Experiment :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

I was drawn to this story because my family history traces back to West Virginia.

I liked the originality of this story. It works as a comedy. I liked the scene in the restroom with Adam and the Plumber on page 32. It was pretty funny.

The format of the script is good and the story flowed nicely. It had a nice ending.

I did find some things I could provide helpful comments about:

Don’t use Microsoft Word. Your margins are set correctly however in a couple of places, they are not. Also, there are widow/orphan problems throughout. These are places where a character is separated from their dialog or a scene heading is separated from its scene. Also, there are places where a piece of a sentence continues onto the next page. Trying to keep on top of that using Word can be daunting. I tried using Word and having to fix the widow/orphan problems anytime I added a line was frustrating.

Switching to a screenwriting software package takes care of this and many other problems like page numbers and margin settings. Problems like the margins of Adam’s dialog at the top of page 43 will rarely happen. There a several software packages available at different prices. There are a few that are free. You should be able to import your Word file and play around with the formatting. I did this with a 160 page file that reduced to a 140 page file and took about two happy hours.

Don’t include the synopsis in the same document as your scripts. If you feel you need it, save it in a separate file and submit that file as a treatment when posting it. At the very least, it messes up the page
numbers in your script. FYI – I used the page numbers posted on the pages I commented on.

I suggest breaking up your action text into paragraphs no longer than 4 lines. This makes It easier to read. It’s just a suggestion, not a rule.

You need to avoid passive verbs, verbs that end in “ing”. You follow this rule most of the time so I suspect I am telling you something you already know. At the top of page 43, people carry packages. Helen walks her dog. Carrying packages and walking her dog reads more like a novel, not a script.

Hillbilly is one word. “Billy” in this case is not a name and does not need to be capitalized.

On page 8 you have a long parenthetical. Parentheticals, especially ones in dialog, should be on their own line and should be short. The one on page 8 is imbedded in Adam’s dialog. It should be pulled out and written as action text.

On page 11, “mis-handles” is one word. It’s mishandles.

At the bottom of page 45, you start a phone call with Cindy speaking but not in the room. If her voice is coming from the phone which I think it is, (V.O.) should appear next to Cindy’s name. Some people say it should be (V.O.). I am with the understanding that V.O. refers to dialog that the audience hears but not the characters. If the characters hear it, I think it should be O.C.

On page 58, there is a line of action text that begins with, “Helen beats T-Bone with a stick…” that ends with a meaning I don’t think you intended. While this is a comedy, and the line made me laugh hysterically, the action, as written, is wholesomely inappropriate. I think you meant to say that T-Bone tries to get the dog off of him. This is more than a typo. The sentence needs to be rewritten.

Try not to explain things in your action text. Let the context of the situation do the explaining. Let T-Bone limp away from his encounter with the ostriches. In later scenes, point out that he walks with a limp. You shouldn’t tell us why he limps. We can figure it out. The audience has to, unless you have a narrator or a character provide the explanation. It’s called the “Show, don’t Tell” rule. If you can’t point a camera at it or a microphone cannot record it, it shouldn’t be in your action text.

I hope you find my comments helpful.
I suspect this is your first script. If it is, this is a very good first effort.