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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  The Pond - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    The Pond - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 2765 views)
Don
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Pond by John Ellis - Short - A stormy night for a real estate agent and two customers at an old house turns deadly. A storm sprite watches from the pond... for a while.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format


++++++++++++++++++

Note:

The writer of this script has asked that the script be removed because it was written before the OWC theme and genre were released.

I would like to leave the script up because what has been read can't be unread and the writer of this script has reviewed quite a few of the scripts in the challenge.

You can 1. delete your review, 2. not review or 3. review it anyway.

Any review that pillories the writer for misinterpretation of the challenge will be deleted.


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 2nd, 2011, 3:35pm
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c m hall
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 11:48am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

Henry is a great creation.  Don and Jane start out with just enough annoying normalcy that the change in their behavior worked well, for me.

Clever writing, some good laughs in the dialogue (Oh, Henry).

This is one of my favorite scripts, so far, in the OWC -- I love the ending.
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RayW
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, John

Well... that was weird. LOL!

Yep. It's horror with the knives and terrorizing and all.
Fine execution.
Didn't make a lick of sense to me even though I followed it just fine (due to your clear style).
Sprite seemed a fair bit incidental, though.

Okay.


GL!



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bert
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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Odd title page, but alright, I guess.

I think the storm sprite deserves a little description.

I am liking the writing style for the most part -- but the conversation between Jane and Henry begins too abruptly, with no subtlety whatsoever.  It is not done like that, in real life or scripts.

The story takes a weird turn around page 5, and while the fight scene has its amusing moments, the staccato style I enjoyed earlier is starting to make things hard to follow.

[spoiler]

Moving on, I am not getting this twist at all.  They kill handicapped realtors?  That's their gig?

This was just weird, though I did like the last-second pay-off.

I am virtually certain this was some kind of retrofit for a non-submission from the last Halloween challenge.  Those who know the challenge will know what I am talking about.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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The story inside is good, but it missed the mark for me as far as the read went. I struggled with it because I wasn't sure what was going on.

Early on:

JANE
Too bad, the pond looks absolutely
beautiful.
HENRY
I have a camera in my van --

I didn't have a clue what the camera was about.

I had problems with how visuals were being depicted throughout:

It wasn’t clear to me what was going on. How Henry was getting into the house with a wheelchair.

I didn’t know what a bag strap was.

--powers his way through the track

What track?

This whole part:

HENRY
It sure would help if I knew your
plans for the house are...

DON
We’re checking out some properties for
potential as a bed and breakfast.

HENRY
What would you like to see first?
DON Mind if we just walk around?

HENRY
NO problem. I’m not going far.
He pats his unmoving legs.

HENRY
Oh, don't forget your camera.
Henry grabs a bag strap.

DON
We'll get it later, just let us look
around the place first, okay? Henry lets go of the strap.

HENRY
Okay, no problem.

Had me confused about what was going on. Were these
people looking to buy Henry's place? If that's the case,
shouldn't we see a For Sale sign in the beginning?

This:

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - LATER
Henry clears a path through the debris. He practices his moves:
-- Spins the chair with expert ease. -- Hops the chair to an amazing height. -- Powers his way through the track. -- Whirls like a break dancer.

What is motivating him to do all this? It seems strange.

In the end, after such a big show, pointing out his handicap, really
focusing on it to such a great extent, we find no sense in it.

He's murdered. His murderers are murdered.

I guess what I'm saying, is what am I left with as a reader? What do
I take away with me from this?

I'm just not feeling it. I don't feel Henry is so much of a real character
as his handicap is a real character.

Now that might be something to work with, but I would question
how he's shown to be a kind of super hero on wheels. It would
work if we knew the reasons behind this superior ability.

Also, we need to know the connection between him and that water
spirit.

A really nice effort.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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leitskev
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm. I love the different stuff coming out in the challenge. This was generally well written. I was rooting for Henry. A handicapped hero actually is a cool idea, and not for politically correct reasons. The handicap is a driving force behind his development, and makes the hero human.

I don't understand the idea of serial killers who target handicap people. That should be explained. You may have dropped a hint with, "Sweet dreams, mother". Did a handicapped person kill her mother? Was her mother handicapped? Or was this just short for 'motherf-----'?

What was the deal with the sprite? It liked Henry because of his nice words at the beginning? Or was there more to it?

Finally, is Henry a sprite now? So is this really a love story? MR and Mrs Henry Sprite? I am ok with that, just want to know. Maybe a clue about the sprite forming process.

Definitely a solid writer here. It might be hard to film a water sprite. Also might be hard to get an actor to do the stuff Henry does. I would be interested to see work that builds a handicapped hero. As long as it's not too over the top. Something to think about. Congrats.
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screenrider
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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Well-written, but yeah , kinda seems like a rehashed leftover from the October OWC.   To each his own.   Sorry, I don't have much else to say about it.

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grademan
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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A wheelchair hero * a middle aged couple who might be serial killers * a little less chasing around and more back story would help this one a lot * storm sprite is a good twist on the myth but needs to be better explained * plus, the sprite needs more script time
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jwent6688
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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A wheel chair hero indeed. The water sprites were never even barely explained. I understand they took revenge for Henry's demise. I quite like that premise. I just don't get why.

I understand these murderes target old people and handicaps, just wondered how Henry saw that.

I think this would've worked better as a straight out slasher. That was one of the options. Have a fit guy in a wheelchair defeat these two. You could've gave us premonitions of this by Henry reading a newspaper article in the beginning about elder home owners being murdered. They all had their houses for sale.

Kinda like Henry was keen to this couple in the forefront, and purposely invited them. Maybe give him a reason to want to die. Thats why he does it in the first place. To go out in a battle.

Well written, nice pace. Good dialogue overall. I just felt the water sprites were kind of wasted.

Good job writing a script in a week.

James


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khamanna
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 11:36pm Report to Moderator
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I don't know what I'm supposed to see when you say "sprite". Maybe describe it a little more.

I couldn't understand the killer's motive. Why would they do it? Is it just a slasher movie and they are serial killers.

I know very little about Henry too so I don't root for him as much. I wish you explained why they do it and told us a little about Henry. It would be helpful if he came with the questions, problem...

It's well written I think.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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I could say good job on writing this one in a week.
But methinks most of this was written during another week in October 2010.
What's most confusing about this is that your writing style is not bad.
You clearly have a decent grasp of format, but just slapped this together.
Best line: "Your serial killers? My ass." Classy.
I'm very pro wheelchair break dancer, but that's a tall order for a short film.

E.D.


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Electric Dreamer  -  February 28th, 2011, 5:34pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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If this is indeed a rehash from the last OWC, Shame on you!  If it's not, more shame on your, cause this makes almost ZERO sense.

Totally goofy, no horror (or horror in an over the top, goofy, almost humorous way), rediculous choreographed fight scene that never ends, almost impossible to even follow along with what's supposedly happening.  Poor, laughable dialogue.  No characterization.  Slapstick sequences thrown in for no apparent reason.  And, our main antag, the infamous "Water Sprite" plays 2nd fiddle to a pair of goofy serial killers?

WTF?  Seriously?  Could be a pisser...let's hope it's not a serious attempt at horror.

Very poor, IMO.


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keaton01
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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What's with the crazy title font. I don't mind bold, but that's it anything more draws attention to your newbeeness. Yes, I just invented that word.

One word isn't a sentence. Sure this stuff can be used to speed through descriptions if they are good, but otherwise they don't look kinda crappy. Case in point, what does a this water sprite look like? Sometimes detailed description is needed.

Page one dialog read like machine gun fire. Maybe some beats or action would've slowed it down.

This is a crime piece and the damn sprite was just tacked on with no purpose.


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wannabe
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
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"bird like posture" - really having a hard time picturing that.  LOL.  I have to say that I didn't really get this.  It seemed like the sprite didn't fit into the story.  What was it's purpose? Why was it there?  I think since this is supposed to be a challange about these myth creatures, they need to take on a more important role in the story.  
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pwhitcroft
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 12:12am Report to Moderator
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This is well written and has a decent battle at its core. For some reason I had a little trouble engaging with the story, perhaps because there aren’t wider stakes and the flow of events felt a little random.

These are notes I made as I read:

Swanky title page puts a target on your back!

Pg 1 – “There!” – I detect a writer with their own voice

The teaser feels very swift, then you get straight into some character background stuff that seems unrelated to it.

Pg 4 – “Okay, no problem.” – This is well written and developing okay, but a line like this might be an indicator that the story could use a little more conflict. The three of them have been relatively friendly with each other and there has been no sign of them being in danger yet.

Pg 5 – The conflict has landed!

Pg 6 – So far the Storm Sprite and the serial killers feel like they are unrelated.

Pg 7 – “Enough slack to free his arms.” – I know it has to happen in many stories, but I can’t help rolling my eyes at the ease with which he frees himself.

Pg 9 – It’s been all well written action for a number of pages. For me the Sprite ending feels like an add on.


Philip


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