Quoted from Zack Hey, Matthew. Any update on this script? I'm looking forward to checking it out.

Hi Zack

Sorry, I didn't see this message.

2022 has been a struggle to write. Me and the kids are constantly falling ill and my partner had to do 2 months of Jury service which meant I was being Daddy daycare and working from home at the same time... never been so exhausted in my life lol

Hopefully I can get back to writing this soon, you will be the first one I send it to  

Quoted from MartyA Matthew, why are they on the train? What do they want? What happens, if they dont get, what they want? Who is stopping them, from getting what they want?

Hi Marty

Thanks for the questions.

The Engineer is there because he is the engineer, the journalist is there to cover the historic event.

They want to survive

Hell is stopping them, sending demons and messing with their minds.

I am thinking of making the journalist the protagonist and the Engineer more of a supporting role, so my logline can focus more on the Journalist I think

My two cents, without having read any of the other responses yet:

"Onboard the maiden voyage of the Gravity Train, its grieving Engineer and a yearning Journalist must battle external and internal demons if they are to survive a journey through Hell."

A log line should get your reader asking questions, but this found me asking the wrong ones. A log line, basically, is your concept. It's okay to leave certain specifics out and save them for the script itself. For example, the term "Gravity Train." Reading the log line, my first thought was "The hell's a 'Gravity Train'? Did he just misspell 'gravy train'?" What's the journalist yearning for, and what does that have to do with anything? Wait, how do they get to hell? He didn't say what kind of ship it was." And on and on.

I'd drop "Gravity Train" because nobody is going to know what that is. Just calling it an "experimental vessel" tells us more about the vessel than just giving it a name and not saying what kind of vessel it is.

How many characters are in the vessel? Is it just the two, or are there more? You could expedite the individual characters and their descriptive adjectives -- which, again, are specifics you can save for the script -- by simply referring to them as "the crew."

Yeah, "external and internal demons" is a bit clunky.  

So let's brass tacks this. The idea is that this craft that's supposed to take them through the center of the earth actually leads them into hell, and they have to fight for their souls, right? If so, take that very simple explanation, add in "the crew" and "experimental vessel," and you've got:

The crew of an experimental craft must battle for their souls when their maiden voyage to the center of the earth leads them instead into the pits of hell.

Or words to that effect. Just remember that simplicity is your friend!

Hope this helps.

Hi Lon

Very sorry, I didn't see this when it was originally posted. (I;ve just come back to the thread for the next rewrite of the logline)

Thank you very much for your input, helpful as always.

An inaugural train to the center of the earth leads a troubled journalist and engineer, into the pits of hell, where they must face their demons.