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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  Under the Screaming Sun logline Moderators: LC
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  Author    Under the Screaming Sun logline  (currently 440 views)
Tony Hughes
Posted: June 29th, 2023, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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Under the Screaming Sun (drama): The nine-year transgender daughter of a Christian music star struggles with the revelation that nine months before she was born, a man went on a murder suicide rampage, impregnating her mother and killing the rest of her family all after publicly claiming to be the biblical antichrist, as well as claiming he would be reincarnated as her mother's child.

It may be a little long. I don't know.

This is a script I'm currently working on that I plan on filming myself with my own money and hopefully a little extra through crowdfunding.

Here is a little concept video I made for the look of it shot on a five year old iphone: https://vimeo.com/840244086?share=copy
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LC
Posted: June 30th, 2023, 12:15am Report to Moderator
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Hi Tony, my first question relates to how the transgender element factors into the rest of the story - maybe it should be kept under wraps and be a later twist/reveal in the story? Unless it's integral.

Second question is I don't think it's possible to undergo surgery to transgender at age 9?

Maybe your video elaborates so I'll take a look.
Your logline reads a little convoluted to me at the moment.

Nice looking video, great atmosphere.



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LC  -  June 30th, 2023, 1:30am
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 30th, 2023, 3:42am Report to Moderator
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76% of your logline is describing events set before the film even starts.

Love the title Btw.


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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kcranford
Posted: June 30th, 2023, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm, yes I believe your logline may be a bit long.  Here's my offering of how to tighten it up, yet still get the meat of the story across:

The young transgender daughter of a Christian music icon grapples with her identity after learning that she was conceived  after a suicidal madman claiming to be the Antichrist impregnated her mother, vowing he would return as her mother’s child.


Scripts Available:
Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama)
Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama)
Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance)
Let That Pony Run (Family Drama)
With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance)
Essex (Historical Drama)

Shorts:
Santuario (OWC Writers' Choice)
Death  (OWC)
Savior  (OWC)

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kcranford  -  July 1st, 2023, 7:29pm
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Tony Hughes
Posted: July 1st, 2023, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Hi Tony, my first question relates to how the transgender element factors into the rest of the story - maybe it should be kept under wraps and be a later twist/reveal in the story? Unless it's integral.

Second question is I don't think it's possible to undergo surgery to transgender at age 9?

Maybe your video elaborates so I'll take a look.
Your logline reads a little convoluted to me at the moment.

Nice looking video, great atmosphere.


You can be transgender and not have gender affirming surgery or take hormones.



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Tony Hughes
Posted: July 1st, 2023, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Tony Hughes


You can be transgender and not have gender affirming surgery or take hormones.





That is perfect. Thanks so much.
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LC
Posted: July 1st, 2023, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Tony Hughes

You can be transgender and not have gender affirming surgery or take hormones.

Right, gotcha!
Seems obvious now I think about it.



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Tony Hughes
Posted: July 1st, 2023, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry that was the wrong quote. I meant that for the logline response.

Didn't mean to be rude. Haven't been on this website in years so I'm not used to this older system.
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LC
Posted: July 1st, 2023, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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No problem.
You can always just delete your post and quote the relevant post you meant to.

This might help too - SS Guide.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1124159895/s-0/


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