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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Discussion of...    Getting to know you, getting to know all about you...  ›  Two short films for you Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    Two short films for you  (currently 313 views)
Jorge
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 11:11am Report to Moderator
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Hello guys, I'm a filmmaker new to this site. I have written most of my work, but I'm very aware of my shortcomings as a writer, my strong side is directing really. I would like to share a couple of my films with you and any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this.






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Jorge  -  July 22nd, 2020, 1:52pm
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Yuvraj
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Jorge.

Welcome to SS.


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Jorge
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Yuvraj, thank you!


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khamanna
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Jorge. Welcome.

And I watched your Martha.

Overall the movie works. And your Luke is a really good actor - so congrats on that find.

I think maybe you could get into this late - all these hi's and him in the car looking at girls in lingerie - I didn't care for that. But this might be my personal choice.

The main thing is the way she told him about Martha. All at once. And then left. I think she could do it gradually through conversation.

Also maybe try to mislead us a bit. Maybe the place where they have dinner should be a normal room. Otherwise we've been telegraphed what's about to happen the moment she brought him into this basement or whatever this was.

I don't know if you were expecting this much critique here. Feel free to ask the mods to delete if something.
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Yuvraj
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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Just saw MARTHA. Quite interesting. Although, I will say it was predictable. The title gave away to me. It was a horror film for me, considering all those horror tropes present(dim lights, awkward silence, and especially that dinner table. Where were they sitting BTW? It felt so secluded. For any person it would be enough as a red flag. At least for me.) And then, she left him there. Alone. Damn, I would fly away.

Anyways, I know it takes a lot of sweat to shoot a film. Cheer for your dedication and efforts.

Good luck.    


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Jorge
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you khamanna! That's a great review, I would really be interested in your comments about Urbania or Chocolates.

Yuvraj, thank you for your comments, I know this quite a setting, but even with those red flags, you wouldn't believe how many people would not read them and just keep at it because they might "get lucky".


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eldave1
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Welcome, Jorge.

I watched Urbania.  Just my opinion.

The production value and the acting were top-notch - really good.

The dialogue and the premise were weak.  The anger directed by the water king towards Benito made no sense.  The dude wasn't responsible for the polar bears dying, water being contaminated and global warning. When you create anger towards someone without a basis, it does not ring genuine.

You also lose all of your empathy for the cause. Why would we give a hoot about what polar bears dying when your protag doesn't care about a human dying??? This makes his entire preachy speech ring hollow.

There is also the logic issue - how is it that this person and the person Benito robbed have water?

I know your intent was admirable - but to me the message misses the mark.





My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Yuvraj
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Jorge
Yuvraj, thank you for your comments, I know this quite a setting, but even with those red flags, you wouldn't believe how many people would not read them and just keep at it because they might "get lucky".


That's very optimistic of you.  


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Yuvraj
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna
I don't know if you were expecting this much critique here. Feel free to ask the mods to delete if something.


You can request for deletion there?  


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Jorge
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you eldave1, well, the idea here is that Betito is completely innocent about what the human kind has done and he's now paying for what has been done. Ortega is just angry about what has happened and is punishing everyone for what has happened with the world, Betito is just the byproduct of an unfortunate majority.

Thank you for your review!


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khamanna
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Yuvraj


You can request for deletion there?  


If you find a review offensive or not constructive enough you may.

In this case the mods would refuse that, I'm sure, if not my written permission there. Why not if I'm allowing it. I could delete it myself, too, if asked nicely.
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Yuvraj
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna


If you find a review offensive or not constructive enough you may.

In this case the mods would refuse that, I'm sure, if not my written permission there. Why not if I'm allowing it. I could delete it myself, too, if asked nicely.


Gotcha! Thx Kham.

That dinner table place bothered me too.


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eldave1
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Jorge
Thank you eldave1, well, the idea here is that Betito is completely innocent about what the human kind has done and he's now paying for what has been done. Ortega is just angry about what has happened and is punishing everyone for what has happened with the world, Betito is just the byproduct of an unfortunate majority.

Thank you for your review!

My pleasure


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna
If you find a review offensive or not constructive enough you may.
In this case the mods would refuse that, I'm sure, if not my written permission there. Why not if I'm allowing it. I could delete it myself, too, if asked nicely.

Just got up so I might be missing something crucial here... maybe an offensive post?
Anyway, anyone can PM a Mod or use the 'report' button on an offending comment if there's a problem.

Welcome Jorge, a couple of links for you:

Newbs Guide to SS:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1124159895/

Screenwriting class:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/

A lot of people are unaware of that little report button. Now I think of it, it should be featured in the Newb's guide which I'll do shortly.


Short Fuse OWC Writer's Choice
Scooter
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khamanna
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

Just got up so I might be missing something crucial here... maybe an offensive post?
Anyway, anyone can PM a Mod or use the 'report' button on an offending comment if there's a problem.


Lol, Libby, there's nothing of the sort. I just didn't know what sort of feedback Jorge might be looking for since it's done movies. I wouldn't mind writing everything I wrote for the script. And that's why I said that he might ask someone to remove what I said if something. Turns out he likes the feedback, so all are good. Lol.
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