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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Bean Sidhe - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Bean Sidhe - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 3736 views)
Don
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bean Sidhe by Charles Sanson - Short - When she wails she takes a soul with her.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format


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RayW
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Charles    (Spoilers, folks!)

Story's moving along okay.
The page four house/cabin/death of Christine thing has me a little confused.
Nadine's husband Chris has reported to his wife that Christine (presumably their child) was killed, and possibly he's been keeping her alive for two years in their backyard log cabin that Nadine hasn't been allowed into?
What?
Soundproofing?
What?
Lemme go back and reread all that...
Yep. That's what it looks like.
Strange.
Very strange.

Pg 5 - Bottom of page twist = W. T. H?

Pg 6 - The crumble thing was nice. The shooting & running was bizarre, though.

Chris the idiot keeps loaded rifles in his "handyman's lair"? On the wall?
Idiot.
He deserves to get shot just for being that stupid.

And I really don't get that ending.

Okey doke.
GL!



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Eoin
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 4:29am Report to Moderator
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This one was confusing. i kept wondering where this was set. Seemed suburban for some reason then the 'log cabin' in the yard? Where are we now, Norway, Nova Scotia? So the father wants a kidney, he supposedly pretends to kill his daughter, who seems to comply with this rouse and all the while his wife is totally unaware she is in the log cabin? Erm, okay. The lack of credibility undermines the story for me. So many loaded rifles on the cabin wall, unsecured?? Didn't understand why Christine crumbled away. The VO at the end didn't really work IMO. Your characters weren't bad, they had motives and some backstory. Good job on completing the OWC.
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RayW
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:42am Report to Moderator
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Eoin -     (SPOILERS!)   D@mn fools! This is a screenplay discussion forum. Whatdyathink you were going to read about?

So the father wants a kidney, he supposedly pretends to kill his daughter, who seems to comply with this rouse and all the while his wife is totally unaware she is in the log cabin? Erm, okay.

No, that was a fake "Christine" of dust that crumbles.
Almost a golem, definitely a ruse, made by the bean nighe to incite Nadine to kill Chris.
If I'm right, it's kind of a mixed mythology.

The dust golem only speaks to Nadine.
Go back and read only Chris' dialog. He speaks of Christine in the past tense, he doesn't see her, he's outside.
It crumbles away after Nadine mortally shoots Chris.



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Eoin
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RayW
Eoin -     (SPOILERS!)   D@mn fools! This is a screenplay discussion forum. Whatdyathink you were going to read about?

So the father wants a kidney, he supposedly pretends to kill his daughter, who seems to comply with this rouse and all the while his wife is totally unaware she is in the log cabin? Erm, okay.

No, that was a fake "Christine" of dust that crumbles.
Almost a golem, definitely a ruse, made by the bean nighe to incite Nadine to kill Chris.
If I'm right, it's kind of a mixed mythology.

The dust golem only speaks to Nadine.
Go back and read only Chris' dialog. He speaks of Christine in the past tense, he doesn't see her, he's outside.
It crumbles away after Nadine mortally shoots Chris.


Clarity of story telling should rule out as much ambugity as possible. Since Christine is supposedly dead, referring to her in the past isn't enough to indicate this. I could go to town on referring to Bean Sidhe as simply Bean, substitute woman into the dialouge and you'll see what I mean.
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RayW
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 8:39am Report to Moderator
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Clarity of story telling should rule out as much ambugity as possible.
Understood and agreed.

I could go to town on referring to Bean Sidhe as simply Bean, substitute woman into the dialouge and you'll see what I mean.
Is "bean" still an almost-common but acceptably useful word locally/regionally for "woman" currently?

Over here we could use "You guys" to refer to a group of men, boys, women or girls. So I could understand someone from elsewhere on the planet not understanding why we're calling women "guys".

Would a group of women be "beans"?



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Eoin
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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LOL - Yeah, the plural is Bčans - if a group went to the toilet together, as only women can, you could say the 'bčans are in the can'. In all seriousness the plural of bčan is Mnŕ.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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There's potential here. What I felt is that you were trying to show them all as being off-beat in an ugly sort of way and I think you succeeded there.

I wasn't really sure in the beginning, maybe even the whole thing, who was the evil one. Nadine was first made out as a sort of victim of lunacy. She hears the wailing. She hasn't managed to cook a decent meal in quite awhile and when she does, it lands as mush on the kitchen floor.

Here, I think you've done an outstanding job of establishing a context that drives us forward. I can almost hear strange music and sounds in this.

When you had Nadine breaking into a giggle and then a cough, this too was very significant. It showed her as unstable. But the interesting thing is, that her husband is equally so, and you've painted him as quite unsympathetic, uncaring. And here:

CHRIS
Guess it’s bread and butter day
again, huh? She glares at him but says nothing.

CHRIS
A couple of eggs with a toast
maybe? Come on Nadine, how long do I have, huh? Couple months?

*The poison drips from his tongue.

This is a couple that blow "normal" out of the water and yet, their subtle mean
spirited comments are very revealing and true to the spirit of some quite normal couples who have "issues".

When we learn of their daughter, imprisoned in a shed out back, we've definitely got
horror material, and she too, we find out is crazy due to some kind of obvious brainwashing from her father... Or, was it her father that brainwashed her into thinking "Daddy's doing a good thing"? Maybe it was the Bean all along, messing with the poor folk, turning 'em nutty.

I think you really have something here in terms of story, tone and a legitimate set up that can work with a few changes to identify these people as being under the effects of Bean-- all of them, including the girl.

Also, I guess a "what went wrong with the kidney" aspect might be worked out, providing more meaning again.

I liked this and I found it memorable and a worthwhile read.

Sandra



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Eoin
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Maybe in the context of this story she should be a kidney bčan? Okay, I'm going to stop now . . . slap on the wrist for me . . .
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leitskev
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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I am glad I gave this a second read. Understood it much better. Sometimes I am a poor reader.

SPOILER

So the husband needs a kidney, maybe has two months left to live. The Bean appeared before Christina died, and Seth. When she appears now, they assume it is for Chris, but the Bean says she is here for Christina. This lie by the Bean is what accomplishes it's goal. It tricks the wife into thinking Christina is still alive, being held prisoner. Nadine's mind makes up the whole thing, including the vision of Christina in the shed. Makes up that Chris wants her kidney, that he may be molesting her even. Nadine should have seen through all this, since the Bean actually came when Christina really died. But Nadine has come unhinged, sees what she wants to see, especially once the Bean gives her a little push by tricking her.

I have an observation. This story is actually kind of clever. But if you read quick, you can miss it. And people are usually reading these things quickly. The trick is to get them to pay attention. One way that happens is if the reader knows the author, has reason to expect a certain level of work. Since these are anonymous, many readers will recognize by things such as format and writing skill whether this is a veteran writer, and if they sense that, they will read more carefully. THAT's why it's important to get that stuff close to perfect. And I say this as a new writer who makes similar mistakes.

If I have interpreted the story correctly, there is no ghost of Christina. It is really the Bean, or just an image in Nadine's mind. If so, maybe show the ghost merge into the Bean.

If there really is a ghost, then I missed something big, so slap me in the head and let me know!

Needs cleaning up, but a nice clever little story with a twist. I do have some problems imagining the way this would be filmed, but maybe rewrites solve that.
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This one didn't make much sense to me.  Seemed like there were big gaps in logic.  The whole thing with the log cabin was odd to me.  The girl had been dead for two years and suddenly Nadine decides to look in the log cabin to see if she's there.  If she had questions, I would think she would've checked perhaps immediately after the death.  

It was a quick read though and I liked how Nadine was a bit nutty.
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grademan
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Bean sidhe * not bad * I liked the twist at the end * the bean was almost cruel to be kind in this one * the OVER CREDITS part doesn’t work - if it’s important to the story let it be part of the story * clarifying a few things will bring this one up a notch * a little bit of real life daughter in the secret basement for the old man - was that in Norway?
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pwhitcroft
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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This is an effective premise that produces some solid drama.

These are notes I made as I read:

Pg 1 – “Only Nadine can care less.” – The beginning including some text that could probably be tightened up. This line in particular is one that I had trouble picturing what this means on screen.

The start of this is interesting, but the combination of some slowish text and a deliberately mundane sequence of events means this is playing quite slow at the moment.

Pg 2 – The mystery established at the end of this page gets this moving.

Pg 4 – Quite a bit of Nadine’s dialogue on this page might be on-the-nose.

Pg 7 – Nadine’s story wraps up well with the Christina part giving it an effective twist. I’m not sure that I understood all the over credits part.


Philip


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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Pros

Fairly ingenious use of the Bean Sidhe. Gives her a more complete character.

Nicely plotted story.

There are more than a few layers here, which is great to see in such a short challenge.

Cons

Slightly confusing at times, as others found.

This was a good effort. Well done.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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The set changes in this one were fairly vague.
I got lost going from the house to the cabin.
Why can't Bean be wailing in the basement, set change mucks up the vibe.
Mum goes down the basement "finds" daughter and then high jinks ensue.
This one has some effective grim moments, keep going with it.


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bert
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, did the author actually intend for Nadine to come off as bat-shite crazy?

(spoilers)

That made her an interesting character in this story, to me anyway, but the midpoint reveal in this story strains the bounds of credibility.

Unless that is the point?  That Chris could only have pulled off this crazy scheme is his wife were a few McNuggets short of a Happy Meal?

You tell us that Christina scrambles up, that there is nothing wrong with her, only to have her drop dead the next moment from causes unknown?

It is just so odd that it seems the whole scenario must have been conjured in Nadine's imagination, at least to a point, and the VO to accompany the credits seems to confirm that.  Or not.

There are interesting ideas going on here, but the author's true intent is not coming out for me.

Unless it's not supposed to?  I think I liked this one more than my review would lead you to believe, but it kind of confounded me, too.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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khamanna
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, Nadine must have cracked since Christina "crumbles away into nothingness".

I would change rifles to a hatchet perhaps. More gory and loaded rifles is a bit too much.

The Over Credits part provides no insight, you already said Bean Sidhe and Christina crumble into nothingness, which means Nadine must have flipped after hearing Sidhe howl on the night Christina died. --just an opinion, it's your story...

Maybe change 2 years into 6 months? --agains just an opinion...
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Ledbetter
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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I have to say, I liked this one.

Good story flow, decent setting and an ending that made for a good read.

So far, I think this is one of the better scripts I have read.

Good job!

Shawn.....><
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
So, did the author actually intend for Nadine to come off as bat-shite crazy?

(spoilers)

That made her an interesting character in this story, to me anyway, but the midpoint reveal in this story strains the bounds of credibility.

Unless that is the point?  That Chris could only have pulled off this crazy scheme is his wife were a few McNuggets short of a Happy Meal?

You tell us that Christina scrambles up, that there is nothing wrong with her, only to have her drop dead the next moment from causes unknown?

It is just so odd that it seems the whole scenario must have been conjured in Nadine's imagination, at least to a point, and the VO to accompany the credits seems to confirm that.  Or not.

There are interesting ideas going on here, but the author's true intent is not coming out for me.

Unless it's not supposed to?  I think I liked this one more than my review would lead you to believe, but it kind of confounded me, too.


I felt like there was a lot of subtle depth written into this one and it's one of my favorites. Glad to know you like it too, Bert. I was wondering if it was just me being weird, but you're intelligent enough and I and others respect your opinion; so the author can be assured that they did something right.

Sandra



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greg
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 1:24am Report to Moderator
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That was a trip.

So...what were you going for here?  My guess of what happened is Chris killed Christina and now he and Nadine are being haunted by Bean Sidhe, and Christina wanted vengeance so Sidhe brought her back, then Nadine killed Chris...but then it turns out this was all a legend being told by a couple people in modern times?  That's the best I could do.  A little more explanation might fill in the holes.  

It wasn't bad and in actuality it wasn't as confusing as some of the other ones.  It just mostly left me scratching my head...perhaps even in a good way.

So nice job.

Greg


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c m hall
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Great atmosphere of the madness from grief and fear.  I think the voice overs at the end are helpful.  

SPOILERS

Christina saying that her father tried to kill her for her kidney... the story seems to suggest that this could be true or the vision could all be part of Nadine's madness, the mention at the end of advanced cancer makes it seem less likely that a transplant was really a consideration, although Chris seems to think it is -- what seems more likely is that Nadine can't cope with the accidental death of her daughter and having to watch her husband's fatal illness progress, and she goes into a state that's half passed crazy.
The potential life saving gift of an organ transplant is HUGE with emotion, if anything can tear a family apart it's having to decide who lives and who dies.  I think the subject is just too complex for the length of this script but you touch on a great deal of raw emotion.

I think this could be a very good film.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
c m hall  -  March 2nd, 2011, 9:16am
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keaton01
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Wait a second. He faked a death and the mother didn't know? How is that possible. Did he hit her on the head while a fake police investigation happened, and fake funeral, and fake mourners? So glad this twisted away from that. The lady was just crazy. I didn't mind this one and beside the items below thought it was well written.

Artistically? What would that sound like?

Over Credtis? What are you the director now? Directors hate when you direct from the script.

Wheres the Fade Out?


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from keaton01
Wait a second. He faked a death and the mother didn't know? How is that possible. Did he hit her on the head while a fake police investigation happened, and fake funeral, and fake mourners? So glad this twisted away from that. The lady was just crazy. I didn't mind this one and beside the items below thought it was well written.

Artistically? What would that sound like?

Over Credtis? What are you the director now? Directors hate when you direct from the script.

Wheres the Fade Out?


Re directing from the script:

I'm not a director and really, I have the desire to leave all of the technical stuff up to the people that I know are the gifted individuals to get the job done, but...

I also don't like to see camera directions in a script-- unless, the writer absolutely, completely and positively feels he must in order to convey something very strongly.

Also too, skilled writers can most likely pull it off flawlessly, but for most of us, we just don't know. We haven't internalized it yet and thus, they're best left alone.

My feeling is that we need to concentrate on story first. Leave everything else up to the creative forces that will come into play later.

Good comment you made there. Helps people.

Sandra




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Dreamscale
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry, cause I see the effort and intent, but the finished product is...well..it's not great, IMO.

A ton of mistakes throughout, as well as your opening Slug, even.  Should read "NADINE'S -HOUSE", not "NADINE HOUSE".  Lots of odd phrasings throughout, as if English isn't your first language, or...well...I don't know.

Story-wise, this didn't work for me either.  Very over the top, goofy, completely unrealistic.

Good effort though for 1 week's time.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Dreamscale
I'm sorry, cause I see the effort and intent, but the finished product is...well..it's not great, IMO.

A ton of mistakes throughout, as well as your opening Slug, even.  Should read "NADINE'S -HOUSE", not "NADINE HOUSE".  Lots of odd phrasings throughout, as if English isn't your first language, or...well...I don't know.

Story-wise, this didn't work for me either.  Very over the top, goofy, completely unrealistic.

Good effort though for 1 week's time.


Completely disagree with you, Jeff.

See my comments in the other thread on this OWC.

You have completely missed on this one I think, but the writing is so subtle, I think I understand why.

May have some flaws, but this is OWC. and I think this comment is off-off  

???Very over the top, goofy, completely unrealistic.

And all of these stories aren't? If we're talking "normal" as we might like to think normal is?

Bean Sidhe was not unrealistic in terms of the way it was drawn.  Not at all. Not goofy. Not any more unrealistic than crimson swirl bullfighterettes, sharp-toothed mutes, living dead corn husk Cailliiix dolls, acrobatic-cappers shadowed by storm sprites... the list goes on.

Sandra



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Dreamscale
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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Just my opinion, Sandra.  As I said, I did see the effort here and I appreciate that.

The execution is far from sound, though.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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keaton01
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Khamanna, you used 'Over Credits'. I would've never guessed. This could be worked into something creepy. I'd be happy to read the rewrite.


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khamanna
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I'll rewrite it and send it to you then? Just not tomorrow

Over Credits stays!!!
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khamanna
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Sandra, I'm so glad you liked it.

I think I owe you some closure then:

Nadine heard Bean Sidhe before Christina's death. Then Christina got run over by her father, while he was operating a tractor. And she never believed it was an accident. All she wanted to see her daughter again and ask her but that's not possible, is it? So Nadine sees Bean Sidhe again who gives lets her see Christina again...

If you're brave enough to think it's not an accident - do so

Khamanna
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RayW
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 12:58am Report to Moderator
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Hi, Khamanna

Wow. I thought you were going to win with all the interest there was in your story.
If you decide to work on this some more I'll be very interested in reading it.

The character's intense emotions really come through.
You do a good job of having them pour out their emotional power.

Congratulations, and quit leaving loaded guns around.  

Ray



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khamanna
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Thanks Ray. All the interest? Hmmm - I must have missed all that interest...
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bert
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 1:15am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna
The Over Credits part provides no insight...



Quoted from khamanna
Over Credits stays!!!


So which is it, lady?

Drop me a note when Don posts up your rewrite and I will look also.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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khamanna
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By "the over credits part provides no insight" - I mean it's not there to clarify things - the fact that Nadine is crazy should be pretty obvious (although I see that it's not, don't know why though, "Christina crumble away, into nothingness" - I thought that says it al).

I just find them very cool! I know how annoying the Over Credits might be though People use Over Black by the way which really is Over Credits - I am not that clever...

I'll ask you to read it when I submit the rewrite, thanks. But I want it to stay the same subtle. I was very careful to keep you guessing till the end.
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keaton01
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Khamanna - Over credits is a directors choice. Directors hate it when we try to direct from the script. At least you didn't put in camera directions.


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khamanna
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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You already said it
Like I said - if it was Over Black, then it wouldn't look like directing. A Director is free no to include it, it doesn't add any insight anyway. It just sounds too cool...
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jwent6688
Posted: March 7th, 2011, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Good thought provoking piece you have here. I quite enjoyed it. I don't completely get it, but that doesn't matter.

Its a very talky script and i can guess some would have a problem with that. I interpreted it as Christina was raped by Chris. Thats why she had to come back and tell her mother. It wasn't an accident. He killed her to cover up what he'd been doing to her.

Anyways, I enjoyed it and see you've got people thinking. Good job for an OWC and thanks for reading mine.

James


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khamanna
Posted: March 18th, 2011, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading it James. I frankly don't know how to rewrite - the only thing I'll change Over Credits to something else or get rid of it completely. But I don't know if I should make clear the backstory and perhaps if I knew I should make it clearer I wouldn't know how

Your review sways me toward not clearing that part up otherwise I was more on the other side

Thanks
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