Ninfia & Tiky by Jacob S. Lee - Comedy, Musical, Western - A former San Francisco hairdresser encounters havoc in a Western town while on vacation and befriends an unusual creature. 84 pages

Synopsis - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I’ll address the problems first:

On the bottom of page 13, You have Tiki “proceeds around the are.” I think you meant area.

Near the bottom of page 26, Barbary says, “How are enjoying your food?”.  I think it’s, “How are you enjoying your food.”

Near the bottom of page 27, Ninfia asks Barbara, “Have you saved up the money for this place?” It reads a little weird. It sounds like Barbary hasn’t bought the diner yet. Perhaps you meant, “How did you save up the money for this place?” It was worth pointing out.

Spoiler alert

The biggest issue is that on page 72, Tiki suddenly has a halo. I realize that’s a surprise in the story but it doesn’t suddenly appear. It’s just suddenly there and doing something with no introduction or description. You need a line that goes something like, “A yellow halo suddenly appears above Tiki.” I stopped reading and did a search to see at what point did miss the description about Tiki having a halo. I came to the conclusion that it just appeared at that moment and that you simply need to announce it.

Now I’ll address what I liked:

I liked the colorful graphics on the title page. It’s a nice change of pace from the plain vanilla I am used to. The actual colors in my opinion need to be worked on. I understand that the colors chosen for the individual names mean something. The color used for the outline needs to be played with so that Tiki’s name stands out as well as Ninfia’s. Right now, Tiki is a little hard to read. The design itself is very good.

I liked the concept of the story.  While your log line does not mention this as an animated feature, it didn’t take long before I started to see it that way. I don’t know if that is what you intended.

The story was vivid and over the top just like the characters. They were brilliant and likeable. I felt like a kid reading this. It was like The Brave Little Toaster meets Rudolf. I cared about the characters. I was scared at the right places. I laughed at the funny parts like the crash in the closet.

Normally I don’t like transitions in spec scripts but in this case, so what. To each their own.  This was a delightful story and a fun read.