Quoted from dogglebe Off camera (O.C.) is used when a character speaks off camera in a television show.  Off screen (O.S.) is used for the same reason in a movie.  Both can be used in their appropriate mediums.Phil

But neither should be used in a Spec script when the character is actually (and obviously) in the scene.

Thanks, Phil. I did not know. I will change it to O.S.

No problem.


Phil

Looks like I opened a can of worms with that question.

Thanks for all the input.

Steve

And finished.  Starting up on page 76.

At this point I'm really wondering if this phenomena is only happening in Boston.  As far as I remember, there's no mention of it happening anywhere else in the world.  Again, I'll reiterate that the stakes don't seem clear.  I'm not sure what's going to happen to humanity, or if we're all threatened or if it's only select people.  It seems like you'd want to create a sense of dread and panic in the streets by this point with people being taken over, but that never happened.

On 84, we get a first good look at the powers these predators have when Melissa stretches her neck and body parts.  Couldn't help thinking of Reed Richards there.   One problem with scripts like this is that you have to deal with the "invisible bad guy."  Until their tongue comes shooting out, they look just like us.  This concept works in something like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, because the stakes are established very quickly and soon its just these two humans running from a mob of pod people.  I don't think it works as well here where the "takeover" is just in its initial phase.

p 85 typo -  He shakes his leg fusiously.

"Straight jacket" should be strait jacket.

I know I'm getting a little redundant about the dialogue, but it really feels that the dialogue is the main mover of the plot.  Some expo dialogue is necessary in a script like this, but in carefully selected places.  Too many times here it runs on for pages.  James' dialogue on 90-91 is an example.

What exactly was the calamity that nearly wiped out the predators?  Is that referring to the same event event that killed the dinosaurs?  It would really help if you could put a name and face to this lost race.  Describe in detail who and what they were and do it visually.

The pub scene on 92 was a bit of a wtf moment for me.  The Boston area, quite possibly the world is being taken over by entities and suddenly it's Miller Time?  Felt like you really needed to crank up the momentum at this point, not slow it down.

You're riding the line between demonic possession and alien takeover here, but never commit to either.  At some points, you have priests chanting old spells that have an Exorcist-like effect and other times you have the predator-possessed people talking about how superior their race is.  I think it would work better if you chose one of those notions and stuck to it throughout the story.

I think the Kruger character is intro'd far too late.  He is an interesting character and I wish we saw more of him.  On the other hand, the script felt overpopulated by minor characters like Bonnie and David at times.

The jungle scene where Kara rescues Melissa sort of reminded me of Insidious where the dad has to go into the dreamscape to save his son.  The "demon reptile" I guess shows us the predator in its true form?  If that is the case, they just don't seem like the ultimate predator to me.  More like a dinosaur hybrid  that the earth shook off its surface eons ago.  For the story to work, we really have to believe that these entities had an intelligence and technology that would enable them to hang around in the spiritual plane for all this time.  I'm still not sure how they accomplished this.  

p 103  some kind of typo in this paragraph, as it sounds like there are two Melissas here:  "Melissa opens her eyes, finds herself standing with Melissa in an embrace, the others watching from the same positions we last saw them.

She gently pulls away just enough so she can look at Melissa's
face, just as Melissa opens her eyes."

typo on 103: Is it it over?

The reveal of Kruger didn't hit me too hard because as I mentioned I thought he was intro'd too late.  If he was there from the beginning, it would have had much more impact.

on 105, didn't get who Conner was referring to when he said "I will find her."

So, at the end, I'm left with a few questions.  What was the deal with the baby in the fridge?  I liked that visual, but I'm not sure how it fits into the story.  Why were these entities so focused on Kara?  What is it about her that makes her special?  Why exactly do these things tap on the window?

I think you need to clearly define the scope of the quickening.  Is this only happening in Boston?  The story you presented felt too small for the subject matter.  Really felt like it needed to be expanded.

In hindsight, I'm not sure if having Melissa possessed was a good idea.  She gets as much screen time and turns out to be a more interesting character than your lead Kara.  More stuff has to happen directly to Kara and she needs to become more active.  The story should revolve around her and why she is the key to the quickening.

But more than anything, I'd say that you need to define the predators more.  What they are, how they used to live and hunt, what caused them to physically leave the world, how they are able to remain in spirit form.  The central idea behind the script is intriguing, with the entities quietly guiding human history the way they want it to go.  But, it doesn't really seem like the most practical plan.  Waiting hundreds of thousands of years for apes to turn into humans so you can take over the bodies.  Why does the quickening happen now instead of much earlier, like as soon Cro-Magnons evolved?

And for a race of superior beings, they were defeated rather easily by this motley crew of humans.  After all that time waiting around and tapping at windows, seems like they would have had a grander plan for the big takeover.

So, I liked the idea behind this much more than the execution.  A superior race living right under our noses and outside our windows.  But I think you need to flesh out this idea and completely restructure the script for it to work.  Good luck on the rewrites.

Ryan

  

  

Hey Ryan

Thanks for taking all that time to raise the issues you found. Really appreciate it.

On my way to a basketball game, so I can't respond more at the moment. I will post answering some of these issues later. Up to you if you want to check back, obviously you've already gone above and beyond the call of duty in your remarks. I hope you check back because I think one of the interesting things I'd like to consider are some general issues in the realm of sci fi and horror. So while I'm sure you've just about had it with this script, you might be interested to pitch on a couple of these general things.

And anyone else who wants to discuss, especially those who like sci fi horror. We could even more that to a general thread, I suppose.

Off to the game! Later, and thanks/

Hey Kev,

I know I've read parts of this story in a different form.
Is this a new draft of that script I read a year ago?

Or does this one go in a completely different direction and should be treated as new?
I can't seem to locate the notes I posted on this a while back for some reason.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Brett

I had that draft removed months ago. That was written when I new LESS than nothing about writing. Now I just know nothing!

I decided to rewrite Tap using the basic characters and plot, but more or less from scratch. However, once I began, I couldn't resist reusing certain scenes. That could have been part of what caused some problems, though I'm sure there's more to it.

This is about 80% new, I'd say. Up to you if you want to check it out. I would caution that I really did not bother with structure here. In fact, I had a structure sketched out, and I abandoned it. I was more concerned with creating trailer moments, to be honest.

Another problem was this: in looking at horror films, it seemed to me that there is a certain basic formula. The idea is to spend 3/4 of the film building questions with the audience, in a tense or spooky type setting of course. A lot is left to the imagination, and this part of the film, the build, is the best part.

The problem with the formula is that you finally have to tie it all together in a way that does not completely piss off the audience. I think audiences know that the ending explanation and resolution almost never lives up to the build. In fact, the better the build, the harder it is to do that. So you increase your chances of having a bad ending by having a good beginning.

I'm not saying that is the only or even primary issue with the script. I'm explaining the approach I took. I deliberately created loose ends and questions throughout the first half of the story. It's not that I didn't have answers to these things, it's just that I think it's the building of the questions that matters most. And when I finally do resolve them, I don't answer them all because there's exposition enough as is.

So this would be a tough one for you to get through; though I know you've managed to slog through worse, since you got through the original!! My aim was for low budget horror producers, who I hope will see a strong buildup with scary scenes and intriguing questions. Your highly esteemed opinion is welcome as always, but please don't feel obligated. I know this work would aggravate you. I do have another version of Messiah coming out soon that is quite different from the first, and much more important to me. I'd rather you poke through that one, but up to you. And no, it is not really a religious script, and I am actually atheist. I'm cool whatever you decide. Thanks!

Quoted from leitskev Hey Brett This is about 80% new, I'd say. Up to you if you want to check it out. I would caution that I really did not bother with structure here. In fact, I had a structure sketched out, and I abandoned it. I was more concerned with creating trailer moments, to be honest.

Hey Kev!

Oh, you're in my queue, rest assured.

I just wanted some context that might facilitate a more effective read.
And you just gave it to me, much appreciated!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from leitskev My aim was for low budget horror producers, who I hope will see a strong buildup with scary scenes and intriguing questions.

Kevin, in no way is this low budget.  Are you seriously thinking it is?

This is relatively low budget. Producers can be very creative when it comes to filming within a budget. Most of this script borders on no budget. Then, depending on what what budget is available, they decide what to do with the other scenes. Some limited CGI would be required, but CGI is not expensive anymore.

This is not as cheap as just shooting someone running through the woods for most of a film, but it's still low budget, IMO.

OK, bro, but I'm going to have to completely disagree with you.

You've got a multitude of unique settings.  You have a cast of well over 100, including lots of exact wardrobe requirements.  You have lots of police vehicles, firetrucks, and even military stuff, including a "shelling" of an institution.

Your CGI is fairly extensive as well, including kills, creatures, and most likely even sets.  Virtually all your kill scenes require quite a bit of both CG and practical effects.

To do this script the way it's written, you're talking about a bare minimum of $10 Million.  To do it "right", you're looking at over $20 Million, IMO.

That is far from low budget in my book.

Hey Kev,

Thought I'd crack this one open in lieu of that new Messiah draft you've got coming.
My recollection of the previous draft is pretty null.
I recall scenes at a coastal home, reminded me of Hull, MA.
Great view of Boston from the water's edge.

I'll take notes as I go and sum up when I stop.

Your opener felt like a hybridized Exorcist/2001 vibe.
Was the animal reactions and appearance of the city related?
I only ask because one happened at night, the other in day.

This dialogue on page three reads awkward to me:
Your mother doesn't remember what it's like to be a kid.

If it was prefaced with something like, "Why doesn't mommy believe me?"...
I could see that as a potential response.
As written, daddy comes off rather douchey, IMO.

Daddy's speech at the top of page four feels too overcomplicated for a six year old.
Strip mine that for the core concept and I think it will feel more plausible.

The schizophrenia exposition really stick out on page seven.
Seems an odd topic to jump to after poo pooing work chatter.

Page eight...Bonnie's reaction to the gale feels contrived to me.
She's been all slutty then immediate gets serious with Kara.
Perhaps teasing Kara with that exposition would make it more convincing.

Ouija scenes feel so execution dependent to me.
They read hokey, but occasionally look good on film. I'm skeptical.
I feel the whole apartment sequence is burying me in exposition.

And the final bit with the sweatshirt is the kicker.
Why not make that into a visual cue instead of five lines of dialogue?
Kara wigs out, then reveals she's wearing the NYU sweatshirt.
Something like that might help balance out the intense exposition.

Is Melissa a new character? I don't recall her in the previous draft.

Typo. Page Fourteen.
Melissa stairs fearfully at her window

A ten year old girl getting excited about a night light reads awkward.
Why would someone hide a gift under a bed not knowing if it would ever be found?

Stopping on page seventeen today.
The Skype set up didn't grab me, I'm not sure why.
Perhaps I would've felt more involved in the room with Melissa.

I guess I wish the scene didn't  automatically go to this formless scary thing.
Tend to prefer entities that charm/lure wee ones to danger.
Even better if the audience sees it on Skype before Kara does.

I know there's a better way to do that scene, just haven't figured it out yet.

I'll pick this up as work allows. Hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Brett

The opening two scenes are related to the premise. Normally I wouldn't reveal it since you are early in the read, but I don't think it will bother you to know. The entities that are the villains here are the disembodied spirits of a species that died long ago. They have long sought a way back into the world, and they see in man's ancestors that chance. They learn to torment and influence man, spooking him from his forest lair, and their ability to influence man grows over time. Eventually some of them are able to possess, and they guide men to build civilizations, and eventually the science and technology needed to bring their kind back. The Exorcist feeling is understandable, but really pretty different. It would be more closely akin to 2001 Space Odyssey. I have not scene the more recent Exorcist, was that 2001?

I don't think I would want to preface the conversation with her father in that way. The mother has strict rules: no lights. She forgets how kids are afraid of monsters in the closet and under the bed. Her father understands these things. I don't at all get the father as being douchey either, and that is definitely the opposite reaction to anyone who has read this, even those that in general don't like the script. To most people the father simply comes across as gentle and understanding.

You are spot on about the exposition in the apartment scene. Some I had to find a way to get in. In fact, the part about the schizophrenia was inserted after the scene was written.

The nightlight is not too hard to understand, IMO. Kara had had similar problems when she was little. She knows her mother's rule about lights out. She leaves the gift under the mattress knowing that if the situation requires, she can give her sister some comfort with this over the phone.

The Skype scene is another one that has generally worked well with other readers. Many of us can identify with the helplessness of watching something threaten a loved one and not be able to do anything about it. Nothing wrong with entities that charm or lure, but that's a different story, at least at this point.

My starting point for this story was to try to capitalize on a basic fear, something we all can identify with. Monsters in closets have been done. Many people can identify with being a kid and seeing shadows of trees on the wall, fearing imaginary things at the window. And even those that can't might identify with the notion of something looking in on them through the window, pretty creepy. It also plays from the possession angle, where you have entities looking enviously from the outside of this world trying to get in.

Thanks for picking it up, like I said, no hurry or urgency with this. This was the first thing I've put together that made little effort at character arcs or anything like that. I just wanted to string together trailer scenes.

Quoted from leitskev Hey Brett The Skype scene is another one that has generally worked well with other readers. Many of us can identify with the helplessness of watching something threaten a loved one and not be able to do anything about it. Nothing wrong with entities that charm or lure, but that's a different story, at least at this point.

Hey Kev,

I hear ya, pal. And those words sound....sound.
But, my mind went to those cheesetastic Japanese school girl horror shows.
Z grade Ringu tpye stuff with mini skirts, knee high socks and lots of screaming.

I found the scene irksome, I wanted to be there with the girl.
Guess I've seen too many "watch someone get killed on internets" horror clones.

I'll pick this up in a few days, work's being annoying.

Regards,
E.D.