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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  A Rare Kind of Revenge Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Rare Kind of Revenge  (currently 185 views)
Don
Posted: December 11th, 2019, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Rare Kind of Revenge by Nekrasov Alexey - Drama - Doghunters and animal defenders forget their disagreements and try together to find a way out of a trap, organized by a man, who turned into a maniac because of a personal tragedy. He prepared a rare kind of revenge for an offender for his childish dido that occurred a quarter of century ago. 96 pages

treatment - pdf format

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eldave1
Posted: December 12th, 2019, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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This script has a few issues out of the gate. However, I only read and comment on scripts where the writer  responds to the comments made.  Let me know if you're here by responding to this.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: December 16th, 2019, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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There are some few problems in the translation - I know that must be a tough task. Anyway:

EXT. A COUNTRY ROAD – DAYTIME

By the side of the road, there is a pack of homeless dogs
basking in the sun. A truck is driving by, the dogs jump up,
start barking.

Not very efficient writing and in an active voice by getting rid of the ing words. Try something like:

EXT. A COUNTRY ROAD – DAYTIME

A pack of homeless DOGS bask in the sun.

A truck approaches. The dogs jump up, BARK.

Here:


Quoted Text
Behind the truck there is a car going, a driver is trying to
bypass the animal, but fails and is going to the oncoming lane,
where a terrible accident takes place.


You need a more details - what is the accident? And again, avoid the ing words. e.g.,

The driver tries to bypass the animal.

Is beter


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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