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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  The Flesh Won't Be Missed - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    The Flesh Won't Be Missed - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 5898 views)
Don
Posted: February 21st, 2011, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Flesh Won't Be Missed by Darren J Seeley (DarrenJamesSeeley) - Short - A witch and her psychotic boyfriend plan a robbery with the use of a very special candle.  10 pages

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 7th, 2011, 9:39pm
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keaton01
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 2:25am Report to Moderator
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A nice witch tale. Not sure a pentagram would be used for a Celtic ceremony, but who cares. Knowing these old fables I was half expecting the dead guys to get some revenge. Overall a nice piece.


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Ryan1
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 5:14am Report to Moderator
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This was sort of an odd mix between gruesome ritual cult killings and Twilight Zone-like fantasy.  The beginning was nice and depraved, and the description of the "recipe" for the magic key hand or whatever was truly twisted.

But the whole frozen time thing just didn't work for me.  It felt out of place in what had been up to that point such a nasty, bloody tale.

I didn't quite understand Tophet's presence.  I get that he was in cahoots with the girl, but I guess the twist just didn't grab me.  Probably because he showed up so late in the story.

Good job on cranking one out for the OWC.
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stevie
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 5:58am Report to Moderator
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Some truly full on stuff here, with voodoo and whatnot. The mix of hardcore violence and a very erotic flavour was good.

A few disturbing images that were nicely written. Probably the best for me, so far.


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stebrown
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 6:00am Report to Moderator
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I liked the twist a lot but I felt you spent far too much time in building this up. You're over half-way into your script before any of the witch craft is used. That was a problem for me.

The story is very good and is a clever take on the myth but the characters and motives need to be developed more. I think with a rewrite this could be excellent but as it is it's a near miss.

Good work,

Ste


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screenrider
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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My fourth read...

This one takes the cake for being the most evil, so far.   I'm sure the writer will take that as a compliment.   Intelligent story, excellent twist, but probably not the most likely to be filmed, IMO.   Too gory.    Good job on completing the challenge, though.   I'm willing to bet this was written by one of the Soulshadow alumnis.   You're writing style seems very familiar.   Well done.

EDIT: Scratch that comment about it not likely to be filmed.   Anything is possible.


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SteveUK
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 9:19am Report to Moderator
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A really good effort, dark and gruesome.  I enjoyed the twisted mix of violence and eroticism.  The ending worked well for me, especially the final shot of the eye... nice!

The only thing that threw me off a little was on page 6 when they arrive at the O'Mallory house - 'Without a disguise or mask, Beau gets out of the passenger side. All he has is a small sack with him.'  This just made me think "Why the hell would he be wearing a disguise?", as at that point there was no hint as to why they were there.  It would have made more sense to just say 'Beau gets out of the passenger side carrying a small sack.'

Aside form that though, this was really good, especially for a OWC.
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dn061903
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was decent.  I especially liked the frozen in time thing when they robbed the house.  

The ending was OK.  I didn't expect it, but it didn't really do much for me.  

Overall is a good effort.  
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jwent6688
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was pretty good. I liked the twist. The writing seemed pretty solid. Good entry for a week.

I liked the frozen time robbery. Was the highlight for me. Kinda wish Beau wasn't so "on board" with this, though. He was obviously put up to it. Would have thought he would be more skeptical about it.

James


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JCShadow
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one and the brutal evilness of it. Your opening was very nice as we get thrown right into the aftermath of a murder.

The narrative and dialogue was a bit awkward at times and there was no setup for the reader to know why or what caused the people being robbed to be frozen. The conversation starting at the bottom of page 8 - 9 between Tophet and Beau was really confusing.

Nice job all around and great horror short.


The Door (Horror/Thriller) - 116 Pages

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The Devil's Brigade
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RayW
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Jack

This is pretty good.
Genuine US blood and body horror.
Great twist.
Low budget, visual and visceral.

Very nice.

GL!



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leitskev
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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This seems to have been written by one of the more veteran writers here. Someone that knows their craft.

I did have some questions with the story, but most are covered above. For example, I also was not thrilled about the frozen time thing. A little too much for me. And if I could freeze time, to think of the things I would do!

Also, this freeze time skill seems like something they have practiced for a long time, a skill handed down for generations within some cult. I would say that would that power, this cult should rule the world by now. Even if the skill is just something these two characters discovered on their own, say several years ago, by now they would be well past robbing houses. How bout a bank? A casino? Oceans 13.

I think the twist and the reason behind is fine and good. It will work better with a couple of pages of further development after the challenge. Give a better idea of who Tophet is, maybe a little more insight into the mind of the girl(forgot her name). You gave clues, so I am sure you just needed the freedom of a couple pages.

Maybe the best I've read so far, and I've read about 8.
                                        
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khamanna
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked Beau explaining her why they should cut off the body parts - I think this is really original.

The twist is a bit random for me - suddenly she's with someone else, planning to rob O'Mallory and using Beau.

I'm not sure I understand why O'Mallory appears frozen. That whole part is about Beau. The teeth part is funny but that part could be very quick as it doesn't pay off much. It all has to build up to the pay off - her with another man using Beau's body parts. Or maybe not but that's what I think.

Having said that it's a very nice tale, very original (at least I haven't read anything like it) and clever.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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Good on your for submitting for the OWC.
I enjoyed the mix of gore and eroticism.
The time freeze and late arrival of a new character derail the effective mood.
Sometimes the action description is describing things not happening.
Removal of stuff like that will help the reader focus on the actual story.
Good effort and goriest so far for sure.

E.D.


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Baltis.
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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Only thing I'm going to say is

A) The writer should check out House Of Clocks, by Lucio Fulci.

or in the event you have

B) Shame on you.


There were other elements at play here, but so much of this reminded me of that brilliant flick.
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