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Note to self...don't ever make fun of the Bean Sidhe. I liked the idea here. I wasn't sure what Christian was doing when he went up the tree...I thought he was going to play her a song. LOL. That was a good reveal.
There were a few odd moments though. When they met Tadhg it just felt like there should have been more of a reaction...even though they knew him. This would have been a good place to add some tension. It's dark, they see someone approaching...something like that. And I think you need a little set up before we see Lorraine and Christian on their walk. Maybe him trying to convince her to go. She doesn't want to go out in the dark, maybe because of the Banshee rumors. We see them in the garage and then next scene they're walking with a napsack. It just seemed like a jump.
But all in all, this was an entertaining and easy read.
This is an effective concept, set in a good location, that uses a strong bad guy and an effective twist. The formatting is a little off, and the story might take a little long to get going and have a few surplus characters early on.
These are notes I made as I read:
I know the title is a Celtic thing, but “An Bean” might make other people think this is a vegetarian meal!
Pg 1 – “LORRAINE KELLY” – I believe she’s a famous British TV presenter, so another name might be better.
You’ve got a tense start and set up a mystery.
Pg 2 – “HEADSTONES and CELTIC CROSSES” – I’m not sure these need to be capitalized.
I might be wrong, but I’m seeing some quite tight line spacing.
Pg 5 – The apparent hoax element of this works well. It’s taken a little while to set this up, but it now feels like the story is moving along.
Pg 8 – The Banshee’s a good chilling enemy.
Pg 10 – The story concludes and wraps up with some effective conflict.
Don't need to start the first page with the title that's on the title page. Juno? Also, don't need the quotation marks. And certainly not an underline, unless you want to make it bold and in fifty-five point helvetica with, what was it? macaroni? glued to it? And glitter, too. Then quotations and an underline are fine. Otherwise, all caps alone is fine.
Story kinda jumps around a bit. And it does start off rather slow, but I understand building tension is important, so maybe that's my problem. I failed to understand how the two story lines worked together. Dialog's a little dry, but okay. Action sequences are decent.
I liked it * the premise of a boy pulling a joke and having to deal with the real thing goes back to the wolf and the boy * the writing had a something-something to it – good use of different verbs * I liked the tension build up on this one
Concept-wise and story-wise, this is well done and well put together. But the actual writing is what not only sinks this, but also makes it a VERY TOUGH chug.
Here's the deal...
As someone already pointed out, it appears like your screenwriting software has some issues. Everything seems crammed together...visually daunting and a hard read.
You've got so many tiny scenes inter cutting back and forth, it gives a feel like I can never settle into any single scene. Let's look at this closer...
I think you have roughly 32 scenes here in 10 pages, meaning, roughly 20 seconds per scene...that's alot! You also have numerous inserts, meaning on average, each scene or insert is onscreen less than 15 seconds, many of which are literally a few seconds. It's not a comfortable read and wouldn't be an enjoyable view either, because of this.
Basically, there's just way too much going on, and too many characters for a 10 page short, IMO.
When the banshee talks, you use a double dialogue box to show subtitles of what's being said. That's incorrect and again, something that really slows the read down and takes me out of the events going on.
There a bunch of typos/mistakes/missing words, missing punctuation that also makes the read harder than it needs to be.
I had alot of issues with your action writing, as well. It just seems like there isn't enough detail or something's missing. For instance, in the finale, things don't come off as realistic, people appear, disappear too easily and without explanation. hard to put this down in writing so that I'm being clear, without going into great detail, but it's something that I felt as I was reading and it didn't work for me.
I like your story here. It's well thought out and put together. I even like your 2 main characters, as well as the banshee. The dialogue is better than most and shows either a knowledge of the area or some much appreciated research.
As it is now, though, it needs alot of attention and cleaning up. I think you need to lose some of the unimportant characters, get rid of a bunch of scenes that aren't necessary, and concentrate on the central story, which is your strong suit here.
Congrats on a nice OWC entry!
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
This effort is one of the better attempts at the mythology. The domino graveyard was unintentionally chuckle worthy. I definitely would have enjoyed this more sans the television crew. The idea of playing a telephone line was oddly believable. Everything felt too rushed and dense, constipated pages. The scenes were tripping over themselves to get to the next one. I'd like to see this writer meditate on a simple visual concept and keep it lean.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
The young, promising power hitter steps up to the plate. The pitch...a deep drive, way back...!
I had the feeling early that this could be a home run. But I'd say...off the wall, the runner is rounding second...
The setting was very good, the concept excellent, the characters were solid if not quite developed yet. But it got a little tougher to read as it went on, though should be easy to fix that. Some things just left me confused, but I think they are all things that would be fixed in rewrite.
--lamp you? I don't know what that means.
--p. 2 confused me; were they walking together? opposite directions? Tadghe just popped in out of no where and I couldn't tell. I reread several times to make sure, which slowed me down. I think they were just crossing paths on the road. Maybe I'm too slow on the uptake to grasp that right away, but assume there are others slow like me reading this.
The inserts seemed like an unnecessary distraction.
"An old telephone line meanders drunkenly by the roadside." --someone will hate you for that line, but I liked it. Original, paints the perfect picture efficiently.
--does that trick work with violin string? If so, gonna try it this weekend. Hope I don't get confused and hit the power line.
"Carthaigh, your linage who would not pay a keening woman and had me starve. Mock me more." --if you created that explanation for the legend, I think that's pretty cool, plausible.
--the BAnshea learned from his telephone wire trick, exploited it with her own power. Nice job of expanding, modernizing the legend, which I think I recall being something the challenge hoped for.
--when Christian stumbled over the rotting foot, I thought it was Lorraine...probably because he thought it was Lorraine. I know, how could it be rotting? Well, that kind of stuff happens in these stories. But it led to confusion for me when she woke up from her trance. I know, my slowness again, but someone else probably made the same mistake.
So I think this was not hit out of the park, but the runner is in scoring position. Should score on the rewrite! Good, solid work.
p6 - that's where I first see The Young Woman - I didn't see you introduce her to us properly though. Wondering if I missed it. No description either. p8 I wonder if you have to give us SUBTITLE like that. Maybe you do but asks someone who knows.
You let us believe he's dead at first - that's really good.
I liked the tale, very creepy and an exciting read.
Very good story, great atmosphere, good characters. The dialogue conveys a great deal of information, maybe enough to give the background information needed . I don't know how this would work as a short film, you'd want the audience to enter this world slowly, enjoy the richness of the tale.