SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is July 11th, 2025, 3:28am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
The primary purpose of the SimplyScripts Discussion Board is the discussion of unproduced screenplays. If you are a producer or director lookng for your next project, the works here are available for option, purchase or production only if you receive permission from the author.

NOTE: these screenplays are NOT in the public domain and MAY NOT be used or reproduced for any purpose (including eductional purposes) without the expressed written permission of the author.

New to SimplyScripts? - Tell us about yourself! | How does this discussion board work? - FAQs! | Submit Your Script
The July 2025 One Week Challenge comes, soon.

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
Short Script of the Day | Featured Shorts Available for Production | Guidelines and Censorship | Produced Script Database | Oscar Winning Screenplays through the Ages | WGA Top 101 Screenplays

Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  Review My Logline: Afterwilds Moderators: LC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Review My Logline: Afterwilds  (currently 593 views)
Kamaenly
Posted: July 27th, 2024, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.01
Afterwilds: "In a peaceful small town, a moralistic librarian and a red-furred avenger fight against a eugenics-driven government and the coarse construction of a false god."

I'm seeking help to make my logline more cohesive, interesting, and/or ironic. The genre is primarily psychological drama with speculative elements, taking place in an early 2000s setting. I'd appreciate any suggestions/questions that enhance the concept and character motives.
Thank you for your time and assistance!  

Edit: This logline is for an animation set in a unique world with new humanoid species. The challenge lies in making the unfamiliar worldbuilding intriguing without overwhelming the audience.
To elaborate, the story features speculative biology in a world founded without any religion. However, society declines without the balance of science and religion. The narrative explores why society needs both and is set on the precipice of the world's decay, which explains the presence of "eugenics" and a "false god."
Additionally, the characters' unusual appearances are designed to visibly reflect their personalities.
It's a lot to explain, so I need help.

Revision History (1 edits)
Kamaenly  -  July 28th, 2024, 12:28am
Needed to elaborate on some things
Logged Offline
Private Message
MartyB
Posted: July 27th, 2024, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
20
Posts Per Day
0.05
here we go again. Nobody has any clue, what this story is about.

what is a red-furred avenger? it sounds like a cartoon animal.
what does the eugenics driven government want?
how are they constructing a false god?
why are they constructing a false god?
why is the construction coarse, what does that mean?
what will the false god do?
why does the librarian and the other character, want to stop the false god?
what happens, if they dont stop it?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 12
LC
Posted: July 27th, 2024, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
8676
Posts Per Day
1.42
Marty, you may be correct on this one and while I agree we need some elaboration, please be more polite with your tone.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 12
Kamaenly
Posted: July 27th, 2024, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey Marty! Thanks for your feedback! This logline is actually intended for animation, so when you said cartoon character, you're not far off. I know my logline isn't perfect, which is why I came here for help. You make a good point about it needing more specificity though.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 12
LC
Posted: July 28th, 2024, 12:02am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
8676
Posts Per Day
1.42

Quoted from Kamaenly
Hey Marty! Thanks for your feedback! This logline is actually intended for animation, so when you said cartoon character, you're not far off. I know my logline isn't perfect, which is why I came here for help. You make a good point about it needing more specificity though.

You could do with explaining the story and characters a bit more. It is all a bit obscure.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 12
ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: July 28th, 2024, 12:30am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Yup, that's me, myself, and I up in the corner
Posts
1764
Posts Per Day
0.30
Ahoy Kamaenly -- welcome to the boards.

Well it's definitely intriguing, but Libby's right-- the biggest thing I see too is it could benefit from a bit more clarity and focus.

Um, eugenics-- had to look that one up. Personally, I wouldn't include that.  But that's just me.

Red-furred avenger is a bit vague methinks.

Thanks for the animation clarification, which makes sense.

Hope this helps:

"In a peaceful small town, a principled librarian and a mysterious red-furred hero unite to overthrow a eugenics-driven government and dismantle a false god they’ve constructed to control the populace."

Salt to your own taste... or tweek to your own vision. -Andrea



Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 12
MartyB
Posted: July 28th, 2024, 12:35am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
20
Posts Per Day
0.05

Quoted from Kamaenly
Hey Marty! Thanks for your feedback! This logline is actually intended for animation, so when you said cartoon character, you're not far off. I know my logline isn't perfect, which is why I came here for help. You make a good point about it needing more specificity though.


I'm waiting for the answers to my questions. Then we can help.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 12
MartyB
Posted: July 28th, 2024, 12:36am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
20
Posts Per Day
0.05

Quoted from LC

You could do with explaining the story and characters a bit more. It is all a bit obscure.


Ya think?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 12
Kamaenly
Posted: July 28th, 2024, 12:37am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.01

Ahoy Kamaenly -- welcome to the boards.

Well it's definitely intriguing, but Libby's right-- the biggest thing I see too is it could benefit from a bit more clarity and focus.

Um, eugenics-- had to look that one up. Personally, I wouldn't include that.  But that's just me.

Red-furred avenger is a bit vague methinks.

Thanks for the animation clarification, which makes sense.

Hope this helps:

"In a peaceful small town, a principled librarian and a mysterious red-furred hero unite to overthrow a eugenics-driven government and dismantle a false god they’ve constructed to control the populace."

Salt to your own taste... or tweek to your own vision. -Andrea



Hey! Thank you for your kind and helpful response. The eugenics aspect is definitely extreme, so if you have any better alternatives, I'd love to hear them! Or, if it’s best to remove it from the logline altogether, I’m open to that as well.  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 12
Kamaenly
Posted: July 28th, 2024, 12:41am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.01

Quoted from MartyB


Ya think?


Why are you being rude? I know my logline isn't perfect, and that's why I posted it for review. Your attitude is not appreciated.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 12
ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: July 28th, 2024, 1:01am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Yup, that's me, myself, and I up in the corner
Posts
1764
Posts Per Day
0.30
My understanding of the term 'eugenics' is a way to control the population, right? Lordy I hope so.

Am I saying to take it out, no, I was just saying WE wouldn't have it in there. That's all.

Um, sounds to me like this might be some sort of tyrannical government. That could be a fallback option.

Mind you-- I'm trying to use pretty much what you've written to tweak it. I'll come up with another later on today. -A


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 12
LC
Posted: July 28th, 2024, 1:57am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
8676
Posts Per Day
1.42

Quoted from Kamaenly
Afterwilds: "In a peaceful small town, a moralistic librarian and a red-furred avenger fight against a eugenics-driven government and the coarse construction of a false god."

I'm seeking help to make my logline more cohesive, interesting, and/or ironic. The genre is primarily psychological drama with speculative elements, taking place in an early 2000s setting. I'd appreciate any suggestions/questions that enhance the concept and character motives.
Thank you for your time and assistance!  

Edit: This logline is for an animation set in a unique world with new humanoid species. The challenge lies in making the unfamiliar worldbuilding intriguing without overwhelming the audience.
To elaborate, the story features speculative biology in a world founded without any religion. However, society declines without the balance of science and religion. The narrative explores why society needs both and is set on the precipice of the world's decay, which explains the presence of "eugenics" and a "false god."
Additionally, the characters' unusual appearances are designed to visibly reflect their personalities.
It's a lot to explain, so I need help.


Well, that helped a bit, but I have more questions.

Okay, so to start with, who/what is your main character?
Humanoid - so, resembling a human but is it man-made? Robot, android?

Animation like cyberpunk or regular cartoon?

Eugenics is selective breeding so I'm not sure how that fits with something not of this world unless an elite rollout of some intelligent design being?

Where is this set?


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 12
ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: July 28th, 2024, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Yup, that's me, myself, and I up in the corner
Posts
1764
Posts Per Day
0.30

Quoted Text
Edit: This logline is for an animation set in a unique world with new humanoid species. The challenge lies in making the unfamiliar worldbuilding intriguing without overwhelming the audience.
To elaborate, the story features speculative biology in a world founded without any religion. However, society declines without the balance of science and religion. The narrative explores why society needs both and is set on the precipice of the world's decay, which explains the presence of "eugenics" and a "false god." Additionally, the characters' unusual appearances are designed to visibly reflect their personalities. It's a lot to explain, so I need help.


Ok, Kamaenly--

A logline’s job is to sell the story, not tell the story. Just present the basics of the story in abbreviated form, preferably in one sentence, two sentences. It omits character intricacies and subplots. For instance, I'm not expecting a lot of requests for this one:

“When rising temperatures cause widespread drought, a cow struggles to jump over the moon to save the world from global warming.”

It should not be too vague. Don't be coy with your story. What makes it unique?

In your case-- it's unique cos’ it takes place in a world you’ve created with humanoids.

Try to avoid cop-out cliches like: mayhem ensues. Or comedy ensues. Or sparks fly....etc.

Key to every simple logline should include these elements: protagonist, antagonist, goal, stakes, and you’re cooking with gas.

You have the main ingredients;

Protagonist -- the moralistic librarian, of course, with the help of this Red-Ferred avenger.

Antagonist -- a eugenics-driven Government.

Central conflict -- it's there.

The goal -- fight to stop this tyrannical Government...

The stakes -- I'm just assuming -- to prevent a total collapse of society? No?

Do me a favor first... try plugging your information into the following:

(title) is a (genre) about (protagonist--one Guy/Girl, no proper names) who must (goal) or else (disaster that will happen if he/she doesn't succeed)

In the meantime; before I make a second attempt to help craft you a proper longline--based on the updated information you provided-- what I'm really looking for here is to see if I captured the essence of your overall story with this:

"In a world of extraordinary humanoid species, where science and spirituality doesn't coexist, a crumbling society faces its greatest crisis. As eugenics and a fabricated deity emerge to fill the void left by the absence of religion, an unlikely hero must uncover the hidden truth of their civilization’s decline to restore balance and save their world from total collapse."

If it does capture the essence-- I'll go from there. Or is it waaaaaay off base?

-A



Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
ghost and_ghostie gal  -  July 29th, 2024, 1:02am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 12
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Review My Logline  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on
Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006