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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  ...And I Take You - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    ...And I Take You - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 5118 views)
Don
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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…And I Take You by Greg Baldwin (greg) - Short - Some people see Jesus.  A few people see Satan.  The rest see Her.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 11th, 2011, 12:05am
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screenrider
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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With a logline like this how could I resist.   Interesting take on the challenge.  A bit much on the gore.   Dialogue was kinda cheesy in a few spots.  But other than that, not too bad for a week's worth of work.    For a brief moment I thought you were gonna go the American Pshyco route and have everything be a delusion in Mickey's mind.   Not the case.   Anyway, good job on completing the OWC.

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 6th, 2011, 9:46pm
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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Engaging logline you got there.
This is by far the bloodiest philosophical debate I've ever read.
I'm not a fan at all of "Is it or isn't it real?" scripts unless they have strict "rules".
As far as I can tell, there were no mythology rules presented here at all.
We're just along for the ride as the gory open house walk through plays out.
Contrary exposition played out against a cornucopia of corpses does not a story make.
You get the most repulsive opening image award and best logline so far.

E.D.


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RayW
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Franz   ( - SPOILERS! - ) Ya daft goblins!

Going to be hard time getting a choking scene for a little kid. Audiences are not going to like that.

Conversational/argumentative dialog is rather stiff.

The first few pages are rough, but it does get better.
It's more of a morality tale than a horror story.
Style is clean enough.

Decent work. Congratulations.




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Baltis.
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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Capable story hindered by some technical flaws.  

1.  You need to space your scenes out.  As you spend money on your work, by hiring consultants, you will know why it's important.  

2.  You don't need a new scene slug if the scene hasn't ended.  You establish the location, and as long as your in that scene, in that location just cap the next room they walk into...  Don't waste a slug on it, unless you are ending the scene.

I will return to this thread when I get home, I'm on my phone right now and this is hard to convey certain things.  
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bert
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:47pm Report to Moderator
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Lots of good stuff here.

(spoilers)

Guy in the stove, my personal favorite.

It's not all good though:

*  Strangling the kid, don't like it.
*  Chattiest spirit ever -- enough with the aura, already.
*  Biggest gripe -- tripping and shooting himself between the eyes?  Please.

Great start, and a rewrite could really whip this into something good.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Ryan1
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
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This script definitely had its moments.  Quite an opening shot.

I didn't understand Mickey's logic.  Killing everyone in his family because the Sidhe said someone would die if he didn't change his ways?  Couldn't wrap my brain around that one.

Some parts were awesomely hilarious to me, and showed some truly black humor:

MICKEY
I let my father-in-law move in with
us!  He was being foreclosed!  How
does that make me a bad person?

Mickey heads for the exit, passes by the oven which has the
bloody body of an ELDERLY MAN jammed into it. "

I laughed out loud at that.  Hope that's what you were shooting for.

Extremely twisted tale, although I wish the presence of the Sidhe was better explained.  She just sort of appeared out of nowhere.  But I liked how the Sidhe couldn't understand how thick this guy was.  She kept trying to tell him there was no need to kill anyone, but he just kept right on killing.

After Mickey shoots his wife in the head:

"Sidhe shakes her head.

SIDHE
You just don't get it."

That was another LOL.  Loved it.

Good job.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Hello Honey Pie, (Sorry, when you get my age, you start calling people Honey Pie- strange phenomenon- ya witnessed it here for real). I've officially hit the mother load and OWC tolerance has hit the black waves crashing at night in a dense fog in a forest near some God forsaken land where deers are always in the headlights! Help!

So with that, I'll supply some crazy offering and tomorrow, I'll look again. Trying to be serious, I think. Maybe.

INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Darkness. A pair of hands strangle the neck of ROSE(10).

The strangler, MICKEY(35), tall and muscular, applies more pressure to the child’s neck.

*Okey dokey, things are not looking up.

MICKEY
I’m not a bad guy.

*I hate ta say it Mickey. But yes you are. You are a really bad guy that deserves to meet the Queen of Evil Deeds. Her name is OLD WOMAN! And she’s so mean she’ll steal your underwear.

SIDHE
But you don’t show them the
unconditional love they deserve. You hate your wife’s surgery scars. You never go to your daughter’s recitals because you hate ballet.

*Please Sidhe, give Mickey a break. Ballet isn’t the only dance at the theatre. There’s room for Rat Dog Funk and Lady Gaga in a meat dress too.

Moments Later:

Mickey heads for the exit, passes by the oven which has the bloody body of an ELDERLY MAN jammed into it.

Sandra
Ee-hee hee hee! ELDERLY MAN gets squashed! See if Robaxacet helps ya now!

Sidhe
Hey, get outta my- I mean, Begone!

Sandra
Shut up Sidhe.

Sidhe
No wait…
You know how some people say that
Jesus came to them? And how others say they saw Satan?

Sandra
No, but it sounds like a good premise for a movie.

Hey, where’s Mickey… Eatin' French Fries. (Youngin's won't get it).

Mickey pulls a long wooden locked box out of the closet and places it on the bed.

MICKEY
Yeah, Jesus freaks and Satanists.
Two equally insane breeds of people.

Sandra
Got that right, Mickey.
And God stuck
'em together on
Simplyscripts, just
so he could
watchen it all play out.

Oh my...

I love the logline.

I'll write you tomorrow.

Sandra






A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Ryan1

Mickey heads for the exit, passes by the oven which has the
bloody body of an ELDERLY MAN jammed into it. "


I don't know if that's what the author was shooting for, but I was laughing
because I'd had it up to here with OLD COGGERS and HAGS.  

I'm looking forward to reading this tomorrow after I shake my sillies out.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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leitskev
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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I nice try to get into the deeper meanings of human motivation, of temptation, possessiveness, delusion. Such an effort is always ambitious and therefore the most difficult. I do have to say I thought it missed the mark, though like I said, you set the target very high. Even if one buys into the whole dialogue and the plot, I definitely think the ending where he trips and shoots himself dead, falls with his wife, is over the top.

Keep working at this difficult concept, and eventually you'll hit the mark.
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leitskev
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
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Smiling at Sandra's post. Her short of a short.
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shane
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Love the logline. Definitely got an American Psycho vibe from this.

I liked it. It was like a twisted look into the human mind and the things it's capable of.


SPOILERS

I don't know how audiences would react to poor Rose's fate. Might turn them off right from the get go.

Elderly man in the oven was the best part. I loved a lot of the dark humor scattered around here.

One part that didn't fit was Mickey is described as "producer, executive, businessman" and he also talks about spending money and buying expensive jewelry and toys. So then, why is his wife working as a waitress? Unless being a rich businessman is all in Mickey's head, which it very well may be.

Good job with this.
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Eoin
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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This was nicely thought out and well written, but left me a bit unfulfilled. There were lots of things that didn't gel as well as they should have in this senario. A body count of 3? Not sure if the logistics of that were all thought out. If Rose was the last to be killed, how is it that she doesn't notice the Elderly Man or the Young Woman? If she was in her room, she must have heard the other killings? If she just came back from 'somewhere', didn't she notice the beer bottles etc? Nice play on the Bean Sidhe myth.

I think with some polish, you could craft this into a sharp psychological piece. I understand that in a piece like this, dialouge is used to drive the piece, but I think you need to let the characters speak. When the dialouge is so pivotal, it needs to be razor sharp. I heard more of the writers voice, rather than the characters, if that makes any sense. I hope you come back o this and do a rewrite. Well done on completing the OWC.
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grademan
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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And I Take You * I liked it but… * too much dialogue * strangling of a child (good attention getter though)* the visual of a man stuffed in the stove – door closed or open? * why all the drugs – didn’t this just happen? * Satan takes the good ones? * At some point the audience wants to figure it out * definitely gory enough
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wonkavite
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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The cons: hate to say it, but I guessed the twist in the story about 2 pages in.  Granted, that's because I expect such things from horror scripts - and there are so many "bad guys" in Celtic lore that look like innocent young girls.  So someone coming in from the cold and reading this script might not clue in quite so quickly.   The script could also use a bit of tightening...streamline the action by one or two pages - it'll make the story considerably tighter.

Also, what exactly was the green gunk, and does it have an equivalent in Celtic lore?

That said, it was still a script with clean, strong writing.

So cheers on the OWC...

--WV
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wonkavite
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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*Spoilers*

Nice concept, strong writing.  Would like to have seen a little more confusion in this story - a few more details that really cast doubt on whether the murders are real, and if Mickey's going crazy.  Some of the best horror out there is psychological...so run with this script even farther, and it could get really interesting...

Cheers,

--WV

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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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OK my friend, I looked this over again, with all my sillies out.

I've tried to find a nugget that will help you to rewrite this.

What I found was that the set up was really shaky. First of all you
relied on a cheap hook because it existed in a kind of void.

Secondly, we see Mickey struggling with pills and whatnot, but
it's unclear why. Not really a problem, but we need to know more.

What is it we need to know? His motivation. And I found it:

Here:

MICKEY
I’m protecting them. No demon of
Hell is gonna kill my family.

*Buried away toward the end of the story on page #7.

Now, even if you don't want the audience to know it, you need to know
it as the author.

If you write with this clear motive in mind-- that he doesn't want
the demon to kill them because he thinks it will damn them--

THEN, you've got something really solid to work with. You can bring
that feeling into any murder scene you write. Even the little girl, see?

I hope this helps.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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While the dialog tends to get a bit much long after I get the point, overall, this worked for me. It worked because it plays around with a theme we see sometimes in supernatural films and stories. Like Stephen King's Pet Semetary's character Pascow or American Werewolf In London (Jac's corpse) - ghosts giving the living warnings of fate.  I even have a few themes like this in some of my own stories too. The idea is to make it your own and you did.

A did have some issues with past tense and the slugs (as Baltis already pointed out) but my biggest gripe is the ending. It didn't fit the tone of the script.
===SPOILERS R US==
You might as well have put in a banana peel. Consider how more effective it might have been if, in order to stop "the voices" and the sight of SIDHE, and the realization of what he's done, takes his own life. At first he thinks he is unsuccessful, as he can still hear/see SIDHE. Then for a brief second he sees a bright light..where the demon horde emerges to drag him to the fires of hell. It was built up enough, angels and demons, Christ and Satan. Why not?

One of the best entries in the OWC that just missed the mark due to the beer bottle fall and overload of gab. Good job overall.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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khamanna
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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I like Sidhe driving him nuts, there's  another one with the same theme in the challenge - Sidhe wanted to kill his family and did it with his hands - I like the idea.

It's dialog heavy for me, a bit of exposition in dialog too - like the all good deeds Michael has done... The story is told though dialog.

Here where it gets funny "ELLEN Where’s Rose?
MICKEY You’ll see her soon. Don’t worry."
--and I don't think you want funny in your script.
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c m hall
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Maybe as a film the contrast between the graphic scene in the apartment and the  dialogue would work but reading it, the dialogue seems endless.
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pwhitcroft
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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This is an effective story that works well as a morality tale. For me you could probably tell this story with less pages and it would pack more punch that way.

These are notes I made as I read:

Pg 1 – It’s a nice friendly start!

Pg 2 – This is interesting, although it has become quite chatty.

Pg 5 – The body reveals are effective. The dialogue on this page is even heavier than it is on the other pages.

Pg 7 – Their debate, which is a little bizarre, seems to be going around in circles. Perhaps that’s the point, but for me I’d like the story to move along more.

Pg 8 – I like how this wraps up.


Philip


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jwent6688
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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Gonna say I didn't quite like this one. I liked the opening scene then it went downhill for me there. As others have said, I failed to grasp Mickeys logic here. Kill everyone or one will die? Maybe it was his setp father? That wouldn't have been so bad.

Also, Being a big time executive, this felt like an efficiency aprtment to me. I would think he be in a luxurious high-rise. I think you could've described it a bit better.

I did like sidh's calmness as she watched him rage and kill. She seemed robotic, was a bit chilling.

Anyways, good job writing a script in a week.

James


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wannabe
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

This was written very well and I liked some of the visuals like the guy in the oven.  Strangling a 10 year old...didn't like that too much.  Might have just shown her dead instead of the act itself.  

Some of the Sidhe's dialog was too long.  Maybe if you broke it up with some kind of action it wouldn't have dragged.

And he accidentally shot himself between the eyes?  Hmmm.  Not buying that.

I did like this though.  Quick and easy read, some cool visuals and interesting story idea.
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keaton01
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
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Final Fade? You guys need to get out of SS sometimes.

I actually liked this. Tighten the dialog up make everything more frantic and it could be a good chiller.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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Pros

Interesting concept. The logline alone sells it to me. Makes you want to see what's inside.

There's a lot going on undernaeth the surface that I don't think you quite managed to get a grip on in the time you had. It's potentially got that double edged blade thing going on where there is the fear for the body, but also the fight going on for eternity.

Cons

Far too talky.

I think Sandra has pinned something that will help to develop the script further...really push the motivation and the sense that he's being pushed to the limit by this creature.

This was a good attempt.
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greg
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 11:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hello all,

Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed this.  Two things I wanted to address:

1) The ending.  What I was going for is that Mickey was the one who was supposed to die all along and in turn was the person that Sidhe warned would die if he didn't change his ways.  She said it a little deceivingly, but she's a banshee so, ya know.  Likewise, "it's always the selfish ones" implies the irony that this guy only thinks of himself and is given this warning but doesn't for a second think he'll be the one to die - so in his haze of popping pills to get rid of Sidhe, in his twisted logic, he kills his family thinking that if she can't kill them then the cycle will break and she'll be gone (of course, he's drugged up so he doesn't know reality from illusion).

2) A couple people found dark humor in this which was pretty surprising as that wasn't even on my mind while writing.  I guess it just inadvertently seeps in.  I dunno.

Thanks again everyone.

Greg


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Dreamscale
Posted: March 7th, 2011, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Greg, sorry for not getting around to this earlier, before the reveal, but here you go...

You probably know that I like talky scripts.  I also like ultra violent scripts, and I have no trouble offing children.

BUT...

This didn't work for me, and the above 3 items were all issues.  It was way too talky and the dialogue didn't come off as real, or make sense to me.  The violence didn't seem to fit the overall tone, and thus came off uneffective.  Your opening is quite shocking, but again, I don't think it fits here at all, and for many, this will be a script killer right from the get go.

Balt made some god points about your Slugs...they need attention.

James also brought up an issue I saw as well about teh actual apartment this guy's living in.

Also, what's up with the girl who's a waitress?  Doesn't seem to fit.

Biggest deal breaker here is the slip and shoot yourself between the eyes routine. Just really, really bad.

I did get a sense of comedy throughout and since you said it wasn't intended, I take that to mean that there were issues here about the reality of the situation and the writing itself.  It just didn't quite work as written.

I thin there is potential here in the actual concept, but then again, it's something we've all seen again and again.

Hope this helps.  Take care, man!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: March 7th, 2011, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Greg,

Overall, as a concept, I liked this. I did a quick once over on the comments and every single gripe I had was already covered. The amount of talk, the pratfall death, in fact, the whole ending.

It actually had a strong resemblance to a script I wrote on here back in the day. Guy goes through his house/apartment and kills his family but we don't know if it's real. I'm not insinuating, though, I'm just saying that it's similar and that's a good thing, I like those kinds of stories.

Basically, I'd be beating you over the head if I droned on and on about the flaws. The irony is that, even though I liked the script, there are very few things I can comment on that I actually liked about it.

We'll just say I liked it and leave it at that. =)


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greg
Posted: March 8th, 2011, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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Jeff and Blonde,

Thanks for the reads.  This script honestly doesn't interest me over the long run, so it'll probably fade into obscurity.  Still, for the challenge it was fun to do.

Thanks again.

Greg


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shootingduck
Posted: March 10th, 2011, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one.  Actually read it awhile back but apparently I forgot to leave a comment.  It was a bit talky and expositional, which was fine because there was a nice contrast as they passed all the horrific visuals of all the dead bodies.  But some of the lines were a bit repetitive.  Some even worded almost identically.  I think a tightening of the dialogue would greatly improve this short.

While I like the visual of the old man in the oven, I'm not sure it makes sense story-wise.  Regardless of whether or not he thinks these people are real or  just psychosis induced hallucinations, I can't seem him killing a relative in a such an odd way.  It's not the brutality of the kill, it's the absurdity.  What is his motive for shoving the man in the oven?  Stabbing, strangling, shooting, those were all viable, but the oven made zero sense other than just being a chilling visual.
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greg
Posted: March 10th, 2011, 11:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brian, thanks for the read and congrats on Captive!  One of the creepiest of the bunch, no doubt.  


Quoted from shootingduck


While I like the visual of the old man in the oven, I'm not sure it makes sense story-wise.  


You're absolutely right.  When you've got a week to write something, sometimes you just don't even think about those nitty gritties.

Thanks again!

Greg


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dogglebe
Posted: March 17th, 2011, 7:23am Report to Moderator
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I liked this script, though I think it deserves a rewrite.  The OWC rushed it.

My only problem with it is that the sidhe spoke with a modern day voice.  This kept taking me out of the illusion that Mickey was talking with a supernatural entity.  Maybe this was your way of saying that she didn't exist and it was all in Mickey's head.  I don't know, but it didn't work for me.

Again, rewrite it.  Add to it.  It's a good story.


Phil
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greg
Posted: March 17th, 2011, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Phil,

Thanks for the read and your input!  I'm glad you liked it.  Good idea - a future rewrite will consider that.

Thanks again.

Greg


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