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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  I Feel The Heart Next To Me Moderators: bert
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  Author    I Feel The Heart Next To Me  (currently 2786 views)
Don
Posted: April 1st, 2011, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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I Feel The Heart Next To Me by Talent - Drama, Comedy, Romance - SHAUN a married man, maintainance his responsibilities in loving his pregnant wife while his best friend RICKY enjoys the pleasure of lust. At the end its up to you to decide love or lust. 134 pages - pdf, format


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leitskev
Posted: April 1st, 2011, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Lately I feel good about my log lines.

I have to assume English is the second language in some of these. If that is the case, you really do have my respect for your accomplishment in writing a feature in a language that is not native. Maybe someone here can help you out.

But whether English is the native language or not, you really should get someone to proof read, someone who is fluid with English. You might have a great future as a screenwriter, the obstacles in this field are high enough already without adding language and grammar problems.
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Talent
Posted: April 4th, 2011, 5:23am Report to Moderator
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I see what you can't

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thank you man, it a pleasure to sight on your comment for they with elevate me in the future, I'm 19 with a heart of a forty year old, nothing will fail me.
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 4th, 2011, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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Ummm...

Hmmm...

I may have said this before, but I'll say it again here...this just may be the single worst logline I've ever seen.

It really doesn't matter what language you speak or write in.  Based on how this log reads, no one, and I repeat, no one is going to open this script up unless they're looking for a laugh.

I'm sorry, cause I know how mean that sounds, but it's the truth.  You need to work with someone who can help you with translating from whatever language to English.
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Trojan
Posted: April 5th, 2011, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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Jeff, do you think it's fair to comment on the logline without reading the entire script? C'mon man, it's only 134 pages for you to read!  

Ok but seriously, Talent, you need to get a native English speaker to edit this for you. What you think you are communicating and what you are actually communicating are two completely different things, as very little in this script makes any sense in its current form. There may be a story there, but it's too hard to decipher at the moment.

Cheers,
Tim.
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 5th, 2011, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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Tim, it's fair now, as I read the opening passage, which is unreadable.  The opening Slug - "Long Angle" - tells me everything I need to know about this script.
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Trojan
Posted: April 5th, 2011, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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Jeff I really think you are missing out here. Consider this description, 'Ricky is tall, premature with a sense of enjoying life without any threat of boundaries.'

That's the first time I've seen a character's sexual inadequacies included in their description. Unless of course the writer wants us to know that he was born prematurely.
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Talent
Posted: April 5th, 2011, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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Tim, Thanks man, i will work on edit my extremely editing my work, i usually write with a mind of getting the story open then relax to hear what they will say about it,... whether it builts or demolish I will keep moving forward I'M UNSTOPPABLE... PASSION MADE ME..........
Talent...
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leitskev
Posted: April 5th, 2011, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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Talent, don't be discouraged. If you are 19, that determined, and are able to complete a feature length script in English when it is not your native language, there is much reason to be hopeful. Much!

But Jeff is right that no one will read it, and you need reads. And if you are going to do a movie in English, you will need to master English I would think.

If I could make a suggestion: submit some shorts here. People will give them a chance, give you feedback. This will help you while you are mastering English.

Jeff is only helping you with his honest comments. Good luck!
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Talent
Posted: April 5th, 2011, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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I see what you can't

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Dreamscale, I understand your sight, it's pretty amazing what you write and it really shows me what I have to avoid in order to make it big, first keep the script simple, second read it and try to understand, then understand before you try... understand is what makes you see or recognize the mistakes... you're on page one if you flew to page 130,i will on the same sight with you.........QUICK TO JUDGEMENT BUILDS NEGATIVITY...
Talent........................
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 5th, 2011, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I'm sorry for saying what I'm saying in the vein I'm saying it in...cause that's not right, and I apologize.

But this comes off as a comedy, based on the way it's worded, and it just ain't gonna fly, brother.  I'm sorry.  Never give up, though.
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dogglebe
Posted: April 5th, 2011, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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Talent, I think you will have a problem getting anyone to read this script.  English is, apparently, not your first language.  This shows in your script as well as your posts.  You may have better luck finding a similar site in your home country.

Good luck with it.


Phil
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Talent
Posted: April 5th, 2011, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Jeff,,,By PREMATURE I meant that RICKY he's not mature in thinking, he doesn't see the future in his life, he lives to enjoy the moment without bringing it to sense.... premature is not necessarily seven months, it a state of not meeting the standards of being real
Talent
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Talent
Posted: April 5th, 2011, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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I see what you can't

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Phil, i get you man but that script i wrote it then i asked someone to read it before i sent it all that wasn't said then when I placed it on the site time wasn't on my side, speed kills, i understand.
Talent
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Talent
Posted: April 5th, 2011, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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I see what you can't

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Cool Dreamscale, i will scale my dream too, help in a good way not with a huge rock on top of my head.... I appreciate your words, they are currently helping on the script that i'm writing now, It's a ACTION COMEDY i'm on page 58 and on the other its a ACTION CRIME i'm on page 64, i hope you will read then soon.....
Talent....
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