SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is July 14th, 2025, 4:58pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
The primary purpose of the SimplyScripts Discussion Board is the discussion of unproduced screenplays. If you are a producer or director lookng for your next project, the works here are available for option, purchase or production only if you receive permission from the author.

NOTE: these screenplays are NOT in the public domain and MAY NOT be used or reproduced for any purpose (including eductional purposes) without the expressed written permission of the author.

New to SimplyScripts? - Tell us about yourself! | How does this discussion board work? - FAQs! | Submit Your Script
The July 2025 One Week Challenge Theme is up!


Submit to SimplyScripts.com/OWC

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
Short Script of the Day | Featured Shorts Available for Production | Guidelines and Censorship | Produced Script Database | Oscar Winning Screenplays through the Ages | WGA Top 101 Screenplays

Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›   The Butterfly Effect  Logline Review Moderators: LC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Butterfly Effect  Logline Review  (currently 659 views)
RShwab
Posted: January 10th, 2021, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
16
Posts Per Day
0.01
Genre: ROM-COM

A retired dancer facing mounting hardship in a provincial Chinese town believes a marriage offer from an American tourist is a dream come true, but finds and makes worse trouble when she arrives at his home.

Logged Offline
Private Message
LC
Posted: January 10th, 2021, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
8687
Posts Per Day
1.42
I feel like I've read a version of this logline before...?

The main thing I would say is related to this bit:

...but finds and makes worse trouble when she arrives at his home.

Reads not as compelling as I think it could be.

Are the consequences of her arrival deadly, disastrous, comical? Does she turn his life upside down, resulting in...?

What's the genre? Ah, okay, RomCom. Forget that question.

Regardless, the stakes need to be raised (as a teaser) in that last bit of the logline.

Also, the title.
I realise titles are reused a lot, but that's a really well known title with sequels attached sequels. I'd personally think about changing it.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 8
RShwab
Posted: January 10th, 2021, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
16
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thanks for the helpful reply.  Yes, this is a revised story/logline with focus on the female Chinese protagonist.

I get your point on the title.  It might still work.  The Third Wheel is another possible title from a piece of dialogue.

Maybe:  For a retired dancer facing mounting hardship in a provincial Chinese town, a marriage offer from an American tourist is a dream come true until her arrival at his home stirs a heartache  of trouble.

Revision History (1 edits)
RShwab  -  January 10th, 2021, 9:31pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 8
LC
Posted: January 10th, 2021, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
8687
Posts Per Day
1.42
Ha! I kinda liked your stir-fry pun.   Could work in well with a RomCom in that setting.

Is the fact she's a retired dancer pertinent to plot? It needs to be or else I'd ditch that.

I'll let others weigh in now...

I will just make one last point and that is to put the script up for feedback, (or some of it) if it's a work in progress.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-workinprogress/

It's far easier to give feedback on a logline when some of the script can be read.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 8
RShwab
Posted: January 11th, 2021, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
16
Posts Per Day
0.01
I almost used "stir-fry'. Thanks.

It is important that she is attractive (a dancer) but older and without options.  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 8
eldave1
Posted: January 13th, 2021, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6974
Posts Per Day
1.74

Quoted Text
For a retired dancer facing mounting hardship in a provincial Chinese town, a marriage offer from an American tourist is a dream come true until her arrival at his home stirs a heartache  of trouble.


This one is definitely better... minor suggestions.

To escape financial hardship, an alluring but aging dancer in a provincial Chinese town accepts a marriage proposal from an American tourist only to discover that heartache is a far worser fate.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

https://dlambertson.wixsite.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 8
rolo
Posted: January 16th, 2021, 8:06am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
135
Posts Per Day
0.02
Not to be a smart ass, D. But "worser" isn't grammatically correct (at least in my neck of the woods). Should be "heartache is a far worse fate."
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 8
eldave1
Posted: January 16th, 2021, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6974
Posts Per Day
1.74

Quoted from rolo
Not to be a smart ass, D. But "worser" isn't grammatically correct (at least in my neck of the woods). Should be "heartache is a far worse fate."


good catch. Sometimes I don't write so good


My Scripts can all be seen here:

https://dlambertson.wixsite.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 8
RShwab
Posted: January 30th, 2021, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
16
Posts Per Day
0.01
Let's keep the "alluring and aging dancer" phrase.   Thanks.

My collaborator has some screen credits and we are rewriting the 120 page script.  

I will post a full treatment in a couple months.  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 8
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Review My Logline  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on
Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006