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With a logline like this how could I resist. Interesting take on the challenge. A bit much on the gore. Dialogue was kinda cheesy in a few spots. But other than that, not too bad for a week's worth of work. For a brief moment I thought you were gonna go the American Pshyco route and have everything be a delusion in Mickey's mind. Not the case. Anyway, good job on completing the OWC.
Engaging logline you got there. This is by far the bloodiest philosophical debate I've ever read. I'm not a fan at all of "Is it or isn't it real?" scripts unless they have strict "rules". As far as I can tell, there were no mythology rules presented here at all. We're just along for the ride as the gory open house walk through plays out. Contrary exposition played out against a cornucopia of corpses does not a story make. You get the most repulsive opening image award and best logline so far.
E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
1. You need to space your scenes out. As you spend money on your work, by hiring consultants, you will know why it's important.
2. You don't need a new scene slug if the scene hasn't ended. You establish the location, and as long as your in that scene, in that location just cap the next room they walk into... Don't waste a slug on it, unless you are ending the scene.
I will return to this thread when I get home, I'm on my phone right now and this is hard to convey certain things.
* Strangling the kid, don't like it. * Chattiest spirit ever -- enough with the aura, already. * Biggest gripe -- tripping and shooting himself between the eyes? Please.
Great start, and a rewrite could really whip this into something good.
This script definitely had its moments. Quite an opening shot.
I didn't understand Mickey's logic. Killing everyone in his family because the Sidhe said someone would die if he didn't change his ways? Couldn't wrap my brain around that one.
Some parts were awesomely hilarious to me, and showed some truly black humor:
MICKEY I let my father-in-law move in with us! He was being foreclosed! How does that make me a bad person?
Mickey heads for the exit, passes by the oven which has the bloody body of an ELDERLY MAN jammed into it. "
I laughed out loud at that. Hope that's what you were shooting for.
Extremely twisted tale, although I wish the presence of the Sidhe was better explained. She just sort of appeared out of nowhere. But I liked how the Sidhe couldn't understand how thick this guy was. She kept trying to tell him there was no need to kill anyone, but he just kept right on killing.
Hello Honey Pie, (Sorry, when you get my age, you start calling people Honey Pie- strange phenomenon- ya witnessed it here for real). I've officially hit the mother load and OWC tolerance has hit the black waves crashing at night in a dense fog in a forest near some God forsaken land where deers are always in the headlights! Help!
So with that, I'll supply some crazy offering and tomorrow, I'll look again. Trying to be serious, I think. Maybe.
INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Darkness. A pair of hands strangle the neck of ROSE(10).
The strangler, MICKEY(35), tall and muscular, applies more pressure to the child’s neck.
*Okey dokey, things are not looking up.
MICKEY I’m not a bad guy.
*I hate ta say it Mickey. But yes you are. You are a really bad guy that deserves to meet the Queen of Evil Deeds. Her name is OLD WOMAN! And she’s so mean she’ll steal your underwear.
SIDHE But you don’t show them the unconditional love they deserve. You hate your wife’s surgery scars. You never go to your daughter’s recitals because you hate ballet.
*Please Sidhe, give Mickey a break. Ballet isn’t the only dance at the theatre. There’s room for Rat Dog Funk and Lady Gaga in a meat dress too.
Moments Later:
Mickey heads for the exit, passes by the oven which has the bloody body of an ELDERLY MAN jammed into it.
Sandra Ee-hee hee hee! ELDERLY MAN gets squashed! See if Robaxacet helps ya now!
Sidhe Hey, get outta my- I mean, Begone!
Sandra Shut up Sidhe.
Sidhe No wait… You know how some people say that Jesus came to them? And how others say they saw Satan?
Sandra No, but it sounds like a good premise for a movie.
Hey, where’s Mickey… Eatin' French Fries. (Youngin's won't get it).
Mickey pulls a long wooden locked box out of the closet and places it on the bed.
MICKEY Yeah, Jesus freaks and Satanists. Two equally insane breeds of people.
Sandra Got that right, Mickey. And God stuck 'em together on Simplyscripts, just so he could watchen it all play out.
I nice try to get into the deeper meanings of human motivation, of temptation, possessiveness, delusion. Such an effort is always ambitious and therefore the most difficult. I do have to say I thought it missed the mark, though like I said, you set the target very high. Even if one buys into the whole dialogue and the plot, I definitely think the ending where he trips and shoots himself dead, falls with his wife, is over the top.
Keep working at this difficult concept, and eventually you'll hit the mark.
Love the logline. Definitely got an American Psycho vibe from this.
I liked it. It was like a twisted look into the human mind and the things it's capable of.
SPOILERS
I don't know how audiences would react to poor Rose's fate. Might turn them off right from the get go.
Elderly man in the oven was the best part. I loved a lot of the dark humor scattered around here.
One part that didn't fit was Mickey is described as "producer, executive, businessman" and he also talks about spending money and buying expensive jewelry and toys. So then, why is his wife working as a waitress? Unless being a rich businessman is all in Mickey's head, which it very well may be.
This was nicely thought out and well written, but left me a bit unfulfilled. There were lots of things that didn't gel as well as they should have in this senario. A body count of 3? Not sure if the logistics of that were all thought out. If Rose was the last to be killed, how is it that she doesn't notice the Elderly Man or the Young Woman? If she was in her room, she must have heard the other killings? If she just came back from 'somewhere', didn't she notice the beer bottles etc? Nice play on the Bean Sidhe myth.
I think with some polish, you could craft this into a sharp psychological piece. I understand that in a piece like this, dialouge is used to drive the piece, but I think you need to let the characters speak. When the dialouge is so pivotal, it needs to be razor sharp. I heard more of the writers voice, rather than the characters, if that makes any sense. I hope you come back o this and do a rewrite. Well done on completing the OWC.
And I Take You * I liked it but… * too much dialogue * strangling of a child (good attention getter though)* the visual of a man stuffed in the stove – door closed or open? * why all the drugs – didn’t this just happen? * Satan takes the good ones? * At some point the audience wants to figure it out * definitely gory enough
The cons: hate to say it, but I guessed the twist in the story about 2 pages in. Granted, that's because I expect such things from horror scripts - and there are so many "bad guys" in Celtic lore that look like innocent young girls. So someone coming in from the cold and reading this script might not clue in quite so quickly. The script could also use a bit of tightening...streamline the action by one or two pages - it'll make the story considerably tighter.
Also, what exactly was the green gunk, and does it have an equivalent in Celtic lore?
That said, it was still a script with clean, strong writing.
Nice concept, strong writing. Would like to have seen a little more confusion in this story - a few more details that really cast doubt on whether the murders are real, and if Mickey's going crazy. Some of the best horror out there is psychological...so run with this script even farther, and it could get really interesting...
While the dialog tends to get a bit much long after I get the point, overall, this worked for me. It worked because it plays around with a theme we see sometimes in supernatural films and stories. Like Stephen King's Pet Semetary's character Pascow or American Werewolf In London (Jac's corpse) - ghosts giving the living warnings of fate. I even have a few themes like this in some of my own stories too. The idea is to make it your own and you did.
A did have some issues with past tense and the slugs (as Baltis already pointed out) but my biggest gripe is the ending. It didn't fit the tone of the script. ===SPOILERS R US== You might as well have put in a banana peel. Consider how more effective it might have been if, in order to stop "the voices" and the sight of SIDHE, and the realization of what he's done, takes his own life. At first he thinks he is unsuccessful, as he can still hear/see SIDHE. Then for a brief second he sees a bright light..where the demon horde emerges to drag him to the fires of hell. It was built up enough, angels and demons, Christ and Satan. Why not?
One of the best entries in the OWC that just missed the mark due to the beer bottle fall and overload of gab. Good job overall.
I like Sidhe driving him nuts, there's another one with the same theme in the challenge - Sidhe wanted to kill his family and did it with his hands - I like the idea.
It's dialog heavy for me, a bit of exposition in dialog too - like the all good deeds Michael has done... The story is told though dialog.
Here where it gets funny "ELLEN Where’s Rose? MICKEY You’ll see her soon. Don’t worry." --and I don't think you want funny in your script.
This is an effective story that works well as a morality tale. For me you could probably tell this story with less pages and it would pack more punch that way.
These are notes I made as I read:
Pg 1 – It’s a nice friendly start!
Pg 2 – This is interesting, although it has become quite chatty.
Pg 5 – The body reveals are effective. The dialogue on this page is even heavier than it is on the other pages.
Pg 7 – Their debate, which is a little bizarre, seems to be going around in circles. Perhaps that’s the point, but for me I’d like the story to move along more.
Gonna say I didn't quite like this one. I liked the opening scene then it went downhill for me there. As others have said, I failed to grasp Mickeys logic here. Kill everyone or one will die? Maybe it was his setp father? That wouldn't have been so bad.
Also, Being a big time executive, this felt like an efficiency aprtment to me. I would think he be in a luxurious high-rise. I think you could've described it a bit better.
I did like sidh's calmness as she watched him rage and kill. She seemed robotic, was a bit chilling.
This was written very well and I liked some of the visuals like the guy in the oven. Strangling a 10 year old...didn't like that too much. Might have just shown her dead instead of the act itself.
Some of the Sidhe's dialog was too long. Maybe if you broke it up with some kind of action it wouldn't have dragged.
And he accidentally shot himself between the eyes? Hmmm. Not buying that.
I did like this though. Quick and easy read, some cool visuals and interesting story idea.
Interesting concept. The logline alone sells it to me. Makes you want to see what's inside.
There's a lot going on undernaeth the surface that I don't think you quite managed to get a grip on in the time you had. It's potentially got that double edged blade thing going on where there is the fear for the body, but also the fight going on for eternity.
Cons
Far too talky.
I think Sandra has pinned something that will help to develop the script further...really push the motivation and the sense that he's being pushed to the limit by this creature.
Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed this. Two things I wanted to address:
1) The ending. What I was going for is that Mickey was the one who was supposed to die all along and in turn was the person that Sidhe warned would die if he didn't change his ways. She said it a little deceivingly, but she's a banshee so, ya know. Likewise, "it's always the selfish ones" implies the irony that this guy only thinks of himself and is given this warning but doesn't for a second think he'll be the one to die - so in his haze of popping pills to get rid of Sidhe, in his twisted logic, he kills his family thinking that if she can't kill them then the cycle will break and she'll be gone (of course, he's drugged up so he doesn't know reality from illusion).
2) A couple people found dark humor in this which was pretty surprising as that wasn't even on my mind while writing. I guess it just inadvertently seeps in. I dunno.
Hey Greg, sorry for not getting around to this earlier, before the reveal, but here you go...
You probably know that I like talky scripts. I also like ultra violent scripts, and I have no trouble offing children.
BUT...
This didn't work for me, and the above 3 items were all issues. It was way too talky and the dialogue didn't come off as real, or make sense to me. The violence didn't seem to fit the overall tone, and thus came off uneffective. Your opening is quite shocking, but again, I don't think it fits here at all, and for many, this will be a script killer right from the get go.
Balt made some god points about your Slugs...they need attention.
James also brought up an issue I saw as well about teh actual apartment this guy's living in.
Also, what's up with the girl who's a waitress? Doesn't seem to fit.
Biggest deal breaker here is the slip and shoot yourself between the eyes routine. Just really, really bad.
I did get a sense of comedy throughout and since you said it wasn't intended, I take that to mean that there were issues here about the reality of the situation and the writing itself. It just didn't quite work as written.
I thin there is potential here in the actual concept, but then again, it's something we've all seen again and again.
Overall, as a concept, I liked this. I did a quick once over on the comments and every single gripe I had was already covered. The amount of talk, the pratfall death, in fact, the whole ending.
It actually had a strong resemblance to a script I wrote on here back in the day. Guy goes through his house/apartment and kills his family but we don't know if it's real. I'm not insinuating, though, I'm just saying that it's similar and that's a good thing, I like those kinds of stories.
Basically, I'd be beating you over the head if I droned on and on about the flaws. The irony is that, even though I liked the script, there are very few things I can comment on that I actually liked about it.
We'll just say I liked it and leave it at that. =)
Thanks for the reads. This script honestly doesn't interest me over the long run, so it'll probably fade into obscurity. Still, for the challenge it was fun to do.
I liked this one. Actually read it awhile back but apparently I forgot to leave a comment. It was a bit talky and expositional, which was fine because there was a nice contrast as they passed all the horrific visuals of all the dead bodies. But some of the lines were a bit repetitive. Some even worded almost identically. I think a tightening of the dialogue would greatly improve this short.
While I like the visual of the old man in the oven, I'm not sure it makes sense story-wise. Regardless of whether or not he thinks these people are real or just psychosis induced hallucinations, I can't seem him killing a relative in a such an odd way. It's not the brutality of the kill, it's the absurdity. What is his motive for shoving the man in the oven? Stabbing, strangling, shooting, those were all viable, but the oven made zero sense other than just being a chilling visual.
I liked this script, though I think it deserves a rewrite. The OWC rushed it.
My only problem with it is that the sidhe spoke with a modern day voice. This kept taking me out of the illusion that Mickey was talking with a supernatural entity. Maybe this was your way of saying that she didn't exist and it was all in Mickey's head. I don't know, but it didn't work for me.