Ballad of Dwight Fry Revisited by Frank Dellipoala - Comedy - John a screenwriter, escapes from a London insane asylum. He travels to Hollywood to meet a movie producer... it doesn't go well, until he meets a stranger.    31 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This is a delightful story. John is a well-rounded character with a funny, sarcastic wit.

I was confused a little bit about how John got out of the hospital. I’m guessing that Bridget let him out. If this is a work-in-progress, something that could be worked on is the need for a little bit of background into why someone with slender, female hands would let him out. If there are hints as to who or why, I missed them.

I like the dialog between John and Billie. She sounded young, like a police officer that hadn’t been on the job long and hadn’t put up with much nonsense yet.

I also liked the air marshal.

This brings us to a couple of format and typo problems that take place on the flight:

On page 14 and further on, you have a scene heading, “EXT. LOO”. I know what you are trying to do in locating the scene outside the restroom. However, you are still indoors in an airplane. The correct scene heading would be, “INT. OUTSIDE LOO”

I’m only mentioning this because I was a little lost as to what was happening. I was especially lost when the scene heading was, “EXT. OUTSIDE LOO” and then the marshal searched the restroom. I came to the conclusion that the camera was outside the restroom and that the marshal stepped in, looked around and returned.

The typo I caught was at the bottom of page 17. Billie says, “So your changing your choice…”.  You used the wrong “you’re”. I don’t like nitpicking but since I appreciate people helping me with my typos, I like to pay it forward

The writing is clean and it reads fairly fast. The story has my kind of situational, dialog-based humor. I liked this story.

Hi Frank.  What are you on? I want some of that before I begin to write my next project.

I took the opportunity to read this inanely imaginative piece of of comedic genius and from page to page I laughed as it played out. Insane asylum in England to LA is a unique idea. Love the Tom Hanks joke and John's wit throughout.

Thanks for highlighting Two Moons - Really?

Pink Floyd and Incandescence? Hahaa... Brilliant!

You have a level of imagination that cannot be ignored. I thought it was only me that had lost his mind. Haha.

For me the dialogue was hilarious. I wondered at times if I was your protagonist and unproduced screenwriter, aftrer all it was my script that was the issue here, right? - apart from John's disenfranchised state of mind.

I hope to chew over the fat with you in LA one day. This one won't be forgotten and I will read again when I'm feeling frustrated with my life and where it isn't going.

Great job Frank. You have my vote.  Hahaha...

Michael and John,

If I were to add a title to this reply, it would be; "Screenwriters Just Want To Have Fun."
I just wanted to write a short story, and have fun with it, instead of it taking ten years for me to finish the thing.

I seem to have a tiny bit of an imagination. But for screenplay format, spelling, and grammar... I suck. But I tell you, it seems that sometimes when I try to write in perfect form, and I leave my office for just a minute, some "entity" (probably sent by one of my ex-wives) comes in and messes with my keyboard, trying to make me look bad. It adds commas, and apostrophes where they don't belong, along with changing my format around. I need to add a fail-safe password on my computer. But...

... I do follow your corrections, this is invaluable to me. Because when Harrison Ford comes into my office near the set, I don't want him to say; "What's up with this? Am I in the loo or not? I need corrected directions."
This is where I get into an argument with Harrison Ford, and they escort me off the set, due to "creative differences." Oh yeah, they also pull my WGA card at the same time. Never argue with someone who makes more money than you do.

Well, regarding John's escape from the hospital, I rushed it. I thought John being pumped full of medication, it could of been a ghost hallucination. And remember, John did steal the master door key from Dr. Ozzy. But I did get a little strange with the escape, and inserted another beautiful woman (hallucination) besides Bridget, sorry, my bad. Us writers tend to get caught up in our stories.

And yes John, you are the protagonist in this story.

I'm a Christ believer, and I'm kept grounded. So can you imagine if I wasn't grounded?

EPILOGUE/MUSIC/END CREDITS

Memory escapes me on who, but a well known writer had said that a script is never finished. Even when it's in the can, and the movie is up on the silver screen. There are always changes needed to be made. So I do believe a screenplay is always a work-in-progress.  

Thanks, future (paid) writers of Hollywood.
                                                                                                                    FADE TO BLACK

Harrison Ford (in the loo or not) Ha!  I agree with the last part of your reply, that a screenplay is never finished, and that’s why I almost always go back and take another look. My stage play tutor once said to me. Write the damn thing, stick in a folder then go back three weeks later and edit it, but never ever try to change it.

Harrison Ford? I was thinking Dwayne Johnson as the air marshal.

As for the hallucination idea of the escape, (great idea) I would have her be in the room when he awakens. He would float above the floor when she then grabs his hand and pulls him to the door. She would tell him to pull out the key and guide his hand to the lock. When he opens the door, his feet touch the floor. He looks back into the padded cell and she's gone. Just a suggestion. I'm sure you can do better.

If you're going to go the hallucination route, you need to go all out, like Sgt. Pepper or Syd Barrett; not just a thin, feminine hand.