Yeah, this was an odd little piece, but interesting.

The sprite was too under-used - the challenge theme called for her to be more at the heart of the story.
The premise that the two real estate agents went around killing handicapped people was quirky to say the least!
Henry had some good lines, amongst the action scenes, which almost had a black comedy feel to it.

i really liked the final scene - the car full of water. Nice image that!

This was really weak, man. In fact, I'm going to be a jerk and say either this was written for the October OWC or consciously took the same theme and merged it with this one. In any case, it felt very hastily put together. The story was kinda run of the mill. If it weren't for the wheelchair, these'd just be your typical motiveless serial killers. The action was clumsy and the dialogue was just kinda careless. I didn't think any of Henry's one liners were fun or clever.

The sprites were barely a motif. Their lack of being used is chief in my reasoning that this was intended for the last OWC. It feels like you just picked a random monster out of the list and incorporated it into the scenery just to have a passing resemblance of the OWC criteria. And the way they just appear at the end to wrap everything up... why go through the whole thing not trying then at the end, try?

Sorry to be a douche but this felt very, very lazy.

So I gather that the water sprites are somehow connected to Henry in a spirtual way? They mimic him while he gets the snot beat out of him by these sadistic people? Some interesting visuals, but don't get the connection between Henry and the sprites.

I'm gonna guess that you wanted to submit something for the October OWC but couldn't finish in time and you wanted to use the leftovers to integrate into this theme?

While this read decent enough, I couldn't buy a lot of what was going on.  They get into a fight, they tie the guy up, he gets out, they fight again, chase scenes, action scenes, etc. etc.  It was a little bit of everything morphed into one but one thing didn't connect to the other.  And I was wondering -- why go after Henry?  Why is he a target?  Cause of the wheelchair?  The involvement of the pond was also a little off for me.  I just couldn't connect these things.

So I would say good job for a week, but evidently about 80% of this was written before the challenge was announced.  Next time start from scratch

Greg

Pros

Unusual mix of stories, with an unusual protagonist.

The water sprites were fun and the ending in the car was brilliant.

Cons

Felt like a rehash and the sprites didn't fit into the story.

Gary,

Sorry to see you took so much flak for this one. I actually thought it wasn't bad. Anywho, I know you read alot of scripts that shoot down the portal. But, I commend you for manning up and admitting this was written prior to the challenge. takes balls. I like that. You could've pulled your script and we never would've known.

I wasn't offended, those that were, They'll get over it in a second.

James

You read my script during the contest, so I wanted to return the favor.

This is full of action. Sometimes the play-by-play gets a little confusing. Between the punching and slashing and the somewhat generic names, it started to blend a little, so I had to slow my reading down and re-read a few things. I'm not quite sure what advice to give there, but that was my experience with it.

If Jane and Don are really serial killers, they're sort of clumsy about it. I'm guessing from the photos that they have a thing with killing people with disabilities. I thought showing the photos was a good way of getting this across; although the reason Henry gets into the camera is a little odd.

Some of the dialog works pretty good. Moments of sarcasm and hilarity. Some of it didn't quite work. For instance: pg 3, Jane in response to Don asking if she saw what Henry did, "My eyes work fine.". I'm picking up that this couple, while working together and loving each other, has their moments of bickering. That's pretty good. But her line felt odd right there. That was a weird time for her to pick that fight.

I like the superhuman-ness of Henry. He's pretty bad-A**!

The ending is a little abstract. I wasn't sure why there were two dark forms dancing, unless they were the 'souls' of Don and Jane...

Overall, a decent script.