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Thank you for the in depth review, Shawn. I'll go through each of your statements with my responses.
Pg 1-5 - I'm glad you enjoyed my opening. I wanted a solid opening to explain most of Willie's story.
Pg 21 - That's awesome that you are flying through the script fast. That shows me that it flows together well and isn't boring. Rachel is definately the girl I wanted people rooting for thoughout the script. So I'm glad you already have a postive view about her this early in the script.
Pg 23 - I saw the Slaughterhouse Massacre as well! That movie is atrocious. It definately had an influence on my screenplay. I liked the premise of a slaughterhouse. It seems so simple yet it hasn't been used all that much. So I wanted to test it out. I think I wrote a review on Slaughterhouse Massacre as well in the reviews section here.
Pg 24 - With Stoner's story I was trying to make it seem like some pot head speaking random lines. It probably comes across very rigid but it's supposed to be like a child speaking, since he's so dumb. Stoner is a nickname. I didn't feel like giving him a name since I would be refering to him as Stoner thoughout the whole script.
Pg 42 - Yeah the water tub with the camera is definately a cliche gag. I wanted to build some suspense before Willie actually showed up.
Pg 44 - Yeah I was a little iffy about Katie running off. I needed to get the group separated without it being cheesy, but I guess you just can't. Yeah that Scream scene with Rose McGowan was so stupid, yet it was hilarious.
Pg 47 - Is it wrong to have enjoyed writing Matthew getting cut like that? Haha.
Pg 59 - Yeah I've been getting a lot of complaints about the characters dying off too soon. As I said before I wanted it to be Justin and Rachel. I didn't want a big group trying to run throughout the slaughterhouse, it would have been too repettive and hard to write every single one those characters' actions. I still think I'm going to stand by with my decision. I appreciate the feedback, however.
Pg 71 - You got me. This was definately a homage to H20. That scene was so awesome in that movie, I had to show my appreciation.
Pg 74 - I did see the 2003 TCM but I don't remember that scene. If it's in there, that's cool. I didn't take it from there, though.
Pg. 76 - Heh, sorry Rachel.
Pg. 78 - Yep, Stoner is still roaming around.
Pg 82 - Of course! What's a horror film without the hick rent-a-cop?
Pg 90 - Yeah, I wanted the ending to be surprising. Everyone I have talked to has asked me why the two people that engaged in "bad" behavior. (Rachel - Premarital Sex, Stoner - drug use) survived. Just trying something different. I actually was going to have a different ending. I don't know if you have seen The Descent, but that film had a ending where no one survives, and that intrigued me. I was going to have Rachel think she escaped, but wake up still in the slaughterhouse with Willie standing right abover her, then SMASH TO BLACK. But I thought that might be a little harsh, because I liked the character of Rachel, hehe. I pictured her being played by like a Anne Hathaway or something, and I was like "I can't let you die!" haha.
Anyway, thanks again for reading, Shawn. I take it you enjoyed it and I really appreciate it. You were right about the Slaughterhouse Massacre having some influence on this script. I thought iwas a fantastic story, it's just Paul Gagne doesn't know how to make movies. He killed that film, when I think it could have been pretty decent. If I ever get this made, I will definately give him a story a credit if he wants it, because I liked the premise, just not the actual movie.
This was my first horror script so I can see it being simple. I haven't gotten those little intracacies that make a horror script seem more complex yet, but I will definately keep working at it.
I think that was the greatest death in this script. I was like "Oooh!" when that happened.
Sean
Yeah it's a pretty cool way to die. I was like everyone seems to get his/her torso chopped off at the waist, but no one ever gets split in half from the bottom up.
Read this over the last couple of days. I think the reason I decided to, was because I liked Mercenary and thought you wrote action well. I guess I wanted to see what you’d do with horror. BTW I voted for Mercenary in the now 747’d Simply Awards thing.
Here’s my take on your first horror for what it’s worth (it’s not every day you can get your stuff read by a slightly odd, cranky old bat, so feel special).
SPOILERS:
Great beginning action sequence, cutting between the five guys and the knife cutting meat and the girl. The beginning of Mercenary was even greater, but I think that means you know how to get our attention early.
I like how you kill off Willie. It doesn’t work of course, but you did good there.
Awww, poor Professor. Naughty, naughty girl! Messing with an old man like that. I would never have done something like that!.............Too subtle!
I think you did well on developing the characters. I actually cared for all of them, even Stoner. Even though he’s a stoner, he seems like a likable guy, so well done.
The sex scene you handled well. You didn’t go “The Cabin” on us and left most of it to our own imagination, which is where it belongs since everyone has a different idea of what is good or bad.
The flashbacks while Stoner is telling the story works well.
From here on it gets a little less interesting, for me at least. Please don’t take me wrong, your writing is nice, but it just feels to me that I’ve seen this before. Young people, looking for a thrill, having a camera, going somewhere creepy and it’s intended as a joke. I really do think your beginning was the best part. I’m sorry.
The chanting, the bubbles in the tub and Willie’s head was good. To be honest with you, I kinda enjoy reading horror written by an action guy, moves quick and well.
The killing of Matthew was one of the better ones, but I think this is where your action writing doesn’t work. A lot of times in action movies (this is just my opinion) the kills are fairly clean, a bullet or two to the forehead or getting run over by a run away Mack truck. In horror, we want to see the gore and the real horror. If Willie is slicing Matthew up from the gut shouldn’t the innards at least be spilling out? Maybe a sick cracking sound as the rib cartilage is broken, something, gross us out!
I also do feel that Willie is pretty dull with his sharp knife. Read up on slaughter, many weird things are used to turn an animal into neat easily digestible little packages of protein. Where’s the blow torch that burn the hair off the pig bodies? You get my drift.
Anyways, I think you did a good job here and I think you write well, just up the gore factor a bit so I’m actually horrified and I think you might have something here.
I was wondering if you’d mind reading the first 30 pages of a thriller/action script I’ve been tinkering with? It’s a very rough first draft so I’m not looking for a review, rather just an opinion if you’d want to know what happens next or if you’d chuck the script in the garbage. It’s written with older people in mind, but perhaps you can look past that. It does have quite a bit of action in it.
Yeah it's a pretty cool way to die. I was like everyone seems to get his/her torso chopped off at the waist, but no one ever gets split in half from the bottom up.
Well actually in Friday The 13th Part 3 and guy doing a hand stand get split by the machete from the crotch down. After seeing that - i never attempted to do a handstand again. Yeah - I only know this cuz i watch WAY too many movies. No one else would know that. The death works well in your script and your script in thats all that matters. I agree...that was the best death scene it it.
Hey Tomson. Thanks for the kind words on Mercenary. I also appreciated your voting it for that Awards thing. That just made my day, haha.
Your review is awesome, and I thank you a lot for it. It seems like the only problem you had was the lack of gore and Willie's weapons. Other than that, I trust you enjoyed it. I agree with you on your criticisms on both fronts. My action-like writing didn't really do me justice with the kill scenes. I'm so used to getting kills done with and moving on. I'll take more description into account when writing horror.
As for the weapons, I don't think I researched the slaughter process enough. I do think my kill scenes are a little bland, and they need some more excitement. I like the blowtorch idea you just mentioned. Someone might be BBQ'd in the rewrite.
The sex scene is being received very well, so I'm pretty happy about that. I'm actually glad I got a female on here to read it, because I was worried how they would take it. I had a female read it at home here, and she was a little dubious about Rachel being so forgiving to Justin after seeing the rock. But women like diamonds, right? hehe. Instant panty-dropper in my experience.
Thanks for reading, Tomson and I'm going back to my bread and butter. I got another action/sci-fi script in the works that I think you will like, seeing you like the action.
Of course I will read your draft. That is not a problem. Just let me know where I should read it, whether it be e-mail or on a site or something. I'll definately give you my input.
Well actually in Friday The 13th Part 3 and guy doing a hand stand get split by the machete from the crotch down. After seeing that - i never attempted to do a handstand again. Yeah - I only know this cuz i watch WAY too many movies. No one else would know that. The death works well in your script and your script in thats all that matters. I agree...that was the best death scene it it.
Guy, just finished reading this and i must say i'm glad i did. Man, this is an awesome script!!
SPOILERS!!!
You have a really good opening. Wille's eyes snapping open would look pretty cool on screen.
After the opening you did a really good job of building the characters up. Although you did build your characters up well i think you killed them off to quickly. Don't get me wrong you had some cool deaths and i enjoyed all of them, but i think you could have mayabe spaced them out a little bit. I wish you had Shayna sneak along. It would have been cool to see her get sliced and diced. The coolest death in my opinion was Melissa's and i'm glad you killed her becuase i can't stand the whining girl in slasher movies.
When Willie comes out of the cell behind Katie and stabs her, i think you could have built this up with a little more tension. Mayabe the scraping noises are heard from inside the cell and for some reason or other she moves closer and as she reaches the cell door, Have Willie jump out and then stab her.(I know i'm giving you back some of your own advice, but when reading this i thought this was a good opportunity to build up some tension)
Talking about tension i really liked the bit when Rachel was hiding inside the locker and Willie stops right infront of it and stares straight at it for a moment before moving on. I thought the chase at the end between Rachel and Willie was also really well written. I was dissapointed when you didn't slice Willie with the guilliontine, but not for long as your true plans for Willie came to light. The fearsome Meat Grinder!!! Really cool and i loved the exchanged dialogue between the two in the final moments, Rachels line being the best of the entire script in my opinion.
WILLIE I...didn't...do...it
RACHEL I don't care!
Then she delivers the fateful blow. Good job, well done.
The moment when Katie dies was well written. I could feel the emotion between her and Rachel, again good job on this.
I see what you mean when you say you were guilty of using the same weapon over and over to kill your characters with(like i did in Scarecrow). i guess that's something that can be worked, but it's funny how you don't notice these things until you are reading someone else's work.
I really can't think of any negatives about this script, because as i said i thought this was awesome.
I have a nice long review for you here, Guy. Enjoy!
SPOILERS***
Page 1 - Close on knife cutting raw meat – I don’t know if anyone else has said this (I read the other reviews but I can’t remember them lol), but CLOSE ON is a camera direction, and shouldn’t be in a spec script. “A KNIFE CUTS INTO RAW MEAT” is enough. You’ve put it on a line by itself and put it in caps, which suggests that it’s the object/action of focus.
Is he really called Willie “Slaughter”? Because if that is his actual second name, then it seems a little contrived. His surname is his profession? Maybe he could have a second name that sounds similar to slaughter, and the locals mock him by nicknaming him Willie Slaughter?
Page 5 – ‘Slowly accelerate towards Willie’s eyes’ – The description is a little strange, and it’s also another camera direction you ought to remove, along with SMASH CUT TO (editing technique). Simply go to the next scene header.
Anyway, love your opening! Very fast paced and exciting. I’m hooked!
Page 6 – Ha, I like Shayna already!
Page 11 - ‘Rachel and another blonde girl in the same uniform are hugging’ suggests that Rachel is blonde also, but on her description you say she’s a brunette. Also, when Matthew said “There’s my pole vault chick”, I thought it sounded pretty funny. Don’t know if that’s the reaction you’re going for, but it’s the one I had.
Page 18 – ‘Shayna and her friend watch them leave, shrug, and then begin to kiss again’- Haha, Shayna is funny. - Rachel’s line “What did I do that would compel you to cheat?” doesn’t sit well. Compel seems like too formal a word for a heated argument. And about Justin – I think you need to tone him down a little. Rachel accepting his hand in marriage doesn’t come off well for me, because I got the impression that Justin certainly would’ve cheated had Rachel not walked in on him. You need to make him laugh it off more and resist them, rather than invite them sandwiching him (however amusing it may be lol).
Page 22 – The sex scene is tastefully described, but I found it funny that they started and finished in a 5 line paragraph. Maybe you could insert Matt and Stoner’s exchange between them starting to have sex and finishing, so time passes?
Page 27 – I love Justin’s line about how there’s gonna be a dry spell after the night’s events!
Page 30 – While your script reads very fast and isn’t boring, I still think that page 30 is a too late for the group to arrive at the slaughterhouse.
I like the tour of the Slaughterhouse; it sets everything up and builds the anticipation well.
Page 44 – Why did their chant bring him back to life? In your opening scene, his eyes snap open, so isn’t he already alive? And when the police came (which they obviously did because there’s crime scene tape all around the building), wouldn’t they have found his body in the tub and removed it? And who dos the UNKNOWN P.O.V.on page 36 belong to if Willie isn’t resurrected until page 44? I know you question it with ‘Is someone staring down at the group from the top of the staircase?’ but an audience watching this would want an answer to whose POV it was. So if it’s not Willie’s, whose is it?
Page 45 – You need to come up with a better way of splitting the group up. Katie just comes off as a total idiot.
Page 48 – Well done for creating a scary looking villain. Based on your description, I think I would sh*t myself if I saw this guy! His reveal would be a creepy moment on film. - Matt’s death comes a surprise. I didn’t think he was going to live, but I assumed a smaller character like Alex or Melissa would bite it first, or even Katie after she ran off by herself like a dumbass. So well done on that. But why have you deprived us of seeing how his head got that way?
Page 50 – Katie is stabbed and Alex is dead? In two pages, and only halfway through the script, you’ve killed off half the group! Well Katie isn’t dead yet but she’s half dead and pretty damn useless now lol.
Page 57 – ‘Suddenly, a bloody hand wraps around Melissa’s and picks her up’ – I think you missed out the word ‘neck’. - Melissa is dead. It was a decent death, mainly because it wasn’t done with a knife. That’s most of your deaths done and dusted in 10 pages. I think that’s much too fast.
Page 60/61 – Katie’s death is quite sad, and I like Justin’s determination after she passes. But at the same time, it seems like such a waste, especially when you don’t have a huge number of characters to kill off. Her death wasn’t creative or gory.
Page 73 – Willie crashing through the serving area glass was cool, big jump moment! Thrilling start to the chase. I’m not sure how I feel about them crawling under the tables and Willie throwing them aside, because it’s so obviously taken from Halloween H20. Maybe you could work out something slightly different with it so it feels a little more unique.
Page 78 – Poor Justin. I found his death really effective because I cared about him (after he stopped dicking around like he does in the first 20 pages lol), but also because I care about Rachel too so I feel bad for her because she both loses Justin and witnesses it.
Page 86 – I knew you’d use that cop to up your body count .
Page 89 – The guillotine not working is cool. I can’t help but wish it had been used previously in an earlier death scene though, it’s so perfect!
Page 91 – Gross! I take it you don’t want Willie to feature in Slaughter 2 then, that departure was pretty damn permanent! That was the best way you could’ve done it. It’s climatic and works perfectly with the setting.
Read on to post 2!
"Are you saying I'm crazy!?" "Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
Well you have a pretty damn enjoyable slasher script on your hands here, with vivid and concise descriptions (very important for action-heavy scripts). The Slaughterhouse is a perfect setting; Willie is a great villain (he scares me! I think it’s the image of his broken, protruding jaw that does it!) and both of these aspects combined to make quite an exhilarating chase climax, although it was a little long in my opinion, because it feels like it begins when Rachel and Justin are the only ones left (rather than from when Rachel is the only one left), making it some 30 pages long I think. This brings me to my main issue, which is with the pacing. I think that structurally, the script needs some work. They don’t get to the Slaughterhouse until page 30, most of them are killed in the space of 10 pages, and then we get 30 pages with just two characters, which basically means chasing, chasing, chasing, and very little killing. Justin’s death should come as a great shock, but I actually saw it coming, because I knew you’d need a big death somewhere in the last third of the script, and I had Rachel pegged for survival from the start. I think the first act could be tightened up so that the characters get there at somewhere closer to page 20, as some of the scenes in which the characters are introduced probably don’t need to be as long as they are. Then the deaths should maybe start around page 40 and be spread out evenly more evenly. Perhaps you should ditch the *group chase* structure, and have a couple of deaths occur without the rest of the group knowing until a while later. Separate them into individual, suspenseful scenes so that they are more memorable. As it stands they happen very suddenly within the chase-action, and therefore can’t even be described as death ‘scenes’. Make the most of the setting (like you did with Willie’s fantastic demise) with all of the machinery and weapons at Willie’s disposal. Matt’s death is pretty good, but nothing special, just a knife kill, and really, all that makes it stand out is that its slightly more interesting than all the other knife kills. Melissa’s was probably my favourite because it didn’t involve the same old knife, but it still wasn’t all that original. Katie and Justin have *emotional deaths*, but Willie’s methods are too simple and lack the creativity/brutality/gore that is required to satisfy the reader/viewer of this genre. Your characters were pretty good for a slasher. Rachel and Justin are likeable, often witty, and therefore easy to route for. I liked Katie (most of the time) because she had an innocence about her, and Matthew, due to him being sweet natured, worked well with the more the more cocky and confident Justin, and went well with Katie. Melissa seemed like a cynical smart a*s at times, and I think you should run with this a little more so that she and Katie are like two opposite ends of the spectrum, and Rachel lies somewhere in the middle. You’d have a nice dynamic then, and I’m sure it would prompt more witty exchanges between the girls in a re-write. Alex is by far the weakest character; he has no defined personality and was just a name on the page. And I was sorely disappointed that Shayna wasn’t one of your group! I liked her immediately, and I was looking forward to her providing me with more laughs and eventually a killer chase and death scene (slutty blondes are always the best!). How about you make Alex more of a major party animal (he threw the frat party, it makes sense) who loves being a friendly host to the hot girls, so he invites Shayna along (much to Melissa and Rachel’s disdain). She accepts because Justin’s going, who she enjoys flirting with, but she has to settle for Alex’s attentions (no wonder Melissa is a moody cynic, going out with a guy like that!), and possibly Stoner’s (he was funny!). That would put the personality in Alex and the Shayna in the Slaughterhouse! What do you think?
Anyway, I’ve rambled for long enough. I really, really enjoyed reading this, and that’s why I’ve given it so much attention. It’s really good in its current state, and I think with some improvements it could be fantastic! You can’t bead a good slasher in my eyes! I hope you don’t think I went overboard with my criticisms and suggestions; it was all out of enthusiasm for your script lol.
Well done and good luck with the re-write (if you do one).
Ian
"Are you saying I'm crazy!?" "Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
Guy, just finished reading this and i must say i'm glad i did. Man, this is an awesome script!!
SPOILERS!!!
You have a really good opening. Wille's eyes snapping open would look pretty cool on screen.
After the opening you did a really good job of building the characters up. Although you did build your characters up well i think you killed them off to quickly. Don't get me wrong you had some cool deaths and i enjoyed all of them, but i think you could have mayabe spaced them out a little bit. I wish you had Shayna sneak along. It would have been cool to see her get sliced and diced. The coolest death in my opinion was Melissa's and i'm glad you killed her becuase i can't stand the whining girl in slasher movies.
When Willie comes out of the cell behind Katie and stabs her, i think you could have built this up with a little more tension. Mayabe the scraping noises are heard from inside the cell and for some reason or other she moves closer and as she reaches the cell door, Have Willie jump out and then stab her.(I know i'm giving you back some of your own advice, but when reading this i thought this was a good opportunity to build up some tension)
Talking about tension i really liked the bit when Rachel was hiding inside the locker and Willie stops right infront of it and stares straight at it for a moment before moving on. I thought the chase at the end between Rachel and Willie was also really well written. I was dissapointed when you didn't slice Willie with the guilliontine, but not for long as your true plans for Willie came to light. The fearsome Meat Grinder!!! Really cool and i loved the exchanged dialogue between the two in the final moments, Rachels line being the best of the entire script in my opinion.
WILLIE I...didn't...do...it
RACHEL I don't care!
Then she delivers the fateful blow. Good job, well done.
The moment when Katie dies was well written. I could feel the emotion between her and Rachel, again good job on this.
I see what you mean when you say you were guilty of using the same weapon over and over to kill your characters with(like i did in Scarecrow). i guess that's something that can be worked, but it's funny how you don't notice these things until you are reading someone else's work.
I really can't think of any negatives about this script, because as i said i thought this was awesome.
I hope some of what i said helps you.
Robert
Robert, thanks for reading this one a well, too. I really appreciate you reading two of my screenplays.
Overall, it appears that you really enjoyed this, and I am glad. I wrote this with the sole intention of enteraining the reader. I wanted the characters to be funny, I wanted the killer to be menacing, and I just wanted it to be a fun read.
Your criticisms are very true and I'm glad you pointed them out. As you can see, reading can help your writing as well as the person who wrote the screenplay as well. The kill scenes I am actually quite angry at how uncreative I was with them. I definately want to go back and change some of them, because I think that major gore factor wasn't really established in this draft.
As for the deaths, I have received many greivances pertaining the death count so early in the film. I think I may have to go back and cause a bigger separation of the group so I can have them in different parts of the slaughterhouse and drag out the kills.
In closing, thanks. I really appreciate your feedback coming form a fellow horror writer. You are most likely better at this than I am and I am glad you have given me some stuff to work with.
Well you have a pretty damn enjoyable slasher script on your hands here, with vivid and concise descriptions (very important for action-heavy scripts). The Slaughterhouse is a perfect setting; Willie is a great villain (he scares me! I think it’s the image of his broken, protruding jaw that does it!) and both of these aspects combined to make quite an exhilarating chase climax, although it was a little long in my opinion, because it feels like it begins when Rachel and Justin are the only ones left (rather than from when Rachel is the only one left), making it some 30 pages long I think. This brings me to my main issue, which is with the pacing. I think that structurally, the script needs some work. They don’t get to the Slaughterhouse until page 30, most of them are killed in the space of 10 pages, and then we get 30 pages with just two characters, which basically means chasing, chasing, chasing, and very little killing. Justin’s death should come as a great shock, but I actually saw it coming, because I knew you’d need a big death somewhere in the last third of the script, and I had Rachel pegged for survival from the start. I think the first act could be tightened up so that the characters get there at somewhere closer to page 20, as some of the scenes in which the characters are introduced probably don’t need to be as long as they are. Then the deaths should maybe start around page 40 and be spread out evenly more evenly. Perhaps you should ditch the *group chase* structure, and have a couple of deaths occur without the rest of the group knowing until a while later. Separate them into individual, suspenseful scenes so that they are more memorable. As it stands they happen very suddenly within the chase-action, and therefore can’t even be described as death ‘scenes’. Make the most of the setting (like you did with Willie’s fantastic demise) with all of the machinery and weapons at Willie’s disposal. Matt’s death is pretty good, but nothing special, just a knife kill, and really, all that makes it stand out is that its slightly more interesting than all the other knife kills. Melissa’s was probably my favourite because it didn’t involve the same old knife, but it still wasn’t all that original. Katie and Justin have *emotional deaths*, but Willie’s methods are too simple and lack the creativity/brutality/gore that is required to satisfy the reader/viewer of this genre. Your characters were pretty good for a slasher. Rachel and Justin are likeable, often witty, and therefore easy to route for. I liked Katie (most of the time) because she had an innocence about her, and Matthew, due to him being sweet natured, worked well with the more the more cocky and confident Justin, and went well with Katie. Melissa seemed like a cynical smart a*s at times, and I think you should run with this a little more so that she and Katie are like two opposite ends of the spectrum, and Rachel lies somewhere in the middle. You’d have a nice dynamic then, and I’m sure it would prompt more witty exchanges between the girls in a re-write. Alex is by far the weakest character; he has no defined personality and was just a name on the page. And I was sorely disappointed that Shayna wasn’t one of your group! I liked her immediately, and I was looking forward to her providing me with more laughs and eventually a killer chase and death scene (slutty blondes are always the best!). How about you make Alex more of a major party animal (he threw the frat party, it makes sense) who loves being a friendly host to the hot girls, so he invites Shayna along (much to Melissa and Rachel’s disdain). She accepts because Justin’s going, who she enjoys flirting with, but she has to settle for Alex’s attentions (no wonder Melissa is a moody cynic, going out with a guy like that!), and possibly Stoner’s (he was funny!). That would put the personality in Alex and the Shayna in the Slaughterhouse! What do you think?
Anyway, I’ve rambled for long enough. I really, really enjoyed reading this, and that’s why I’ve given it so much attention. It’s really good in its current state, and I think with some improvements it could be fantastic! You can’t bead a good slasher in my eyes! I hope you don’t think I went overboard with my criticisms and suggestions; it was all out of enthusiasm for your script lol.
Well done and good luck with the re-write (if you do one).
Ian
Yeah, Ian! Now that is what I call a review! Man I feel like I'm in a pitch meeting right now, haha. But seriously, thanks for reading so intently.
I trust you enjoyed this script and I am glad. Your praises are very appreciated and your critiques are even more. I think you are right with the beginning being too long. I was so adamant about creating some sympathy for the main characters, which appears to have been well received, but I most definately think it can be tightened up. Thanks for pointing that out..
As you said with my characters, they complimented each other. I wanted to have every type of person, not just a bunch of stupid college kids. Rachel actually had a brain and she knew stuff that a normal person woud know in situations like that. I was very pushy with this, I wanted her to be a well-liked and plausible character. Justin was just the pinnicle of the guy that is big man on campus, but still has his true feelings for his girlfriend. Matt was most definately the backseat passenger in Justin's car, because they are friends but he definately is a follower. Katie was the girl that is always scared, and does the stupid stuff, but not all the time. She had one stupid move, but it cost both her and her boyfriend's life. Melissa was that "mother hen" girl that always wants to be in everyone of her friend's business as you can see wit her ratting out Justin and just being a bitch. Alex was by far the weakest character. He was actually put in just so there would be 3 men and 3 girls at the slaughterhouse, hehe.
As for you proposal, I really like it. I think Shayna would be good to up the body count and maybe cause a little more friction between the girls in the group. I really only used her to show Justin as a ladies man, but now that I ponder it, I would really think she would be a good add on to the slaughterhouse. Thanks a lot.
Once again, I appreciate such a good review. You have my grattitude. I am really glad you enjoyed it and your criticisms will be considered.
Been meaning to take a look at this for some time now. Finally got around to it.
A few things to start...
pg. 1 - LEGEND? I think you mean SUPER. This comes up more than once. You might want to fix it.
pg. 4 - Don't need to mention that Willie pleads for his life. It's already apparent in the dialogue.
- I don't think the lynching has the impact that it should. It all goes pretty well as far as the kids are concerned. They rough him up a little bit, hang him, and get out of there. It all seems to simple. First off, I think Willie would put up more of a fight. Second, I think the guys would all be a little nervous about lynching someone, even Bobby. Psychologically, it probably isn't the easiest thing to do. Just some stuff to think about.
- I wouldn't have the eyes snap open. It's such a cliche. Sure, it's letting everyone know there's a "bomb under the table" but it almost always come off as cheesy. I think it would work better if Willie simply returned without any foreshadowing. Or maybe just have something else. Maybe a dissolve? One minute, Willie's sprawled over the tub, the next, he's not. Just a thought.
pg. 7 - Lose the "best friends" bit. It can't be shown onscreen.
- When you first introduce Justin, he seems utterly indifferent to the fact that he has a girlfriend. His encounter with Shanya and the other girl perpetuates this impression. Yet in the immediate following scene, he proposes to Rachel and later on, he seems to genuinely care about her. This seems unrealistic. You may want to do something about this.
pg. 21 - Lose the "as if he's breaking the law" line. It can't be shown onscreen. Either that or combine it with the preceding line.
pg. 37 - I don’t think they have guillotines at slaughterhouses. They have neck cradles for cows when they shock them with prods but not guillotines in the traditional sense. I’m pretty sure they kill them the old fashioned way, be it a knife, an axe, or a gun.
pg. 47 – “A figure slowly approaches off camera towards Matthew.” If it’s off camera, how can it be seen? You might want to reword this.
pg. 48 – “This guy is no joke.” No need to say this. It’s quite obvious he’s no joke. Lose this.
pg. 50 – It can’t be seen that Justin “internally prays” the door will open. Try to rephrase this.
pg. 67 – You write age twice. Fix this.
pg. 79 – “Can he see her?” You wrote the damn thing. You tell me. Lines like this are no good in screenplays. Lose it.
pg. 90 – RACHEL POV - “The Meat Grinder looks like it would be a bad place to land.” LOL. Obviously. You can lose this, for sure.
Overall, this was a pretty decent read. The plot is essentially a generic slasher but you've incorporated a few elements that make it a little different, namely Willie's character having a realistic motivation for revenge rather than being just a sick maniac. I usually don't care for sympathetic villains (there's a difference between sympathetic and understandable) but I think what you did here was pretty well done. I also really dug the slaughterhouse setting. I think you managed to make it more than a typical "house of horrors" and actually seem like a legitimate industrial building. The inclusion of places like the office and the power room made the slaughterhouse seem more realistic.
I'm afraid I didn't care for your characters too much. They weren't dumb and were relatively well-developed (at least these guys had lives to go back to after being chased around an abattoir by a disgruntled butcher) but they still struck me as the typical obnoxious fratboys seen in many a horror movie before (the whole "let's play a prank on the girls" bit made them seem even more so). They weren't scum, as you said, and I don't ask for characters to be perfect (they're always more interesting if they're not) but they really didn't seem all that different to me. I guess that's just me though.
Formatwise, you script was pretty good although a few too many camera directions for my taste. It doesn't always hurt to bend screenwriting rules a little, just don't go overboard. All in all, a pretty decent read. It was well-written and it entertained. Good job, Guy.
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