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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Weather Worn - OWC
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  Author    Weather Worn - OWC  (currently 745 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 8:52am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Weather Worn by 0 - Short, Drama - The consequences of relentless heat.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer, well done on entering this OWC.

The logline doesnít really tell me anything about the story so I was lost at first. I think Iíve worked it out though (spoilers) thereís a heatwave on and faced with killing his own horses, a guy steals a water tanker instead with fatal consequences.

Nicely written, I could clearly visualise the relentless heat, the characters and action. A little repetitive with certain words but this is difficult when thereís no dialogue, so I get it.

Thereís a couple of scenes where the lack of dialogue seems strange though, when he hijacks the tanker and when the police come to arrest him. It feels like these needed words to work and you left them out simply because the challenge said no dialogue.

But a decent effort, I enjoyed the read.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this one. I thought it was very well written and visual. I felt this guy's pain and I think this one will be remembered as one of the best.
Good job on meeting the challenge.
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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irish eyes
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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The Title and logline don't do the actual script justice.

I thought it was well written and. Roy had an obvious bond with his horses and the soaring heat and dried up land painted vivid picture.

I think you managed to portray a nice sentiment at the end.

Well done


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JEStaats
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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Good one, writer. Acts of desperation and what someone will do for what they love. You paint a vivid picture of the future conditions and easy to get the picture.  

Nicely done. Work on the logline, perhaps?
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stevie
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
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Yes! The SUPER shows us clearly what the future is like in this. Really liked this one and the love Roy has for his horses is shown to great effect.  Well written!

One thing? If water is so precious and vital to life in the near future, would people still have things like smart phones? Or even fridges?  Wouldn't society have broken down more especially when stealing water is virtually punished by death?  Just a couple of thoughts I have lol


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Anon
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the end. I think you could condense this one to three pages and with some work get just as much bang for your buck. Several pages of set up could be cut down.

I think you should work on a more distinct voice because you understand story enough to create something thought provoking and, in the end, emotional. But I was wavering and not really grabbed until I got to the the very nice ending.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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One thing so many peeps don't understand - when you have a character description, it has to be set off within commas at the start and end, before going into action.

OK, so this isn't the 1st time I've seen something like this in this challenge - it's deathly hot, water is scarce, but peeps have electricity (here, as shown by a refrigerator - why don't they have A/C also?

We have another writer doing everything possible not to use "is".  Many lines read poorly because of this.  There are better ways around this and one is just using "is" when you need to.

Here you have peeps talking but you're not showing the dialogue because this is a no dialogue script.  That's a problem...or a cheat, actually.

Overall, this is a good effort and you did fairly well giving Roy character, based on the relationship with the Black stallion.  Writing is "OK", but needs some help in certain areas already mentioned, as well as missing commas.

Not the most unique idea here, but effectively pulled together.  Good job.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Cam Gray
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer!! I guessed who you were last time you entered an OWC and Iím pretty certain I know you again! Shall tell you how once the challenge is over.

Anyway, pretty good script overall. There was one comma out of place, thatís about all I spotted. The writing style suits your story here, and I think that was deliberate so pretty clever.

A moment of critical thinking. I reckon you could have cut this down a bit. Now this might not sound like much, but the continual back and forward where we are getting told how hot it is, maybe lose a bit. A good cross comparison would be that 2.5 page long one of the lady stuck in the car (forgotten the name), which hammered home the heat but in far less of a space.

Anyway, thatís nit picking. I did like it, not my overall favourite thus far but still damn good writing and easily up there!

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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StevenClark
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 10:09pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

I'm being pretty liberal with my grading this time around and gave this pretty good marks. I liked the way it was written, and the story. Had a No Country for old Men vibe about your protagonist, and I liked the fact he only wanted to save his horses. Good work, writer!

Steve


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_ghostwriters
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 1:51am Report to Moderator
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Nice visceral style.  Nice action description.  Fast and flowing.  So far, one of my favorites...  to be honest, not much to add... I'd only be nit-picking...


Quoted Text
We have another writer doing everything possible not to use "is".  Many lines read poorly because of this.  There are better ways around this and one is just using "is" when you need to.


Jeff makes a valid point, which he often does...

Ghostie


A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

THE SLEEPING TIGER

THE TIME GUARDIAN

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

Revision History (1 edits)
_ghostwriters  -  August 7th, 2018, 2:59am
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realxwriter
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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As if he somehow he knew this was inevitable.

Loved this line.

I liked this tale. The ending was compelling but the second act wasn't. The heist was easy. I wish you have thrown some suspense in there too. Other than that, that was a solid piece of writing.
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ReneC
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad at all. It's a compelling, emotional story, which is a feat in itself. Good job.

It felt strange that with water so precious and the source being so heavily guarded that the water truck had zero protection. The driver wasn't armed, he acted like nobody has ever tried to steal water before, the truck wasn't very secure...nothing about it rang true for the setting.

You have blatant dialogue without actually writing it. That's a cheat, for those who are keeping score. Personally, I don't give a damn, you at least tried to stick with the parameters of the challenge and they inspired a pretty good tale. However, the suspense requirement is lacking.

This would make a cool animated piece, especially with the look and acting you require from the horses. Sure, I've seen horses give inevitable looks (that's almost all they do), but you want to show them suffering and PETA would be all up in your face if you tried to do it for real, or it would be expensive to do it in post.

And sure, he gave the horses a good drink of water, but they're still as good as dead. A fitting end to a bleak story.

Nicely done, I enjoyed it.


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DaveTroop
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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Great job, writer!

There are a few memorable characters in the contest - Roy is one of them.

Without uttering a word (technically) Roy goes from being a victim of a world without water to kind of a FU folk hero.  Roy is just about to do a humane act, given the circumstances, but does a 180, goes all Mad Max, and sacrifices everything for an alternate solution.  Although a temporary one.  I loved Roy's arc.

The writing was very good.  I liked the small blocks of action.  Very easy read.  
Parameters met.

Some nit picky things can be cleaned up.  Some issues with logic as mentioned above.

Overall, very well done.  Good luck.
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Zack
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 11:05pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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I've got really mixed feelings about this one. Sad story, but really solid. I felt for Roy and his horses.

Some of the action lines were a little awkwardly written, but I was able to follow along alright.

Nailed the heat. As for the no dialog, you have Roy speak to the truck driver in an action line. That's a fail in my book.

I suppose I liked this more than I disliked it. Really good effort.

Zack


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