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Wild Ginger's Wine by Darren J Seeley (DarrenJamesSeeley) - Short - For their annual party in the forest, three women break in a new but reluctant member into the inner circle by drinking the blood of her boyfriend.
there were some very cool visuals here and I liked the dreamy tone of the scenes with the three women but when they got to the campsite, the three human's reactions didn't really feel natural to me. They had an odd exchange of names and it was all very mellow. Not like how I would imagine people to act if three women, wearing long dresses in the woods, imposed on their campsite.
Why did the women pick Sarah? It seemed like they were from another time, so why would they choose to pick another woman to join their group? I think that is the "story" you are lacking here.
-- The entire first page reads like you're writing your address on an envelope. Quirky to say the least.
-- When I read dissolve to: It always makes my nuts hurt.
-- "the water comes up to the shoulders of Azazel and Elke"
That reads to novel. You could've conveyed the water level, if even important at all, above when you introduced the 3 girls.
-- Your page 4 is a mess. I mean, text wreck.
"Sarah struggles, gets her left hand free. Ginger takes that hand. Leads it to the fire. Sarah rolls away, curls up. Holds her hand. Screams. Looks to Tristan. Shocked."
That is exactly how your page reads. Just like that... It's wide and spacious, but the problem here is it's too cumbersome to read broken thoughts. That is how someone would write a poem, not a script.
Sarah struggles to get her left hand free -- Ginger grabs Sarah by the wrist and pulls her hand directly into the fire.
SCREAMS of agony follow.
Relinquished from Ginger's grasp, Sarah rolls clear of the fire -- She curls up and holds her hand. Traumatized, Tristan looks on in shock.
Although clearly rushed for example, work with something like that.
-- Aside from many, various formating mistakes or just plain cumbersome choices your dialogue is also in need of some work too.
Sarah's in particular. It's just too static. All of it.
"No offense I'm just joking" "I don't want to die" "What on earth"
I mean, there wasn't much else to pick from here... It's all very light but what's here just isn't good.
-- Your story suffers from the usual (gotta get in and out in ten) that most OWC suffer from. I can't fault you here because I know how hard it is to wrangle your content down into something that fits or at least works on some of its cylinders. With that said, it just happens too fast.
Girls bathing Girls entering campsite in green gowns Girls take over the camp Girls take care of business Blood The end.
That's how it reads to the page.
In closing, not the worst I've read but not the best. Then again, none of the entries thus far are lighting any fires, "Them That's Dead" kind of aside... But, yeah, I get the feeling this is much a blue print as anything and that you'll probably go back and tune it up soon.
Thanks for entering the OWC. At times, the action stacking is so intense, I felt like I was reading a poem. I couldn't get a good reading rhythm on with the excessive spacing. There's some effective, albeit repulsive visuals here. Not much in the way of story or dialogue or goals. I think you could apply your imaginative gross out imagery to a better premise.
E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Very interesting images, could make an eye-catching film, with those green dresses and all. Not much in the story makes me want to know more about any of the characters. Definite horror elements in the script, and the feeling that normal life is out of control, that works, for sure.
There were some sharp visuals in this, classic horror type stuff.
I felt like the writer was capable of getting into the characters, developing them more, but just didn't have time maybe. I kept thinking it would happen on the next page. I think in a rewrite it will happen.
What was going on in terms of ritual sacrifice made sense, but needed to be fleshed out, explained. Again, could be included in rewrite.
There is stuff to build on here. Get building! I look forward to the rewrite.
Weird stuff * terse writing interlaced with sentences did distract from the story telling * some interesting visuals like vampires dancing around a fire * my favorite terse line “sarah conks out”
On page one, you intro one of the women as AZAZEL. You call her that several times. After that page, she becomes AZAREL for the rest of the script.
This had a cool setup, but I didn't like where you went with it. The encounter with the campers had a strange comic feel to it. And, any guy caught drinking wine coolers pretty much deserves a bloodletting.
I think this would have had more resonance if Sarah had joined the sisters at the end. Otherwise, this script had some nice visuals, but no real impact on me.
I thought of transitions when read it. One moment Sarah is talking nonsense and making jokes, the next they make Tristan kiss her and slice his throat and she just watches as if she can't move her legs and hands, make them stop, scream...
They sliced Tristan and Roger as if these were dummies. Too easy. The men didn't even put up a fight.
Did Sarah know she was joining occult - that I couldn't understand.
The style almost evoked poetry -- and I wonder if the author always writes like this or was simply experimenting.
It is a style that served the script well for some parts, but held this work back during other segments that demanded a bit more detail for the story to be cohesive.
Particularly when the three first arrived at the campsite. That scene and the minimalist dialogue given to the characters simply did not work.
I liked the deer legs -- great detail -- but then I did not like when the trio was referred to as "vampires". They were so clearly something more than that.
Very interesting literary style-points for this one, but it would probably be more compelling if applied to a different story -- or at the very least, the author should allow themselves to "break character" once in a while and supply proper details where needed.
This almost felt dream-like, as if we were in the dream of one of the characters. I found the sparse writing layout a tad disorientating. I liked some of the visual descriptions and believe this script could make for some striking and memorable imagery.
This almost felt dream-like, as if we were in the dream of one of the characters. I found the sparse writing layout a tad disorientating. I liked some of the visual descriptions and believe this script could make for some striking and memorable imagery.
I agree. This script is highly unique and in my opinion is so very hellish, I hardly knew what to respond with except a poem.
My good God, if people can't see the value in this terrible thing, there's something wrong.
This isn't poetry it's a screenplay. Each action line should have an actual action. You can write a slower pace if you want, but this just doesn't read write. Like your initiative though Sandra.
I get it you are just trying to make a really short script seem longer. Truth is it would play longer. Drama and pacing in film can sometimes not match the page count, mainly in shorts. Over a longer piece this all averages out.
I see a familiar theme in these myths. A lot to do with death and the victim become the killer.
Don't underline your titles. All caps will be fine.
Needs left justified FADE IN: and right justified FADE OUT:
Can a woman crawl in a dress that hangs past her knees?
Okay, creepy story. Not a heart pounder HORROR! but plenty creepy with a evil little twist at the end. I don't know why people are grieving over your "poetic" style. Fine by me.
Never thought I'd say this; Too much white space can actually be a bad thing... This script read like an 6th grader was trying to write an 8 page paper for his teacher but it clocked in at 3 so he/she did some radical, creative spacing. Your entire first page could have fit into probably 6 to 8 lines.
Aside from that, you have 3 creatures randomly attack a woman, her boyfriend and his brother (why the three of them are camping together, I don't know, but I let it slide) and proceed to kill and eat the men (Robert's name randomly changes to Roger about halfway down page 5 I think) and then brutally rape and inexplicably transform Sarah. There was zero story and even less characterization. The campers reactions to the women were not realistic. Sarah introduces everyone rather than wondering why these weird chicks in matching dresses are crowding in on her group's territory. It just didn't make any sense.
There were some interesting visuals, but I'm sorry to say that they cannot redeem a complete lack of story. Work on building good characters, make us care about them, gives us reason to want them to succeed or to want them to fail, then the creepy visuals will have more of an impact.
Your logline is absolutely hilarious. I don't know if you intended that. A couple women wanna hang out with a new buddy, so the initiation is to drink her husband's blood? That's hilariously awesome!
Seriously -- Maybe throw in something about the mythological stuff so people don't think Amy Tan wrote this.
The story could use some revision. As it stands it's just kind of random; trio of women attack these people, lots of blood, then Sarah is initiated to become one of them. One common piece of feedback I've given a lot during this OWC is that there's too much going on but in this one I think there's too little. Flesh it out a little bit. You can definitely save even more space by cutting back on the single line descriptions. Less is better, but I dunno - for this one it just read awkward for some reason.
The visuals are really good which is what makes this a haunting tale. A little more story and I think you'd having something really good here.
First of all, let me tell you all that I was very close not submitting this. When I was writing it the first time, I actually hit the wrong window and it was lost in the netherworld. So the next day I started again, using some of the notes I jotted down and from memory.. You know how it is with your scripts- you put something away for a time be it 12 hours or 12 days and -wham!- you are drawn back into your own story like you never left it. Sometimes you are even sober and can have a clear mind. Because of the first draft loss – and staying up til 3 am writing the darned rewrite, nearing the end of the deadline I gave the alias “Alan Smithee” and submitted it. Otherwise, I would have used the alias I had for the other submission, “The Flesh Won't Be Missed”.
When Don e-mailed me that another SS writer used Alan Smithee as an alias, when I read it, it was a half hour before the deadline. Plenty of time to make that correction, right?
Wrong.
See, when I went back to use Jack Ketch as my alias for 'Wine' I noticed something about the script.. I was horrified to see two things.
One, I wrote the submitted script in the STACKING style. Stacking, while technically legal in screenwriting, is generally discouraged in spec writing. It is archaic to some, “page time” manipulative to others. I was a bit surprised nobody mentioned it-folks thought it was prose (probably another reason why stacking isn't well loved). Some folks got by it okay, but found it distracting. Fair enough. Why else would I have been horrified? I usually don't write like that.
Two, as I was looking over my, um, “prose” there was the intentionally done scene where the three vampire sisters (sorry, Bert, The Baobhan Sith ARE “celtic” vampires) quickly subdue Tristan and Rodger, rape and kill them with Sarah disabled. The intent was to have this surreal, choppy quality like a bad dream (score one for khnna) but maybe it was too quick. I also had a better idea on how to end it. I did have another 2-3 pages MIA after all. But I let it go as is as far as the OWC goes. I knew I would be smacked a good one by most—but I was curious to see the reaction.
In any case, I decided to rewrite Wind Ginger's Wine and resubmit it under my own name, The stacking is corrected; the new ending helped with the campsite scene a little bit (Tristan and Rodger now have lines) and, yes, there are a few extra bits of gore. Hopefully most of you will give this a second read in the revised form.
Your logline is absolutely hilarious. I don't know if you intended that. A couple women wanna hang out with a new buddy, so the initiation is to drink her husband's blood? That's hilariously awesome!
Seriously -- Maybe throw in something about the mythological stuff so people don't think Amy Tan wrote this.
Thanks Greg. I did play with the logline a little, and it is, in a point of view, accurate (except the logline acttually said 'boyfriend', not 'husband' -but that's a trivial matter.) But, like my other OWC short, I did a bit of background research into the legends and myths.
The three "sisters" are Celtic vampires known as Baobhan Sith. Traditional legends have them in green dresses (a forest motif), and while they do not have vampire fangs, they use fingernails instead. They also have the long dresses to cover up a frightening mutation: the feet are hooves. They can burn in sunlight and will avoid it. They also hunt for men to kill once a year.
The only thing I didn't include was the fear of iron. I didn't have a place for it.
Don't underline your titles. All caps will be fine.
Needs left justified FADE IN: and right justified FADE OUT:
Can a woman crawl in a dress that hangs past her knees?
Okay, creepy story. Not a heart pounder HORROR! but plenty creepy with a evil little twist at the end. I don't know why people are grieving over your "poetic" style. Fine by me.
Congrats!
Of course, Ginger, Elke and Azarel were Celt vampires Baobham Sith. Since they all have non-human ankles/feet, this question you raise Ray, could be explained in that way.
The "poetic" style was an error on my part. It was not intended to be that way. In a quick revision of sorts, much of this draft was 'stacked'. Besides, considering my other entry, the only thing I really succeeded in doing is convincing readers it wasn't me.
Maybe it still wasn't... It was my evil psycho twin possessed by Xenu.
A rewrite is subitted (and with a FASE IN left justified this time) and brave souls will see the difference. I also added a few scenes esp. with the campers. Thanks for your time.
there were some very cool visuals here and I liked the dreamy tone of the scenes with the three women but when they got to the campsite, the three human's reactions didn't really feel natural to me. They had an odd exchange of names and it was all very mellow. Not like how I would imagine people to act if three women, wearing long dresses in the woods, imposed on their campsite.
Why did the women pick Sarah? It seemed like they were from another time, so why would they choose to pick another woman to join their group? I think that is the "story" you are lacking here.
The choosing of Sarah was random. The idea was to be dreamlike and surreal; in this draft they are man-secuders, man-haters and man-eaters. They didn't know quite what to do with Sarah except beat her up, and turn her into one of them...but they would have left her buried alive.
The idea was to kill the men quickly....and, in thier POV, what the men say (or would have said) would be ignored. I changed this in the rewrite a small bit though- because I too had scond thoughts about how fast it transpired.
But, yeah, I get the feeling this is much a blue print as anything and that you'll probably go back and tune it up soon.
Less than a few hours after submitting, in fact. Butt I took more time throughout the week adding and subtracting a few things as well. Your points are legit and justified. Thanks.
Thanks for entering the OWC. At times, the action stacking is so intense, I felt like I was reading a poem. I couldn't get a good reading rhythm on with the excessive spacing. There's some effective, albeit repulsive visuals here. Not much in the way of story or dialogue or goals. I think you could apply your imaginative gross out imagery to a better premise.
E.D.
The only one who called my blunder for what it was. Stacking. I get a bit more into character- and a bit more repulsive- in the follow up. Your last comment, since you read me before, is slightly prophetic before the names were revealed. It made me smile. Thanks for your time.
Very interesting images, could make an eye-catching film, with those green dresses and all. Not much in the story makes me want to know more about any of the characters. Definite horror elements in the script, and the feeling that normal life is out of control, that works, for sure.
Thanks CM. But the majority of the OWC scripts, even with the flaws and imperfections, could make eye-catching (or eye averting) films. While I was writing this version, my mind was out of control...my coffee was way too strong even with the artificail Hazlenutty flavored creamer...
The campfire characters didn't feel like the perfect fit for this story.
Wasn't either a strong enough theme or a strong enough narrative to really hang the atmosphere on.
Very nice attempt, but needs development.
Thanks, Rick. Some of your comments are being take tnto account. The writing style, however, isn't going to be as spacey in the update. Most of the imagrey wil still remain Not just dropped to the next line or two
OK...no, not OK. Page 1 and I'm done. Not sure what's up with this writing style, but it definitely does not work for a script.
You may have a great story buried within this thin prose, but based on the previous posts, I highly doubt it. I'm out.
Sorry, but I can't go on...
I hope you'll return when the rewrite goes up. If not, I understand. I'll probably do a belated comment on yours or read something else you have- you could even name it if you want.
There were some sharp visuals in this, classic horror type stuff.
I felt like the writer was capable of getting into the characters, developing them more, but just didn't have time maybe. I kept thinking it would happen on the next page. I think in a rewrite it will happen.
What was going on in terms of ritual sacrifice made sense, but needed to be fleshed out, explained. Again, could be included in rewrite.
There is stuff to build on here. Get building! I look forward to the rewrite.
Bingo. I fully admit that this version was rushed, hence the stacking. I also was writing as visual as I could with as little dialog as I could. In fact the "lost" version had no dialog at all! (I was trying for something Pia suggested in another thread a few weeks prior to the OWC.) But in my haste, I simply wanted the guys to be silent and overtaken by the monsters. Fast.
The blood flows, and evil knows , of this vile mind, in human kind.
Can you imagine, If you can, Then are we damned? The sons of men
Sandra
For a while, I thought you didn't care for it. Then I sawyour comment in the other thread (A word about OWC challenge) and I was pleasantly surprised. I don't think you loved it, of course, but you didn't hate it.
Again, the format was by accident and I owed up to it. Yet some folks like it---no, come to think of it, they are just being sympathetic. But I know what most others 'round here secretly think...
Quoted Text
Darren!!You wrote this piece of junk????!!!YOU!!?? The guy who wrote Pumpkinseeds the madman who wrote Rancorium? Spring Comfort? Mallory's Friend? Crimson Scarab? The Planted?? And you wrote Flesh Won't Be Missed!! What the bloody hell is... do you got MPD or sumptin?
You liked this? Really? Well, okay. Hope you stick around for the update.
AS of now the revision is up. Please be aware that I overlooked ROBERT becoming RODGER. Unless there's something else noted, I won't resub on this anytime soon.
This was a very visual script. I liked it. It was different than what I normally read on here, but it did feel more like a poem than a script at some points. One of my favorite things about this was the bandana made of human hair and ears. Trippy stuff. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for your time and encouragement Branzig. I actually thought I corrected a bit of the poem-y verse. But I was still aiming for the visual demented kick. It might be something I'll have to do myself one day.
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Wild Ginger's Wine - Feb 2011 OWC
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