All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Demon Within by Khamanna Isdandarova - Horror - While filming a documentary about a set of murders at a house, a young man, recently debilitated, struggles to contain his suspicions and jealousy about his fiancé and best friend but soon discovers the cause of the victims' demise when the three's hostilities manifest demonic doppelgangers. - pdf, format
For consideration: While filming a documentary about a set of murders at a house, a recently debilitated, but paranoid young man discovers the victims demise may have been caused by demonic doppelgangers.
It's not a massive improvement -- still a mouthful -- but maybe this encapsulates the theme with less words.
I'm now going to read the script. Looking forward to it.
I've read the first ten pages. I'm going to stop here for tonight, it's getting late and I need to work on some of my stuff.
I'm not sure I should come across as so negative in a review, it's not going to benefit myself in return reads, but I have to be honest.
I will read the entire script but I had to stop at several points, and this becomes annoying. Therefore I feel I need to point these things out to you.
3> Finds a footage -- finds footage. I tthink he's on pause but the description...makes me pause. For several moments to figure out what I'm seeing. His crazed eyes... that line. Just say a still motion shot of Simon looking into the camera. Flows --
5: Lisa reaches for Greg's blanket as it seems to slide off. -- It either slides off or it doesn't.
6: It's foggy outside and they peer out of it. -- Awkward sentence. They peer out of their windows. Fog covers the landscape. Not much better -- if at all -- but it keeps things present.
Odd description here.: Abandoned house. Vegetation around is barely present. So we see an abandoned house. Vegetation is around, but is barely present? Not sure what I'm supposed to see here.
8: I'm nitpicking, but the RAMP they use to enter the house should not really have creaking floorboards. Perhaps describe the wooden slats CREAK. The word floorboards took me elsewhere.
We enter the house -- and have a written tour of it's infascructure. This is telling, not showing. If you want us to see the rooms, show us.
As far as I can see, we're in a dark hall with a staircase and doorways. You then tell us what is beyond those doorways without showing us.
INT. CORRIDOR - NIGHT Who looks inside what bedroom? Lisa walks into what? A doorway perhaps?
9: There's a cupboard in a corner. A few inches from a wall. There's a closet behind it? I have no idea what I'm seeing here. You have a cupboard a few inches from a wall... a closet beside it, perhaps. Cut the shite. A closet. A cupboard. That's all that is needed. Don't need inchies and measurments. Over complicating simple description.
They pass by the long array of tablets... wait, what? What tablets? Perhaps you mean to introduce these tablets, so it would be " a long array of tablets". Then show us. As of now, you are saying we've supposed to have seen these already. Confused.
Where are these tablets? On the walls? Hanging like a picture frame? No idea what I'm seeing here.
Dialogue is decent, characters are fine. It's a simple haunted horror house flick at the moment, by the numbers, nothing amazing is making me want to tread further which is dissapointing.
Mickey, Thanks, no need to apologize before you review, lol. Thanks a lot for all the notes/wording suggestions - that's s big help. You made me feel like a slacker with yours, but I honestly haven't noticed anything - ut was a clean read) will be waiting for more, thanks.
"It’s obvious now that it’s not been Greg but Demon-Greg" is what I had in mind.
Oh, ok. But that's another character. Demon-Greg and Greg are two different characters that look exactly alike. It's just one is a human and ther other one is a demon. The ugly demon creature turned into Greg when Greg went roque.
The beginning is confusing only because you are trying to cram so much exposition into one scene. Does it really matter considering this is a horror movie what was bought, with whose money, or why? We don’t even know these characters yet. I would think about building your characters first before you dive into backstory. Backstory can always be sprinkled in as the movie progresses but you only get once chance to make a first impression.
There is a bit of overwriting early on. For example “The thunderous clouds loom overhead. The weather doesn’t look promising.” I know it’s not looking promising because there are thunderous clouds overhead.
A lot of the banter in the car just seems to be banter. Do we need all the ribbing and joking around? I’d cut a lot of it out and get right to your story. You could have had the kids pull right up to the house page 1 and I don’t think much would have been lost.
So they bought a house where a murder was committed and plan to turn it into an attraction? And a house that seems very out of the way? I’m not sure how good of a business plan that would be.
Page 8 when Max reads the sign needs to be written as dialogue, not action.
Are they filming a documentary now? I’m confused.
Give the bedrooms names such as master bedroom, guest room, children’s room etc. Page 15 and nothing has happened. I’m not sure what the stakes are, the characters seem very much the same at this point except Greg and only because he is disabled.
They arrived at a house. There appears to be a demon but he isn’t doing anything except checking himself out in a mirror. You have a creepy house which might create a scary atmosphere but nothing scary has happened.
Too. Much. Talking. Not. Enough. Plot.
Page 24. So Greg just attacked and killed Max because…….. there was a demon on the ceiling in another room? That was sudden. Part of what makes horror movies work is the slow build up of tension. I’m not sure if having them all killing each other right off the bat, and jarringly, is a good idea. Being shocked and scared are two different things.
Max is dead and nobody cares or helps him? Instead Greg starts attacking the house right away?
These demons take a long time to change shape.
So the demons get pretty aggressive pretty fast. What is stopping everybody from just leaving the crazy house? One of their friends was just murdered by another, demons are attacking and chasing them. And still they stay? They have a car outside.
Skipping ahead now. I see a lot of action lines starting with He. He wrings. He staggers. He tries. He climbs. He looks. This is death. Combine action lines. Change it up. Say more with less.
This is getting messy and losing me. As soon as the demons come out it just seems like one big fight/chase scene. People die and come back to life or are impostered. Messages are left on the wall, and everybody talks a lot considering the horrible circumstances. The dialogue is very on the nose. Everything just blurs together.
What are your three acts? Did you outline this story or just write as you made it up? I read earlier it’s a first draft and that very much shows. But before you go back and rewrite what you have I would take a hard look at your story structure. This starts off slow and then hits the fan quickly. It’s hard to keep that frantic momentum up for the whole movie and I think that’s what you’re trying to do here. You have some good ideas to work off of. Having a disabled character is something you don’t see often. A male and female demon that shape shift is great. Once you establish that, can you ever truly trust what anybody says or does throughout the movie? The writing on the walls that the demons can’t read is a good idea too. But the rest is very messy. Again it’s a first draft I know, but without a solid structure it might be even less than that.
Thanks for the read. I'll get over with your script soon.
p24 - Greg didn't kill Max because of the demon. Greg doesn't know there are demons in the house. Looks like you're totally not into it - and that must be the reason for confusion. You just didn't like the script and I completely understand.
About the structure - I did start with a beat sheet, which I devellopped into a small plan, which turned into a one-page outline. Then I wrote a three page treatment... I like this stuff. So I don't know... The outline and the treatment were written in Russian and optioned by Russians at some point (they option treatments) It's actually hard to get out of structure with this one.
Anyway, I'm sorry you didn't like it. Looks like you couldn't finish it and that's okay.
So Greg killed Max on purpose? Why does he then go crazy and start attacking the house? It totally came off he was possessed.
Like I said, you have some good story elements but you need to embrace them. It's a first draft, there are bound to be issues after all. Don't play all your cards at once. Because once you introduce the demons things get out of control quickly. Find a way to force the kids in the house, car breaks down or flat tire. Horror stories work because they build and build the tension and horror over the course of the movie. Slow things down a bit. Your characters don't need to be attacked and chased non-stop throughout the film.
This has lots and lots of potential. Three characters, one location, a love triangle, and some horror mixed in.
Three characters: This is great because you have more time to develop them and make them feel 3D.
One location: Also great, as it'll be easy to film.
A love triangle: You can never go wrong with this. If done right, love triangles can be filled with drama, conflict, irony, all that jazz, and readers/viewers love that shit.
And then you have the horror aspect you can sprinkle in there.
This could have been great, but it was terribly executed.
First off, I would drop the whole demon thing. Get rid of the demons. Yeah, it could make for very good mystery - who's who? - sort of like John Carpenter's The Thing. But I think you have something better than the whole goofy demon stuff, which got exhausting rather fast.
I liked the idea of two guys and a girl - with sexual tension between them - shacking up in a haunted house and then the house making them turn on each other. The only problem is, you dived in to it too quick. It all happened so fast and felt forced as hell. There's no build up or subtlety. It would have been great to see Max, Greg (also, I would recommend that you come up with some more inspired names for your characters as they're very generic at the moment) and Lisa act differently toward each other over a period of time, saying things, and doing things, that they wouldn't say or do.
Some ideas: You could have developed the jealousy that Max has for Greg because Lisa is with him. And maybe Lisa even knows how Max feels about her, but she remains faithful to Greg despite his disabilities. But you could have the house's evil force just warp her mind and make her sneak into Max's room one night so she can get laid on the account that she's not getting any because of Greg's handicap. The next morning they could all be sitting around having breakfast, Lisa cooking for Greg and Max, and Lisa gives an oblivious Greg a kiss and a hug and tells him 'I love you' or something and Max just watches with disdain. The whole scene is filled with irony and like I said, readers love that shit. Oh my God. The possibilities here are endless. You could do a whole number of things with this love triangle. The horror would definitely take a back seat to all of this shit, but I would like to see quiet, subtle, nothing crazy, but kind of creepy stuff happening around the house as these three slowly start to bicker with each other, lie to each other, and betray each other.
One more thing. I want to discuss why these three are there in the first place. There's a couple throwaway lines about the previous inhabitants and how the house "turned" them too. Lisa says: "The man that gave an interview, Simon, said that... the evil in them stirred up once they got into the house, something like that." It's the "something like that" part that comes across as lazy. You should really get specific here. How did the evil "stir up" in them? Have Simon mention an incident or two in his interview as examples. Get specific. Get precise. Get particular. Get detailed. The more you start doing all that, the most cliche and boring thing will cease to be cliche and boring.
All in all, I honestly think you have something exceptional here, but it needs a serious, full blown, page 1 rewrite.
So Greg killed Max on purpose? Why does he then go crazy and start attacking the house? It totally came off he was possessed.
I see that the story went over your head - must be my fault and I'm sorry about that. I'll think about making it clearer. No, he didn't kill Max on purpose, and he wasn't possessed. I actually wrote already what happened to him here in the earlier post. Looks like the story is not for you.
I revisited the opening ten and it's no where near as bad second time around. I may have been too critical, particularly on the seeing and telling aspect. I now understand the groups intention. They are going to the house to make a video with props in order to help promote the building as a haunted house attraction park. ( As Greg says on page 12, I'm not too sure what this would achieve promotion wise. Notoriety, perhaps, and sure a few ghoulish tourists might be interested in visiting -- but anyway, apologies for missing this first time round).
12: This feels like a POV shot. It might be easier to use UNKNOWN PERSON/ ENTITY POV. As of now, I get what you are aiming for but it lacks visual clarity. Of course, this could just be a style choice. Bottom line -- I understand what you mean but there may be a better way of describing it.
13: Greg grows suspicious of Max's "friendship" with Lisa. Interesting to see how this develops.
BEDROOM 1: Am I seeing this correctly? As this entity materializes, the first thing we see is a an eyeball? Then the face? But we don't see the face? I'm trying to picture something shrouded in darkness with only it's eyes visible...
14: hungrily sparkle -- sparkle hungrily might be better.
15: I prefer how you have described the transformation process here. It's much clearer. It reminds me of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers or Hellraiser.
16: Simon, Megan, Kate, David. Got a feeling we might be bumping into these a little later. Lisa pockets the stake. Might come in use later, also.
20: I'm actually quite invested in this story now. Good dialogue, very real. Max is turning into the "rude, bad guy", even Lisa had a swipe at Greg’s disability. Characters are changing already, and it's well written.
23: Lisa grabs hold of the wheelchair -- but Greg rolls away -- Lisa slips on her face and knocks herself out? Hmmm. Not too keen on how this works, seems a bit slapstick. I feel the same way when Greg attacks Max. It's more effective when he hits his head on the table but I'm just having a hard time visualizing someone in a wheelchair knocking two people out in quick succession. Not saying it's not possible.
24: He keeps turning into a man as he listens to Greg. -- I'd cut this line. 25: Regarding structure, I believe we are where we need to be. For the most part, I think you write well. There's a very interesting story waiting to unwrap. 26: Could cut "with them". No need for CUT TO:
1-25 SUMMARY A trio of friends GREG, LISA and MAX, are interested in filming a promotional piece for a haunted house attraction style theme park. They aim to stage a series of murders that happened following advise from the sole survivor Simon, who speaks on video interview about evil. After a brief exploration, where we discover various nameplates quoting biblical texts, tensions boil between Greg and Max. Two demons take shape in the bedrooms -- perhaps feeding off the poisonous atmosphere or spreading negative energy as they take form (Ghostbusters II?). Fed up of cruel taunts, Greg accidently knocks out Lucy and causes Max to have a possibly fatal fall.
PROS: Setting. Can't go wrong with a small cast and single location. Good dialogue, authentic. Characters seem real. Writing is good - when it works, it flows well. Couple of stumbling blocks were infuriating at the start but this could be just me adapting to your style. Potential for conflict is high ( a plus). I'm intrigued to see what happens next.
CONS: None really. At first, I thought there was a lack of clarity regarding the characters motivations for going to this house. I believe I misread the dialogue and it made more sense on second reading. To be continued...
27: Lisa says "Forget all." Did Lisa mean to say "Forget it all." or "Forget all about it."
SECOND FLOOR WINDOW -- This threw me a bit. At first, I thought this was outside the house and we were looking in. It is set in the livingroom -- but I think this in the HALL and up the staircase, where there are a couple of windows. So the female Demon is appearing here? Something like this:
I could be a million miles wrong but that's something like what I'm trying to visualize here.
28: Lisa being corrupt is feeding the Female Demon, I guess? 29: Greg reads a sign on the wall, written in blood. Maybe: Greg reads words on the wall, written in blood. Unless of course it is an actual sign. 32: His eyes become different, as if change in color. *If they change color, you should show us what color they change to. She grabs it and hits Demon-Greg's on the head with it. *She grabs it and hits Demon-Greg on the head.
I'm noticing a surge in awkward writing. I won't bring up every single one, but try to keep things as present as possible.
33: Interesting that Demon-Greg has to also use the walker. So Greg gets scratched, looks down the stairs and calmly calls down to Lisa? What about dealing with the immediate threat first, Demon-Lisa? Need more urgency here.
36: STAIRCASE BETWEEN 1st AND 2nd FLOORS -- HALL STAIRCASE?
The scene on this page is incredibly taxing to read. Lines like this: "He hears the struggle between Demon-Greg and Lisa, stops for a moment and listens."
37: Top of the page, you could probably cut ten lines. It needs two lines, three at most. They tumble down the stairs and land unconscious. The brass stake rolls from Lucy's pocket. That's ten lines condensed to one line, maybe two in FD. The other lines you have are redundant, apart from adding the wheelchair falling on top of Greg, they state the same thing.
38: Tone seems to be changing completely. It's entering farce. 39: Why is Greg going after the demon? Surely he should be heading downstairs to find Lucy? I realize Greg thought the real Lucy told him to keep hold of Demon-Lucy, but I'm struggling to buy this. Just get Lucy and get out.
More biblical nameplates. I'm guessing these demons can't just walk out by themselves, and are trapped inside this house and need Greg or Lucy to help them à la The Keep.
41: Greg takes a dagger from the corpse that looks like a stake? Dagger or stake, please stick to one or the other. 42: Greg carves his name into the wall. I like that this makes sense of the previous carvings/ blood written messages we've seen before. He's now experiencing the same ordeal. However -- to nitpick -- he's got time to do this? Just get on with finding Lisa! 43 - Surely Greg can hear that Demon_Lisa's growl came from downstairs? 44 - Greg goes back to looking for Demon_Lisa again. He's turned into a bit of brain-dead character here. I find it hard to understand his determination to find the monster, rather than find the woman he loves and get her to safety.
Some of the quotes/ signs are blatantly pointing out the writing is on the wall. I think they add a nice touch, humanity's weaknesses regarding jealousy and anger which our characters have endured, but be careful not to overdo it.
The door inside the room -- just call it a bathroom door. And why does he open it, close it, then open it and enter? Just have him enter inside when he first opens it.
You need to look at your sluglines. Make them more descriptive.
45 - How is Max blocked from escaping? Demon-Greg is in the basement. Demon-Lisa just got stabbed in the living room. He's got a free run to the front door.
50 - Feel like we're going round in circles. We don't seem to be getting anywhere. I do hope we discover who put all these helpful signs around the house.
51 - Greg's pulsing vein reminds me of the one he had earlier. It would be interesting turn of events if Greg is the Master Demon or something and has had this planned out from day one. Maybe not, but it's a relief to have an end to all that running around. 53 - Why is Demon-Greg talking to Lisa as if nothing has happened? She just saw him crawl across the ceiling and try to kill her.
25-55 SUMMARY Lots of running around, fighting with demons, walking into dark rooms, reading signs. The jealousy theme (the cause of the conflict) still exists but the paranoia that could have been developed from the opening act has been unfortunately set aside.
PROS: There is a market for this type of horror film. No doubt about it; I watch them on TV in the background all the time. I feel if you rework this segment and up the ante whilst keeping some of the suspense alive it would move the script up a level.
CONS: Following what I believe was a promising first act, I'm disappointed you chose to go down this route for the second act. Sometimes it's better to keep the monster in the dark. Here, when they are revealed, they don't strike me as particularly threatening. I'm not sure what they want to achieve -- maybe they're just playing with these guys before they kill them, maybe they need them to escape the house. But whatever it is, they're not menacing enough. This was such a difficult read at times. Lots of awkward writing, unneeded sentences, missing words in dialogue, worst of all -- repetition.
I'm printing out the comments - great stuff, thanks. I won't answer the comments if you don't mind, trying to study the feedback, rethink some moments in the script... not easy)) Thanks again, very well-thought feedback.
So Greg gets scratched, looks down the stairs and calmly calls down to Lisa? What about dealing with the immediate threat first, Demon-Lisa? Need more urgency here.
37: Top of the page, you could probably cut ten lines. It needs two lines, three at most. They tumble down the stairs and land unconscious. The brass stake rolls from Lucy's pocket. That's ten lines condensed to one line, maybe two in FD. The other lines you have are redundant, apart from adding the wheelchair falling on top of Greg, they state the same thing.
That was a problem scene - I remember rewriting it several times. I want to show how much time it'll take on screen when I write. I made it cleaner anyway, thanks for pointing it out.
39: Why is Greg going after the demon? Surely he should be heading downstairs to find Lucy? I realize Greg thought the real Lucy told him to keep hold of Demon-Lucy, but I'm struggling to buy this. Just get Lucy and get out.
He changed - he's more angry than loving. I'll make sure it's on the page, good find.
44 - Greg goes back to looking for Demon_Lisa again. He's turned into a bit of brain-dead character here. I find it hard to understand his determination to find the monster, rather than find the woman he loves and get her to safety.
I guess I need to show more of a struggle here. He's a bit of brain-dead - but that's normal for him - anger and menace won over love.
Some of the quotes/ signs are blatantly pointing out the writing is on the wall. I think they add a nice touch, humanity's weaknesses regarding jealousy and anger which our characters have endured, but be careful not to overdo it.
45 - How is Max blocked from escaping? Demon-Greg is in the basement. Demon-Lisa just got stabbed in the living room. He's got a free run to the front door.
They had a little fight with Max their and moved into the hall. Now Lisa is between the door and the staircase. I'll make sure my thoughts are on the page
50 - Feel like we're going round in circles. We don't seem to be getting anywhere. I do hope we discover who put all these helpful signs around the house.
The tourists that's been there before them. And Greg follows their steps. The pictures of the monsters is from the owner. It's all in there when they do their research - Max and Greg go through thte books and stuff later in the story...
25-55 SUMMARY Lots of running around, fighting with demons, walking into dark rooms, reading signs. The jealousy theme (the cause of the conflict) still exists but the paranoia that could have been developed from the opening act has been unfortunately set aside.
PROS: There is a market for this type of horror film. No doubt about it; I watch them on TV in the background all the time. I feel if you rework this segment and up the ante whilst keeping some of the suspense alive it would move the script up a level.
CONS: Following what I believe was a promising first act, I'm disappointed you chose to go down this route for the second act. Sometimes it's better to keep the monster in the dark. Here, when they are revealed, they don't strike me as particularly threatening. I'm not sure what they want to achieve -- maybe they're just playing with these guys before they kill them, maybe they need them to escape the house. But whatever it is, they're not menacing enough. This was such a difficult read at times. Lots of awkward writing, unneeded sentences, missing words in dialogue, worst of all -- repetition.
I thought about demons being their imagination but then decided against it - that would overcomplicate the matter and I want a simple horror flick. I'll try to make the demons more menacing I guess.
Hi there. I´m new at this so I don´t know how this works nor have I really read a script before this... I also apologize for anything I´m about to say, I´m not trying to be rude or to insult the author of the script; I just wanted to share some of my thoughts about it.
Anyhow here it goes: For starters I wasn´t full concentrated while checking the script so I might got a few things wrong or didn´t understand part of the sotry... not blaming on the writing, it was me since I didn´t give it all my attention.
With that said I think your writing is AMAZING. Great description, very visual & precise. Straight to the point & clear enough to make the story flow & also creating a creepy feeling about the location but also giving the images a good-looking style... if that last part makes sense.
I think many lines work very well. They seem like the right ones most of the time. Now, I do find some cons. I get a huge vibe of Evil Dead meets House... & by House I mean the book by Ted Dekker that was turn into a Michael Madsen movie in 2008, Another thing I noticed was that you really succeed in creating some suspense in the scenes where a character is with a demon but he/she doesn´t know it yet... I think it´s a problem because on paper we know that anything bad can happend to the character while a demon is with him/her but on film I think that disappears.
I´ll try to explain myself. On paper we know who´s the demon because it says it right before that character says a line, now on film I think the audience can get confused because they look the same & we can´t tell them apart. Yeah, I know Greg goes upstairs while Lisa stays on the ground floor but as far as I remember I got lost, I mean at some point the events didn´t tell me who was whom, I only knew that because of the name of the character when started to speak.
Another thing, the twist about Max... On film it perfetly works because we get to see but on paper we should know the twist since the real Max dies because the one character who´s now talking is Demon-Max. I think you cheated in that by not putting Demon-Max after the real Max died. Maybe I´m worng about this last one & it´s the right way to do it... in that case I apologize for my ignorance.
A big problem I noticed was the the logline is quite misleading. I mean, "found footage"... the characters go to that place to do a documentary but I think we only see them do one take & that´s it. I think the theme of filming a documentary should go throughout the script because that´s part of what someone wants after they´ve read the logline. Besides I thought they´ll use more equipment but they just don´t. They leave it laying around. I think i´d be better for the story to have them use their equipment, I don´t know, maybe the demons look different in camera or they use the laptop to investigate &/or get help. What I´m saying is that if they have things, they should use them, if they won´t then don´t even let them have those thing.
Sorry to use this but I want to get my point across. In Evil Dead or The Blair Witch Project the characters try to use the things they had but for the story to work they lost those things or they didn´t work... now if a character has technical equipment he/she will use it to get the best out of it in that situation like it happens in 1408 or Grave Encounters. In this story you set up things that can be used as plot devises but then you don´t even mention them again... you even brought the gasoline tank out of nowhere, at leat that´s what it seemed because nobody mentioned it before that line Greg says.
There´s not to much plot to the story... after the very well-conceived set-up it´s just a bunch of people walking around in an old house reading from the walls & fighting from time to time. I mean it has some great ideas, don´t get me wrong, you story has much potential with that take on demons that transform into humans within a house but... aside from those concept the events themself aren´t interesting enough, not to mention that honestly the human characters were really, really unlikable to the point that I was rooting for the demons to win. I think the problem was how they treat each other, not the dialogue because most of the lines were really really good.
I mean, that "love triangle" was the problem. I never belived that Greg & Max could be friends nor that Lisa was worth all they did or say to each other. They were like the worst people. One last thing about the characters... didn´t really get whay the demons wanted to leave. I like the idea of them wanting to be humans but I think it needs more work, it´s mentioned like one time & that´s alright because we don´t want to give away the motivations of the antagonists but I think that looking back after the reveal nothing adds up to that.
More conflict & plot could make the demons´s motivation & past way more interesting. Maybe to say that they were humans once but aren´t because of some sort of curse, that they do it because someone above their food chain tell them to do it or just that they got fed up of being trapt in that house so they don´t care if the prize to get out is stop to be demons.
Also, big question: Why nobody leave the house? Demons or humans... I just didn´t get it, why they stayed in it? Nothing led me to thing that they couldn´t pass trought the door. And why would Greg will leave his "dead best friend" on the floor next to her fiancee just to go upstairs? I thought the house was "seducing" him but it wasn´t clear to me. The reactions the humans have towards seeing their (even though they werent) friend dead was just unlikeable, like they didn´t care or they were used to that.
Another thing: I was hoping to know more about the story of the survivor but I just got some pieces here & there. I think that story could be use to inspire fear & a very disturbing set up... like the movie Oculus or Grave Encounters does. If the characters are doing a documentary use their knowledge & what they´ve investigated to try to figure out a plan to fight the demons. Honestly I was confused about Greg being in a wheelchair. Some times I thought he could walk perfectly without help & then I was surprise to know he couldn´t.
I guess that´s all... I don´t really remember more. Thank you for reading this far & I´m sorry for writing so much. I also apologize if it seems like I´m being rude to you insulting your work. That´s not my intention. Probably most of what I wrote doesn´t even make any sense or I´m the one who´s wrong & so many things I said are different, clear or not even in the script.
Hi there. I´m new at this so I don´t know how this works nor have I really read a script before this... I also apologize for anything I´m about to say, I´m not trying to be rude or to insult the author of the script; I just wanted to share some of my thoughts about it.
Anyhow here it goes: For starters I wasn´t full concentrated while checking the script so I might got a few things wrong or didn´t understand part of the sotry... not blaming on the writing, it was me since I didn´t give it all my attention.
With that said I think your writing is AMAZING. Great description, very visual & precise. Straight to the point & clear enough to make the story flow & also creating a creepy feeling about the location but also giving the images a good-looking style... if that last part makes sense.
I think many lines work very well. They seem like the right ones most of the time. Now, I do find some cons. I get a huge vibe of Evil Dead meets House... & by House I mean the book by Ted Dekker that was turn into a Michael Madsen movie in 2008, Another thing I noticed was that you really succeed in creating some suspense in the scenes where a character is with a demon but he/she doesn´t know it yet... I think it´s a problem because on paper we know that anything bad can happend to the character while a demon is with him/her but on film I think that disappears.
I´ll try to explain myself. On paper we know who´s the demon because it says it right before that character says a line, now on film I think the audience can get confused because they look the same & we can´t tell them apart. Yeah, I know Greg goes upstairs while Lisa stays on the ground floor but as far as I remember I got lost, I mean at some point the events didn´t tell me who was whom, I only knew that because of the name of the character when started to speak.
Another thing, the twist about Max... On film it perfetly works because we get to see but on paper we should know the twist since the real Max dies because the one character who´s now talking is Demon-Max. I think you cheated in that by not putting Demon-Max after the real Max died. Maybe I´m worng about this last one & it´s the right way to do it... in that case I apologize for my ignorance.
A big problem I noticed was the the logline is quite misleading. I mean, "found footage"... the characters go to that place to do a documentary but I think we only see them do one take & that´s it. I think the theme of filming a documentary should go throughout the script because that´s part of what someone wants after they´ve read the logline. Besides I thought they´ll use more equipment but they just don´t. They leave it laying around. I think i´d be better for the story to have them use their equipment, I don´t know, maybe the demons look different in camera or they use the laptop to investigate &/or get help. What I´m saying is that if they have things, they should use them, if they won´t then don´t even let them have those thing.
Sorry to use this but I want to get my point across. In Evil Dead or The Blair Witch Project the characters try to use the things they had but for the story to work they lost those things or they didn´t work... now if a character has technical equipment he/she will use it to get the best out of it in that situation like it happens in 1408 or Grave Encounters. In this story you set up things that can be used as plot devises but then you don´t even mention them again... you even brought the gasoline tank out of nowhere, at leat that´s what it seemed because nobody mentioned it before that line Greg says.
There´s not to much plot to the story... after the very well-conceived set-up it´s just a bunch of people walking around in an old house reading from the walls & fighting from time to time. I mean it has some great ideas, don´t get me wrong, you story has much potential with that take on demons that transform into humans within a house but... aside from those concept the events themself aren´t interesting enough, not to mention that honestly the human characters were really, really unlikable to the point that I was rooting for the demons to win. I think the problem was how they treat each other, not the dialogue because most of the lines were really really good.
I mean, that "love triangle" was the problem. I never belived that Greg & Max could be friends nor that Lisa was worth all they did or say to each other. They were like the worst people. One last thing about the characters... didn´t really get whay the demons wanted to leave. I like the idea of them wanting to be humans but I think it needs more work, it´s mentioned like one time & that´s alright because we don´t want to give away the motivations of the antagonists but I think that looking back after the reveal nothing adds up to that.
More conflict & plot could make the demons´s motivation & past way more interesting. Maybe to say that they were humans once but aren´t because of some sort of curse, that they do it because someone above their food chain tell them to do it or just that they got fed up of being trapt in that house so they don´t care if the prize to get out is stop to be demons.
Also, big question: Why nobody leave the house? Demons or humans... I just didn´t get it, why they stayed in it? Nothing led me to thing that they couldn´t pass trought the door. And why would Greg will leave his "dead best friend" on the floor next to her fiancee just to go upstairs? I thought the house was "seducing" him but it wasn´t clear to me. The reactions the humans have towards seeing their (even though they werent) friend dead was just unlikeable, like they didn´t care or they were used to that.
Another thing: I was hoping to know more about the story of the survivor but I just got some pieces here & there. I think that story could be use to inspire fear & a very disturbing set up... like the movie Oculus or Grave Encounters does. If the characters are doing a documentary use their knowledge & what they´ve investigated to try to figure out a plan to fight the demons. Honestly I was confused about Greg being in a wheelchair. Some times I thought he could walk perfectly without help & then I was surprise to know he couldn´t.
I guess that´s all... I don´t really remember more. Thank you for reading this far & I´m sorry for writing so much. I also apologize if it seems like I´m being rude to you insulting your work. That´s not my intention. Probably most of what I wrote doesn´t even make any sense or I´m the one who´s wrong & so many things I said are different, clear or not even in the script.
First off, I haven't read you review - not my script....but....
Welcome to SS, I appreciate the effort you have put in. Whether we are right, or wrong, is often not the answer. It is whether we tried.
You did.
One point. Scriptreader is an industry term. It suggests you are experienced which you suggest you are not. I would recommend changing it to something else, if it makes you feel more comfortable.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
THanks so much for the read. I appreciate the kind words on my writing - not something I hear often.
I agree with many of the questions. I did have them, but decided on the easy way out hoping no one will notice. But readers do notice.
so, the glaring holes right now are - how did Demon-Max knew of the sign Greg and Him agreed on. You spoted that and you're not the only one. I must fix that and I already have an idea how.
Another big question is - why they don't leave. At first they don't have time to leave as after Greg commits his first deed - rams into Max after Lisa's fall - he goes crazy and questions the house. THe stains lead him to the second floor and he follows them as he's too mad at this point. Then Lisa is being dragged into the basement by the Demon. She doesn't have time to leave as she meets both Greg's at the same time as soon as she gets out of her hiding place. Max can't leave - Demon-Lisa blocks the exit. But they can leave when all three unite and start studying the books. I do need to address that issue here. I have an idea... let's see. I'll play with it. I'm thinking to make their time in the living room very short. They sort of decide to leave but start arguing and the events pick up again...
About the real ones and demons being confusing - I'm hoping the viewer knows at the last possible minute. I think it should be fun. I was counting on it actually.
The conflict - thanks for the push, I can make it shine. I have something in mind - quite a few scenes need to be ammended - and that should better the characters and add more conflict. Hopefully!
The characters are gone very hostile toward each other - that's why they are unlikable. Lisa could be more likable perhaps. I'll think about it.
Actually, some excellent points throughout - need to establish gasoline tank, more info on the demons, their motivations - I'll work on that.
Thanks for the additional push, I already made some changes related to what's been said and printed it out again to see what more should be done.
Khamanna
(I agree with Reef - you better change the nick not to confuse us. I think you can easily change it. Many of us do that all the time)
Well is now changed. I�m glad I didn�t upset you with what I said. I hope your keep writing on it, you have pretty good ideas.
One last thing. I get now the why they don�t leave but, in all honesty, I think their reason should be stronger. I mean, you said "But they can leave when all three unite and start studying the books." I dunno, maybe I�m confused but studying a book is the last thing I�d do if I found "demon like creatures" that fight me & my friends. If they are together the next common choice should be leave no matter what. I think i got the idea that in one of the walls it says that nobody should leave or they�ll unleash the "evil" (I can be wrong) which might seem as a good reason form them to stay... but then I thought: wait, why should we belive what the wall says? & also... if they�ve seem to be selfish I think they�d leave at their first chance.
I feel like I�m overstepping so I�ll just say one last thing about their motivations to stay: the consequences of leaving or try to leave the house should be bigger than the ones of staying. I mean, if the only thing they have in mind is to leave then everything they�ll do have to express their goal, if their actions don�t make us feel their goal then there�s something off... What I�m trying to say (if makes any sense) is that having the characters with more than one goal will not only give them depth but that�d explain why they don�t do certain things that lead to an ultimate objective.
i.e. One of them wants to leave but feels like won�t make it far enough alone so he/she needs the help of the other. Perhaps wants to have prove of the supernatural to get famous or something & so he/she stays until gets a recording of the demons, or because of a vision of the previous victims a character wants to do the right thing for that trapped soul & so he/she stays to kill the demons... etc
I don't think you should worry about offending anyone, especially if the feedback is not at all offensive - in this case it's not.
You paide attention to the read and have pretty good ideas - I'm very thankful for that.
About leaving - they do want to leave but each boy wants to find Lisa first and leave with her. I'll make that point stronger - so it comes across right away. And I was going to work on the part when they study about the demons - they should not. They need to want to leave and leave the demon in the house. That could be used as part of the conflict - Max wants to leave, but Greg wants to finish off the demon.
I'll think about previous victims but I don't want to capitalize on them... so I don't know about that.
Pages: 
Author
Demon Within
Logged
Locked Board