All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Give more about the story in a logline I'd say. This one is way too obscure. "God's hand went missing" - metaphorically? "undisclosed ardor" - like passion? for what? and tell us why his passion is important perhaps
I read through this and still have very little idea what your story is about.
I take it you mean Godless Country or a Godless Town, meaning it's a corrupt and lawless town, ruled by an unscrupulous Sheriff. How does the Sheriff then have grace? That stumps me.
The 'middle-aged martred man' is not the Sheriff, right? So, protag - Man, Antag - Sheriff? Still don't understand the Logline though. Married man (previously sexually repressed?) is finally going to follow his heart and pursue an illicit affair, and that affair will lead to him questioning his own ethics, and the stakes are that he risks losing everyone he loves?
What era is this set in? Is it a Western? Is it a homosexual affair?
I'm getting Brokeback Mountain vibes meets Footloose, but that might be my imagination going into overdrive. You need to simplify your ideas. Tell us what your story is about clearly.
You're absolutely right, I'll try to put more of the actual story in it, Thank You all!
No, no -- you need to take more story out of it. Save the story for the script. Your logline just needs to sell the general idea. Give us the brass tacks. Think of it in terms of: When (A) happens, (B) must (C) or (D) will (E) wherein:
A = inciting incident B = protagonist C = goal D = conflict E = stakes
You wrote:
"In a wild country town where God's hand went missing, despite the grace of a corrupted and hypocritical sheriff, things turn to be pretty tricky for a middle aged married man who struggles after his secret lover, the chance to change his submissive life in order to fulfill his undisclosed ardors, but he’ll soon lose his way within a twine of philosophy and ethics that will take him to lose everything and everyone as well as reason."
Picking through it for brass tacks, what I think I'm seeing is you've got a middle-aged guy looking for some excitement in his boring life (mid-life crisis, maybe?) who gets somehow involved in a situation involving this "God's hand," and it could end up costing him his life and/or sanity?
Stop over-thinking it. Strip it down to the bare essentials. And keep it to 25-30 words (35 at the most). Look at it like a writing exercise; if you can't explain the gist of your story in 35 words, chances are your script is drastically over-written, too.
Squeaky_Meow, (love that username btw) if you're reading this, come back!
Plenty of writers on these very boards of NESB have had their work sold, published, produced, got repped etc. Not to mention formed lasting friendships, and got their writing in shape because of the community and the feedback offered here.
My suggestion is try writing a few Shorts first (and get feedback) before you tackle the feature in your non-native language.
Don't be put off. You're on your way to being bilingual and biliterate. I only speak and write Australian.