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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Wild Ginger's Wine - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Wild Ginger's Wine - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 4167 views)
RayW
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Alan

Don't underline your titles. All caps will be fine.

Needs left justified FADE IN: and right justified FADE OUT:

Can a woman crawl in a dress that hangs past her knees?

Okay, creepy story. Not a heart pounder HORROR! but plenty creepy with a evil little twist at the end.
I don't know why people are grieving over your "poetic" style.
Fine by me.

Congrats!  



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shootingduck
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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Never thought I'd say this; Too much white space can actually be a bad thing...  This script read like an 6th grader was trying to write an 8 page paper for his teacher but it clocked in at 3 so he/she did some radical, creative spacing.  Your entire first page could have fit into probably 6 to 8 lines.

Aside from that, you have 3 creatures randomly attack a woman, her boyfriend and his brother (why the three of them are camping together, I don't know, but I let it slide) and proceed to kill and eat the men (Robert's name randomly changes to Roger about halfway down page 5 I think) and then brutally rape and inexplicably transform Sarah.  There was zero story and even less characterization.  The campers reactions to the women were not realistic.  Sarah introduces everyone rather than wondering why these weird chicks in matching dresses are crowding in on her group's territory.  It just didn't make any sense.

There were some interesting visuals, but I'm sorry to say that they cannot redeem a complete lack of story.  Work on building good characters, make us care about them, gives us reason to want them to succeed or to want them to fail, then the creepy visuals will have more of an impact.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Pros

Unusual and intriguing title.

Evocative imagery.

Poetic and atmospheric tone.

Cons

The campfire characters didn't feel like the perfect fit for this story.

Wasn't either a strong enough theme or a strong enough narrative to really hang the atmosphere on.

Very nice attempt, but needs development.

Revision History (1 edits)
Scar Tissue Films  -  March 5th, 2011, 8:59pm
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greg
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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Your logline is absolutely hilarious.  I don't know if you intended that.  A couple women wanna hang out with a new buddy, so the initiation is to drink her husband's blood?  That's hilariously awesome!  

Seriously -- Maybe throw in something about the mythological stuff so people don't think Amy Tan wrote this.  

The story could use some revision.  As it stands it's just kind of random; trio of women attack these people, lots of blood, then Sarah is initiated to become one of them.  One common piece of feedback I've given a lot during this OWC is that there's too much going on but in this one I think there's too little.  Flesh it out a little bit.  You can definitely save  even more space by cutting back on the single line descriptions.  Less is better, but I dunno - for this one it just read awkward for some reason.  

The visuals are really good which is what makes this a haunting tale.  A little more story and I think you'd having something really good here.

Nice work.

Greg


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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First of all, let me tell you all that I was very close not submitting this. When I was writing it the first time, I actually hit the wrong window and it was lost in the netherworld. So the next day I started again, using some of the notes I jotted down and from memory.. You know how it is with your scripts- you put something away for a time be it 12 hours or 12 days and -wham!- you are drawn back into your own story like you never left it. Sometimes you are even sober and can have a clear mind. Because of the first draft loss – and staying up til 3 am writing the darned rewrite, nearing the end of the deadline I gave the alias “Alan Smithee” and submitted it. Otherwise, I would have used the alias I had for the other submission, “The Flesh Won't Be Missed”.

When Don e-mailed me that another SS writer used Alan Smithee as an alias, when I read it, it was a half hour before the deadline. Plenty of time to make that correction, right?

Wrong.

See, when I went back to use Jack Ketch as my alias for 'Wine' I noticed something about the script.. I was horrified to see two things.

One, I wrote the submitted script in the STACKING style. Stacking, while technically legal in screenwriting, is generally discouraged in spec writing.  It is archaic to some, “page time” manipulative to others. I was a bit surprised nobody mentioned it-folks thought it was prose (probably another reason why stacking isn't well loved). Some folks got by it okay, but found it distracting. Fair enough. Why else would I have been horrified? I usually don't write like that.

Two, as I was looking over my, um, “prose” there was the intentionally done scene where the three vampire sisters (sorry, Bert, The Baobhan Sith ARE “celtic” vampires) quickly subdue Tristan and Rodger, rape and kill them with Sarah disabled. The intent was to have this surreal, choppy quality like a bad dream (score one for khnna) but maybe it was too quick. I also had a better idea on how to end it. I did have another 2-3 pages MIA after all. But I let it go as is as far as the OWC goes. I knew I would be smacked a good one by most—but I was curious to see the reaction.

In any case, I decided to rewrite Wind Ginger's Wine and resubmit it under my own name, The stacking is corrected; the new ending helped with the campsite scene a little bit (Tristan and Rodger now have lines) and, yes, there are a few extra bits of gore. Hopefully most of you will give this a second read in the revised form.

More to come.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from greg
Your logline is absolutely hilarious.  I don't know if you intended that.  A couple women wanna hang out with a new buddy, so the initiation is to drink her husband's blood?  That's hilariously awesome!  

Seriously -- Maybe throw in something about the mythological stuff so people don't think Amy Tan wrote this.  



Thanks Greg. I did play with the logline a little, and it is, in a point of view, accurate (except the logline acttually said 'boyfriend', not 'husband' -but that's a trivial matter.) But, like my other OWC short, I did a bit of background research into the legends and myths.

The three "sisters" are Celtic vampires known as Baobhan Sith. Traditional legends have them in green dresses (a forest motif), and while they do not have vampire fangs, they use fingernails instead.  They also have the long dresses to cover up a frightening mutation: the feet are hooves. They can burn in sunlight and will avoid it. They also hunt for men to kill once a year.

The only thing I didn't include was the fear of iron. I didn't have a place for it.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RayW
Hi, Alan

Don't underline your titles. All caps will be fine.

Needs left justified FADE IN: and right justified FADE OUT:

Can a woman crawl in a dress that hangs past her knees?

Okay, creepy story. Not a heart pounder HORROR! but plenty creepy with a evil little twist at the end.
I don't know why people are grieving over your "poetic" style.
Fine by me.

Congrats!  


Of course, Ginger, Elke and Azarel were Celt vampires Baobham Sith. Since they all have non-human ankles/feet, this question you raise Ray, could be explained in that way.

The "poetic" style was an error on my part. It was not intended to be that way. In a quick revision of sorts, much of this draft was 'stacked'. Besides, considering my other entry, the only thing I really succeeded in doing is convincing readers it wasn't me.

Maybe it still wasn't...
It was my evil psycho twin possessed by Xenu.

A rewrite is subitted (and with a FASE IN left justified this time) and brave souls will see the difference. I also added a few scenes esp. with the campers.
Thanks for your time.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 9:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from wannabe
there were some very cool visuals here and I liked the dreamy tone of the scenes with the three women but when they got to the campsite, the three human's reactions didn't really feel natural to me.  They had an odd exchange of names and it was all very mellow.  Not like how I would imagine people to act if three women, wearing long dresses in the woods, imposed on their campsite.

Why did the women pick Sarah?  It seemed like they were from another time, so why would they choose to pick another woman to join their group?  I think that is the "story" you are lacking here.


The choosing of Sarah was random. The idea was to be dreamlike and surreal; in this draft they are man-secuders, man-haters and man-eaters. They didn't know quite what to do with Sarah except beat her up, and turn her into one of them...but they would have left her buried alive.

The idea was to kill the men quickly....and, in thier POV, what the men say (or would have said) would be ignored. I changed this in the rewrite a small bit though- because I too had scond thoughts about how fast it transpired.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 9:39pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Baltis.
  But, yeah, I get the feeling this is much a blue print as anything and that you'll probably go back and tune it up soon.


Less than a few hours after submitting, in fact. Butt I took more time throughout the week adding and subtracting a few things as well. Your points are legit and justified.
Thanks.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Thanks for entering the OWC.
At times, the action stacking is so intense, I felt like I was reading a poem.
I couldn't get a good reading rhythm on with the excessive spacing.
There's some effective, albeit repulsive visuals here.
Not much in the way of story or dialogue or goals.
I think you could apply your imaginative gross out imagery to a better premise.

E.D.


The only one who called my blunder for what it was. Stacking.
I get a bit more into character- and a bit more repulsive- in the follow up.
Your last comment, since you read me before, is slightly prophetic before the names were revealed. It made me smile.
Thanks for your time.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from c m hall
Very interesting images, could make an eye-catching film, with those green dresses and all.  Not much in the story makes me want to know more about any of the characters.  Definite horror elements in the script, and the feeling that normal life is out of control, that works, for sure.


Thanks CM. But the majority of the OWC scripts, even with the flaws and imperfections, could make eye-catching (or eye averting) films. While I was writing this version, my mind was out of control...my coffee was way too strong even with the artificail Hazlenutty flavored creamer...



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Pros

Unusual and intriguing title.

Evocative imagery.

Poetic and atmospheric tone.

Cons

The campfire characters didn't feel like the perfect fit for this story.

Wasn't either a strong enough theme or a strong enough narrative to really hang the atmosphere on.

Very nice attempt, but needs development.


Thanks, Rick. Some of your comments are being take tnto account. The writing style, however, isn't going to be as spacey in the update. Most of the imagrey wil still remain
Not just
dropped to
the next line
or two

Thanks again




"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
OK...no, not OK.  Page 1 and I'm done.  Not sure what's up with this writing style, but it definitely does not work for a script.

You may have a  great story buried within this thin prose, but based on the previous posts, I highly doubt it.  I'm out.

Sorry, but I can't go on...


I hope you'll return when the rewrite goes up. If not, I understand.
I'll probably do a belated comment on yours or read something else you have- you could even name it if you want.

That's the way I roll.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 10:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
Do they still make wine coolers?

There were some sharp visuals in this, classic horror type stuff.

I felt like the writer was capable of getting into the characters, developing them more, but just didn't have time maybe. I kept thinking it would happen on the next page. I think in a rewrite it will happen.

What was going on in terms of ritual sacrifice made sense, but needed to be fleshed out, explained. Again, could be included in rewrite.

There is stuff to build on here. Get building! I look forward to the rewrite.


Bingo. I fully admit that this version was rushed, hence the stacking. I also was writing as visual as I could with as little dialog as I could. In fact the "lost" version had no dialog at all! (I was trying for something Pia suggested in another thread a few weeks prior to the OWC.) But in my haste, I simply wanted the guys to be silent and overtaken by the monsters. Fast.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.

The blood flows,
and evil knows ,
of this vile mind,
in human kind.

Can you imagine,
If you can,
Then are we damned?
The sons of men

Sandra



For a while, I thought you didn't care for it. Then I sawyour comment in the other thread (A word about OWC challenge) and I was pleasantly surprised. I don't think you loved it, of course, but you didn't hate it.

Again, the format was by accident and I owed up to it.
Yet some folks like it---no, come to think of it, they are just being sympathetic.
But I know what most others 'round here secretly think...


Quoted Text
Darren!!You wrote this piece of junk????!!!YOU!!?? The guy who wrote Pumpkinseeds the madman who wrote Rancorium? Spring Comfort? Mallory's Friend? Crimson Scarab? The Planted?? And you wrote Flesh Won't Be Missed!! What the bloody hell is... do you got MPD or sumptin?


You liked this? Really?
Well, okay.
Hope you stick around for the update.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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