Good day to you all

I am on the 1,008th rewrite of a Sci-fi/Horror/Thriller called 42.2
I originally started writing it for the 7-week feature challenge waaaaaay back at the start of 2020.... got a bit side-tracked after that.

I am hoping beyond hope that I finally finish it and get my first feature script out there this year.

Anyways, realised I don't have a logline, so I rustled one up... not happy with it. Suggestions?

"Onboard the maiden voyage of the Gravity Train, its grieving Engineer and a yearning Journalist must battle external and internal demons if they are to survive a journey through Hell."

Don't like the "External and Internal demons" part, but not sure how to reword it.

Muchas gracias mis amigos

What is a Gravity train? What is the journalist yearning for? Yearning and grieving don’t sound too punchy at all, and a battle of personal demons is pretty vague. A journey through hell? Is this the literal, Biblical hell or something else?

A Gravity Train is a theoretical (well, not theoretical in the movie) mode of transportation that travels through the centre of the Earth using the force of gravity as its propulsion. Too much to explain in a logline, although I should have written "a Gravity Train" instead of "the Gravity Train"

She yearns for children but can't have them, I thought about putting childless or infertile but thought that was a bit weird.

They literally go through biblical hell, hence the "external demons" but they are also put through hell.

This is what I have so far, but it's not quite right:

As she plunges through the center of the Earth on the maiden voyage of the Gravity Train, a grieving engineer must come to terms with her own demons if she's going to survive the demons outside as her train passes through Hell.

Thank you very much, Nomad  

I like it, just gonna tweak it a bit...

I've rephrased a couple of the elements
"Come to terms with"  into "Overcome"
"Her own" into "personal"
"Centre of the Earth" into "Earth's core"

having demons twice feels like repetition, even though it is accurate. But it's hard to find a synonym that would fit lol

I love the word plunge.

I guess the fact it's the maiden voyage isn't important to the logline, I could save some space there.

"As a Gravity Train plunges through Earth's core, a grief-stricken engineer and an agonized journalist must overcome personal demons in order to survive the evil now onboard as their train passes directly through Hell"

What do we think?
Reads a bit weird I think, and I used "train" twice.

"As a Gravity Train plunges through Earths core, a grief-stricken engineer and an agonized journalist discover Hell really exists, and struggle against their own demons, as well as those now onboard"

An alternate version, gonna have to stop for a bit as it's making my brain hurt.

Thanks for the help  

Quoted from Matthew Taylor "As a Gravity Train plunges through Earth's core on its maiden voyage, a grief-stricken engineer and a tormented journalist must overcome personal demons in order to survive the evil that has crept onboard as they pass directly through Hell"

Final answer.

Until my next answer that is...

I think the maiden voyage is important because otherwise why hasn't this happened before?

I picture the train being tested with some chimpanzees or other primates where they seem normal after the test but eventually go mad and kill each other or disfigure themselves in some horrific way. Kind of like Event Horizon.

The company tries to hide this but the journalist uncovered it and wants to discover the cause on their own...

Something like that.

Good luck!

-Jordan

Quoted from Nomad Final answer. Until my next answer that is... I think the maiden voyage is important because otherwise why hasn't this happened before? I picture the train being tested with some chimpanzees or other primates where they seem normal after the test but eventually go mad and kill each other or disfigure themselves in some horrific way. Kind of like Event Horizon. The company tries to hide this but the journalist uncovered it and wants to discover the cause on their own... Something like that. Good luck! -Jordan

Great suggestions! Thank you very much!!

Yes, it being the maiden voyage is important to the story, so I guess it’s important to the logline as well

The opening of the movie does show the end of the test run, during which the lone test passenger has been possessed and self mutilated. But the big bosses have too much money to lose, put it down to him just being crazy, and send passengers down anyway, which is the journey the movie follows. Can’t wait to bloody finish the thing lol

Thanks for your help

Quoted from Matthew Taylor The opening of the movie does show the end of the test run, during which the lone test passenger has been possessed and self mutilated. But the big bosses have too much money to lose, put it down to him just being crazy, and send passengers down anyway, which is the journey the movie follows. Can’t wait to bloody finish the thing lol

Sounds awesome! If you need a fresh set of eyes on your script, send me a PM.

I do like this -

Quoted Text As a Gravity Train plunges through Earth's core on its maiden voyage, a grief-stricken engineer and a tormented journalist must overcome personal demons in order to survive the evil that has crept onboard as they pass directly through Hell"

Except for we don't know the gender of the protag (s) since you now have two and your pronoun is they rather than he or she.

As a Gravity Train plunges through Earth's core on its maiden voyage, a grief-stricken engineer and a tormented journalist must overcome personal demons in order to survive the evil that has crept onboard.

You could actually leave it like this. Same as above just minus the hell part. Kinda leaves it a touch more ambiguous.

Quoted from Zack Sounds awesome! If you need a fresh set of eyes on your script, send me a PM.

Thanks, mate. I will take you up on that once I've done this latest rewrite (I've chopped and changed so much the story doesn;t make sense at the moment lol)

Quoted from eldave1 I do like this - Except for we don't know the gender of the protag (s) since you now have two and your pronoun is they rather than he or she.

Quoted from SAC As a Gravity Train plunges through Earth's core on its maiden voyage, a grief-stricken engineer and a tormented journalist must overcome personal demons in order to survive the evil that has crept onboard. You could actually leave it like this. Same as above just minus the hell part. Kinda leaves it a touch more ambiguous.

Thank you both!

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Thank you both!

No prob - good luck

Hey, Matthew. Any update on this script? I'm looking forward to checking it out.

Matthew,

why are they on the train?

What do they want?

What happens, if they dont get, what they want?

Who is stopping them, from getting what they want?

Quoted from Zack Hey, Matthew. Any update on this script? I'm looking forward to checking it out.

Hi Zack

Sorry, I didn't see this message.

2022 has been a struggle to write. Me and the kids are constantly falling ill and my partner had to do 2 months of Jury service which meant I was being Daddy daycare and working from home at the same time... never been so exhausted in my life lol

Hopefully I can get back to writing this soon, you will be the first one I send it to  

Quoted from MartyA Matthew, why are they on the train? What do they want? What happens, if they dont get, what they want? Who is stopping them, from getting what they want?

Hi Marty

Thanks for the questions.

The Engineer is there because he is the engineer, the journalist is there to cover the historic event.

They want to survive

Hell is stopping them, sending demons and messing with their minds.

I am thinking of making the journalist the protagonist and the Engineer more of a supporting role, so my logline can focus more on the Journalist I think

My two cents, without having read any of the other responses yet:

"Onboard the maiden voyage of the Gravity Train, its grieving Engineer and a yearning Journalist must battle external and internal demons if they are to survive a journey through Hell."

A log line should get your reader asking questions, but this found me asking the wrong ones. A log line, basically, is your concept. It's okay to leave certain specifics out and save them for the script itself. For example, the term "Gravity Train." Reading the log line, my first thought was "The hell's a 'Gravity Train'? Did he just misspell 'gravy train'?" What's the journalist yearning for, and what does that have to do with anything? Wait, how do they get to hell? He didn't say what kind of ship it was." And on and on.

I'd drop "Gravity Train" because nobody is going to know what that is. Just calling it an "experimental vessel" tells us more about the vessel than just giving it a name and not saying what kind of vessel it is.

How many characters are in the vessel? Is it just the two, or are there more? You could expedite the individual characters and their descriptive adjectives -- which, again, are specifics you can save for the script -- by simply referring to them as "the crew."

Yeah, "external and internal demons" is a bit clunky.  

So let's brass tacks this. The idea is that this craft that's supposed to take them through the center of the earth actually leads them into hell, and they have to fight for their souls, right? If so, take that very simple explanation, add in "the crew" and "experimental vessel," and you've got:

The crew of an experimental craft must battle for their souls when their maiden voyage to the center of the earth leads them instead into the pits of hell.

Or words to that effect. Just remember that simplicity is your friend!

Hope this helps.

Hi Lon

Very sorry, I didn't see this when it was originally posted. (I;ve just come back to the thread for the next rewrite of the logline)

Thank you very much for your input, helpful as always.

An inaugural train to the center of the earth leads a troubled journalist and engineer, into the pits of hell, where they must face their demons.