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Opening Slug incorrect. Using a slash means it's both locations. I think need a dash here to show we're on Waikiki Beach, which is in Honolulu, Hawaii.
This looks like a very tough read, based on the length of each passage, and the opening passage is more than a mouthful - 4 lines of describing a guy drinking a cola.
The POV's are completely unnecessary.
Sorry, but 1 page is all I'm going to get through here. The writing is trying so damn hard, but what it's accomplishing is simply annoying me to no end. Way too detailed, too long winded, and just hard to follow what you're trying to show.
Wow, this is rough. This is way over-written with needless information. Why give them names? We'd never know, if filmed. I'm 2.5 pages into this and am determined to finish this....
The story is there and it's not a bad one, either. It just needs to have the fat trimmed so it can really shine. It's hard to read this without skimming and I probably missed something because of that.
Good story but needs a lot of work for it to work.
Some neat ideas. Try writing again with about 75% of the words. Anything that you can take out, do. Scene headings are confusing and could prompt a busy reader to set this down. A few other thoughts: 1] You can't film "Her chest tightens." 2] Just pulling an alarm doesn't immediately cause all the sprinklers to go off. 3] POVs not needed (at least not most) 4] Unlikely that anyone would ask people where they got the melons without a single word (even if they speak a different language) 5] While he's escaping over the balcony why would he take a photo of that? Keep going! This could turn out to be something.
This reads like a novel. Maybe you should be an author?
The over writing here is off the charts. Scripts should be bare minimum, what you to write to tell the story. Less is more. Instead I know every tattoo, beverage and article of clothing seen on camera but have no idea what is going on by pg 2. With only 6 pages to work with you REALLY dont have the time or space to get bogged down in stuff like this.
UNLESS for some reason the dragon tattoos and fizzy drinks and loungers somehow play a major role later in the story, then they'd be acceptable. But if they don't they need to be cut.
I have a suspicion who the author is given a previous OWC entry this reminds me of. I won't call them out, but it's funny how some styles stand out to you. I'll have to wait till this is over to see if I'm right.
I think an effective short 'short' needs a very simple idea. There's no reason in a story like this for there to be no dialogue, other than this is what the challenge required.
Good for you for getting it done, but a bit too convoluted a plot and too much story for six minutes, imh.
Judging by the style I think I know who this writer is, as they didn't want to take on board the advice re over writing it in the last OWC. Anyway, as you can tell by the above comments, it's happened again and it's a shame as you can clearly write.
As per last OWC (assuming I'm correct about the author), pay attention to the other scripts, especially the two exceptionally short ones which are killing it at the moment. Hit reset and come back swinging.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
I won't repeat what everyone has already said in detail, just that I agree. Make it leaner, cut down on the intercuts, give the characters names and this will read a lot better.
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Sorry to join the chorus, but no longline? That's a death sentence.
Is it Red Sun Burn or Red Sunburn?
A slug with a slash indicate more than one location. For once, Jeff's right about something.
Waaaay overwritten, just on the first paragraph. That's fine for a novel, but this is a screenplay. Hell, even Shakespeare introduced Hamlet in three words -- "King of Denmark." Nothing more, nothing less. Take a cue from The Bard.
I would use "Sun lounger" only once, if at all.
This is gonna be a chore to slog through, and this is jus the first page.
I'd cap the WAITER. Even then, coupled with overwriting, you're introducing too many characters at once. This isn't going to bode well.
Quoted Text
The waiter[,] on a mission, ignores him.
"On a mission"? What mission? Is he a secret agent or superhero? Or a detective?
The POV should be written as:
Quoted Text
JOHN'S POV - THE WAITER
Blah blah blah
And when the POV ends, you write:
Quoted Text
BACK TO SCENE
There's those words again, "sun loungers." It's getting a bit repetitive.
Quoted Text
STEFIANIA’S POV (over sunglasses) - "THE WHALE"
The man's tattooed sidekick, BARRACUDA, watches the Whale motion aggressively to the nervous waiter.
Trim, trim, trim.
Quoted Text
In a flash of violence[,] the Whale rolls over, rises[,] and flips the waiter’s tray[,] sending the drinks splashing to the sand.
Gesticulate means to use gestures in a dramatic way, like a (wannabe) Shakespearean actor. There's that Bard again.
John La Carré is a British novelist (Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, The Spy Who Came in from the Cold, A Delicate Truth).
I'm at the end of page one. I can't bear anymore. The story is boring, the writing is excessive. Nothing is happening. I get zero sense that this is a crime script. Rather, it would be a crime for me to continue.
The first appearance of the waiter should be capitalized. Okay. This is a good attempt at a thriller. However, there wasn't enough suspense in there to make it compelling. I loved the bit with Molly dropping the phone in the bucket. But you spent so much time establishing the characters and their positions. A time you could have spent adding more thrilling scenes. It's like there was too much bread in this sandwich.