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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  MQ-LC4 - OWC
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  Author    MQ-LC4 - OWC  (currently 556 views)
MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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Sci-Fi - I'm in my element!

I love the graphics on the title page. I am very surprised no-one took offence. In previous OWC's folks have had fits when anyone has tried to get creative with the title page.

The telemetry is not needed here at all. First off, it seems like it is cheating a bit in a no dialogue script but it's not required. We've all seen so many dystopian tales with killer robots we can figure out what is going on without the unnecessary explanation.

I'm not a fan of the writing in parts. There's too many figure spins around, figure takes off, figure picks up boot slowly, figure races, or multiple sentences that start off with the same name in a row. This jarred me out of the story at times.

As for the story, it's one I have seen many times. I see from other comments folks would like to see a feature of this but really, the killer robots have been done over and over. I see the Black Mirror epsiode Metal head was mentioned. That is one example. Also, there was actually a Black Mirror episode featuring killer bee drones that was very original and different from the norm.

Replace killer mosquito drones with zombies and you've got this type of scenario repeated many times in programs like Walking Dead.

Don't get me wrong, this is a very good effort and well executed for the most part. Any issues with the writing can be easily sorted in another draft. But if you want to make this stand out and take it to the next level, I would suggest have it follow a less familiar and predictable path.

-Mark  


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Kyle
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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It's easy to see there's a talented writer behind this with a good imagination.

Can't say I overly enjoyed the story but that's purely down to personal taste and the genre it's set in. I can see it worked well as a whole and abided by the challenge so it's a solid effort in my books.

A few things that bothered me a little while reading:

I had a hard time picturing some of the action sequences that occurred on page 2 in the pasture - 'A wall of metal screen held up by rope and farm tools.', for example. Maybe adding a little more detail like the scale of this would help make it clearer.

'Figure takes off in a mad dash for a farmhouse. Stops connecting extension cords along way.' I couldn't get my head around the extension cord bit? When did she start connecting them? Might just be missing something.

And at the end, wouldn't Pilar explode like the crow at the beginning? If one needle in its back caused blood and feathers to coat the screen, wouldn't a hundred do a similar thing to her?

Anyway, good effort. Can see this doing well.
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stevie
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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Another futuristic one that at least has the weather impacting! Woohoo!  Although itís sci fi-fantasy with the global warming, its set up nicely.

I think the author has been heavily influenced by a Michael Crichton novel Prey? That involved killer nano bots. Anyway itís pretty cool idea with the metal mossies.  I was taken out of it a little with the odd names of the sisters? And their homemade suits seemed comical but effective I guess.

I liked this one simply because it adheres realistically to the requirements so it will be up there along with maybe 3 others that did the same. Thatís my choice in voting and Iím sticking to it!! WOOHOO!!!


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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Decent effort.

Big, bold, futuristic etc I for one love the front page stuff. Usually reminds me of a certain writer..

A few sci fi films come to mind on this bleak, human defiance against an evil future etc

For a short the start is heavy, but I get why you had to do it. In a way this shouts out being a feature rather than a short, or even longer short.

Bottom line, th earth is plagued by bad mosseys- thatís ok, thatís alright, concept wise. Thatís could work. Reminds me of the swarm.

I also applaud the ending - life is shit and it doesnít get better . End of.

Well done.



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realxwriter
Posted: August 10th, 2018, 4:52am Report to Moderator
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The opening is grossly fascinating! Well done. I'm not sure about the superimposed text though. Maybe we could have done without. We'll see.

I'm not sure about the dancing when they find the food. They are kids but trying times can make anyone mature at an unexpected pace.

Small and alone, yes. Mighty? I don't know. I genuinely think she is fucked. She won't survive the evening. But who knows.

Ok, I thought the premise was very creative. I could see this turning into a feature film. Killer robotic mosquitoes sound like an amazing villain. Maybe not robotic. Since I find it hard to believe that the army couldn't defeat them while a teen did that much damage to them with a blow torch.

What I liked most about your tale is how realistic was the characters' interaction with their world. It felt like an authentic piece of life from that world. Yes, it was a sad ending but it made sense. The odds are insurmountable. If I'm to suggest any improvements for the second drafts I'd say stretch the suspenseful moments out more. That's the heart of this sci-fi horror. So play to your strengths. Makes stay on the edge of our seats longer. Also, mollify the grim ending. Show us hope for the little kid. Maybe a hint that another group will find her. Or she will find them. Or someone gets to her at the last moment before the killer drones get her. Because like I said, the way I see it now, that girl is fucked.

Well done. Thanks for participating.
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LC
Posted: August 10th, 2018, 5:00am Report to Moderator
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Kyle is right. Pilar should technically explode, just like the crow.

Thanks though, Writer - for sparing us (and her sister) from that graphic image.  


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SteveUK
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 5:19am Report to Moderator
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This was well written and very ambitious. There were a few errors and missing words here and there that made some lines read awkward, but thatís easily fixable.

This is a great concept and could definitely be expanded and improved upon when taken out of the OWC restrictions.

One thing that did irk me was the log line - you have such a well written script and fantastic concept, but you donít sell it at all!

That aside, I really enjoyed this Ė definitely one of the better entries. Great work!
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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 5:56am Report to Moderator
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Ambitious sci-fi? I'm in. Don't know what the title means, but it sounds cool, looks cool. I'm game.

The logline reads more like a tagline, which is what you'd see on a theatrical poster. ("The night HE came home"; "Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water"; "In space, no one can hear you scream"; etc.) A logline, conversely, should briefly describe the plot.

I love the logo graphic thingy. Normally, this is a no-no, but a lot of great artists break the rules.

telemetry - noun - the process of recording and transmitting the readings of an instrument.

I already know who wrote this -- James Cameron. Come on, Jim, don't lie.

"Roadkill" can be one word. But then again, I'm arguing with the guy who created The Terminator.

proboscis - noun - the nose of a mammal, especially when it is long and mobile, such as the trunk of an elephant or the snout of a tapir.


Quoted Text
Ta-da-tap-tap. Ta-da-tap-tap.


The Terminator Theme?

I'm getting Katniss and Primrose vibes already.

"Heartbeat" is one word, Mr. Cameron.


Quoted Text
Thump-thump! Thump-thump!


Sounds like this heart will go on.

I love the parallel shots of them racing to each other's empty bedrooms. Oh shit.

Could she be alive? Will her heart go on?

*standing ovation*

Mr. Cameron, you've done it again. I've been a fan since T2. This is another masterpiece from the man who brought you The Terminator and Aliens.


FADE IN:
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ReneC
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Very ambitious indeed, but really well done. You've set up a convincing world with a plausible premise. It's not just a good read, it's something I'd really like to see, if there were more of a story.

The characters are a little shallow. We see them in pure survival mode, so there isn't much more to them than that except their love for each other, but that doesn't amount to much. The older sacrifices herself for the younger, as expected, and that's it. Obviously you couldn't give this an epic story in so few pages, but from this we're told it's all doomed to keep on going like this until they're all dead. There's no hope, there's only survival, and they can't hope to survive. And if that's the case, I would have liked to have seen it in the characters, something of that reality affecting them. Prynne barely reacts to Pilar's death, which might have been you attempting to show just that, but it doesn't, it only shows a lack of character. That moment should have been much bigger.

The no dialogue worked great for the first half of it, but once the girls were alone and especially when they were already on the run from the bots, it was sorely missing.

Great premise, great writing, a great all around effort, but ultimately too ambitious. I did enjoy it though, and it would work well outside of the OWC.


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