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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›   The Butterfly Effect  Logline Review Moderators: LC
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  Author    The Butterfly Effect  Logline Review  (currently 99 views)
RShwab
Posted: January 10th, 2021, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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Genre: ROM-COM

A retired dancer facing mounting hardship in a provincial Chinese town believes a marriage offer from an American tourist is a dream come true, but finds and makes worse trouble when she arrives at his home.

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LC
Posted: January 10th, 2021, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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I feel like I've read a version of this logline before...?

The main thing I would say is related to this bit:

...but finds and makes worse trouble when she arrives at his home.

Reads not as compelling as I think it could be.

Are the consequences of her arrival deadly, disastrous, comical? Does she turn his life upside down, resulting in...?

What's the genre? Ah, okay, RomCom. Forget that question.

Regardless, the stakes need to be raised (as a teaser) in that last bit of the logline.

Also, the title.
I realise titles are reused a lot, but that's a really well known title with sequels attached sequels. I'd personally think about changing it.


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RShwab
Posted: January 10th, 2021, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the helpful reply.  Yes, this is a revised story/logline with focus on the female Chinese protagonist.

I get your point on the title.  It might still work.  The Third Wheel is another possible title from a piece of dialogue.

Maybe:  For a retired dancer facing mounting hardship in a provincial Chinese town, a marriage offer from an American tourist is a dream come true until her arrival at his home stirs a heartache  of trouble.

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RShwab  -  January 10th, 2021, 9:31pm
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LC
Posted: January 10th, 2021, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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Ha! I kinda liked your stir-fry pun.   Could work in well with a RomCom in that setting.

Is the fact she's a retired dancer pertinent to plot? It needs to be or else I'd ditch that.

I'll let others weigh in now...

I will just make one last point and that is to put the script up for feedback, (or some of it) if it's a work in progress.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-workinprogress/

It's far easier to give feedback on a logline when some of the script can be read.


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RShwab
Posted: January 11th, 2021, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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I almost used "stir-fry'. Thanks.

It is important that she is attractive (a dancer) but older and without options.  
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eldave1
Posted: January 13th, 2021, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
For a retired dancer facing mounting hardship in a provincial Chinese town, a marriage offer from an American tourist is a dream come true until her arrival at his home stirs a heartache  of trouble.


This one is definitely better... minor suggestions.

To escape financial hardship, an alluring but aging dancer in a provincial Chinese town accepts a marriage proposal from an American tourist only to discover that heartache is a far worser fate.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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rolo
Posted: Yesterday, 8:06am Report to Moderator
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Not to be a smart ass, D. But "worser" isn't grammatically correct (at least in my neck of the woods). Should be "heartache is a far worse fate."
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eldave1
Posted: Yesterday, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rolo
Not to be a smart ass, D. But "worser" isn't grammatically correct (at least in my neck of the woods). Should be "heartache is a far worse fate."


good catch. Sometimes I don't write so good


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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