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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  ...And I Take You - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    ...And I Take You - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 5139 views)
Don
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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…And I Take You by Greg Baldwin (greg) - Short - Some people see Jesus.  A few people see Satan.  The rest see Her.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 11th, 2011, 12:05am
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screenrider
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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With a logline like this how could I resist.   Interesting take on the challenge.  A bit much on the gore.   Dialogue was kinda cheesy in a few spots.  But other than that, not too bad for a week's worth of work.    For a brief moment I thought you were gonna go the American Pshyco route and have everything be a delusion in Mickey's mind.   Not the case.   Anyway, good job on completing the OWC.

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Don  -  March 6th, 2011, 9:46pm
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Engaging logline you got there.
This is by far the bloodiest philosophical debate I've ever read.
I'm not a fan at all of "Is it or isn't it real?" scripts unless they have strict "rules".
As far as I can tell, there were no mythology rules presented here at all.
We're just along for the ride as the gory open house walk through plays out.
Contrary exposition played out against a cornucopia of corpses does not a story make.
You get the most repulsive opening image award and best logline so far.

E.D.


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RayW
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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Freedom

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Hi, Franz   ( - SPOILERS! - ) Ya daft goblins!

Going to be hard time getting a choking scene for a little kid. Audiences are not going to like that.

Conversational/argumentative dialog is rather stiff.

The first few pages are rough, but it does get better.
It's more of a morality tale than a horror story.
Style is clean enough.

Decent work. Congratulations.




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Baltis.
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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Capable story hindered by some technical flaws.  

1.  You need to space your scenes out.  As you spend money on your work, by hiring consultants, you will know why it's important.  

2.  You don't need a new scene slug if the scene hasn't ended.  You establish the location, and as long as your in that scene, in that location just cap the next room they walk into...  Don't waste a slug on it, unless you are ending the scene.

I will return to this thread when I get home, I'm on my phone right now and this is hard to convey certain things.  
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bert
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:47pm Report to Moderator
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Lots of good stuff here.

(spoilers)

Guy in the stove, my personal favorite.

It's not all good though:

*  Strangling the kid, don't like it.
*  Chattiest spirit ever -- enough with the aura, already.
*  Biggest gripe -- tripping and shooting himself between the eyes?  Please.

Great start, and a rewrite could really whip this into something good.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Ryan1
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
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This script definitely had its moments.  Quite an opening shot.

I didn't understand Mickey's logic.  Killing everyone in his family because the Sidhe said someone would die if he didn't change his ways?  Couldn't wrap my brain around that one.

Some parts were awesomely hilarious to me, and showed some truly black humor:

MICKEY
I let my father-in-law move in with
us!  He was being foreclosed!  How
does that make me a bad person?

Mickey heads for the exit, passes by the oven which has the
bloody body of an ELDERLY MAN jammed into it. "

I laughed out loud at that.  Hope that's what you were shooting for.

Extremely twisted tale, although I wish the presence of the Sidhe was better explained.  She just sort of appeared out of nowhere.  But I liked how the Sidhe couldn't understand how thick this guy was.  She kept trying to tell him there was no need to kill anyone, but he just kept right on killing.

After Mickey shoots his wife in the head:

"Sidhe shakes her head.

SIDHE
You just don't get it."

That was another LOL.  Loved it.

Good job.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Honey Pie, (Sorry, when you get my age, you start calling people Honey Pie- strange phenomenon- ya witnessed it here for real). I've officially hit the mother load and OWC tolerance has hit the black waves crashing at night in a dense fog in a forest near some God forsaken land where deers are always in the headlights! Help!

So with that, I'll supply some crazy offering and tomorrow, I'll look again. Trying to be serious, I think. Maybe.

INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Darkness. A pair of hands strangle the neck of ROSE(10).

The strangler, MICKEY(35), tall and muscular, applies more pressure to the child’s neck.

*Okey dokey, things are not looking up.

MICKEY
I’m not a bad guy.

*I hate ta say it Mickey. But yes you are. You are a really bad guy that deserves to meet the Queen of Evil Deeds. Her name is OLD WOMAN! And she’s so mean she’ll steal your underwear.

SIDHE
But you don’t show them the
unconditional love they deserve. You hate your wife’s surgery scars. You never go to your daughter’s recitals because you hate ballet.

*Please Sidhe, give Mickey a break. Ballet isn’t the only dance at the theatre. There’s room for Rat Dog Funk and Lady Gaga in a meat dress too.

Moments Later:

Mickey heads for the exit, passes by the oven which has the bloody body of an ELDERLY MAN jammed into it.

Sandra
Ee-hee hee hee! ELDERLY MAN gets squashed! See if Robaxacet helps ya now!

Sidhe
Hey, get outta my- I mean, Begone!

Sandra
Shut up Sidhe.

Sidhe
No wait…
You know how some people say that
Jesus came to them? And how others say they saw Satan?

Sandra
No, but it sounds like a good premise for a movie.

Hey, where’s Mickey… Eatin' French Fries. (Youngin's won't get it).

Mickey pulls a long wooden locked box out of the closet and places it on the bed.

MICKEY
Yeah, Jesus freaks and Satanists.
Two equally insane breeds of people.

Sandra
Got that right, Mickey.
And God stuck
'em together on
Simplyscripts, just
so he could
watchen it all play out.

Oh my...

I love the logline.

I'll write you tomorrow.

Sandra






A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Ryan1

Mickey heads for the exit, passes by the oven which has the
bloody body of an ELDERLY MAN jammed into it. "


I don't know if that's what the author was shooting for, but I was laughing
because I'd had it up to here with OLD COGGERS and HAGS.  

I'm looking forward to reading this tomorrow after I shake my sillies out.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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leitskev
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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I nice try to get into the deeper meanings of human motivation, of temptation, possessiveness, delusion. Such an effort is always ambitious and therefore the most difficult. I do have to say I thought it missed the mark, though like I said, you set the target very high. Even if one buys into the whole dialogue and the plot, I definitely think the ending where he trips and shoots himself dead, falls with his wife, is over the top.

Keep working at this difficult concept, and eventually you'll hit the mark.
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leitskev
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
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Smiling at Sandra's post. Her short of a short.
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shane
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
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Love the logline. Definitely got an American Psycho vibe from this.

I liked it. It was like a twisted look into the human mind and the things it's capable of.


SPOILERS

I don't know how audiences would react to poor Rose's fate. Might turn them off right from the get go.

Elderly man in the oven was the best part. I loved a lot of the dark humor scattered around here.

One part that didn't fit was Mickey is described as "producer, executive, businessman" and he also talks about spending money and buying expensive jewelry and toys. So then, why is his wife working as a waitress? Unless being a rich businessman is all in Mickey's head, which it very well may be.

Good job with this.
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Eoin
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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This was nicely thought out and well written, but left me a bit unfulfilled. There were lots of things that didn't gel as well as they should have in this senario. A body count of 3? Not sure if the logistics of that were all thought out. If Rose was the last to be killed, how is it that she doesn't notice the Elderly Man or the Young Woman? If she was in her room, she must have heard the other killings? If she just came back from 'somewhere', didn't she notice the beer bottles etc? Nice play on the Bean Sidhe myth.

I think with some polish, you could craft this into a sharp psychological piece. I understand that in a piece like this, dialouge is used to drive the piece, but I think you need to let the characters speak. When the dialouge is so pivotal, it needs to be razor sharp. I heard more of the writers voice, rather than the characters, if that makes any sense. I hope you come back o this and do a rewrite. Well done on completing the OWC.
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grademan
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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And I Take You * I liked it but… * too much dialogue * strangling of a child (good attention getter though)* the visual of a man stuffed in the stove – door closed or open? * why all the drugs – didn’t this just happen? * Satan takes the good ones? * At some point the audience wants to figure it out * definitely gory enough
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wonkavite
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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The cons: hate to say it, but I guessed the twist in the story about 2 pages in.  Granted, that's because I expect such things from horror scripts - and there are so many "bad guys" in Celtic lore that look like innocent young girls.  So someone coming in from the cold and reading this script might not clue in quite so quickly.   The script could also use a bit of tightening...streamline the action by one or two pages - it'll make the story considerably tighter.

Also, what exactly was the green gunk, and does it have an equivalent in Celtic lore?

That said, it was still a script with clean, strong writing.

So cheers on the OWC...

--WV
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