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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  A Beautiful Dream Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 27th, 2009, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Beautiful Dream by Kim Britt (screen_dreamer) - Drama - A young woman devastated by the tragic death of her fiance thinks she has survived the worst life has to offer, only to find that her toughest battle lies ahead. 108 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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bert  -  May 28th, 2009, 6:50am
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michel
Posted: May 28th, 2009, 3:06am Report to Moderator
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I think I'm gonna give a read. Sounds interesting.


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screen_dreamer
Posted: May 28th, 2009, 4:53am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Michel.  Can't wait to hear what you think of it.  It's my first shot at drama and I'm not sure if I pulled it off or not.

Oh and for the record, it's A Beautiful Dream, not Dreamer.  I must've been in a hurry and misspelled it lol
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michel
Posted: May 29th, 2009, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Kim
I have no much time reading but I will as promised. So my comments will occur by episods.

I read so far the first 10 pages. I like your style and the format is good. Anyway, I'm gonna try to review your script without giving too much spoilers. I hope you will understand my overtones.

The first big event IMO happens too late. It should be before page 10. You should cut some of the dialogs and shorten a bit the party.

page 10: instead of CRASH, maybe you should fade to black and then notify the crash rumble. I think the effect would be more effective.

That's all for tonight. To be continued

Michel


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screen_dreamer
Posted: May 30th, 2009, 5:37am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your help so far.  The thing is, there is such little screen time for Nathan that I thought it was necessary to spend a little while getting to know his character.  But I see what you're saying.  I'll try to tighten it up.  

Looking forward to the next installment lol
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michel
Posted: May 30th, 2009, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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I understand, but the way you introduce Nathan, we don't care about him. Besides Sam's love for him, for us he's just a drunkard.

Kim, sorry if my review will take a long time, but I'm a slow reader, and as English is not my first language, I try to focus more than usual. Okay,, let's rock...

page 16 Mind your sluglines (HALLWAYS or SAM'S ROOM) Do you use FD? Otherwise add one more line before. (I won't note for the next ones)

Page  17 you deliver a big surprise but we didn't have a clue before. How does Matt know? I had to reread the first pages in case I missed something. Of course, page 2, Matt said "You're not supposed to be drinking." That's all. But there's no surprise on sam's face when Matt told her.
Again, who's Jean. Never heard of her before. (it should be "ask your mother.")

page 18 A CRASH of metal and glass RESOUNDS

Page 22 rather a flashback than a dream

page 27 Jean talks twice- I think it should be Matt's line.

That's all for tonight. Hope it'll help

Michel


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screen_dreamer
Posted: May 30th, 2009, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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Great notes.

I'm not sure what you mean about the sluglines.  I use a free online software called Script Buddy.  I'm working my way up to FD lol
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michel
Posted: June 1st, 2009, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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Kim,

I'm up to pages 40s, and I'm sorry but I think I'm gonna stop here. There are some very nice scenes (I loved the one when Nathan proposed her in the pool) You're a talented writer, no problem about it, but even if there's a story here, the main issues are the characters.

Sam, although her grief is not a nice heroin. The way she disliked Raines made me uneasy. She's her daughter for Christ's sake! Even in her situation, no mother would act like this with her own kid.

Matt sounds no sympathetic anymore. After his meeting with Dr Renata, I realized he actually was selfish. Why does he act the way he does with Raines if he knows his future?

I hope you'll get what I mean and hold grudges against me. It's my own opinion, and I may be wrong. I'd like to be wrong, because till then I liked what I read. But the characters worked against you.

I'm ready for any discussion to make me feel to keeep on reading.

Michel


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screen_dreamer
Posted: June 1st, 2009, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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Michel,

You're entitled to your own opinion and if your instincts are telling you not to read further, then don't.   I'm not gonna beg you to read the rest, but I am curious to know why wanting to get to know your niece before you die makes you selfish.  Should people with a terminal illness lock themselves away so as not to inconvenience anyone with their suffering?

And for the record, Sam does not "dislike" her daughter.  She finds it hard to be around her b/c she reminds her so much of Nathan.  But that's something you would have to read past page 40 to find out.  She never mistreats her, at least not in my opinion, and more than makes up for it in the end.

Anyway, thanks for giving it a shot.
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screenplay_novice
Posted: June 5th, 2009, 2:13am Report to Moderator
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I just finished your script and I think it was nicely written. You have some very good dialogue written for your characters which I like. Good dialogue goes a long way with me. I would like to see some more interaction with Nathan though, maybe a scene or two that expresses his personality a bit more. Also, I'd like to see some motherly interaction with Sam and Rain, at first your character of Sam comes across as an emotional neglecter. I read on further to see how her attitude was going to change towards her and it really doesn't show them as a real mother and daughter until the end in the cemetery.
The tension between Sam and Matts family was well written. Over all, I don't think it was a bad script and was good for your first attempt at drama. I write action pieces, not sure how I'd do with drama myself. I did read your script from beginning to end in one sitting, which I don't often do, but your script was written well enough and the characters were compellingly real. I enjoyed it. I think it would be a good idea to enter into a contest or something. It couldn't hurt.
There are some typing snafus in there in a few places. I suggest reading through your script again so that you can pick them out and correct them, especially if take my advise and enter into a competition. I have to reread my scripts all of the time because sometimes I leave a word out of a sentence or for some strange reason I'll write a sentence twice or repeat a single word in the same sentence. It get s frustrating!
But I liked it. The formatting is as it should be. I'd like you to read The Complete Idiots Guide To Screenwriting or Screenwriting For Dummies. I read both of them and then went out and bought a couple of script books. Even though I have a program that paginates everything for me, I wanted to know what exactly why a script needs to look the way it does. Either of those books are perfect for this purpose. Read as many scripts as you can too!
Again I liked it. I think you did a pretty good job.
If you get a chance, I'd like for you to read my script, called Ragman: The Tatterdemalion Defender and let me know if you like it. Leave me as much feed back as possible. It was my first attempt at writing a script. Thanks.

Jerry  


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screen_dreamer
Posted: June 5th, 2009, 2:30am Report to Moderator
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Jerry,

Thanks for giving my script a read.  I appreciate your thoughts on it, especially what you think needs improving.  That'll really be helpful when I decide to rewrite.  I'm working on 2 scripts simultaneously right now, so it won't be any time soon, but I'll come back to your review when I do.

Thanks again!

Kim
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michel
Posted: June 5th, 2009, 2:51am Report to Moderator
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Kim,

hope you don't have any hard feelings about my review. However, I will be glad to read your rewrite. I've paged through the rest of the script anyway, so I'd compare.

Michel


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PabloM
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Raine, she is terrific, the plotline looks like to me more adapted to tv novel than filmic, it doesn't shallow the cliffs which their characters and relationship involves within. Yes; thei all were real characters for me. Thanks.

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LC  -  October 25th, 2019, 4:59pm
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BarryJohn
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Hi All...

I agree with Screen-Dreamer, re- her reply to Michel.
WE QUICK TO JUDGE BEFORE READING TO THE END.

Every story has a start that leads to an end - its the in-between that tells the end.

PS: I've not yet read your script ~ but will... to the END
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LC
Posted: October 31st, 2019, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from BarryJohn

PS: I've not yet read your script ~ but will... to the END

Kim is a terrific writer. Just be aware Barry that this thread is ten years old and I know she hasn't been back to post on SS for quite some time, so any feedback might be in vain.

My advice would be to keep it short to begin with and see if a response is forthcoming.


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