SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 21st, 2019, 3:07pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)


Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  The God Stick - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Angry Bear
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The God Stick - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 4846 views)
leitskev
Posted: December 2nd, 2011, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
3136
Posts Per Day
0.95
When my relatives used visit, I could hardly understand them sometimes, especially if they had a few. Not only was the brogue strong, but they spoke extremely fast. They are mostly from Mount Collins in Limerick, a little place.

My grandfather, who came here when he was 16, kept the accent until he died at 90. But I could understand him no problem. He actually grew up a short distance away in Cork. We found out some of the tale when he died.

There were 13 kids on the family farm. My grandfather was the youngest male, though he had 2 younger sisters. When he was about 3 or 4, the nanny in charge of raising the little ones went crazy and tried to drown my grandfather in the river. After that, they decided they just couldn't handle all the kids on the farm. They sent my grandfather to live on the farm of an Aunt and Uncle a few miles away in Cork. Though it wasn't far, he grew up not knowing his siblings. He didn't become acquainted with them again until many years later when he had been in the US for years, though they then became close.

Hard world they lived in.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 45 - 50
Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 2nd, 2011, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2836
Posts Per Day
0.84
Hey Ryan,

Always glad to pony up a revisit on your material.
I love the N17 Motorway reference.
Someone's been doing their homework.
I"m going through the same process for a new story.
Dissecting NYC and WMD assembly protocols for an action/thriller.
Part of why I dig "travelogue" scripts is the fun of the research!

The tale is very well told, sparse exposition.
Just enough flashback visuals not quite veer into redundancy.

The God Stick reveal is tenfold stronger now after Adam's impassioned words.
Visceral image of one generation giving the stick to another.
The stick change is so much better now.
It builds the anticipation to the climax much smoother, IMO.

I think it still needs one last turn of the screw from Sorcha.
I still maintain she needs a line about the family to enrage Sean.
Something about "the new welp this time".
A crass remark about how the "last one" was a fun to watch deteriorate over the years.
Something personal about Sean's dad like that while he's "on the ropes".
That rage sparks his reversal and eventual destruction of Sorcha.
Which, BTW, is a great name and I liked her in that "other script" too.

Fine work!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 46 - 50
Ryan1
Posted: December 2nd, 2011, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1110
Posts Per Day
0.32
Thanks for this giving this a reread, Kev and Brett.  Your comments are appreciated.  Except for this one.


Quoted from leitskev
So the witch is 0 and 200. Even Ryan's Dolphin's are better than that!


Damn you to Sorcha's hell pit.  And the notion of the Colts running the table in reverse and getting Andrew Luck...guuuh.  Best not to think about it.

Now, as far as the grandfather not preparing Sean and just throwing him into the cottage for his throwdown, the way I saw it, it's not something that old Adam could  convince Sean was real without him seeing and experiencing it.  I mean, if an old man tells you this ancient witch is going to burst forth from the earth, you're probably going to think the old coot has lost his marbles.  Adam was too old and feeble to be in there with Sean, so, as he saw it, this was the only solution.  Not a perfect solution, by any means, but I suppose he felt the Roarke genes and the God Stick were enough to give Sean a fighting chance.  The sudden death of Sean's father forced this awkward situation where Sean was not properly prepared, so Adam had to make the best of it.

And as far as being 0-200, I guess Sorcha is at a serious disadvantage.  She's only got 60 seconds to make her escape, and these Roarke men got fightin' in their blood, as well as a sacred, almost invincible weapon.  So, yeah, she's got her work cut out for her.  Maybe there's been times in the past where she beat down the Roarke she was fighting, and nearly made it out of the cottage, only to sucked back into the pit at the last second.  One of the things I liked about idea behind the story was that this was merely the latest chapter in an ongoing family saga that will continue throughout the years.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 47 - 50
Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 2nd, 2011, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2836
Posts Per Day
0.84

Quoted from Ryan1
Thanks for this giving this a reread, Kev and Brett.  Your comments are appreciated.  Except for this one.

Now, as far as the grandfather not preparing Sean and just throwing him into the cottage for his throwdown, the way I saw it, it's not something that old Adam could  convince Sean was real without him seeing and experiencing it.


Whatever tweaks you did this draft neutralized those concerns this time around.
I forgot to mention that earlier. And I should have.

ANd I wish the Fins all the luck in the world.
I love seeing underdogs prevailed, especially when they can't catch the Pats.

Comments are so valuable to me in so many intangible ways.
For instance, I was replying to your thoughts on Clone Wife today.
And that combined with something Mark said gave me a new inspiration.

Then WHAM-O! New Clone Wife ending!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 48 - 50
leitskev
Posted: December 2nd, 2011, 9:42pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
3136
Posts Per Day
0.95
Brett, I posted a suggestion for a new ending to Clone a while back. I guess you didn't like it, since no response. Funny thing was, I actually got a PM regarding it from someone I had never spoken to before. He called the suggestion "genius". Those words don't often attach themselves to anything related to me. So I've become friendly with the guy, we've reviewed each other's work. He's a pretty good writer.

Ryan, Dolphins haven't quit. I respect that. Not easy to hang tough in the NFL when there's nothing to play for. The Colts are not going to use that pick. They will trade it. Manning is coming back. Unless the Colts release him, in which case you guys can sign him. He's do a 26 million bonus in March, so he really might get released.

As far as the story, not sure if I made sense, but what I'm saying is that there's a lot of large leaps of faith you have to make to buy into things. Let me express a general point.

We all know that stakes are huge in film. For them to be effective, they also have to be believable to some extent. So sometimes we don't want the stakes to be calamity and destruction of the free world. It subtracts from the believability of things.

Even accepting all of these things, it does seem at the very least the grandfather would stay in with Sean and direct him against the witch. But the problem is cumulative. There are just too many times the audience is asked to suspend disbelief. But it seems to not have been a problem with most here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 49 - 50
Ryan1
Posted: December 2nd, 2011, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1110
Posts Per Day
0.32
I think the Colts just can't pass up on Luck.  He's viewed as this commodity that only comes up every ten years or so, and it's already been shown the Colts have no backup if Manning gets hurt.  The Manning trade is probably a little closer to reality.  Best case for the fins, they fire Sparano and grab either Gruden or Cowher, secure Manning in a trade and possibly grab Matt Barkley in the draft.


Quoted from leitskev

Even accepting all of these things, it does seem at the very least the grandfather would stay in with Sean and direct him against the witch. But the problem is cumulative. There are just too many times the audience is asked to suspend disbelief. But it seems to not have been a problem with most here.


The problem I have with Adam being in there with Sorcha obviously is that he's just too old and feeble and Sorcha could use the old man's presence against Sean.  As in, hurting him badly, distracting Sean long enough to make her escape.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 50 - 50
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    February 2011 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006