The Cockroach Man by Harry Deckard - Horror, Thriller - As a travel writer explores a coastal town, he becomes entangled in the legend of the 'Cockroach Man,' leaving him to wonder what's real and what isn't. 106 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks for posting this, Don.

Really hoping to get some feedback and very happy to trade reviews with anyone interested.

With this I wanted to tell a kind of old-fashioned spooky story, influences were stuff like The Wicker Man and Hot Fuzz (minus the comedy elements).

If anyone does read this, I'm mostly interested in feedback on the story and structure over feedback on use of stage directions etc. I want to get that part right to polish it for future drafts.

I think this definitely needs a rewrite and there a couple of bits I'd want to tighten up - but, for now, it's so nice just to have been able to write 'The End' on a draft that I'm happy to take a step back for a week or so and see what the good folks of this discussion board have to say.

Hey!

I like the title, happy to give this a read. I'll probably be able to provide some live thoughts tomorrow.

If you're really wanting to a swap, I also just posted a horror feature on the boards, "Interstate". The link's in my signature I think. Similar to you, I'm interesting in feedback about the structure, because the script takes a structural turn midway through that I dont know works.

Hey! Thanks - I actually read your logline earlier, so will definitely take a look over the next couple of days and I'll post my thoughts.

Agree on the point about structure - the story/narrative/structure needs to flow before I can even think about feedback on stage directions and scene headings, etc.

Look forward to your thoughts!

I have to tell you that reading any scripts above 10 pages has been nigh-impossible for me of late.  No matter the genre, and I  do not like horror movies.  That being said, something about your description made me open your script and start reading.

***SPOILERS***

I am already through 20 pages!  It reads very smoothly and the dialog 'feels' good.  Nothing so far is unusual, story-wise.  Young, wandering artist type drugged and then killed by the Cockroach Man, then the next wandering artistic-type (yet more conservative, thus less likely fooled) person moves into the same house and already they're seeing cockroaches.  Goofy locals, the cab driver reminding me of the cabbie that poisoned himself using old chip fat as gasoline in his car in Doc Martin, and of course the local 'Big man' who is the 'Mayor' and he is the landlord who rented him his house and the beautiful barmaid/love interest with the tragic backstory, who left her life in the city when her parents died...all not a surprise...yet I am really liking it.  It's very 'comfortable', if you get my meaning.  It feels like Ruth Rendell meets Midsomer Murders.

I have no more time to read right now, as I am 'at work', and have to get back to it.  But you've got a nice script here that is very visual and full of texture/local color, which I personally love, and so do many others.  I think it ticks a lot of boxes and could easily find itself on 'film' someday.  I'll try to get some more read tonight while I'm working.

Hey - thanks so much for taking a look. If there's anything of yours you want a read on, let me know. Great news that you made it past the 10 page mark.

In my head I'd market this more as a thriller than a horror, but as you'll see later on, there are more than just elements of this. I wanted this story to be told in an old-fashioned way.

Love the Doc Martin and Midsomer Murders references! The coastal town is based on a place I used to visit with my grandparents and parents when I was young, so when writing I could see it clear as day.

I think what's interesting is, when you get a little further through, the stereotypical nature kind of twists itself a little bit. I think it's fair to say that some people aren't what they seem, and not just the blatantly creepy townsfolk...

Appreciate the kind words, and if you get the chance would love to hear your thoughts on the rest!

All right!  I made it to the end and I wasn't disappointed.  It was obvious what was going on to some extent, but I kind of wondered for awhile if perhaps Lucy was the unwitting vessel for this mystical terror and that was why Flint was keeping them apart. Until the video was uncovered, and that idea was blown out of the water.  The conclusion was solid and as believable as you can get with a story like this, but Flint's self-sacrifice at the end was really well done.  The ring-for-protection that got serendipitously passed to our hero and girlfriend and allowed them to make it to safety was also a nice vehicle.

The townsfolk did remind me of Hot Fuzz, and I could easily see Alice Jenkins on a bicycle pulling two handguns out of a wicker basket.  I take back the Ruth Rendell comparison, though.  It wound up being more like a Hot Fuzz/X-Files/MidSomer Murders type of story.  I'd watch it.  Love to see this on the screen.

Think we can get Mikey the Trolley Boy to play Alfie?  Yarp!  

Thanks so much for reading all the way through, Steve.

Definitely I can see a casting call for Mikey the Trolley Boy, what a cameo that would be.

Glad you liked it and glad the ring bit was well received, I did wonder if it was a bit cheesy or didn't make sense. And glad you liked the twist with Lucy's character - I wanted to show several sides of her so it would be a bit of a guessing game as to whether she was as you say some kind of vessel, completely innocent or that she may be in on it.

One last question I'd like to ask - did the story all make sense? I know with stuff like this where there's a cover up you have to be careful to tie it up.

Quoted from the goose One last question I'd like to ask - did the story all make sense? I know with stuff like this where there's a cover up you have to be careful to tie it up.

It made sense to me.  Small villages in England are the perfect setting for mysterious dark, supernatural underbelly-type stuff.  It worked just right.  What I'd like to see, in the 2nd movie, Is Geoff's widow, filled with bitter hatred following the death of her husband, taking over Flint's roll.  Possibly even weaponizing the Cockroach Man.

I know you wanted big picture feedback, but right now having read the first 20 or so pages I'll give you my blow-by-blow reactions for now:

3 pages in - it's particularly notable with the interactions between Darren and the unseen male voice are really stilted-seeming. I think partially that's intentional for ominous effect on the man's part, but nothing about Darren implies he is particularly 'stiff' or stuffy in how he talks, and his half of the back and forth also has that slight strangeness. Even in his earlier phone call with the girlfriend, his dialogue was a little 'writerly' (you know, the whole 'only hearing one side of the phone call, so that side has to clearly explicate the conversation of both talkers' thing). It's a fairly small issue, if it even is one, but it's the opening scene where you're trying to be as flawless as possible. For instance - Darren's line "but...er...I don't drink..." is an example of what I mean; I'm having trouble putting it into words. Perhaps it's just a little bit less naturalistic.

pg 5 - "For the first time since he’s been on screen Alan flashes a rare smile." Alan's been on screen for about 30 seconds, and it's hard to say that we've established how frequent his smiles are. His character description is that he wears glasses and is stocky, so maybe if you included something about his expression - a "permanent scowl/frown/side-eye" or something if you want us to know he's not a particularly expressive guy. I could be way off, though.

pg 7/8/9  etc - I appreciate the commitment to firmly establishing the premise in one taxi ride - we've gotten Alan's purpose for being here, his motivation, the lore/history/spooky background etc. In the interest of being constructive, could you make the scene more cinematic to offset the exposition? For instance - rather than just riding in a cab, could something else be going on? Could Alan be catching the train, giving the viewer more of a scenic glimpse, and the taxi driver is instead a fellow commuter (hence making his insistence on small talk more of an imposition, and Alan's unwillingness to engage more character-driven)? Another just-a-thought thought.

(pg 8 - in Australia calling it "tea" is far more posh than calling it "dinner". Interesting).

pg 9 - Alan has a laptop, suggesting at least somewhat contemporary setting. The use of a Dictaphone is strange or twee, in that case. Also I don't know how much of a worthwhile job travel writing is anymore, particularly domestic travel writing. This might all be explained later on but these are my thoughts.

10/11 - see, the dialogue dense scenes here are bringing me back to my earlier point about the dialogue seeming stagey. Flint knows Alan's name, so Alan goes "you're either a psychic...or..." rather than the natural response of being  (non-verbally) confused. I think if I had a constructive way of describing it, I think it'a that  your characters "over-talk". Maybe it's my style, but as another example - Flint establishing the tradition of telling spooky stories goes over several lines of dialogue when that could have been established much quicker, word-wise. I know some people are overly formal in their speech but you could mix it up with some short, sharp spurts of dialogue.

11 - Flint and Alan's early exchange mirrors his and that taxi driver's too closely - it doesn't do anything knew for our understanding of Alan's purpose, and Flint says almost the exact same things as the cab driver about the town, history etc. If there was something uniquely unsettling or foreboding you could introduce with Flint - aside from the new setting and the concept of telling spooky stories - it would be totally excusable. Otherwise you could easily cut between the very introduction of Flint, to when you establish him as a self-styled 'mayor', saving almost a page.

13 - Lucy's "summer job" speech thing is on the nose. I've never heard anyone start speaking with "You might be wondering" and it read wrong to me.

16/17 - this is the third or fourth time now Alan's told a character and us that he's writing this book.

20 - Structure wise, introducing some more overtly horror elements here works, what with the surreal aspects and of course the cockroaches.

Obviously I'll come back to this to finish through the week, but to summarise my thoughts so far - evidently there's some repetitiveness in the early scenes and I don't love some of the dialogue (examples and specifics above). There's more than enough here to promise a good story though and aside from nit-picks it's well written.

I'll be back.

Just have to comment on Ben's comment.

'Tea' in my neck of the woods harks back to the English tradition e.g. just what we called it. 'Dinner' was reserved for 'going out to dinner', Christmas dinner etc. Dinner much more posh. Maybe just my neck of the woods. We are in different states I think, and if Ben is where I think he is, they can be a bit weird.  

Quoted from steven8 It made sense to me.  Small villages in England are the perfect setting for mysterious dark, supernatural underbelly-type stuff.  It worked just right.  What I'd like to see, in the 2nd movie, Is Geoff's widow, filled with bitter hatred following the death of her husband, taking over Flint's roll.  Possibly even weaponizing the Cockroach Man.

Much appreciated - and good idea for the second film! Wonder if it's almost a revenge film where he's set upon Lucy & Alan.

Ben, appreciate the read and great points! Definitely was in first draft mode when I was banging through this and probably uploaded too quickly but was keen to get it out into the world.

- Agree with Darren's dialogue. I added that scene in right at the end (initially it started with scenes from a documentary), will revisit his dialogue, think it needs a bit of an arty guy vibe. I actually think the 'err' thing is maybe too authentic as that's how most people IRL talk, with lots of errs and umms but doesn't make for good film talk.
- Yep, agree with the smile thing - will edit out. Unnecessary bit on my part.
- Think the train idea is a good one to explore in the next draft, open to it and it fits in with the coastal theme, a nice train ride down there.
- On the dictaphone and travel writing, this is expressed later on as Alan admits to being old-fashioned and has to explain what a dictaphone is. Not averse to setting this in the past though, or taking that bit out and having him use his phone.
- Agree the dialogue needs a tidy up, I think it's too long. Needs more show don't tell.
- Will look back at Flint/Alan's opening dialogue - I did want to introduce a point of everyone being overly interested in what he's doing there and it pissing him off, but I think I can do it with less.
- Lucy's dialogue - will have a look, but there is a reason why she's VERY keen to establish why she's there to anyone who'll listen. But hate on the nose dialogue, will tidy - needs to be more natural by sounds of it.

Again, appreciate the time and some really good points to address. Glad you liked it overall, though.

I do agree with the repetitiveness, and while I want it to seem weird that everyone is fixated on what he's doing I think it can be executed better. (Maybe a spoiler but for a lot of it they're trying to establish whether he might be an undercover cop or something, with this as a backstory).

Hallowe'en is fast approaching! So thought I'd do a cheeky plug on this if anyone fancies a light, spooky read - very happy to swap a review for a review, just let me know!