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  Author    The Surge  (currently 516 views)
Don
Posted: April 1st, 2021, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Surge by Steven Clark - Drama, Comedy - While writing a piece for a small-town paper, an aging journalist discovers the fountain of youth at local farm stand. But things get complicated when he falls for the owner's younger sister, and finds himself in a race against time to save her. 92 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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SteveClark
Posted: April 1st, 2021, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for posting, Don!

So, anyone who takes a chance on this, aside from the usual, insightful feedback, I'm looking for areas where I can stretch this out. Any places where you think I might need more. Also, I'm thinking that the Ellen character isn't developed enough. Basically, whatever you can come up with. Thanks again!

Very strange, the draft I wrote this one off of was 117 pages, and somehow this one turned out 93 pages. I did do a lot of trimming, but I don't remember doing that much!

Steve


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LC
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Stevo! I don't/didn't really have time, but you got me good.
A very fast, easy read.

Notes will be at you later, or tomorrow morning, Oz time.

P.S. Short answer is I do agree Ellen's character is under-developed.  She and Larry went from not much to consumation and falling in love in the blink of an eye. You could/should get more mileage out of that imho, so I feel more for her especially...

More later.


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SteveClark
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Libby, thanks for reading! Iím glad it got you.

Iíd like to add at least four scenes to this, bring the page count up by at least ten. Currently going over it for tweaks and such. Very much look forward to your notes!


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Grandma Bear
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I read either the beginning of this or the short awhile back. Happy to see you finished the feature!

Just one question. Why The Surge? Is it important to the story? Reason I'm asking is you can't hardly turn on the news these days without hearing about the surge, but not in a good way. It's either the surge in covid cases or the surge of migrants at the border. For that reason, I think there's a possibility it paints the wrong picture in a potential reader's mind before they even read the logline.


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SteveClark
Posted: April 2nd, 2021, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I read either the beginning of this or the short awhile back. Happy to see you finished the feature!

Just one question. Why The Surge? Is it important to the story? Reason I'm asking is you can't hardly turn on the news these days without hearing about the surge, but not in a good way. It's either the surge in covid cases or the surge of migrants at the border. For that reason, I think there's a possibility it paints the wrong picture in a potential reader's mind before they even read the logline.


I started this almost three years ago and let it sit. Tied up with other things. But you may have seen this before as a WIP I posted a year or so ago.

The title never sat 100% with me, but not because of the reasons you mentioned. Interesting to see what others think about that. And yes, it is important to the story, as it pertains to a sudden onset of clarity some people experience when theyíre near death. Itís also referred to as a burst.

The Burst? Iím open to suggestions.


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spesh2k
Posted: April 2nd, 2021, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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Hey man, so I peeped the first 30, will finish the rest when I get some time, probably later today.

PAGE 3:


Quoted Text
Larry slides a ten dollar bill into the greasy MECHANIC in
charcoal overalls.


Did the mechanic bend over and take the ten dollar bill like a suppository? Lol, I'm joking, but the wording is a bit odd here.

PAGE 16 - 19:

This dialogue between Larry and Doug read a little off to me as I was reading it out loud. Hate to sound cliche here, but it was a bit on the nose. A lot of exposition here. It's well written, but it could use a bit of a touch-up.

PAGE 23:


Quoted Text
GARVEY
Iím sorry.
(leans in)
Is she marrying an illegal
immigrant?

LARRY
Close enough.


Something about this felt a little... wrong for me lol. Could just be the characters being dicks, but at the same time, especially with everything being so PC, it might rub some people the wrong way. It could be part of Larry's arc that he's an unlikable grump who finds redemption and becomes likable by story's end, but not sure if making him sound borderline racist is great. I'm far from the type who's into all this PC bullshit, but it stood out to me and makes Larry sort of unredeemable. I know it seems like a small thing, but I'd look into it.

PAGE 25:

Love the new car conflict you set up here, makes the tension even thicker between George and Larry.

PAGE 26 - 27:

Hmm. So Larry is trying to convince Amy to go through with the marriage? I felt like he'd be doing the opposite.

PAGE 28 - 30:

Love this chaotic phone scene as Larry's driving.

SO FAR:

I like it. I like the dry humor, Larry's despair -- this would be a role perfect for a guy like Bill Murray. One thing I don't get is why is Ellen, a young good looking woman, into him? Is she into older dudes? Is this like a "Lost in Translation" kinda thing going on? Not sure why she's so into him. Maybe she's into depressed, cynical people? I think there needs to be at least something that she's clearly attracted to. Maybe we'll get to that.

Also, two things I'm not so sure about -- the title, for one. It makes it sound like an action film. I'd consider changing it. Also, the opening, I feel, should always set the tone for the rest of the script. It is an intriguing opening, but it feels like we're about to watch an erotic thriller. And, after that first scene, it feels nothing like that. I realize it will come up again later in the story and probably plays a pivotal role, but the tonal change is pretty jarring, and it never goes back to that tone (at least up to page 30). It goes from erotic thriller in the opening to a dramedy similar to "Broken Flowers", "Lost in Translation" and "Greenberg".

I love the idea of tomatoes that boost vitality -- I would love to see that being mentioned in the log line. It stands out and is a unique premise. I'd just be a little more specific in the log line instead of just saying "fountain of youth at a local farm stand".

I'd also mention "down on his luck" or something along those lines when describing Larry. "A once-successful journalist finds himself primarily writing fluff pieces" or something like that.

Will continue on later today.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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LC
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I think The Rush or just Rush (of love) might be better than Burst.

My initial thought was that Surge sounded more SciFi.

Anyway, coming back later...


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eldave1
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HAd time to get the first ten in before dinner

Smooth as silk.... My only Nit issue is here:

EXT. SHENANDOAH HOTEL - NIGHT

A grand spectacle of a building. Colorful, aquatic accent lighting. Palm trees dot the quiet midnight street.

TITLE: SHENANDOAH HOTEL, FLORIDA Ė 1982

Struck me as an odd title card. The hotel is already in your header. Just seems that this would be better suited for the year and city.
e.g.,

MIAMI, FLORIDA Ė 1982


Or something like that. Will get to more this weekend


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SteveClark
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Quoted from spesh2k
Hey man, so I peeped the first 30, will finish the rest when I get some time, probably later today.

PAGE 3:



Did the mechanic bend over and take the ten dollar bill like a suppository? Lol, I'm joking, but the wording is a bit odd here.

Not a mistake at all. I was inspired by the Erotic Thriller OWC.

PAGE 16 - 19:

This dialogue between Larry and Doug read a little off to me as I was reading it out loud. Hate to sound cliche here, but it was a bit on the nose. A lot of exposition here. It's well written, but it could use a bit of a touch-up.

You're right. Already working on this.


PAGE 23:



Something about this felt a little... wrong for me lol. Could just be the characters being dicks, but at the same time, especially with everything being so PC, it might rub some people the wrong way. It could be part of Larry's arc that he's an unlikable grump who finds redemption and becomes likable by story's end, but not sure if making him sound borderline racist is great. I'm far from the type who's into all this PC bullshit, but it stood out to me and makes Larry sort of unredeemable. I know it seems like a small thing, but I'd look into it.

Understood. Duh...

PAGE 25:

Love the new car conflict you set up here, makes the tension even thicker between George and Larry.

Cool. Glad that worked.

PAGE 26 - 27:

Hmm. So Larry is trying to convince Amy to go through with the marriage? I felt like he'd be doing the opposite.

I think what Larry is doing here is showing that he knows he really can't do anything about his daughter's decision, and since she's reaching out to him, maybe allay her fears a little and impart some wisdom. But I could give it a bit of an edge.

PAGE 28 - 30:

Love this chaotic phone scene as Larry's driving.

Thanks. I wasn't sure if this worked or not.

SO FAR:

I like it. I like the dry humor, Larry's despair -- this would be a role perfect for a guy like Bill Murray. One thing I don't get is why is Ellen, a young good looking woman, into him? Is she into older dudes? Is this like a "Lost in Translation" kinda thing going on? Not sure why she's so into him. Maybe she's into depressed, cynical people? I think there needs to be at least something that she's clearly attracted to. Maybe we'll get to that.

Also, two things I'm not so sure about -- the title, for one. It makes it sound like an action film. I'd consider changing it. Also, the opening, I feel, should always set the tone for the rest of the script. It is an intriguing opening, but it feels like we're about to watch an erotic thriller. And, after that first scene, it feels nothing like that. I realize it will come up again later in the story and probably plays a pivotal role, but the tonal change is pretty jarring, and it never goes back to that tone (at least up to page 30). It goes from erotic thriller in the opening to a dramedy similar to "Broken Flowers", "Lost in Translation" and "Greenberg".

I love the idea of tomatoes that boost vitality -- I would love to see that being mentioned in the log line. It stands out and is a unique premise. I'd just be a little more specific in the log line instead of just saying "fountain of youth at a local farm stand".

I'd also mention "down on his luck" or something along those lines when describing Larry. "A once-successful journalist finds himself primarily writing fluff pieces" or something like that.

Will continue on later today.

Thanks for reading so far. I'm currently picking through this with a fine toothed comb, smoothing out dialogue and stuff. But I like your suggestions. Look forward to the rest of your thoughts!

-- Michael




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SteveClark
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Quoted from eldave1
HAd time to get the first ten in before dinner

Smooth as silk.... My only Nit issue is here:

EXT. SHENANDOAH HOTEL - NIGHT

A grand spectacle of a building. Colorful, aquatic accent lighting. Palm trees dot the quiet midnight street.

TITLE: SHENANDOAH HOTEL, FLORIDA Ė 1982

Struck me as an odd title card. The hotel is already in your header. Just seems that this would be better suited for the year and city.
e.g.,

MIAMI, FLORIDA Ė 1982


Or something like that. Will get to more this weekend


Good point, Dave. Will think on that one for sure.



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LC
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Steve,

First off your logline is much improved in terms of intriguing me and getting me excited to read, but it doesn't really deliver if you like fairy-tale endings, (not that you promised that exactly, but...) and is it a race against time? I'm giving it a more thorough second read to see if I missed something.

Don't get me wrong, It's a nice ending, but there seem to be gaps or shortcuts in the narrative that you definitely should fill out.

Tonally your story chops and changes a lot (little tomato pun there) which definitely is keeping me on my toes. This is my biggest quibble with this draft.

Okay, so this starts with a bang - literally, or, euphemistically on my part.   It confused me a bit, the Senator and the 'kill me bit'. Just general kinkiness, or what? Apparently not, she gets stabbed? And it's a cover-up? I felt like you were going for a sensational start - not a bad thing, but a bit discombobulating. And then the story that follows appears completely disconnected. Okay, until we pick it up again at the end.

I'm just not convinced that's your best choice of subplot.

Things may be out of order here, so bear with me:

Debra's revelation later (linking it with Larry's career slump) she being his then Editor? Ė I donít think this is ideal. The big story that never was either needs reference in conversation more (not just top n tailing) or it needs turfing altogether. It's too dominating and it feels like two different scripts/stories to me. I guess you were doing a jump-in-big with the opening, but it doesnt sit right imh.

I'm reading through it again, but if I were you I'd open with some embarrassing or funny or telling scene with Larry instead to set the scene that this is his story. Establish mid-life angst perhaps, something where he's clearly out of his element, out of his depth - considering also that you're so good at the comedic elements make this shine comedically from the start. Maybe the funny opening is also something inherently sad or bittersweet, maybe about Larry's best days being behind him.  Perhaps also capitalise on his naivety with all things 21st Century tech, and bachelorhood?

I strongly suggest you match Larryís 'morning glory' with this phone call from Ellen:
Sorry about the hour,
but I took you for an early riser.


I think itíd be funnier. He could look down at himself. She must be psychic, eh, Tommy? etc.
Maybe have a conversation with the cat while listening to the message. Instead of peeing on the cat?

Perhaps have Larry and Brenda actually make eye-contact in the opening, if you're going with the current ending Ė him rigorously exercising, slightly embarrassed to see her looking up at him, and/ or he smiles down at her, shrugs?

Onto George's abode:
Nice visuals of the luxurious surroundings, the front-door chime etc., But -

an Olympic sized swimming pool?
Do people actually own them that size? Or is this just a figure of speech?

Skipping ahead: I took notes at random, sorry...

LARRY
Thereís this thing, I donít know if
youíve heard of it before, but it
occurs shortly before death.
Sometimes. Itís called a burst.
Itís like this... sudden surge of
energy and awareness. Parkinsonís
tremors stop. Dementia reverts to
clarity. Itís like, in that moment,
as fleeting as it may be,
everythingís okay. Everythingís
fine.


I don't think this fits at this point in the story. I get it's a crucial part of the story and the title but it appeared a bit thrown in there.
Even Ellen asks what made you think of that? It felt like it was author intervention. Its placement could be more touching and profound later Ė like when Ellen is in fact on the way out, perhaps used as a segue to her saying she wants to dance? Or quite a bit before that actually.

Also, she says she's twenty-nine. He says she seems older and she says she gets that a lot. Okay, granted we suss by this time she is a whole lot older, but what Larry says is not exactly complimentary.  Maybe he adjusts his wording Ė that she seems like she's an old soul or wise beyond her years. ? I felt not only were you telegraphing the plot, but it also seems contradictory to her description. So far everything else points to her being perfect, a real beauty - physically.

Also, it's not exactly flattering to be told the article being written for the paper is a fluff piece. Larry says this to Ellen, then later on Ellen says similar to Larry.

On that: Why is Ellen determined to all but tell Larry the secret ingredient that is in the tomatoes? It seems a bit weird, contrived for the story that she wants the secret out there. Imagine if word did get out. The whole world would be on their doorstep.

Love your character descriptions. You nail them.
Garvey seems to laugh using only his lower jaw.  

GARVEY
Iím sorry.
(leans in)
Is she marrying an illegal
immigrant?

Such a shame we have to be quite so PC these days. Perhaps if Larry had flashed the salesman a pic of the engaged couple Ė George being goofey for the camera - Garvey, like an idiot jumps to conclusions based on appearances. Perhaps Garvey looks genuinely concerned? I actually laughed at it cause idiots like Garvey very much exist in the world. Should representations of stupidity and bigotry be censored too?

LARRY
Your name. You know, Steve Garvey.
Like the baseball player.
GARVEY
No.


Interesting thing you do here, and I noticed it more than once.
You often leave off reaction shots (descriptions) and skip right to next scene.
Yes, as the audience we can conjure the appropriate reaction Garvey might have had ourselves, but you leave it up to us a bit too often imho. Your comedic writing of same might be funnier than what I might imagine.

I personally would milk more with the purchase of the car.

Maybe he orders it in Cherry Red (good symbolism there too) Ė maybe Amy's favourite colour when she was a kid. Perhaps some intrinsically feminine touches or extras that make this definitely a woman's car.  Larry still sees Amy as a kid except now she's all grown up. He's having trouble letting go. Maybe that following scene where he goes to deliver it is fraught with genuine embarrassment when it dawns on Amy exactly that it was intended as a wedding gift for her. Maybe (the newspaper business is not very lucrative) we see first the lengths Larry goes to, to get the money for the car, only for it to fall flat cause he can't  compete with George and his wealth. Perhaps the penny drops for Amy finally after the bird-dropping visual. Then Larry overcompensates and gushes over George's gift.

George reads a bit like Steve Martin in Father of the Bride at the moment... In a good way.
I think you can mine more comedy out of these sequences.

She wraps himself around him. They kiss.
Herself?

Btw, in contrast to Larry (who's behind the times) George should be younger imho.
And maybe working in something high-tech/Digital, apart from any extracurricular activities he's involved in.

Look, I canít speak for your
mother, but I think I was more in
love with the idea of being married
than actually being married.


This (above)  really doesn't tally with Larry being told Ellen is like another younger version of Debra (which is said later by?) It only works if he says something like I was madly and utterly in love with your mother, and then something like Ė life just came between us, or we had creative differences etc.

Larry on his blue tooth.
(So Larry's not tech illiterate entirely?)

I like that Debra calls Larry Lawrence and that whole mixed up phone call intercutting with Ellen calling and George butt-dialing. It's very nicely choreographed. Great job.

A water Park? Hmm, something different, I suppose. But he pikes out? More tomatoes would've fixed that! And made it comedy gold. Maybe make for of that more amusement/evolution of Larry's character? Him really living after all this time of a careful staid life, not the adventurous one he planned? Better late than never.

It doesn't really make sense that Ellen's now being cagey and self-deprecating, does it? She was trying to get him to look at the full story before, but now:
ELLEN
Larry, itís a farm stand. Youíre
not writing for Forbes.
ELLEN
You shouldíve came with me, then.

Came?  (does Ellen speak a bit like a country hick with bad grammar?)

If so, perhaps John:
JOHN
I ainít got no more answers for
you. Now get outta here.

-     Should say: clear outta here? Or, git outta here?

Maybe make farm stand one word?
The two PEOPLE stealing from the farm stand walk hand-in-hand...
That threw me.

How do the tomatoes work then? Because...
Ellen is youthful looking, but...

HERB and his wife
CLAIRE, both easily in their 70s.

-     Had their medical complaints cured.
-     But, they're not youthful looking?
-     
-     HERB
-     Claireís libido is insatiable. And,
-     well, itís been a long time since I
-     sucked a dick, but Iím flexible
-     like that.


You might get away with this if you (once again, tonally, steer this more in Comedy/Drama territory) up the comedy more, and also get The Farrelly brothers to direct it, or Apatow.

The tone could be the beauty of it too. I'm just not sure...

The next scenes with John and Ellen are pretty harsh. John's a real prick.

I'm going to read it again for the latter third, but -

A few observations and questions mainly:

I have no idea what aquatic accent lighting is. It sounds good though...
That's a hell of a long wait and a big crowd if there's a two hour wait.

After Larry eats the tomato he's meant to have experienced a youthful surge Ė or invigorating moment (virility returned) which is meant to be quite noticeable with Brenda jogging past. I think that was a bit played down. I made a suggestion up top about this.

You definitely sail through Larry meeting Ellen to them consummating their relationship too fast imho.

This serves so that I don't care as much about her as I should, and it seemed a bit quick regardless. Plenty to mine there more via courtship/dating, and to mine more laughs too.  You're spot on that Ellen is too under-developed at the moment. (Sorry for the repeat - I noted that up top too).

Your comedic touches are great. Just make sure enough of them land in dialogue.

Example: George's description. Loved all that with the Speedos and the python and Larry's awkwardness with the hug - (it made me laugh) but your audience won't be reading that line along with watching the film.

I'm left with questions re this elixer of youth.

Why doesn't Ellen keep her daily intake of tomatoes up? (Did I miss something?) The soil changing/alkalinity? There was no explanation in my mind as to why we went from it being a going concern with people-in-the know lining up from far and wide, to Ellen going with Larry to the wedding... And then collapsing? It's as if there's a big gap in the narrative or third Act here. Or maybe I missed something?

Why does Ellen go ballistic in the supermarket?
Is it a 'to hell with it' moment?

Ellen runs toward him like Baby running to Johnny in the
Dirty Dancing finale.

Hmm. I got it, but I think that's a cheat. Describe it your way with your originality.
She jumps into his arms. He swings her in a circle.

You know the sequence in 500 Days of Summer, after he gets laid and he's on top of the world? If you don't, watch it. It's the perfect fantasy sequence blended with animation and song and dance.
I feel like this with your supermarket scene. But the  jubliant 'got nothing to lose' choreographed sequence is too short and comes off as bad behaviour and vandalism instead. I'd personally go for it in a bigger way if the audience is in on why she behaves this way. I'm going to assume she knows she has nothing to lose, no-one can hurt her cause she knows her fate? If not, I'm confused again.

The Hospital sequence/Antonio Banderas etc., almost lands for me but it's also a bit messy? Do you need the Felipe gross out scene? Don't worry, I'm not a fan of Bridesmaids either. Most people think bodily-fluid jokes are hilarious. I'm just not one of them.

Your character descriptions are spot-on, like I said. The only ones I balked at slightly were the brutish and not quite brutish Nurses. The rest are perfect and put me in a good mind for the comedic moments that ensue.

Okay this bit too -

Larry sure did move on fast to Brenda without at least a time shift/segue in the scene header.

Overall, this feels like a  Forever Young / Father of the Bride hybrid.

You hooked me good, but it needs filling out a bit imho. I feel like you took too many shortcuts. And at times it's inconsistent and contradictory with characters and what they say.

There's so much terrific stuff in here comedy-wise. It's the blending with the utterly serious stuff that's hard to combine. But you're onto something very entertaining and unique definitely.

I'll probably have more on my re-read, if you want it?

I didn't go into typos etc., mainly cause there aren't many, and you wanted more in terms of story.
Very nice, Steve. Just add more to it I think.



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PAGE 33-34:


Quoted Text
ELLEN
You shouldíve came with me, then.

LARRY
I did go with you.

ELLEN
Not all the way.

LARRY
I went as far as I could with you.
Besides, weíre here now.


Nice subtext, great dialogue.

Also, good unexpected cut to a water park of all places. Quirky.

PAGE 36:

How did he recognize Herb and his wife as the tomato thieves? When he saw them stealing, he thought they were kids? Maybe I missed something... I do like the little twist though.

PAGE 38-39:

Haha, funny scene (Herb and Claire setting up a three-way).

PAGE 55:


Quoted Text
DEBRA
Lawrence, you canít write a story
like this based on instinct alone.
Peoples lives and livelihoods are
at stake. You need a smoking gun.


Hmm. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the stakes. But what happens if Larry writes this story about the farm stand being the fountain of youth. I understand it exposes a secret, but I don't see how this will destroy John and Ellen's livelihoods. John seems concerned, bu Ellen doesn't seem very concerned about it.

PAGE 59:

Larry gets knocked out with the butt of a rifle and the next scene is him at the grocery store getting Ibuprofen. Felt like an odd transition, him being knocked out. The natural transition would be him waking up.

PAGE 60 - 63:

Hmm. I don't understand this scene, why Ellen's trashing the grocery store.

PAGE 76-84:

This whole escape from the hospital feels a bit messy and not very interesting. It's nice that George is helping Larry out, but it feels... odd. Like it doesn't fit. Feels rushed.

PAGE 85:


Quoted Text
BEDROOM

John sits up in bed, eyes open but glassy. Lifeless.

A RIFLE is pointed directly at him.

Larry GASPS.

John has aged much more than Ellen. Skeletal and frail.

His finger curled around the trigger.

LARRY
John, I...

John mutters something inaudible. Maybe not a word at all.
Maybe the last gasp of air leaving his lungs.

His finger squeezes the trigger --
CLICK.

Larry flinches, but no report. Empty.

Larry slumps against the wall.


As I'm reading, I'm not sure what is happening here. Is Larry pointing the rifle at John, to put him out of his misery? Or is it the other way around?

OVERALL:

This started out pretty good, but I felt like the second and third acts were rushed and disjointed.

The whole senator story with the prostitute and the knife, the reveal that Debra was there... it didn't feel like it belonged in this story at all. I'm not even sure how it fits outside of being somewhat of a bookend. I'm not sure how the reveal sums up the whole story... and the theme seemed to escape me. What IS the theme exactly? I thought it was a statement on getting older given the premise, but I didn't really see that as a clear theme.

And why exactly are Ellen and John suddenly aging at a rapid rate? What happened to the tomatoes? Maybe I missed something.

The story, overall, doesn't seem very focused, especially later in the script. I felt like this was rushed and there was a lot of filler -- the fight in Larry's front yard w/ the Mormons didn't add anything to the story. It was kinda funny, but it didn't really serve much of a purpose. Then George helping Larry get Ellen out of the hospital felt sudden to me, didn't understand why George would leave his wedding to do that. It just didn't feel natural.

As a whole, I think that's the script's main issue -- especially the 2nd and 3rd acts, it didn't flow well or feel natural at all for me. A lot of the scenes felt forced in there, the developments felt forced and rushed and it threw off the rhythm for me. Ellen and John aging felt sudden -- and I still don't know why they were aging rapidly, maybe I missed something. I know John says that someone has been messing with the soil -- but WHO was messing around with the soil? Again, maybe I missed something. And the ending wasn't very satisfying w/ Brenda, who only appears in one line of description at the beginning -- getting asked out by Larry. When we see her at the beginning, she's just seeing Larry exercise in his window. He never has any interactions with her. And after that little scene, she disappears for the rest of the script.

I really like the premise -- it was like Cocoon meets Forever Young meets Safety Not Guaranteed. But the tone was all over the place, mainly because of that senator subplot. And story-wise, it felt like there were missing scenes.

I'd probably get rid of the senator subplot, just doesn't fit, at least IMO. The scenes don't fit the tone of the rest of this. And I'd work on expanding the 2nd and 3rd acts a bit. There's pieces here but at this moment but there are pieces missing, I feel like.

Overall, it's nice work, writing's good as always, but I really do think it needs a lot of work yet.

-- Michael




THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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SteveClark
Posted: April 3rd, 2021, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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Cast Your Fate To The Wind

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Libby and Mike,

Iím at work now and read your comments. Thanks! Forgive me if I donít answer right away, but the wheels are spinning.

Perhaps I should have more emphasis on Larry really considering writing this big story about the farm stand and itís magical properties? His big comeback. Which is really just giving him delusions of grandeur because once he falls in love, and is ultimately let down, heís not going to go through with it.

He canít catch a break. At all. But in the end, with Brenda, thereís hope. Even for Larry.


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spesh2k
Posted: April 3rd, 2021, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SteveClark
Libby and Mike,

Iím at work now and read your comments. Thanks! Forgive me if I donít answer right away, but the wheels are spinning.

Perhaps I should have more emphasis on Larry really considering writing this big story about the farm stand and itís magical properties? His big comeback. Which is really just giving him delusions of grandeur because once he falls in love, and is ultimately let down, heís not going to go through with it.

He canít catch a break. At all. But in the end, with Brenda, thereís hope. Even for Larry.


I really think Larry having that choice weighing on him would bring more clarity to the plot and character motivations. I also think have a clear consequence would be beneficial, too -- maybe they have a limit on tomatoes? And having people know it's the fountain of youth would make John and Ellen age rapidly because there'd be too many people stealing?

I gotcha with the ending, but there's no real setup for that outside of Brenda seeing Larry work out in his window. In no way did I think that she found him attractive in that scene. And Larry, himself, doesn't have any interactions with her or doesn't express previous interest in her. I think that ending would work if it had a stronger setup so the payoff hits better.

-- Michael



THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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