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Yep. It's horror with the knives and terrorizing and all. Fine execution. Didn't make a lick of sense to me even though I followed it just fine (due to your clear style). Sprite seemed a fair bit incidental, though.
The story inside is good, but it missed the mark for me as far as the read went. I struggled with it because I wasn't sure what was going on.
JANE Too bad, the pond looks absolutely beautiful. HENRY I have a camera in my van --
I didn't have a clue what the camera was about.
I had problems with how visuals were being depicted throughout:
It wasn’t clear to me what was going on. How Henry was getting into the house with a wheelchair.
I didn’t know what a bag strap was.
--powers his way through the track
This whole part:
HENRY It sure would help if I knew your plans for the house are...
DON We’re checking out some properties for potential as a bed and breakfast.
HENRY What would you like to see first? DON Mind if we just walk around?
HENRY NO problem. I’m not going far. He pats his unmoving legs.
HENRY Oh, don't forget your camera. Henry grabs a bag strap.
DON We'll get it later, just let us look around the place first, okay? Henry lets go of the strap.
HENRY Okay, no problem.
Had me confused about what was going on. Were these people looking to buy Henry's place? If that's the case, shouldn't we see a For Sale sign in the beginning?
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - LATER Henry clears a path through the debris. He practices his moves: -- Spins the chair with expert ease. -- Hops the chair to an amazing height. -- Powers his way through the track. -- Whirls like a break dancer.
What is motivating him to do all this? It seems strange.
In the end, after such a big show, pointing out his handicap, really focusing on it to such a great extent, we find no sense in it.
He's murdered. His murderers are murdered.
I guess what I'm saying, is what am I left with as a reader? What do I take away with me from this?
I'm just not feeling it. I don't feel Henry is so much of a real character as his handicap is a real character.
Now that might be something to work with, but I would question how he's shown to be a kind of super hero on wheels. It would work if we knew the reasons behind this superior ability.
Also, we need to know the connection between him and that water spirit.
Hmmm. I love the different stuff coming out in the challenge. This was generally well written. I was rooting for Henry. A handicapped hero actually is a cool idea, and not for politically correct reasons. The handicap is a driving force behind his development, and makes the hero human.
I don't understand the idea of serial killers who target handicap people. That should be explained. You may have dropped a hint with, "Sweet dreams, mother". Did a handicapped person kill her mother? Was her mother handicapped? Or was this just short for 'motherf-----'?
What was the deal with the sprite? It liked Henry because of his nice words at the beginning? Or was there more to it?
Finally, is Henry a sprite now? So is this really a love story? MR and Mrs Henry Sprite? I am ok with that, just want to know. Maybe a clue about the sprite forming process.
Definitely a solid writer here. It might be hard to film a water sprite. Also might be hard to get an actor to do the stuff Henry does. I would be interested to see work that builds a handicapped hero. As long as it's not too over the top. Something to think about. Congrats.
A wheelchair hero * a middle aged couple who might be serial killers * a little less chasing around and more back story would help this one a lot * storm sprite is a good twist on the myth but needs to be better explained * plus, the sprite needs more script time
A wheel chair hero indeed. The water sprites were never even barely explained. I understand they took revenge for Henry's demise. I quite like that premise. I just don't get why.
I understand these murderes target old people and handicaps, just wondered how Henry saw that.
I think this would've worked better as a straight out slasher. That was one of the options. Have a fit guy in a wheelchair defeat these two. You could've gave us premonitions of this by Henry reading a newspaper article in the beginning about elder home owners being murdered. They all had their houses for sale.
Kinda like Henry was keen to this couple in the forefront, and purposely invited them. Maybe give him a reason to want to die. Thats why he does it in the first place. To go out in a battle.
Well written, nice pace. Good dialogue overall. I just felt the water sprites were kind of wasted.
I could say good job on writing this one in a week. But methinks most of this was written during another week in October 2010. What's most confusing about this is that your writing style is not bad. You clearly have a decent grasp of format, but just slapped this together. Best line: "Your serial killers? My ass." Classy. I'm very pro wheelchair break dancer, but that's a tall order for a short film.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
If this is indeed a rehash from the last OWC, Shame on you! If it's not, more shame on your, cause this makes almost ZERO sense.
Totally goofy, no horror (or horror in an over the top, goofy, almost humorous way), rediculous choreographed fight scene that never ends, almost impossible to even follow along with what's supposedly happening. Poor, laughable dialogue. No characterization. Slapstick sequences thrown in for no apparent reason. And, our main antag, the infamous "Water Sprite" plays 2nd fiddle to a pair of goofy serial killers?
WTF? Seriously? Could be a pisser...let's hope it's not a serious attempt at horror.
Very poor, IMO.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
What's with the crazy title font. I don't mind bold, but that's it anything more draws attention to your newbeeness. Yes, I just invented that word.
One word isn't a sentence. Sure this stuff can be used to speed through descriptions if they are good, but otherwise they don't look kinda crappy. Case in point, what does a this water sprite look like? Sometimes detailed description is needed.
Page one dialog read like machine gun fire. Maybe some beats or action would've slowed it down.
This is a crime piece and the damn sprite was just tacked on with no purpose.
"bird like posture" - really having a hard time picturing that. LOL. I have to say that I didn't really get this. It seemed like the sprite didn't fit into the story. What was it's purpose? Why was it there? I think since this is supposed to be a challange about these myth creatures, they need to take on a more important role in the story.
This is well written and has a decent battle at its core. For some reason I had a little trouble engaging with the story, perhaps because there aren’t wider stakes and the flow of events felt a little random.
These are notes I made as I read:
Swanky title page puts a target on your back!
Pg 1 – “There!” – I detect a writer with their own voice
The teaser feels very swift, then you get straight into some character background stuff that seems unrelated to it.
Pg 4 – “Okay, no problem.” – This is well written and developing okay, but a line like this might be an indicator that the story could use a little more conflict. The three of them have been relatively friendly with each other and there has been no sign of them being in danger yet.
Pg 5 – The conflict has landed!
Pg 6 – So far the Storm Sprite and the serial killers feel like they are unrelated.
Pg 7 – “Enough slack to free his arms.” – I know it has to happen in many stories, but I can’t help rolling my eyes at the ease with which he frees himself.
Pg 9 – It’s been all well written action for a number of pages. For me the Sprite ending feels like an add on.