Oops, accidentally hit NOTIFY instead of MODIFY. Not sure what I just did. Oh well.

Michael, in some of the quoted text for the script, you haven't quoted it exactly right. I was wondering how there could be so many errors I missed, but you have actually misquoted some.

I know some people frown on unfilmables (lol) but I chose to put some in this script. Maybe some people notice them more than others. My next script I prolly won't put any in but for this script I did.

Cheers stevie

I copied and pasted most of it from the script. I took bits and pieces out of other parts... like the end of sentences because the end of a certain sentence was what I was highlighting.

Hope I'm not coming off as too harsh, but the script isn't in its best shape, IMO. But they're easy fixes. As for the unfilmables, they are used often in a lot of scripts, but you describe odor. Not only do you describe odor but (paraphrasing) you say, for sure an odor. You put emphasis on it. And that's just an example. It can be done, be it's not done particularly well here, not really capturing the essence. Like I said, prose doesn't necessarily mean more. It's a script for a FILM. Your prose, IMO, in this script, slows down the read.

It's the basic rule of screenwriting... show, don't tell. I'll just focus on story and plot from here on out because it seems you're pretty set on the writing.

-- Michael

Quoted from spesh2k I copied and pasted most of it from the script.

I checked a couple and they weren't misspelt in the actual script. No matter

I'm looking at the script right now. Staring at what I highlighted.

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/FortHell.pdf

I'm looking at everything I highlighted and it all matches up... not sure if you posted a new version, but the above link is the one I'm literally looking at right now.

Quoted from spesh2k http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/FortHell.pdf I'm looking at everything I highlighted and it all matches up... not sure if you posted a new version, but the above link is the one I'm literally looking at right now.

No, it's the same version. But your cut and paste must be wonky as I can count 4 quotes that have words misspelt. And they are not my errors. I'm looking at them right now.

It's cool. I gotta go anyway.


Wow, that's spooky. This is my 1965th post. That is the same year my avatar pic was taken....lol

I only point out three misspelled words and they all check out... Lee should be Lee's, as should be has, and became should be become.

Quoted from spesh2k I only point out three misspelled words and they all check out... Lee should be Lee's, as should be has, and became should be become.

Oh sorry, yeah the ones you point out are definitely wrong. But in some of the quoted text boxes, there are errors that aren't in the script.

Eg: 'Walking to the rockfall, Garner spots a crucifix immediately'.   In the script this is THE crucifix.

When Garner says he's been saved by an Indian woman, the quote reads 'save', again not in the actual script. There's a couple of other errors in the quoted boxes.

Sorry to be pedantic about it but kind of got to me, lol. I am tired though. Big night at work last night and up early again this morn.

Take care bro

Oh! Yeah, I didn't cut and paste everything... I was para-quoting (if that's a word)... but I wasn't emphasizing the misspelled word (the ones I misspelled, sorry)... I para-quoted to emphasize that the sentences could be worded differently... I wasn't saying you misspelled the words (that I misspelled). Those quotes had nothing to do with the "word" that I misspelled, as I didn't point that out.

Sorry for the mix up.

Well, well, well...

As Stevie knows, I've been avoiding commenting here, because I don't want to be harsh or negative to my awesome Aussie brother.  But, I feel like I need to jump in quickly.

I have to agree with alot Michael brings up, as well as the general underlying tone of his remarks.

The writing on display here just isn't very good and at times, it's pretty bad.  I'm not sure what happened here, because I know you spent alot of time on this and I also know, more importantly that you're such a better writer than what's on display here.

I've started numerous reviews for this script and deleted them all.  So, without going into detail, I do need to say a few things that have been said before by others.

The amount of white space and blank lines is obscene here.  This script is incredibly bloated at a mere 75 pages, which is crazy.  In reality, if the script was properly formatted, I doubt it's even 65 pages long.

On top of that, there are so many unfilmables on display which add nothing, as well as lots of overwriting that again, adds zero.

But, the shocking thing and a HUGE problem is the complete lack of visual writing and details that must be given.  The intro is a prefect example of this.  How big is this Indian village?  How many Indians are there?  How many Spaniards?  Where is the mine in relation to the village?  Where are these rock outcroppings near the mine's entrance and what is the general lay of the land?  We're given absolutely nothing and for the life of me, I cannot visualize anything that's happening or any of the sets.

Dialogue - Not good, sorry to say.  Incredibly on the nose and very juvenile - I don't buy it from the Indians, the Spaniards, or the soldiers.

This comes across like a very first draft or shell of a thought/concept and nowhere near a finished version.

One final thought about some comments from Michael on the old ellipsis.  This came up in a recent thread as well about spacing after it.  Yes, I understand it's technically correct, but there are other thoughts and some very interesting articles on it.  Personally, I do not space after an ellipsis, as I will never leave one hanging on its own line.

Sorry, Stevie, my brother, but as I've told you outside the forum, IMO, this is not well written and needs to be cleaned up before being posted.

Cheers bro! Lol

I don't agree with a lot of what you wrote. I know this didn't turn out as well as I hoped, as it became a struggle, especially in the latter parts.

But I honestly liked what I did with it. I was trying for something different. And doing a horror/ western piece is quite outside the square for me  . So I put a lot of work into it.

I have some really good advice from Ryan, alffy and Cornie re ways of making the story stronger. I will state again that I deliberately chose to use some unfilmables so I wasn't writing in the same boring style of most scripts. I had been reading Tarantino scripts at the time as I recall and was influenced by that, lol.

Anyway sorry to be a bitch. But I did a fuckload of research on this, and I was happy with the way most of it came out.

Sorry. Forgot to mention that the spacing did come out funny on it. I wrote a lot of it on my Ipad app and transferred it to the computer. I've always done the double space after end of scene thing,,as Balt recommended it. But it doesn't normally come out that white! Will go back to one space I think or check my Soph settings.

Love you all!  

stevie

Stevie, what I liked about this so much from the very moment you told me about it, is the story/concept - cowboys, soldiers, Indians, zombies.  That rocks and can easily work.

However, as written, for me at least, it doesn't work at all, and the reason for that is the writing.

I'm a big stickler for research and I know you did it here. It's just that you didn't bother to include any visuals in your writing to show that you knew what you were writing about.

Obviously, many, many writers use unfilmables and I'll agree they do indeed add alot to the writing, if done correctly and somewhat sparingly.  QT is a classic example, but remember, he directs the vast majority of his own scripts, so...he can write any way he wants to.  Most Spec writers can't...or shouldn't.  Because when you take out the unfilmables, what are you left with?  You're left with alot less than you may think.

For me, unfilmables are cheats - they can make a bad or mediocre script seem like a decent or even good script, but when it comes time to film, it may become obvious that it was the snappy or smartass writing that made it appear to be more than it actually was.

Hope that makes sesne.

I hear ya bro. Just wanted to get this fucker out there after way to long on it.

I'll get on a rewrite maybe in a few weeks. Am working on my Marilyn script again. And I won't be using any filmables in it as they won't be needed.  Well, maybe...lol

I would suggest getting coverage from a professional. Sorry Stevie, but they won't be quite as forgiving... I'm honestly having a really hard time getting through this, and I've read tons of amateur and pro screenplays over the years. The premise is cool, and I like how these "enemies" join forces. It shows solidarity. But the execution is very poor... the writing should not stand out.

I think you're making too much of an effort to be different in your writing... you're making it a point to NOT write in the same "boring" style that most professional screenplays are written. Your writing should not overshadow the story, and unfortunately, it does here... and not in a positive way.

It's great that you're taking into consideration the suggestions of others on ways to improve the story... I understand that you've done a lot of research and put a lot of time and effort into this... but as of now, you have a poorly written, 50 page script (when spaced correctly).

You seem to be set in your style of writing with this script... but I'd hate to see all that research and effort go to waste, and unfortunately, the writing will hurt this project.

If you really want to improve this script, and improve as a writer (I haven't read your other work), I'd suggest getting professional coverage. They may not tell you what you want to hear, but they will tell you what you NEED to hear.

-- Michael