when it was on.

PAGE 36: Ah, now I see why you gave MAX THE DRIVER a name.

PAGE 38:


Quoted Text
THERESA Sigmund Freud. (odd Kimberlyís surprise) We do have more than the Bible in our toolbox.


Think you meant ďoff Kimberlyís surpriseĒ in the wryly.

PAGE 40:


Quoted Text
HECTOR You know, the story ainít gonna fly if he knew Kimberly was a hooker.

SULLIVAN Donít be stupid. How in the fuck would he know that?

EXT. WHITE HONDA SUV Ė MOMENTS LATER

Max at the wheel, cool as a cucumber, despite the fact that Ė 39. Hectorís in the passenger seat with a gun pointed at Max as he shows him a pic of Kimberly on his smartphone.

MAX THE DRIVER
Oh, you mean the hooker.


Ha! Sweet set up and punchline for the transition.

Page 47:


Quoted Text
THERESA Well... (points at the counter) There were drinks and snacks too.


Ha, that made me laugh.

PAGE 53: Cool, now Sullivan has the cold. I like how every detail isnít wasted.

PAGE 73: Hector falling asleep, purposely giving Kimberly a head start Ė this is a great example of building strong character relationships, even in such a brief amount of time with supporting characters. We see earlier that Hector and Kimberly have somewhat of an affinity for one another, just by her kissing him on the cheek after flipping off the Madam when getting fired. This is great work.

PAGE 73: First Stella and then Captain Buford Ė Iíd like to think I played some part in you giving bit characters names

PAGE 84: Ha, a nice little subtle gag, Hector never being able to finish a meal. Weíll see if he gets to achieve that by storyís end.

PAGE 97: I was waiting for the rift in their relationship Ė nicely done, here. I almost forgot about how she made a face at the beginning in the Uber when hearing Theresa say her fatherís name.

PAGE 98:


Quoted Text
KIMBERLY That youíre becoming a Nun to because of your commitment to Miguel. Because youíre running away from life.


Typo Ė ďbecoming a Nun becauseĒ minus the ďtoĒ.

PAGE 102: Nice little twist here with her father only paying Kimberly to practice socializing with prospective dates.

PAGE 104:


Quoted Text
KIMBERLY Humbly? Cause itís going to take humble.


Not sure what that means.

Again, nice work, man!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Warren
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Quoted from spesh2k
I saw the page count and kinda was like, "Ah, fuck". But at 118 pages, it reads much faster than most 90 page scripts.


Haha, I said the exact same thing, but yes it's a breezy read.


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eldave1
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Quoted from spesh2k
Hey David,

Sorry it took so long to get this, had a few other projects to tend to.
-- Michael


Greatly appreciate you getting to it, Michael.

First thanks for the typos/grammar catches - it just effing amazes me how many times I can read my stuff and miss stuff like that - I think my brain is so wired to fill in the blanks sometimes I just get a blind spot.  


Quoted Text
So, this really isn't my preferred genre to read, though who doesn't like a good comedy? But I do admire those who can write well in genres I don't really explore (They Never Left was as close as I can really get to writing a dramedy). And, as a movie fan, some of my favorite comedies have been road flicks -- Dumb & Dumber, Kingpin, of course Trains, Planes & Automobiles, Little Miss Sunshine and my personal favorite, "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle".


All those were goodies. If you've never seen Midnight Run (Robert De Niro, Charles Grodin, Joe Pantoliano) I'd check it out - it's a classic with a fabulous cast.  


Quoted Text
I really enjoyed this script and think it would make a welcome addition to this comedy subgenre. It wasn't laugh out loud type of comedy, but I did find myself laughing, amused by the sharply written dialogue. And I really cared about these characters. This is a strength of the script -- excellent character building and building their relationships w/ side characters, even if not given too much screen time. And the characters, specifically Theresa and Kimberly, were very well rounded and three dimensional. It wasn't just hooker and nun jokes the whole time -- these two had a lot in common, are dealing with their own inner conflicts. Fantastic work!


Very cool - thanks.


Quoted Text
The set up was fantastic as each detail snowballed into what became the plot. My main gripe was that the rift between the main characters happened just a bit late in the script. And the resolution to that conflict seemed to come a little TOO easy, if that makes sense. They had the rift (Theresa finding out that her father paid for Kimberly's services), Theresa found out it wasn't what she thought and then she shows up at the airport and they're best of friends again within a pretty narrow time frame. In good roadtrip movies, there's always a major rift between the characters and the resolve offers a nice moment. That moment was missing here, IMO. I feel like the stronger the rift/conflict, the sweeter and more satisfying the resolve will be. I think when they're grabbing drinks and the two men at the hotel bar offer them wine, that would be a great place to begin the rift. I actually thought that was where the rift was going to start -- maybe Kimberly thinks about making a few extra bucks (perhaps she's running low on $). And maybe the time apart from Theresa in that time, we cut back and forth in contrasting scenes, each character deciding to make a decision of some sort. Maybe Kimberly bails out of having sex, I dunno. But you get the gist.


Yep - I get it. I think it is a fair point. But the bar scene with the two dudes comes at page 89. The rift, as written comes at page 96.  So there isn't much distance between those two scenes.  

I also have a logistical issue - Dad lives in Colorado and it is the rift that causes Theresa to make the spur of the moment decision to visit him. Colorado is logistically near the end of the trip. So I guess I can either move him to the midwest or - add an additional rift - though I am also a bit worried about page count. BUT - I get the point.


Quoted Text
To me, especially late in the script, there were so many more opportunities to create more conflicts during their journey outside of minor disagreements along the way. There were moments -- like when they get pulled over. But the resolve just happened way too easy each time. And the climax, when Detective Sullivan confronts them in LA, just felt anti-climactic. One way to make this payoff stronger is to maybe create just a little more angst and conflict between Hector and the Detective along the way. It's just about there, but not quite. Also, I think just having Hector whoop his ass isn't enough... Theresa and Kimberly really play no part in the resolve after all this build-up -- Detective Sullivan chases her all the way across the country and that strong set-up, all that time spent on the road... it just falls flat in the payoff to me. The conclusion is a satisfying, feel-good one that I enjoyed, also ending on a strong cathartic moment with Theresa. But it is (just nitpicking) a bit tooo schmaltzy IMO. When you introduce us to both characters, they meet in an Uber. It would be nice to end it with some kind of contrasting image or situation to their first meeting -- sorta like a bookend. I'm not saying it HAS to be like that, but it's a suggestion nevertheless. Also, it'd be nice to see what happened to some of the characters. I know Sullivan gets his ass kicked, but it'd be nice to see him get exposed -- could make for a more satisfying conclusion.


I'll rift on this - let me think about it. One of the issues I face with conflict is that I am dealing with a Nun, who by her nature is a forgiving and tolerant person. i.e., those things that are going to cause a rift/conflict between two normal people are not going to cause one here - just given Theresa's nature -  I'll let it percolate.


Quoted Text
But yeah, this was a very strong first draft. Well written of course. I saw the page count and kinda was like, "Ah, fuck". But at 118 pages, it reads much faster than most 90 page scripts. Not just because of the writing, but it was easy to get hooked into the plot and connect to these characters. But it hits a bit of a lull at the end of the 2nd act, going into the 3rd. I think if you address that part, this script could be damn near perfect for a work in this genre.  


Thanks.  Greatly appreciate the read and the comments, mate - a lot of food for thought for the next draft.



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eldave1
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Quoted from Warren


Haha, I said the exact same thing, but yes it's a breezy read.


Thanks, bud.


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Quoted Text
All those were goodies. If you've never seen Midnight Run (Robert De Niro, Charles Grodin, Joe Pantoliano) I'd check it out - it's a classic with a fabulous cast.


Yes, of course, another favorite of mine! Completely forgot to list that one. A great example of that odd couple dynamic, their differences clashing but their similarities kinda bringing them together.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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AlsoBen
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hi Dave thanks for sharing this

I'm starting this read today but I don't think I'm finishing it today, purely because I'm reading another script (nothing to do with quality).

The logline/premise is so perfectly ripe for comedy and is gripping enough but you've left it open for some pathos.

Page 1 -  "Sheís clad in a tight black cocktail dress that perfectly frames her rounded cleavage and sculpted calves." I understand that Kimberly is likely the sex worker character and it's important to establish that she's dressed provocatively, but would a male character get a description of how their body fits to their clothes (regardless of how they are dressed - and maybe he would?). Anyway that's all I'll say about that. It's not wrong, it's just a peeve of mine. And at least her dress comes back into play with the skeevy Max.

Page 4 - I respect getting down to business and wasting no time but boy oh boy do I find it hard to believe Kimberly just staright up tells Theresa "i'm a hooker". Hooker (the word) is kind of out of date these days and sex workers like Kimberly likely wouldn't use the word to describe themselves to a stranger. Maybe that's her character and maybe she isn't as high class as she seems, though. Happy to be wrong.

Page 5/6 - enjoyed max's commentary as  a joke esp. income tax joke.

Also - I know I said I found Kimberly's occupational drop a bit OTN, I like how quickly you've gotten us to a central conceit - like less than 5 pages. And it mostly is very smooth and visual and chatty (in a nice way).

Page 12 - loled at iceman cometh joke

page 15 - seeing plot gears turning... (also I love how chill and relaxed you've made the whole covenent (sp?) and all the nuns distinct in one page)

page 19 - you might have meant "under his arm" but missed a word.

page 22-24: I'm a little unclear here. The set up with the sex workers kind of indicates that it's a higher class joint. But Kimberly has zero money/savings and no where to go? No friends? If she being underpaid by the madam?  It just doesn't gel because (here I go again with the prostitute facts) escorts like Kimberly make tons of money and if Kimberly is broke it would either be because she blew all her money/sucks with saving (an interesting character quirk) or the situation with her madam is much darker and she's closer to a sex slave. Maybe you explain this later.

26: so Kimberly does have money (she offers to pay half)

31: ok more plot gears turning. the road trip movie/accidentally have the law on your tail/"framed for a crime" shtick. Not a bad thing at all. I'm just saying words now.

31 - there's space here for a missionary position/actual missionary joke or pun. I don't know what it would look like

OK I'm up to page 36 and I'm certainly enjoying myself enough to finish it later. So far there's nothing that bothers me (except for my apparent obsession with getting sex work factually accurate? Sorry. Also reading this just makes me understand how wild it is that the US won't decriminalize sex work. Like I mean obviously if it were legal you wouldn't have a plot but still). There's been a few moments where's I've laughed IRL and you've wasted no time getting the characters literally on the road and setting stuff in motion. I foresee lots of hijinks but I'm still hopefully there's something here that will surprise me

Thanks again Dave - it will be a pleasure to read this.



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eldave1
Posted: June 21st, 2020, 1:11am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AlsoBen
hi Dave thanks for sharing this

I'm starting this read today but I don't think I'm finishing it today, purely because I'm reading another script (nothing to do with quality).

The logline/premise is so perfectly ripe for comedy and is gripping enough but you've left it open for some pathos.

Page 1 -  "Sheís clad in a tight black cocktail dress that perfectly frames her rounded cleavage and sculpted calves." I understand that Kimberly is likely the sex worker character and it's important to establish that she's dressed provocatively, but would a male character get a description of how their body fits to their clothes (regardless of how they are dressed - and maybe he would?). Anyway that's all I'll say about that. It's not wrong, it's just a peeve of mine. And at least her dress comes back into play with the skeevy Max.

Page 4 - I respect getting down to business and wasting no time but boy oh boy do I find it hard to believe Kimberly just staright up tells Theresa "i'm a hooker". Hooker (the word) is kind of out of date these days and sex workers like Kimberly likely wouldn't use the word to describe themselves to a stranger. Maybe that's her character and maybe she isn't as high class as she seems, though. Happy to be wrong.

Page 5/6 - enjoyed max's commentary as  a joke esp. income tax joke.

Also - I know I said I found Kimberly's occupational drop a bit OTN, I like how quickly you've gotten us to a central conceit - like less than 5 pages. And it mostly is very smooth and visual and chatty (in a nice way).

Page 12 - loled at iceman cometh joke

page 15 - seeing plot gears turning... (also I love how chill and relaxed you've made the whole covenent (sp?) and all the nuns distinct in one page)

page 19 - you might have meant "under his arm" but missed a word.

page 22-24: I'm a little unclear here. The set up with the sex workers kind of indicates that it's a higher class joint. But Kimberly has zero money/savings and no where to go? No friends? If she being underpaid by the madam?  It just doesn't gel because (here I go again with the prostitute facts) escorts like Kimberly make tons of money and if Kimberly is broke it would either be because she blew all her money/sucks with saving (an interesting character quirk) or the situation with her madam is much darker and she's closer to a sex slave. Maybe you explain this later.

26: so Kimberly does have money (she offers to pay half)

31: ok more plot gears turning. the road trip movie/accidentally have the law on your tail/"framed for a crime" shtick. Not a bad thing at all. I'm just saying words now.

31 - there's space here for a missionary position/actual missionary joke or pun. I don't know what it would look like

OK I'm up to page 36 and I'm certainly enjoying myself enough to finish it later. So far there's nothing that bothers me (except for my apparent obsession with getting sex work factually accurate? Sorry. Also reading this just makes me understand how wild it is that the US won't decriminalize sex work. Like I mean obviously if it were legal you wouldn't have a plot but still). There's been a few moments where's I've laughed IRL and you've wasted no time getting the characters literally on the road and setting stuff in motion. I foresee lots of hijinks but I'm still hopefully there's something here that will surprise me

Thanks again Dave - it will be a pleasure to read this.



Thanks for reading, mate. I think you'll find the money issue resolved when you get to Kentucky.  We'll see


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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AlsoBen
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Still finishing this. Thanks again for sharing it Dave.

Not gonna do line by lines anymore as I don't think you need them.

General statements:

It's not immediately clear why Sullivan and Hector need to "tail" them in a car if they know where they're going to end up (the destination in LA would have been known to the nuns). Why not meet them there? You do start to explain this but it's a little writerly and convenient.

It takes about 50 pages for the Theresa and Kimberly characters to really come out. By that I mean, up until then it's not clear what they're "like" beyond their occupations. Theresa is painted as both worldly (for a Nun) but also very naive and conservative (the scene with the misconception about a BJ). It sometimes jars. And Kimberly is a bit of a cipher considering we're halfway through the script. She likes drinking a little bit, swears, and is a free-spirit type. But we don't anything about her background yet (conversely, we know Theresa's stuff with her Dad). I know this comes later but it would be good to get this stuff earlier on. The script is still compelling due to your writing so the lack of character investment isn't a huge issue but it's good to have it anyway.

Saying that, I did find Kimberly's accidental first time pretty funny. It's a tried-and-true trope - the misunderstanding, two people talking about different things - and very Three's Company but you use it well.

pg. 59 - attendant asks "do you have A time", think you meant THE time? Unless that's a local language thing.

Also laughed out loud at Kimberly making Theresa sleep in the pig's bed.


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eldave1
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Quoted Text
Still finishing this. Thanks again for sharing it Dave.


Thanks - much appreciated.


Quoted Text
It's not immediately clear why Sullivan and Hector need to "tail" them in a car if they know where they're going to end up (the destination in LA would have been known to the nuns). Why not meet them there? You do start to explain this but it's a little writerly and convenient.


Because they want the phone back ASAP fearful that Kimberly would exploit the damaging information on it somewhere between New York and LA. I suppose I could get rid of them showing up at the convent entirely so they don't have a clue as to location - but I really think I'm okay here. I may have to re-visit if I get similar comments.


Quoted Text
It takes about 50 pages for the Theresa and Kimberly characters to really come out. By that I mean, up until then it's not clear what they're "like" beyond their occupations. Theresa is painted as both worldly (for a Nun) but also very naive and conservative (the scene with the misconception about a BJ). It sometimes jars. And Kimberly is a bit of a cipher considering we're halfway through the script. She likes drinking a little bit, swears, and is a free-spirit type. But we don't anything about her background yet (conversely, we know Theresa's stuff with her Dad). I know this comes later but it would be good to get this stuff earlier on. The script is still compelling due to your writing so the lack of character investment isn't a huge issue but it's good to have it anyway.


I take your point, but I don't really agree - this is intended to be a slow-roll revieal character.  Basically, my objective was to send two stereotypes on a road trip - and through the course of the trip, unpeel those stereotypes. When they start on the trip, they are virtually strangers and I think the inner reveals need to be paced commensurate with that. Long winded way of saying that I kind of think the opposite - i.e., that too quick of a reveal of their inner characters would create an unnatural pace given the circumstances.


Quoted Text
Saying that, I did find Kimberly's accidental first time pretty funny. It's a tried-and-true trope - the misunderstanding, two people talking about different things - and very Three's Company but you use it well.


Thanks


Quoted Text
pg. 59 - attendant asks "do you have A time", think you meant THE time? Unless that's a local language thing.


Written as intended. Local language thing.


Quoted Text
Also laughed out loud at Kimberly making Theresa sleep in the pig's bed.


Thanks

I appreciate the read and the comments, Ben - thanks!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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AlsoBen
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No problem dave. Just to be clear Iím still reading so expect some more from me!


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eldave1
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Quoted from AlsoBen
No problem dave. Just to be clear Iím still reading so expect some more from me!


Cool


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AlsoBen
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OK I finished this up

The only overall "issue" is something that's more of a personal preference of mine, and is not really constructive. I was just kind of hoping for something that turned the genre on it's side. It's really clean and pretty much there's nothing I'd say makes this not worth pursuing, and I don't even think - as is - that it's needs further re drafts at all. But I would have loved to see this be something that starts out like a really typical buddy road trip movie with all the tropes, digging for that humor, and then end in a really different place. But that's just me - otherwise this is really serviceable and reads like a pro script.

I liked the poignancy of Kimberly and Theresa's strong relationship and how it builds throughout the script. Even though I still feel lit comes later in the script than necessary, Kimberly's character is really sweet and her background makes for a nice contrast to the comedy. Theresa is just a wholesome character who I liked being around.

You didn't go to any really "gross" places despite the plot revolving around sex workers and I think a lazier writer would have tried to draw more humour out of a naive Nun being around a sex worker, and the sex worker being really shameless/gross or just too exuberant.

Really fun read - sorry it took  me a week or two, but that had nothing to do with quality at all. Thanks Dave


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eldave1
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Quoted from AlsoBen
OK I finished this up

The only overall "issue" is something that's more of a personal preference of mine, and is not really constructive. I was just kind of hoping for something that turned the genre on it's side. It's really clean and pretty much there's nothing I'd say makes this not worth pursuing, and I don't even think - as is - that it's needs further re drafts at all. But I would have loved to see this be something that starts out like a really typical buddy road trip movie with all the tropes, digging for that humor, and then end in a really different place. But that's just me - otherwise this is really serviceable and reads like a pro script.

I liked the poignancy of Kimberly and Theresa's strong relationship and how it builds throughout the script. Even though I still feel lit comes later in the script than necessary, Kimberly's character is really sweet and her background makes for a nice contrast to the comedy. Theresa is just a wholesome character who I liked being around.

You didn't go to any really "gross" places despite the plot revolving around sex workers and I think a lazier writer would have tried to draw more humour out of a naive Nun being around a sex worker, and the sex worker being really shameless/gross or just too exuberant.

Really fun read - sorry it took  me a week or two, but that had nothing to do with quality at all. Thanks Dave


Thank you, Ben! - Glad you enjoyed it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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AlsoBen
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No problem! Thanks for reading my feature draft - it's been really helpful


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eldave1
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Quoted from AlsoBen
No problem! Thanks for reading my feature draft - it's been really helpful


Glad it helped


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