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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Wild Ginger's Wine - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Wild Ginger's Wine - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 4168 views)
Don
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Wild Ginger's Wine by Darren J Seeley (DarrenJamesSeeley) - Short - For their annual party in the forest, three women break in a new but reluctant member into the inner circle by drinking the blood of her boyfriend.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 6th, 2011, 2:47pm
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wannabe
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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there were some very cool visuals here and I liked the dreamy tone of the scenes with the three women but when they got to the campsite, the three human's reactions didn't really feel natural to me.  They had an odd exchange of names and it was all very mellow.  Not like how I would imagine people to act if three women, wearing long dresses in the woods, imposed on their campsite.

Why did the women pick Sarah?  It seemed like they were from another time, so why would they choose to pick another woman to join their group?  I think that is the "story" you are lacking here.
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Baltis.
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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(PEPPERED WITH SPOILERS HERE AND THERE)

-- The entire first page reads like you're writing your address on an envelope.  Quirky to say the least.  

-- When I read dissolve to: It always makes my nuts hurt.  

-- "the water comes up to the shoulders of Azazel and Elke"  

That reads to novel.  You could've conveyed the water level, if even important at all, above when you introduced the 3 girls.

-- Your page 4 is a mess.  I mean, text wreck.  

"Sarah struggles, gets her left hand free.
Ginger takes that hand.
Leads it to the fire.
Sarah rolls away, curls up. Holds her hand.
Screams.
Looks to Tristan.
Shocked."

That is exactly how your page reads.  Just like that... It's wide and spacious, but the problem here is it's too cumbersome to read broken thoughts.  That is how someone would write a poem, not a script.

Sarah struggles to get her left hand free -- Ginger grabs Sarah by the wrist and pulls her hand directly into the fire.  

SCREAMS of agony follow.

Relinquished from Ginger's grasp, Sarah rolls clear of the fire -- She curls up and holds her hand.  Traumatized, Tristan looks on in shock.


Although clearly rushed for example, work with something like that.  

-- Aside from many, various formating mistakes or just plain cumbersome choices your dialogue is also in need of some work too.

Sarah's in particular.  It's just too static.  All of it.  

"No offense I'm just joking"
"I don't want to die"
"What on earth"

I mean, there wasn't much else to pick from here... It's all very light but what's here just isn't good.

-- Your story suffers from the usual (gotta get in and out in ten) that most OWC suffer from.   I can't fault you here because I know how hard it is to wrangle your content down into something that fits or at least works on some of its cylinders.  With that said, it just happens too fast.

Girls bathing
Girls entering campsite in green gowns
Girls take over the camp
Girls take care of business
Blood
The end.

That's how it reads to the page.

In closing, not the worst I've read but not the best.  Then again, none of the entries thus far are lighting any fires, "Them That's Dead" kind of aside...  But, yeah, I get the feeling this is much a blue print as anything and that you'll probably go back and tune it up soon.

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  February 27th, 2011, 1:11pm
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for entering the OWC.
At times, the action stacking is so intense, I felt like I was reading a poem.
I couldn't get a good reading rhythm on with the excessive spacing.
There's some effective, albeit repulsive visuals here.
Not much in the way of story or dialogue or goals.
I think you could apply your imaginative gross out imagery to a better premise.

E.D.


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c m hall
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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Very interesting images, could make an eye-catching film, with those green dresses and all.  Not much in the story makes me want to know more about any of the characters.  Definite horror elements in the script, and the feeling that normal life is out of control, that works, for sure.
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leitskev
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Do they still make wine coolers?

There were some sharp visuals in this, classic horror type stuff.

I felt like the writer was capable of getting into the characters, developing them more, but just didn't have time maybe. I kept thinking it would happen on the next page. I think in a rewrite it will happen.

What was going on in terms of ritual sacrifice made sense, but needed to be fleshed out, explained. Again, could be included in rewrite.

There is stuff to build on here. Get building! I look forward to the rewrite.
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grademan
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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Weird stuff * terse writing interlaced with sentences did  distract from the story telling * some interesting visuals like vampires dancing around a fire * my favorite terse line “sarah conks out”
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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The blood flows,
and evil knows ,
of this vile mind,
in human kind.

Can you imagine,
If you can,
Then are we damned?
The sons of men

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Ryan1
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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On page one, you intro one of the women as AZAZEL.  You call her that several times.  After that page, she becomes AZAREL for the rest of the script.

This had a cool setup, but I didn't like where you went with it.  The encounter with the campers had a strange comic feel to it.  And, any guy caught drinking wine coolers pretty much deserves a bloodletting.

I think this would have had more resonance if Sarah had joined the sisters at the end.  Otherwise, this script had some nice visuals, but no real impact on me.  
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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OK...no, not OK.  Page 1 and I'm done.  Not sure what's up with this writing style, but it definitely does not work for a script.

You may have a  great story buried within this thin prose, but based on the previous posts, I highly doubt it.  I'm out.

Sorry, but I can't go on...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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khamanna
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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I thought of transitions when read it. One moment Sarah is talking nonsense and making jokes, the next they make Tristan kiss her and slice his throat and she just watches as if she can't move her legs and hands, make them stop, scream...

They sliced Tristan and Roger as if these were dummies. Too easy. The men didn't even put up a fight.

Did Sarah know she was joining occult - that I couldn't understand.
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bert
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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So I liked this one and I didn't.

The style almost evoked poetry -- and I wonder if the author always writes like this or was simply experimenting.

It is a style that served the script well for some parts, but held this work back during other segments that demanded a bit more detail for the story to be cohesive.

Particularly when the three first arrived at the campsite.  That scene and the minimalist dialogue given to the characters simply did not work.

I liked the deer legs -- great detail -- but then I did not like when the trio was referred to as "vampires".  They were so clearly something more than that.

Very interesting literary style-points for this one, but it would probably be more compelling if applied to a different story -- or at the very least, the author should allow themselves to "break character" once in a while and supply proper details where needed.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Pard
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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This almost felt dream-like, as if we were in the dream of one of the characters.  I found the sparse writing layout a tad disorientating.  I liked some of the visual descriptions and believe this script could make for some striking and memorable imagery.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Pard
This almost felt dream-like, as if we were in the dream of one of the characters.  I found the sparse writing layout a tad disorientating.  I liked some of the visual descriptions and believe this script could make for some striking and memorable imagery.


I agree. This script is highly unique and in my opinion is so very hellish, I hardly knew what to respond with except a poem.

My good God, if people can't see the value in this terrible thing, there's something wrong.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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keaton01
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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This isn't poetry it's a screenplay. Each action line should have an actual action. You can write a slower pace if you want, but this just doesn't read write. Like your initiative though Sandra.

I get it you are just trying to make a really short script seem longer. Truth is it would play longer. Drama and pacing in film can sometimes not match the page count, mainly in shorts. Over a longer piece this all averages out.

I see a familiar theme in these myths. A lot to do with death and the victim become the killer.


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