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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Scarefest Script Club  ›  Demon in the Sack - SSC2WC Moderators: Zack
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  Author    Demon in the Sack - SSC2WC  (currently 1664 views)
Don
Posted: February 23rd, 2017, 9:10am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Demon in the Sack by Vin Conzo - Short, Monster, Cannibal Horror, Comedy - A frazzled man recounts the events of a terrifying date to his immature co-workers. 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


1st Draft
Demon in the Sack by Vin Conzo - Short, Monster, Cannibal Horror, Comedy - A frazzled man recounts the events of a terrifying date to his immature co-workers. 14 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 3rd, 2017, 5:47pm
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pale yellow
Posted: February 23rd, 2017, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Love title... love logline. And wow a comedy this ought to be fun.

Really good writing on display here.

I like the way you flash back and forth. Seems organic.

LOL at "I just wanted to get laid."

Typo pg 9 against to the floor

Typo pg 10 he limbs bend

I liked this. I laughed multiple times Great story telling here. I could just see Brad goin through the motions while he was telling the story.

GREAT job writer.


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JEStaats
Posted: February 23rd, 2017, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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The more I got into it, the more I 'got into it'. Very funny and well written. Not sure you meant squeegee board...Ouija perhaps? Ha!

Loved how the coworkers totally misinterpreted Brad's motions and phrasing on his retelling of the night. Great work!
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Conz
Posted: February 23rd, 2017, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
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i meant squeegie board - just another cornball joke to throw on the pile.

Appreciate you guys taking time to read it, even though i confess it's not exactly a "scarefest."


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.††

"Career" Highlights
-I have a single credit on my IMDB page.††
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.††
-I have almost made $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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DanC
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 11:29am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Conz, you're my last read (except for mine, of course)

Here goes:

What does Pre-lap mean?  This is the second time today I've seen that.

So, Brad didn't see what the black smoke did to Dani?  If I saw the Black Smoke from Supernatural or the Smoke Monster from Lost leave an apartment, I'd probably watch where it goes.  Perhaps you could have him dazed or something.

Does Dani look terrifying like Julie in Return of the Living Dead part 3?

Here she is and she's hot and terrifying.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsgSq13zTbs&spfreload=10

Go to 2:28.  

Page 9 you say she holds a piece of the computer above her head AT ready.  I think that At should be gone.

That was fast easy reading.  It was fun.  Not scary, but, it was fun.

I was under the impression that the neighbors summoned the demon in their apt. and it got out.  Is that wrong?  Because you seem to imply that Tressa had been hunting it for a while.  So, I don't see how they could have summoned it.

Poor Dani, she didn't do anything wrong, except hook up with a loser

Good for using a succubus.  Very underused demon.  

The only thing that I wish you'd do is give the demon a reason for doing all of this.  What does she get out of it?  And I'd think she'd be more discreet at least at the beginning.  I mean, she wants to seduce, that's what they do.  Then they suck the life out of you through sex.  

I think you can still marry the 2 ideas together.

Can't wait to see what you come up with.  Good job.  Conz, you're a good writer, and an asset to this site.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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DanC
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Conz
i meant squeegie board - just another cornball joke to throw on the pile.

Appreciate you guys taking time to read it, even though i confess it's not exactly a "scarefest."


I thought you meant it that way because the guys are so clueless.  You crafted a great little short.  I think it's my fav so far.  

Yeah, it isn't scary, but, that's okay.

I wish I could write this well.  Seriously.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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CameronD
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 11:48am Report to Moderator
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My .02 cents.

Not feeling the intro scene. Bro banter is hard to write and not make me cringe so maybe it's just me.

The apt is possessed? I think some V.O by Brad would really help here to establish what's going on. Especially since it's so strange. Maybe make him drunk enough that what he recollects and what really happens is totally off base. "The dog is the apt kicked the shit outta the door and knocked me down." Or something like that.

Ted?

Tress just comes outta nowhere? Huh?

This isn't working for me. Sorry. The back and forth between the bros and the crazy sex is jarring for one. But the biggest problem is a weak overall story. The entire middle is one running gag of crazy demonic sex and when Tress comes in outta nowhere it just becomes absurd. I'm trying to picture how this would look on screen and it would be a confusing mess.

I get the idea though. It's not a bad one, just needs a better structure I think. Here's an idea I had on how to restructure that would make it flow better. Just a suggestion.

Make the entire film a flashback with V.O. from just Brad and one of the friends as narration. You don't need 3 friends when one will do. Start in the bar and let us see Brad pick up Dani, way outta his league and to the amazement of his friend. Show hints Dani is possessed from the start. Have Tress be in the background of the bar so she's established. Make Brad DESPERATE to get action so he has a clear goal right away.

Proceed to the apt and do a slow build to the crazy stuff instead of jumping in both feet first right away. Problem I had is since you go crazy kiinky right away you end up repeating the same gags for a good 4 or 5 pages. Having Brad and his friend V.O. during this could be hilarious as a way to show Brad's inner thoughts and desperation.

When Tress comes in this way it would make a little more sense. Maybe make Tress and Dani's struggle more of a "sexy pillow fight" at first. Could be funny.

For whatever reason I kept thinking of Rock Moranis in Ghostbusters hooking up with Sigourney Weaver's Zuul possessed character. This is a solid concept. Just needs restructuring and a cleaner focus.


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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And away we go...

Doesn't seem like horror so far.

The scene at the apartment building is obviously a Flashback, so yuo need to label it as such.

Page 3 - so the apartment is so tiny that the bed is in the main room?

OK...sorry, but I'm out.  This ain't no horror script, and I'm not amused.

Good job completing the challenge.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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MarkItZero
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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I almost bailed on this one but I kept going and it turned out to be pretty damn funny. There are a couple great moments. These two lines I'm gonna go ahead and say were brilliant:

BRAD
Iím pounding her to the point she
starts speaking in tongues!



BRAD
Dani starts eating the other chick.

Justin falls out of his chair.


I think you need to rework the opening and the end. Instead of right off the bat having these obnoxious friends egging him on, I'd make Brad the one who desperately wants to tell the story. He could run in all disheveled and start babbling while they're barely paying attention at first.

As for the end, I think there should be some point to him telling the friends. Some way the friends tie into the whole story. Maybe Brad is finishing up the story as they walk into a secluded warehouse spot. He talks about how Tress mentioned two others demons are still on the loose... and that's when his two friends morph into demon form and attack... only to have Tress show up once again and save the day.  


That rug really tied the room together.
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Conz
Posted: February 25th, 2017, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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thanks for the notes, guys.

Pale - thanks for laughing, and always appreciate a head's up on typos.

Dan - I won't even pretend I did much research on the succubus.  i just remember it from a South Park episode.  Good points all around, and that's something that should definitely go into a re-write.  I'll be using your quote, "... a good writer and an asset to the site," on all emails I bombard industry people with in the future.

Cameron - i don't think I'd want to do all voiceover, but you make some good points.  i actually toned down comedy just to give the slightest sliver of "horror" to fit (and subsequently fail at) the challenge.

Dream - I knew you'd stop reading.  Don't worry about it.

Mark - both of those are solid ideas.  Think I'd do the 2nd one in having them play along moreso than having Brad be anxious to tell the story... even though i though the main character should pretty much always push the story.  

At the risk of further making a mockery of this little contest, i think any re-writes will end up pushing this even further into the comedy realm, although i will use Dan's idea to give the Succubus more character, not just be a random thing that possesses a random girl.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.††

"Career" Highlights
-I have a single credit on my IMDB page.††
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.††
-I have almost made $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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ChrisBodily
Posted: February 26th, 2017, 12:36am Report to Moderator
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ROFLMAO!

This is fucking horror-comedy gold, Conz! The ending parodies An Officer and a Gentlemen.

You have a few minor typos and commas, but other than that, pretty solid (no pun intended).

Great job.


FADE IN:
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Conz
Posted: February 26th, 2017, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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thanks Chris.  I always notice that I go way over the top with commas after a draft.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.††

"Career" Highlights
-I have a single credit on my IMDB page.††
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.††
-I have almost made $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 26th, 2017, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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A little confused by the opening, is MAN and BRAD the same person? If so I'd drop the caps on MAN.

Jumps up with a steaming mug of tea in his hand? Maybe spills some for effect.

I'm not the world's biggest comedy fan but this made me chuckle, writing was crisp and it flowed well.

Good job.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
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Conz
Posted: February 27th, 2017, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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i don't like the way that open is written either.

Gonna try to trim this down a little and change some stuff.  Should be able to find the time.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.††

"Career" Highlights
-I have a single credit on my IMDB page.††
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.††
-I have almost made $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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James McClung
Posted: February 27th, 2017, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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This was fun, man. The jokes were corny, but the story was entertaining. Well-written as well. A little verbose early on, but somehow doesn't feel like too much.

A few notes for ya...

- "...an unseen force approaches." - Not exactly sure what this is supposed to look like, the force being unseen and all. Best I can think of would be a POV of... something... approaching Brad from behind. You didn't write that, though. I'd clarify.

- You mean, "Speak of the Devil?"

pg. 2 - "PRE-LAP" - Not familiar with this term. Care to elucidate?

pg. 3 - "TED" - Who?

pg. 5 - You mean "scalding?"

Two minor issues with this one. First off, I think Brad's storytelling was a little inconsistent. Sometimes he seems to be giving the straight story with all the supernatural elements up front. Others, he's embellishing to make himself look good. I preferred the latter approach. He seems to end on the former, though, pleading with Justin that "Dani is fucking dead."

Second, I thought the script went on just a tad too long after Brad's story is over. I think it would've been preferably to get to Tress's return as quickly as possible. Otherwise, not bad.


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