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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  "Yellow Fever" - Logline Review Request Moderators: LC
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  Author    "Yellow Fever" - Logline Review Request  (currently 702 views)
RShwab
Posted: May 28th, 2020, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
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Revised Logline:  Enraptured by a pretty woman in a Chinese mountain paradise, an American business tourist sponsors her marriage visa but then faces a quandary when he returns to the US and she arrives at his home.  

Title is still under consideration.

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RShwab  -  September 27th, 2020, 11:59am
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LC
Posted: June 13th, 2020, 1:17am Report to Moderator
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Bit confusing to be honest. Is the assertive girlfriend the same woman who arrives on his doorstep?

Might be a better adjective than 'assertive' too - like demanding, or high maintenance.
And it sounds like the American tourist acts impulsively by proposing marriage while he's overseas, is that right?



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RShwab
Posted: June 13th, 2020, 9:17am Report to Moderator
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Yes, he, the tourist, proposes marriage while he is in China.  That makes the woman the foreign fiancee.  The girlfriend is back home.  I was trying to be economical.  Thanks for your comments.

The story is a modernist take-off from "Madama Butterfly".
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ajr
Posted: June 13th, 2020, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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If I'm off base, I will delete this comment... I would not call it Yellow Fever. "Yellow" from what I know is a derogatory term for Asian persons.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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RShwab
Posted: June 13th, 2020, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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I am glad you noticed.  I put it in quotes, for the time being.  It comes from the Navy Vet  sidekick character as a possible explanation for the protagonists condition.  In Chinese, Huang Bing.  Could go with something like  "Asian Fever".
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eldave1
Posted: June 13th, 2020, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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Maybe:

After a vacationing tourist impulsively proposes marriage to a local, l small-town Chinese woman, he must face the consequences when his long-time American girlfriend surprises him with a visit.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

https://dlambertson.wixsite.com/scripts
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Heretic
Posted: June 18th, 2020, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
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Strong recommend against the title. I wouldn't use "Asian Fever" either. Spike Lee can do it. We cannot.

I think you should build on Dave's recommendation. The "After (x) happens, the protagonist must (y)" structure is always nice and clear because it matches the way the story will progress.
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RShwab
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback.   I was just about to give in to contemporary sensitivities when I ran across the novel by author Toni Morrison, "Tar Baby",  So, that gave me pause.
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