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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Slow-Motion Car Crash Moderators: bert
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  Author    Slow-Motion Car Crash  (currently 266 views)
Don
Posted: July 5th, 2020, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Slow-Motion Car Crash by Ben Clifford - Comedy, Romantic Comedy - A self-absorbed, narcissistic young writer implodes his life in an attempt to get his ex-boyfriend back - despite the fact that his ex left him for a young and (objectively much better) woman. When the woman is cast on the same TV he writes for, all hell breaks loose for everyone.  91 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Xavier
Posted: July 5th, 2020, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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Itís rare that I come across a feature length script on here and decide to read it, even rarer still that once I start reading I just canít put it down. Because Wow! this was a refreshing read. A very well thought out, witty and funny story. Although the story just kinda ends on page 91, it is mostly a great read. I thought the dialogue was realistic and the characters themselves werenít just exaggerated versions of stereotypes as youíd imagine from a story the revolves around mainly Gay and Bi-Sexual people. Theyíre also complex and motivate, that is up until the final conflict on the last few pages when every single character seems to turn on their own beliefs theyíve had through out the whole story. The ending has its issues but over all itís an amazing script.


Those who believe that they are the best, the most popular, the go to guy, those are usually the ones who need the most help.
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AlsoBen
Posted: July 6th, 2020, 5:11am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Xavier


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AlsoBen
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 5:25am Report to Moderator
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Willing to swap feedback for this one - another one I'm wanting to redraft


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BSaunders
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 11:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ben, I've read the first 7 pages and I'm sold. A breeze. Love the dialogue, man. Awesome stuff.

I don't have time right now, but I'll have time over the weekend to read all of it!

Hope you're well.
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AlsoBen
Posted: July 9th, 2020, 3:31am Report to Moderator
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Sounds awesome! Another South East Queenslander, too!


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danbotha
Posted: July 9th, 2020, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Ben,

I enjoyed reading this one. Really good dialogue throughout and a story that kept me laughing. I agree with Xavier about the ending. It seems like you wrap this one up quite quickly and I'd like to see you tease out that final conflict a bit more.

Other than that, this one had me laughing out loud quite a lot, especially the moment when you straight up just refuse to write a joke and then this lil gem on page 61:

"Ishmael, forlorn, sits on his childhood bed. He looks at three hangings on the wall: one is a semi-ironic Cosby Show poster, a Usual Suspects poster featuring Kevin Spacey prominently, and another poster for an early Louis C.K special.

ISHMAEL
Hmmm..."

Love it!


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AlsoBen
Posted: July 10th, 2020, 4:34am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Dan! Certainly getting that impression about the ending. Appreciate the feedback.


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BSaunders
Posted: July 11th, 2020, 2:20am Report to Moderator
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Hey mate, enjoyed this one. Very easy read. First thing I noticed was the dialogue. Great stuff. Each character has their own voice and that's a big thing. There is no corny moments or lines even though these types of characters are quite common and so easily mirrored in movies nowadays. It was refreshing.

As for the story, I think you've done well. You kept me engaged and it never got stale. The story moved at a first class pace and something new was always around the corner. I could definetly see this as an Indie film.

On the ending: You maybe could end it with a pretty bow, but I think it works as is. It's esscentrically itself throughout and the ending suits it.

Keep it up man, this is awesome work.

Just some typos:

Page 45 - Charlie doesn't SEE Ishmael straight away.

Page 48 - Ishamel: I can't believe THAT was the nicest way -

Page 61 - Patience enters? Meant to say Charlie?

Page 81 - You were so GREAT, Baby -
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AlsoBen
Posted: July 11th, 2020, 5:19am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Bsaunders (sorry I donít know your first name)!

Glad to see you enjoyed this - some of the feedback Iíve gotten about the characters themselves have been super mixed. Did you find it it all hard to finish readingas a result of how horrible everyone was?

I think Iím probably still going to add an epilogue to tie things up but appreciate you feel it works as is.


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BSaunders
Posted: July 11th, 2020, 6:05am Report to Moderator
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No, haha. If anyone found it hard to read because there was no "nice" characters in it, they should stick to reading Teletubby scripts
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AlsoBen
Posted: July 18th, 2020, 2:57am Report to Moderator
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Hahah thanks B!


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