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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Bean Sidhe - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Angry Bear
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  Author    Bean Sidhe - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 3597 views)
bert
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, did the author actually intend for Nadine to come off as bat-shite crazy?

(spoilers)

That made her an interesting character in this story, to me anyway, but the midpoint reveal in this story strains the bounds of credibility.

Unless that is the point?  That Chris could only have pulled off this crazy scheme is his wife were a few McNuggets short of a Happy Meal?

You tell us that Christina scrambles up, that there is nothing wrong with her, only to have her drop dead the next moment from causes unknown?

It is just so odd that it seems the whole scenario must have been conjured in Nadine's imagination, at least to a point, and the VO to accompany the credits seems to confirm that.  Or not.

There are interesting ideas going on here, but the author's true intent is not coming out for me.

Unless it's not supposed to?  I think I liked this one more than my review would lead you to believe, but it kind of confounded me, too.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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khamanna
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, Nadine must have cracked since Christina "crumbles away into nothingness".

I would change rifles to a hatchet perhaps. More gory and loaded rifles is a bit too much.

The Over Credits part provides no insight, you already said Bean Sidhe and Christina crumble into nothingness, which means Nadine must have flipped after hearing Sidhe howl on the night Christina died. --just an opinion, it's your story...

Maybe change 2 years into 6 months? --agains just an opinion...
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Ledbetter
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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I have to say, I liked this one.

Good story flow, decent setting and an ending that made for a good read.

So far, I think this is one of the better scripts I have read.

Good job!

Shawn.....><
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
So, did the author actually intend for Nadine to come off as bat-shite crazy?

(spoilers)

That made her an interesting character in this story, to me anyway, but the midpoint reveal in this story strains the bounds of credibility.

Unless that is the point?  That Chris could only have pulled off this crazy scheme is his wife were a few McNuggets short of a Happy Meal?

You tell us that Christina scrambles up, that there is nothing wrong with her, only to have her drop dead the next moment from causes unknown?

It is just so odd that it seems the whole scenario must have been conjured in Nadine's imagination, at least to a point, and the VO to accompany the credits seems to confirm that.  Or not.

There are interesting ideas going on here, but the author's true intent is not coming out for me.

Unless it's not supposed to?  I think I liked this one more than my review would lead you to believe, but it kind of confounded me, too.


I felt like there was a lot of subtle depth written into this one and it's one of my favorites. Glad to know you like it too, Bert. I was wondering if it was just me being weird, but you're intelligent enough and I and others respect your opinion; so the author can be assured that they did something right.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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greg
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 1:24am Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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That was a trip.

So...what were you going for here?  My guess of what happened is Chris killed Christina and now he and Nadine are being haunted by Bean Sidhe, and Christina wanted vengeance so Sidhe brought her back, then Nadine killed Chris...but then it turns out this was all a legend being told by a couple people in modern times?  That's the best I could do.  A little more explanation might fill in the holes.  

It wasn't bad and in actuality it wasn't as confusing as some of the other ones.  It just mostly left me scratching my head...perhaps even in a good way.

So nice job.

Greg


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c m hall
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 8:52am Report to Moderator
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Great atmosphere of the madness from grief and fear.  I think the voice overs at the end are helpful.  

SPOILERS

Christina saying that her father tried to kill her for her kidney... the story seems to suggest that this could be true or the vision could all be part of Nadine's madness, the mention at the end of advanced cancer makes it seem less likely that a transplant was really a consideration, although Chris seems to think it is -- what seems more likely is that Nadine can't cope with the accidental death of her daughter and having to watch her husband's fatal illness progress, and she goes into a state that's half passed crazy.
The potential life saving gift of an organ transplant is HUGE with emotion, if anything can tear a family apart it's having to decide who lives and who dies.  I think the subject is just too complex for the length of this script but you touch on a great deal of raw emotion.

I think this could be a very good film.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
c m hall  -  March 2nd, 2011, 9:16am
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keaton01
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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Wait a second. He faked a death and the mother didn't know? How is that possible. Did he hit her on the head while a fake police investigation happened, and fake funeral, and fake mourners? So glad this twisted away from that. The lady was just crazy. I didn't mind this one and beside the items below thought it was well written.

Artistically? What would that sound like?

Over Credtis? What are you the director now? Directors hate when you direct from the script.

Wheres the Fade Out?


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from keaton01
Wait a second. He faked a death and the mother didn't know? How is that possible. Did he hit her on the head while a fake police investigation happened, and fake funeral, and fake mourners? So glad this twisted away from that. The lady was just crazy. I didn't mind this one and beside the items below thought it was well written.

Artistically? What would that sound like?

Over Credtis? What are you the director now? Directors hate when you direct from the script.

Wheres the Fade Out?


Re directing from the script:

I'm not a director and really, I have the desire to leave all of the technical stuff up to the people that I know are the gifted individuals to get the job done, but...

I also don't like to see camera directions in a script-- unless, the writer absolutely, completely and positively feels he must in order to convey something very strongly.

Also too, skilled writers can most likely pull it off flawlessly, but for most of us, we just don't know. We haven't internalized it yet and thus, they're best left alone.

My feeling is that we need to concentrate on story first. Leave everything else up to the creative forces that will come into play later.

Good comment you made there. Helps people.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry, cause I see the effort and intent, but the finished product is...well..it's not great, IMO.

A ton of mistakes throughout, as well as your opening Slug, even.  Should read "NADINE'S -HOUSE", not "NADINE HOUSE".  Lots of odd phrasings throughout, as if English isn't your first language, or...well...I don't know.

Story-wise, this didn't work for me either.  Very over the top, goofy, completely unrealistic.

Good effort though for 1 week's time.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Dreamscale
I'm sorry, cause I see the effort and intent, but the finished product is...well..it's not great, IMO.

A ton of mistakes throughout, as well as your opening Slug, even.  Should read "NADINE'S -HOUSE", not "NADINE HOUSE".  Lots of odd phrasings throughout, as if English isn't your first language, or...well...I don't know.

Story-wise, this didn't work for me either.  Very over the top, goofy, completely unrealistic.

Good effort though for 1 week's time.


Completely disagree with you, Jeff.

See my comments in the other thread on this OWC.

You have completely missed on this one I think, but the writing is so subtle, I think I understand why.

May have some flaws, but this is OWC. and I think this comment is off-off  

???Very over the top, goofy, completely unrealistic.

And all of these stories aren't? If we're talking "normal" as we might like to think normal is?

Bean Sidhe was not unrealistic in terms of the way it was drawn.  Not at all. Not goofy. Not any more unrealistic than crimson swirl bullfighterettes, sharp-toothed mutes, living dead corn husk Cailliiix dolls, acrobatic-cappers shadowed by storm sprites... the list goes on.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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Just my opinion, Sandra.  As I said, I did see the effort here and I appreciate that.

The execution is far from sound, though.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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keaton01
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
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Khamanna, you used 'Over Credits'. I would've never guessed. This could be worked into something creepy. I'd be happy to read the rewrite.


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khamanna
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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I'll rewrite it and send it to you then? Just not tomorrow

Over Credits stays!!!
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khamanna
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 12:41am Report to Moderator
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Sandra, I'm so glad you liked it.

I think I owe you some closure then:

Nadine heard Bean Sidhe before Christina's death. Then Christina got run over by her father, while he was operating a tractor. And she never believed it was an accident. All she wanted to see her daughter again and ask her but that's not possible, is it? So Nadine sees Bean Sidhe again who gives lets her see Christina again...

If you're brave enough to think it's not an accident - do so

Khamanna
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RayW
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 12:58am Report to Moderator
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Hi, Khamanna

Wow. I thought you were going to win with all the interest there was in your story.
If you decide to work on this some more I'll be very interested in reading it.

The character's intense emotions really come through.
You do a good job of having them pour out their emotional power.

Congratulations, and quit leaving loaded guns around.  

Ray



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