Would love some feedback.

Detourmined- : A former college athlete recovering from opioid addiction must lead her nephew and niece out of the bear infested wilderness after an earthquake kills their parents and eliminates their only access home.

First of all, welcome!  It’s a “Like” from me on this. I was initially a little confused about the spelling of the title, but your logline explains the premise well. If you’re lucky our resident logline guru (El Dave) will come along and give you his thoughts. He’s hands down the best on these. Thanks for posting and please consider sharing your script when it’s finished.

Kathy

Thank you Kathy and I look forward to El Dave or anyone else's feedback!

I really like that this is a female protag/hero. I really love the concept and think it would be marketable. It would be nice if the kids could save her during her withdrawals and then she saves them all. Good stuff here. You should write it if you aren't already!

Ha! love the title.

Looks pretty good to me and sounds like a great premise for a movie, lots of conflict potential.
You could just try rearranging it a bit, see if something else flows better. Here's my quick attempt at coming at it from a different angle.

"When an Earthquake leaves a young brother and sister orphaned and stranded in bear infested wilderness, their hopes rest on their recovering addict aunt to lead them to safety."

I did miss out the former athlete part though, so if that is a vital part of her character/story then I have done the below:

"When an Earthquake leaves a young brother and sister orphaned and stranded in bear infested wilderness, their recovering addict aunt must reconnect with her athletic past in order to lead them to safety."

Not saying they are good, just that you could approach it different ways.

Thank you Pale Yellow and yes finalizing a few beats then off to write for my summer project Matthew thank you for the feedback!

I'm not a fan of the title.

I'd rather it just be Determined.

I read it as "Detour Minded" at first, and that was a bit confusing. Maybe that's just me though.

Here's how I'd do it:

A former college athlete must battle opioid addiction and a bloodthirsty bear as she struggles to lead her niece and nephew through the earthquake ravaged wilderness to safety. It's still a bit too long, but that's what I have so far.

Then you could throw in the surprise that it's not just 1 bear but several of them and that's why they can never seem to get ahead of it.

The grand finale could be where she defeats 1 of the bears (Yay!!! We're safe!!! We did it!!!) but is then confronted with 2 more that are identical. (Doh!)

Talk about writing yourself into a corner.

Good luck getting out of that one in a believable way.

Granted, the "trapped in the wilderness" story has been told many times before, and it might be too similar to The Ghost and the Darkness, so be sure to bring something new to it.

Good luck!

Great premise!
I agree with Jordan regarding the title. The portmanteau title doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Some things look good on paper but actually saying it as a title - I think you can do better.

Something to think about: Maybe add more depth/layers to the plot if the 'niece and nephew' were younger siblings instead, and they've all just lost their parents?

I'd also hyphenate bear-infested.

Thank you, Nomad and LC. I appreciate the feedback on the title and logline. I haven't seen all movies, but I do believe the story is very different from Ghost and the Darkness and brings a unique aspect. I would say more of a cross between the Revenant and the Grey.  There is a reason she is the aunt and not the sister that plays out in the story, but I will certainly consider the switch.

A former college athlete recovering from opioid addiction must lead her nephew and niece out of the bear infested wilderness after an earthquake kills their parents and eliminates their only access home.

First - premise wise - excellent. Easily understood. Goal/stakes and urgency evident.

Already some very good advice from the above comments. Any of the above suggestions would do IMO.

So - now I'm going to nitpick.

Visual may be enhanced if you give us a little more on the location - Yellowstone? Glacier Park? Montana?

Something like - the bear-infested Montana wildnerness - pops more than what you have. It creates a visual for me (note: just using Montana as an example since I don't know where this is set.

Assuming she is using her unique skillsets to engineer this escape, give us something more than athelete.  Was she a track star, marathon runner, gymnast?

Not sure you need the bit about the parents - yes, it's important to the story - but not really pivotal information for the logline - they need to escape regardless.

Typical loglines are CATLYST/INCITING INCIDENT  - PROTANGONIST - ACTION - STAKES

Doesn't have to be - but that is how many are written. Reformatting yours with some of the above thoughts it would be:

When a massive earthquake destroys their cabin, a former college track star recovering from opoid addiction must lead her neice and nephew through the killer bear-infested Montana wildnerness.  

Last add: This may seem stupid - but:

I would consider replacing earthquake with forest fire.  In my weird brain the first thought I had was that  the urgency related to exposing oneself to risk via an earthquake didn't quite land. Why not just stay in the cabin or whatever - call for help versus fighting it out with the bears?  But if there was a fast approaching fire .... That menance stays and looms in your story the entire time (forcing them onwward - they must move), It would provid a propulsion for taking more and more risks because there is no staying/no way back.  

Eldave thank you for the feedback! I believe I will move forward with the following:

When a massive earthquake destroys their only access home, a former college gymnast recovering from opioid addiction must lead her niece and nephew through the killer bear-infested Pacific Northwest.

I like the idea of Montana but i also don't want to be too specific. As far as the earthquake...It destroys the bridge to their only known way out...I hear what you are saying about the fire but the earthquake is essential to the rest of the story not that it couldn't or won't be changed as I am writing

I should have another logline next week for next script...

Quoted from royejr1969 Eldave thank you for the feedback! I believe I will move forward with the following: When a massive earthquake destroys their only access home, a former college gymnast recovering from opioid addiction must lead her niece and nephew through the killer bear-infested Pacific Northwest. I like the idea of Montana but i also don't want to be too specific. As far as the earthquake...It destroys the bridge to their only known way out...I hear what you are saying about the fire but the earthquake is essential to the rest of the story not that it couldn't or won't be changed as I am writing Glad to help - good luck on this I should have another logline next week for next script...

Regarding your revised Logline, I think you can select a better adjective than 'massive' for earthquake, and I don't think you need 'killer' as a prefix for bear. Bear-infested does the trick, we get they won't be the cuddly type. You could actually forego the adjectives altogether.

However, if you want to use one re the earthquake - catastrophic, destructive, devastating, or disastrous, work better imho, cause these words describe effect rather than size.

And sorry to throw another spanner in the works but the generic athlete works better than gymnast. Jmho, like I said.

Looking forward to reading this. I hope you post it, or at least the opening.

Agreed!

I added a bit to my post there. Ultimately up to you of course.